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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 12:26:06 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think LaT has made a very good point. Steve is very non-sensitive and I wish I was more like him sometimes.
I also agree with RF that there is a selfish element to this. She is the sort of woman who can't join in a conversation with all of us but singles one of us out to talk about herself.
She is normally a very gentle sort of woman Drk Stephen but she did recently pass a comment that another friend or ours had made quite a rude comment about us. At that point I asked her why she felt the need to tell me as it accomplished nothing other than hurting my feelings.

Sometimes it takes a while to really get to know people and then sometimes little things start happening that make you realize that perhaps this person isn't as nice as you first thought.
I consider friendship as an investment and sometimes its not worth the effort but I will take your advice next time I see her on her own.

Thanks for the info on the Chinese food RF :)



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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 12:31:36 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Thanks for the info on the Chinese food RF :)


Pleasure. Always HTH.

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Sometimes it takes a while to really get to know people and then sometimes little things start happening that make you realize that perhaps this person isn't as nice as you first thought.
I consider friendship as an investment and sometimes its not worth the effort but I will take your advice next time I see her on her own.


As in so many things in life, communication is, IMHO at least, the key. Talk to her. Not about her, or at her, or even allow her to direct you talking her up (as you implied she has a tendency to require from folk). Just talk. She may be shy inside (and lots of people who are quite confident on the outside are shy on the inside), she may be socially inept (social skills are learned just like any other skill, though some are naturals and some aren't), so it may be that she's wholly unaware of what she's doing or how she's presenting herself.

Or she may just be the bitch-queen from hell :) In which case, you're well off out of it.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 1:52:00 PM   
blacksword404


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

This thread has been inspired because of a friend of mine. It isn't a long term friendship but someone we get on well enough to invite to barbecues and dinner parties within our group. I noticed a little while back that she never compliments. She just happened to be one of the first people to see my wedding dress and her response was 'hmm'. When she comes for dinner she always clears the plate and often has second helpings but whilst everyone else says 'thanks Maria, that was a lovely meal' she says nothing. I could think its just my cooking but I have noticed her doing this when we go to other friends for dinner.
I had a group round for dinner last night and I confessed at the start of the meal that this was a new recipe and so your going to have to let me know how it is. I wasn't fishing for compliments off anyone else but I confess that I wanted her opinion good or bad. Again she refused to give it but once again wanted second helpings.
On the other hand, when its her turn to cook she asks everyone what they think of her food and always apears pleased when we compliment her efforts.

Why is this frustrating me so much? If someone invites you and bothers to make the effort is it not polite to be complimentary or am I being old fashioned?


You know she enjoys the food because she asks for more. Do you need her to tell you what you already know? You could just pull her to the side and ask her quietly specific questions that require specific answers. Like " what is you opinion on the roast?" Or " how did you like the potatoes?"

My first thought usually upon getting a compliment is "what the fuck do you want from me?" Because most people use compliments to get things from you. But an honest and unaskedfor compliment is always appreciated.

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Ego sum erus.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:10:49 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		FR

I actually agree with Celeste - before assuming that the woman is doing this intentionally, ask her outright. She may be all the negative things. Or she may simply be afraid to speak due to a variety of factors, worried about expressing herself well, she may have a history of being accidentally insulting, she may have been jumped on for her opinions in the past, there are tons of things. If she isn't being catty or snippy in other situations, give her a chance and ask her directly and maybe in a more private situation so that there isn't any pressure on her.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:24:27 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
before assuming that the woman is doing this intentionally, ask her outright.

Which is what I said.

ETA: Who is "Celeste"?

< Message edited by RapierFugue -- 1/16/2011 2:27:50 PM >

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:27:27 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
before assuming that the woman is doing this intentionally, ask her outright.

Which is what I said.


I didn't say you didn't. The reason I said I actually agree with Celeste is because it is something that happens so rarely that it's worth noting. :-)

It was more a "wow" statement that one meant to imply that no one else said or thought the same. My apologies for any misunderstanding.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:29:03 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub


quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
before assuming that the woman is doing this intentionally, ask her outright.

Which is what I said.


I didn't say you didn't. The reason I said I actually agree with Celeste is because it is something that happens so rarely that it's worth noting. :-)

It was more a "wow" statement that one meant to imply that no one else said or thought the same. My apologies for any misunderstanding.

Who is "Celeste"?

I'm more confused than the Patriots' defence ATM :)

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:29:38 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

ETA: Who is "Celeste"?

DesFIP. Check her sig.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:31:26 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Check her sig.

Oh I never bother reading those :)

Cheers, BTW :)

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:48:45 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		But then you miss my great line about beating and cuddling!!!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:50:09 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		A quick test for a narcissist: gush over their watch and ask where they got it. An average person will look at you kinda funny and say, er, thanks, um, maybe Walmart, and change the subject, or compliment you on something you're wearing.
A NARCISSIST will give you the freakin' time, day and weather when they bought the watch, PLUS how Donald Trump/Princess Di once tried to buy it from them.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:51:59 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

But then you miss my great line about beating and cuddling!!!

I'm saying nothing :)

(except it's about 1 time in 100 that reading a sig line is worth the effort - and even then, the next time you read it, it's not funny/enlightening anymore)

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:54:48 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

A NARCISSIST will give you the freakin' time, day and weather when they bought the watch, PLUS how Donald Trump/Princess Di once tried to buy it from them.

Unless the watch has special meaning to them. I happen to collect a very particular type of watch and, because of that, family and friends haven given them to me for special occasions. My family had one custom made for me when I graduated college, my owner bought one for me when we were on our honeymoon, etc.

Given that I began collecting these watches as a child in elementary school, and they aren't cheap so I had to save up a hundred bucks of allowance and chore money when I wanted to buy a new one... Yeah, you can bet your ass I can tell you the story of how each and every one came into my possession. And if someone mentons it, I usually do gush a bit because I love them so much and the people who have given them to me.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Tantriqu)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:55:39 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

A quick test for a narcissist: gush over their watch and ask where they got it. An average person will look at you kinda funny and say, er, thanks, um, maybe Walmart, and change the subject, or compliment you on something you're wearing.
A NARCISSIST will give you the freakin' time, day and weather when they bought the watch, PLUS how Donald Trump/Princess Di once tried to buy it from them.

Thank fuck I don't wear a watch :)

BTW when did being a narcissist become a bad thing? Did I miss a vote? ;)

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:56:18 PM   
blacksword404


Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

But then you miss my great line about beating and cuddling!!!


I can see it now." He beat me for hours. It was great then he tried to cuddle. The nerve. I have never been so..."

_____________________________

Don't fight him. Embrace your inner asshole.

Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:56:46 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

(except it's about 1 time in 100 that reading a sig line is worth the effort - and even then, the next time you read it, it's not funny/enlightening anymore)

Killjoy.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:57:17 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Unless the watch has special meaning to them. I happen to collect a very particular type of watch and, because of that, family and friends haven given them to me for special occasions. My family had one custom made for me when I graduated college, my owner bought one for me when we were on our honeymoon, etc.


You narcissistic bitch! Burn the heretic! ;)

BTW, Swatch?

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:57:57 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

A quick test for a narcissist: gush over their watch and ask where they got it. An average person will look at you kinda funny and say, er, thanks, um, maybe Walmart, and change the subject, or compliment you on something you're wearing.
A NARCISSIST will give you the freakin' time, day and weather when they bought the watch, PLUS how Donald Trump/Princess Di once tried to buy it from them.


Umm. No. That's just ridiculous.

OP, here is a thought. If she is a friend of yours, tell her what you need from her.

Try HONESTY! "Did you enjoy the meal? I value your opinion and since you rarely offer it to me, I figured I would just ask!"
(smiles to SM)



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A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 2:58:29 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksword404

I can see it now." He beat me for hours. It was great then he tried to cuddle. The nerve. I have never been so..."


*snickers* That isn't terribly far from the situation the quote comes from.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to blacksword404)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 3:04:12 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Why is this frustrating me so much?


I hate to say it but your friend sounds like my mum (though mum does compliment, just not on me )

All my life I had to keep reminding myself "why did I even bother to ask"...as talking to a wall was somewhat more entertaining and informative than asking her for her opinion...

for me it was always frustrating as in my case as a kid you need advice and guidance at times and it sucks when you always have to guess about that person and make your own decisions at a way too young age about rather important asects...however, these days I learned to stop to bother about it...as quite frankly I can't change her about it and when I dare to make her aware of it she turns incredible defensive...however in your case I would ask her why she expects feedback but then doesnt give feedback herself. In a friendly sort of relationship I would be that blunt when it is mainly about that aspect.

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 1/16/2011 3:05:47 PM >

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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