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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 5:15:22 AM

mummyman321

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
You sound like a gallant man and I think this is the part of you that you need to get across to prospective Dommes. Gallant men can still do the housework but theres so much more to offer than just that isn't there?

Thank you,
And I do have a latex maid's outfit for the house work :)

Distilling that "so much more to offer" in words in an email can be rather difficult at times. Finding a Domme who enjoys the service side of me is easy. Finding a Domme who wants to control my inner rage is another story :)

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 5:26:48 AM

mummyman321

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a
as to the bolded blue below -- to me thats a different kettle of fish and altogether a bit harder to deal with, at least in my relationship... this is something that comes up with my boy and myself... she's my butch, my lover, my partner and my girlfriend.. she is however, also my boy... but each one of those people does those things for me -- so how is it different? Well, we have to make it different.. we live togther and have what I refer to as a very blended relationship -- its about where it comes from and how I receive it. Sometimes its just as simple as her saying "my Lady... " when she pulls the chair out and my saying "thank you boy... ".. in fact, that usually works.. :)

Away4Awhile brought up that point. And its one I really had not thought about prior to her post. So how do you make a normal activity and turn it into an act of submission. I think you hit the nail on the head by a small gesture, response, or action to make the action about her/for her. Sometime its the small things in life that matter the most!

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 5:29:28 AM

LadyPact

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I consider a service submissive to be one who accepts that service will be a part of the dynamic and that person also gets joy from doing it. In the OP, you mention that things around the house are the normal course in a relationship. I absolutely agree with that, especially if a home is being shared or a submissive is spending significant amounts of time there. I consider that a contribution to the household. I don't treat My submissive like a guest. If he's a part of this family, then he'll assist just like any other member of the family.

However, there's a bit more to it than that. I do come from the mindset that My submissive should make My life easier. Service is included in that. There really are only so many hours in a day and if I'm going to accomplish everything that I have going, plus have time in My life for an additional person, I'm going to need certain things done.

I actually tend to prefer folks who recognize service across three areas. Domestic, personal, and community. At this point in My life, any submissive would have to be willing to accept all three.

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 5:49:23 AM

LadyDelilahDeb

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Fast Reply—

I make it clear in my profile that I am NOT looking for a life partner. I have vanilla needs, some of which I am physically incapable of handling for myself, some of which I have handled in the past and am now much less capable of doing so, and some of them, if I do them for myself, will have negative consequences on my physical health for anything from an hour to a week. (Two years ago, I over-reached my physical efforts for two months solid, resulting in a spiral broken leg and three months enforced bed rest with only one working leg.)

Further, because I have a limited budget of physical energy that I must manage cautiously in order to communicate verbally and therefore have any social life, kinky life, and spiritual practice, I don't care to spend energy on the "who's taking out the trash" and "what are we having for dinner tonight" sorts of household chat.

There are reasons I look for service submissives. I don't expect any one person to make me his be-all and end-all—I've been poly all my life, and will not alter my ways. The last person who tried to park me on a pedestal has had his "friend" status as ex-husband revoked because he won't quit it. (Hell, he still thinks he can get me back.)

I'm sufficiently feminist to hold it against Illinois that they prevented the Equal Rights Amendment from passage. I'm sufficiently independent not to need my doors held for me, although I'll thank someone for doing so when it's convenient for me. (I hold doors for guys, too. It's just a question of who got there first or who has hir arms full of crap.) And I'm more than sufficiently dominant enough to prefer sending folks out to take care of chores and assume that they are grown-ups and therefore competent to do the chore—or willing to be trained to do it. I don't expect a submissive to get his jollies solely out of mowing my lawn or raking my driveway or pruning my trees; I do expect them to enjoy being useful and helpful to me…and, if we're both fortunate…to enjoy performing the kind of task that they fulfill for me, in addition to addressing a vanilla need.

Then I can spend a few hours of enjoyable time with that sub both in and out of the dungeon.

Lady Delilah Deb

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 6:29:36 AM

OttersSwim

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I am a service submissive. That is, one of my primary languages of love is service. I firmly believe that "Service is Love made manifest".

I think that the definition of a service submissive, however, is going to vary greatly depending on the dynamic and the life circumstances, personality, and desires of each the Dominant and the submissive involved.

In my relationship with my Lady wife, my primary submissive interaction is service. It seems to me that you are saying that cleaning the kitchen is just a normal act and not an act of submission or service. Again, I think that depends. I believe that part of service is "creating ease" and removing pressure points on another person. While cleaning the kitchen may not be my highest submissive act, it is still part of my service to my Dominant and thereby it removes a pressure point from Her life. Our dynamic runs firmly through me during that kitchen cleaning and while I may not be in subspace or subbie bliss, I am still in a submissive place because I know I am creating ease in Her life.

We mention our morning ritual a lot in our postings here - another of the active expressions of our dynamic. I don't have to be at work until 11 each day, my Lady leaves for work at 6:30. I could sleep in...but that would feel completely wrong to me for our dynamic. I absolutely feel called to get out of bed at 5:30 and help her prepare for her day. I make her tea, iron her uniform, dress her hair, make her lunch and feed her breakfast. That hour that we spend together each day is an act of service and an expression of my submission. It is also an opportunity for connection, and is an active expression of our dynamic and that gets me out of bed - for Her, for our dynamic, and for myself as I simply derive such great pleasure out of serving her in this way.

Similarly, when I open doors for my Lady, it is both an act of submission, and the act of being a gentleman. While I may have opened the door for her anyway because I think that is the proper way to treat any female, because we are in D/s relationship to each other, again the dynamic runs totally through that act when I do it. There is a tiny moment of connection there - a spark of D/s "knowing" in each of us that feeds us in very positive ways.

Now, that is -our- dynamic and I know that there are a thousand thousand variations on all that. Someone who shows up on Saturday to mow the lawn, or organize closets, or shine boots would likely find themselves in a very different dynamic.

So much of life is vanilla. For us, active D/s is about creating those moments of connection where the dynamic is brought to the forefront, and connection is made - be it at the end of a flogger, or in the act of washing a dirty pan that needed washing anyway.

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 6:32:33 AM

mummyman321

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
However, there's a bit more to it than that. I do come from the mindset that My submissive should make My life easier. Service is included in that. There really are only so many hours in a day and if I'm going to accomplish everything that I have going, plus have time in My life for an additional person, I'm going to need certain things done.

I actually tend to prefer folks who recognize service across three areas. Domestic, personal, and community. At this point in My life, any submissive would have to be willing to accept all three.

Lady Pact, you bring up another point about the different areas of service. I really had not thought about that. I was thinking more domestic but it certainly can encompass more areas as you mentioned.

As to making your life easier. I do not see it like that. But this is more probably from my mindset of how I think about things. I see it as a naturally occuring item that is going to happen as a result of my submission. And maybe I am jumping the gun a little bit. I think it comes from my Engineering mindset. To me some things are blantenly obvious and I know others do not always see it that way. Here is my work interfering in my social life LOL!. My work is to distill complex problems into actionable items. Managers never want the technical details, they just want to know you can solve the problem and when. To that end, I think I tend to skip mentioning details in a Domme/sub relationship as I fully expect to do those things naturally.

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 6:59:48 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

Finding a Domme who wants to control my inner rage is another story :)

The taming of a tiger is always an attractive one, at least to me!

When I trained horses I used to do a thing called 'join up'. I won't go into detail but it was all about showing the horse who was its leader (no cruelty went on). The already subservient horses joined up within minutes but the horses that were leaders of their herds were much more challenging. When they did join up it felt incredibly satisfying. It was like taming the fire without putting the fire out and that very experience leads on to a special and trusted relationship with that horse.
I said earlier in this post that I have had a tendency to dominate females more than males. Perhaps its because a female doesn't give herself over quiet so easily. There is more available to her and so she can afford to be more fussy and dominating her and keeping has to be earned. I often find males disappointingly easy. A bit like the subservient horses I put in my round pen.

Subservient men that have come into my life as service subs tend to of been ready made submissives. I don't see a flame and often no spark either and yet they delight me because they do all of my chores. The trouble is, I don't feel inspired by them and so perhaps that's why I have never considered them as partner or number 1 sub material but I will stress that any sub of mine will become service orientated.
I am only one in a number of women that will look at an introduction letter and make a possible decision to take it to the next stage. We are all looking out for different things but for me anyway, if someone wrote to me about being a really good service sub, I would consider them but that's all they would ever be. If on the other hand they wrote to me with wit and the ability to show themselves as a 'man/woman/both' first and foremost, I would have a lot more interest in them as a person that possibly had the potential to be my sub, or should I say, at least I would of done if I was still looking

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 2:10:40 PM

Away4Awhile

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mummyman I may understand where you are coming from. I have some experience with the mind of 'engineers' in the mix of submission and the fact based mind. It can be a tough task for a Woman to tame and train such a man to be less linear.

Teaching him about service BDSM style is to keep the tasks outside of his comfort level physically or emotionally until his focus is on 'her tasks' not 'the tasks'. Same tasks different expectations.

The dishes need to be done. Dinner is finished...does he get to relax for a few minutes...will she expect him to do them immediately...who says he has that freedom of choice....she does

He is washing the dishes, she walks up behind him, drops his pants, spreads his feet with her foot...
while telling him just how its going to be if he drops a dish or breaks a glass...

Intimacy in service can be crazy making but in some of the most fabulous 'small' ways.

Engineers have an amazing capacity for devotion...so the difficult task of focusing can actually be 'the' vehicle to a very deep submission through devotion.

Again it only takes us back to the Personal Opinion of each Domme or Mistress what value of service peeks her personal interests above and beyond dust bunnies under the bed.

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 4:37:07 PM

AlexandraLynch

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I insist on wanting a service submissive, because I do want him to do some of the housework. Some. Not all. And I want him to understand that even though someone has to do it, and he would do it for himself if he were alone, if he doesn't do it, I do it, and I will be tired and uninterested in scening afterwards. If I have to put myself out in a sustained day of effort on housework, since I have fibro, that may make me uninterested in fun stuff that weekend.

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 6:04:15 PM

SexyBossyBBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321
I would hope most people see the more important role carries on after you leave work regardless whether you are submissive or vanilla. Providing for family, your loved one, or significant other I would hope is the driving force in one's life.

Very true, but you asked about service submissives, and I just wanted to emphasize priorities, in case one is a workaholic, has no family, etc.

quote:

Now work is one of the means that makes you able to provide for your significant other (unless you are independently wealthy, I am not). I have had some very interesting conversations of why can't you just stay home from work today for me?

You can't fault her for wanting you home, if you're leaving her wanting more. Seriously though, in a previous lifetime, I used to want to be attached at the hip, whereas now, that would drive me away. Still there can be days where I may want a boy to stay home, but wouldn't whine or be unreasonable about it. M

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/18/2011 8:43:45 PM

LPslittleclip

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one of the reasons that my Mistress and i fit so well is i do enjoy doing things to make Her life easier in any way i can where ever i can. i do help any i can so i was community oriented and i enjoy cooking as well. i truly enjoy pleasing Her as her collared slave it was the missing part of my life that has now been filled

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RE: What is a Service Submissive? - 1/20/2011 10:53:40 AM

MCLady

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OP,
My girl is gay & I am not. I'm not even bi so when we started chatting I told her up front if she's expecting to service a mistress sexually she had better continue her search. I only want a "service sub", one who'll attend to every need EXCEPT sexual. She does my laundry, cooks, packs my lunch, gets up before me to have my coffee ready etc. Basically everything a good maid would do. She also massages my feet as she sits next to them. If I invite her onto the couch w/me I'll stretch my legs onto her lap & she'll automatically massage them.

Yes she was doing the domestic duties before she met me as they are a part of everyday life for anyone however it's her mindset of wanting to provide these services to me to make my life easier w/no expectations that makes her my service sub.

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