The Aspects Of Negotiations

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The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/1/2006 10:44:07 PM

juliaoceania

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I hope I phrase this question correctly, and BTW I did a search on this and did not find anything recent on this topic....

I would like to know how important negotiations are to you if you are still looking for someone, or how important they were to those of you who eventually found the person in your life.

If you negotiate for a scene how does that differ from how you would negotiate for a LTR? Do you even believe in negotiations?

For the dominants, do you see every conversation you have with a submissive as a potential negotiation to see where her limits are and log the things she says for future reference? Things like childhood trauma perhaps, or baggage from past relationships.. those type of things that can impact a dynamic...

just curious.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/1/2006 10:53:56 PM

truesub4u

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Negotiations..... I guess it's a word that has to be used... feel like it needs to stay in the business world. But I'll go with it...

I really don't see there's a difference between LTR and STR.... just in LTR... things are easier to work with... around.. coax into... than with STR. But then there are those.. NO DAMN WAY IN HELL limits... that are non negotionable....in STR or LTR.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/1/2006 11:02:19 PM

CrappyDom

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I think if you are new and the person you are playing with is an unknown quantity, negotiations are very important. I don't think you can negotiate a long term relationship before you are in one, that is sort of like signing a prenup and marrying someone before dating. Perhaps I am boring but I can't imagine negotiating some long term deal before having spent significant amounts of real time with someone.

As for me, my eyes, ears, and psyche are always listening, watching, and feeling what is going on with someone I am with, looking for reactions that may have deeper meaning. I played last night and didn't really do any negotiation and I had never played with that person before, scene was hot, we both were flying. During the scene, I would lean on her and bring my face close to hers and simply look at her and seeing what her eyes were telling me and off we again we would go.

If someone was new, or for some reasons I had concerns I would negotiate first, find some boundaries. However, you can't cover everything, there are hidden emotional landmines in everyone's mind and to think negotiation will make everything fine and dandy is a fool's hope.

If I was seeing someone who I had an interest in playing on a deeper level with or wanted a long term relationship I would want to spend a lot time dealing with the sort of issues you speak of but I would hope people would do that for any sort of relationship.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/1/2006 11:30:35 PM

ServiceNTucson

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I hope I phrase this question correctly, and BTW I did a search on this and did not find anything recent on this topic....

I would like to know how important negotiations are to you if you are still looking for someone, or how important they were to those of you who eventually found the person in your life.

If you negotiate for a scene how does that differ from how you would negotiate for a LTR? Do you even believe in negotiations?

For the dominants, do you see every conversation you have with a submissive as a potential negotiation to see where her limits are and log the things she says for future reference? Things like childhood trauma perhaps, or baggage from past relationships.. those type of things that can impact a dynamic...

just curious.

Julia,

As a bottom, I'm not very fond of negotiating a scene. If it's with somebody I don't know real well, my negotiation amounts pretty much to, "No jails, hospitals, morgues, or anything real likely to put me in one of them. No cutting my hair. Other than that, use me however you like." Of course, if I'm "scening" with somebody I don't know well, then I'm doing it at a play party at Desert Dominion, where most of the members are friends of mine, thus assuring my safety.

When it's somebody I do know pretty well, then she already knows my limits, so it's just, "Do whatever gives you pleasure."

As for working on an LTR, I don't think the concept of negotiation really applies. If I ever do get involved again in an LTR, it will be an Owner/slave relationship with me as the slave. As an owned slave, I will not negotiate, nor will I set limits. I will obey, and I will endure, I hope.

The long process of setting up an LTR is not, in my opinion, a negotiation. It is a process of getting to know one another and if not love one another, at least like one another a lot. During this process, I would learn what Her limits and requirements are and it would be up to me to decide, before giving Her ownership of myself, whether I can live with them.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 12:10:51 AM

MsMacComb

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Open lines of communication should be paramount no matter what. One reason could be a medical condition,,, or a mental issue. I think a domme/dom that isnt aware of this or that takes the initiative to ask a few simple questions is being selfish and negligent.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 1:24:26 AM

Chaingang

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I'm going to throw in with old stuff:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_254441/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#254441

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
If you negotiate for a scene how does that differ from how you would negotiate for a LTR? Do you even believe in negotiations?

I don't really believe in negotiating LTR stuff. There is information I should have and my submissive should let me know what that is. Beyond that I intend to call the shots. Suffer the submissive to come unto me.

I'm not really interested in scening for one night just as I am not interested in the idea of anything like a zipless fuck.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
For the dominants, do you see every conversation you have with a submissive as a potential negotiation to see where her limits are and log the things she says for future reference? Things like childhood trauma perhaps, or baggage from past relationships.. those type of things that can impact a dynamic...

I have no limits for communication. If a submissive fails to tell me something and to repeat the highlights or call them out for me somehow, she has only herself to blame. But the thing is I am really easy to talk to.

MsMacComb has already made a point of how important communication is. It cannot be stressed enough.

Talk, talk, talk, talk...and then talk some more.

...

Oops, almost forgot. Only LA makes a point of digging up old threads and providing lists of them. I think she means to be helpful not realizing that it makes many people feel as if she is indicating that the subject has been discussed ad nauseam or something like that. If you have something you want to talk about: talk about it. Everyone that doesn't want to see it can skip your thread or actually block your posts from their view. You get what you want, they get what they want - everybody's happy! 'Nuff said.

< Message edited by Chaingang -- 5/2/2006 1:29:33 AM >

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 4:06:09 AM

twicehappy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

how important they were to those of you who eventually found the person in your life.

I really cannot say i engaged in any negotiations, what i really did was make sure our hard limits matched when i was looking. But since i was looking for 24/7 TPE that is really the only way to be sure those limits are not crossed.

quote:

If you negotiate for a scene how does that differ from how you would negotiate for a LTR? Do you even believe in negotiations?

For me there are no negotiations, scene related or otherwise. Since i am collared as a slave the last negotiation was whether or not to accept the collar. So from my point of view i am theirs for whatever they wish. Before somebody comes at me with an" i would not do that, are you silly" rant, let me say this part is where it behooves the slave seeking this type of relationship to choose very carefully.

If dealing with a submissive my owners do believe in negotiating a scene.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 5:09:26 AM

catize

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When I meet someone new, I believe it is important to ask a lot of questions. I want to know what the potential dominant's interests are, what their views are about the lifestyle, what they believe is each persons' responsibilities as far as dominance and submission.
I don't understand the reluctance to use the word negotiations. You both lay everything out on the table and then discuss options. I certainly do not want to offer submission to someone if I know that I cannot give the level of submission they are seeking. Communication, conversations, questions make it a solid beginning which creates the potential for a strong relationship.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 5:19:53 AM

rapture2778

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i see it more as communicating rather than negotiating...as a subbie i would have a hard time saying, "ok do A, B, and C...but leave out E, F, and G" i think it is important for the Dom to ask questions (and checklists offered on many sites can be very useful for this) to see where the subbie is mentally and physically before testing the waters and finding out the "hard way"....of course it is equally important that the subbie be honest in answering the questions and about her limits and experience...

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 5:33:40 AM

Proprietrix

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Negotiations for a casual play partner are pretty simple for me. I tell them what I'm interested in doing to them & see if they want it. I ask if they have any specific limits or health conditions to keep in mind, set up a safeword, and then play. But I do communicate throughout the play time. (I'm leery of using a gag or blindfold the first time I play with someone.)

For a long term relationship, I wouldn't use the word negotiation at all. It's just..... getting to know each other.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 6:04:44 AM

Arpig

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Life itself is a series of negotiations and compromises.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 6:22:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
If you negotiate for a scene how does that differ from how you would negotiate for a LTR?

Scene: Two minutes of talking and comparing notes

LTR: Months of discussion and getting to know eachother.

quote:

Do you even believe in negotiations?

I don't actually "negotiate" in an LTR- we simply get to know eachother and accept eachother or not. As a slave, I either accept what he wants in a slave, or not, and with another partner, we either accept eachother or we go different ways.

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RE: The Aspects Of Negotiations - 5/2/2006 8:00:50 AM

juliaoceania

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Thanks for all the input! I am new to all this so I thought that the "Getting to know you" phase was a long running negotiation. I have not scened with anyone I did not know extremely well. I asked the question because I am in that getting to know you phase with someone. We talk for hours and sometimes I know he is getting info from me and logging it for later use. During the course of our conversations he is asking about this limit here, that limit there, if there is a limit with this or that. So I guess this is not really a negotiation because neither of us is seeking only a scene.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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