How long? (Full Version)

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nightfury -> How long? (1/25/2011 8:58:19 AM)

I read in a post reply that most BDSM relationships do not last long. I was wondering how long they last for most people. I am sure they are not much different than vanilla ones in that there are things that come up and cause a split. I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of people going from one relationship to another in BDSM. It seems to me that people of this lifestyle should be or have a closer bond than normal vanilla due to the aspects that go along with it. I was also curious as why if things were good enough to put your trust in someone with the things that are involved with in this lifestyle why would that change?



mnottertail -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 8:59:41 AM)

It lasts for me until she swallows every drop, then I give her a break. 



LadyPact -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 9:03:08 AM)

The longest one that I know personally is thirty plus years and counting.



DesFIP -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 9:09:53 AM)

There is nothing that magically makes a bdsm relationship last longer than a vanilla one.
In fact, since so many people are constantly searching for the next limit, the next edgy activity, I would wager a guess that they have a higher rate of failure. Too many people make it about the activities, and not about the people.

A six month m/s relationship is not closer than a 50 year vanilla marriage. Get over thinking this is something special because it isn't.



NihilusZero -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 9:13:36 AM)

Either people are compatible or they are not, no matter what their personality traits or relationship preferences are.



nightfury -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 9:19:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

It lasts for me until she swallows every drop, then I give her a break. 


That's a good one...lol



nightfury -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 9:22:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There is nothing that magically makes a bdsm relationship last longer than a vanilla one.
In fact, since so many people are constantly searching for the next limit, the next edgy activity, I would wager a guess that they have a higher rate of failure. Too many people make it about the activities, and not about the people.



Very true. That is what I see.



subsfaith -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 10:22:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nightfury
I was also curious as why if things were good enough to put your trust in someone with the things that are involved with in this lifestyle why would that change?


I think you will get back what you put into a relationship... assuming you have thought carefully in the first place (with your head and not your genitallia of course).  If you only half invest yourself, you will only ever get at most half back.

I think a lot of relationships fail (regardless of genre) because of a lack of commmitment, on one side or both sides.



mbes -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 10:54:47 AM)

Are you sure you're comparing apples to apples here? Perhaps bdsm dating is equivalent to vanilla dating, and bdsm life-time commitments are more like marriage, longevity-wise? I don't know, but it does appear that a great many people want to compare what I would consider "bdsm dating" with marriage, and wonder why it doesn't last as long.
But no, I don't subscribe to the "bdsm is better/deeper/stronger" theory.



sexyred1 -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 12:13:13 PM)

Total nonsense. There is no evidence supporting that BDSM or vanilla relationships are short vs. long term.

Everyone forgets this is about individuals participating with each other in individual relationships.




Focus50 -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 1:18:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: nightfury

I read in a post reply that most BDSM relationships do not last long. I was wondering how long they last for most people. I am sure they are not much different than vanilla ones in that there are things that come up and cause a split. I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of people going from one relationship to another in BDSM. It seems to me that people of this lifestyle should be or have a closer bond than normal vanilla due to the aspects that go along with it. I was also curious as why if things were good enough to put your trust in someone with the things that are involved with in this lifestyle why would that change?


I think the internet plays a role here; in that it allows people to explore their fantasies etc without initially putting themselves in harm's way. And almost anyone whose met someone via the Net can tell you that a lot can change once you inject r/l into the equation.

Personally, I think the relationships that fail most are ones that began through exploring a common kink-need rather than an attraction of like spirits. Think "one-night-stand". They've focused on "meat" or a means to an end before considering the other person as a living/breathing/feeling human-being, Put another way; they've liked what the other has to offer moreso than who the person within really is.

My own rule is that if I'm not attracted to the overall package of the woman I'm with, then I'm not interested in what the willing fem/sub within her has to offer.

Focus.



DesFIP -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 2:11:55 PM)

BDSM relationships fail for exactly the same reasons vanilla ones do. Lack of compatibility, lack of communication, lack of self awareness. 



nightfury -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 3:09:23 PM)

Great point Focus thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear



Huntertn -> RE: How long? (1/25/2011 6:53:58 PM)

over thirteen years now..we've had our ups and downs too. just like any other couple in and out of the lifestyle



Buzzzz -> RE: How long? (1/26/2011 6:31:56 AM)

Maybe because lots of nilla relationships are about hiding (ie cheating and stuff).. If they knew about the other partner cheating, I am pretty sure the relationship would be over for most of them ..(isn't il like nearly half of married couples cheating on each other or something of that nature?)



littlekitten1 -> RE: How long? (1/27/2011 5:28:09 PM)

I've been with my partner now for about 4-5 years.. It started vanilla, but we quickly found out how well we matched in our deep desires.
Id like to consider us petty D/s at this point.

But I guess it means we're half'n'half?

For me 5 years is a lot, and I feel there will be plenty of years left yet :) I think what worked for us, is that we got to know each other and become friends above all else. We can relate to each other in more ways than kink.
So I think that kink is not the break or make deal of things. People need to realize that sometimes bonding in different ways can help too.

However, there are those who like bonding strictly in kinky ways, and if that makes them happy and it lasts.. i respect that.



OsideGirl -> RE: How long? (1/27/2011 6:26:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

BDSM relationships fail for exactly the same reasons vanilla ones do. Lack of compatibility, lack of communication, lack of self awareness. 
Exactly. And so many people focus on the BDSM aspects that they make a commitment based on their genitals before they actually figure out if they even like each other.

For the record: We have 11 years this year.



lally2 -> RE: How long? (1/28/2011 5:56:18 AM)

FR - waves at tazzy [:)]

well, im not one to talk really - since ive gone from one relationship to another in my quest to find happyness - but in the end that is what we are talking about here.

to enter a relationship based largely around BDSM may have a slighter chance of survival if all other aspects of why they are together gets left out.  ie compatibility, goals, dreams, horizons, sense of humour, blah blah.

if Ds or Ms and BDSM and all the other contingencies of a relationship square up then they have as much chance as any other relationship.  but as you can imagine, there is more to match up here.




KnightofMists -> RE: How long? (1/28/2011 5:58:41 AM)

Alandra and I have been together happily since summer of 87.... Kyra, Alandra and I are fast approaching 6 years of bliss.

I don't use the internet to gauge the longevity of these relationships... but those I meet and see in the lifestyle community tend to give me the impression that the average duration of these relationships are less than society as a whole. I am not going to speculate on why this is.... I really only care about making my relationship thrive...and so far.... We have been doing pretty dam well... better than most it would appear.



Twoshoes -> RE: How long? (1/28/2011 7:12:05 AM)

Some people enjoy molding someone to their expectations more than having a relationship and get bored after they're done with that.



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