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My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 2:50:18 PM

SubmissiveKayos

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Joined: 4/8/2008
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Hey everyone, my girlfriend and I are starting to get into BDSM. I know a lot more than she does and it is more my idea than hers although she is interested in it. I don't have any real experience and she's starting out but really likes the idea of being my Dom. Is there any advice you can give her over controlling a male slave or even some general tips on how to be a good Dom?

Also, on another note she is very new and I will have to take her through becoming a Dom very slowly. We are starting to do some bondage play to see if she likes having power over me, and if she does I want to try to direct her more towards being my Mistress. I need some subtle ways to try to get her to the point where she wants to dive in and give a more serious thing a shot, rather than just kinky play.

Thanks to everyone for reading this and helping.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 3:07:11 PM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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I'd suggest finding some groups that are local to you, find some workshops.. meetings and such. And meet some folks that might mentor you... beyond that, it might be nice for her to post here so that she doesn't get stuff third hand?

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 3:13:06 PM

DarkSteven

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Just my own prejudice, but until she's leading the way into the lifestyle, I couldn't consider her to be the Domme.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 3:15:51 PM

kalikshama

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Give her "The Topping Book": http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 3:25:50 PM

SubmissiveKayos

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Fair enough. I am only trying to do some research myself so I can help her take control of the relationship. She has never really thought about this stuff before but she is attracted to it. So really once we do some power play this weekend, I can probably hand everything over to her. I dont want to come on too strong with all of this and scare her off. Once we both know if she likes it it will be easier to bring more of this up to her.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 3:45:32 PM

Chulain

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What someone else said: meet and talk to a mentor.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 5:55:03 PM

LadyPact

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Along with getting out and attending events (which is always the best recommendation, by the way) have her create her own account here to ask her own questions. She's more likely to get in depth responses than someone doing her research work for her.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 5:57:18 PM

VaguelyCurious

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FR

Best resource I've found for women already in relationships:

http://www.akashaweb.com/women/goodgirlpreview.html

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/30/2011 9:32:11 PM

LPslittleclip

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like my mistress said go to local events find a mentor guide for the 2 of you as both will need to have some training in finding the path that works for the 2 of you.

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LadyPact

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/31/2011 5:19:50 AM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Along with getting out and attending events (which is always the best recommendation, by the way) have her create her own account here to ask her own questions. She's more likely to get in depth responses than someone doing her research work for her.

I must say that, for once, I'd be a bit hesitant about that recommendation, LP. A vanilla venue, yes; a play-venue, maybe not. It's just that the OP and his partner sound very new to all this. Those play venues often have people doing all sorts of stuff that is not only not a turn-on to look at, it can be a passion-killer. Even now, I can come away from places like that with a bit of me thinking, 'Hell, if that's what D/s is, maybe I'm not into D/s after all'.

I do think the OP's partner could be at something of a delicate stage. She has a plainly enthusiastic partner in the OP and she could easily end up being a 'cardboard Domme' - one that goes through the motions (that she's seen other Dommes do) but doesn't feel it. Fine, if such games are all that's required in order to spice up a largely vanilla relationship a bit - but pretty awful in the long run otherwise.

She needs fully to grasp the principle of how to enjoy feeling in charge. I have a strong suspicion that this can easily be 'snuffed out' in an erstwhile vanilla woman, especially. I think 'softly, softly, catchee monkey' is the order of the day right now.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 1/31/2011 5:22:17 AM >

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/31/2011 7:51:33 AM

Rule

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I agree with DS and PFH.

One of my neighbors is a domme. Hard to miss.

There is a difference between a domme and a top and a somewhat domme.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/31/2011 8:51:31 AM

TotallyDude

Posts: 184
Joined: 1/30/2011
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quote:

Hey everyone, my girlfriend and I are starting to get into BDSM. I know a lot more than she does and it is more my idea than hers although she is interested in it. I don't have any real experience and she's starting out but really likes the idea of being my Dom. Is there any advice you can give her over controlling a male slave or even some general tips on how to be a good Dom?

Also, on another note she is very new and I will have to take her through becoming a Dom very slowly. We are starting to do some bondage play to see if she likes having power over me, and if she does I want to try to direct her more towards being my Mistress. I need some subtle ways to try to get her to the point where she wants to dive in and give a more serious thing a shot, rather than just kinky play.

Bro what do you really know about it? Are we talking about stuff you've lived or are we talking about porn you've viewed bleary eyed at 3 in the morning? Because real talk, there is a huge difference between being there and reading about it and you can't begin to understand til you been there.

If you've got real experience and your girl doesn't, then you can't "mentor" your own chick into being a Domme. That's just crazytalk, dude. This ain't Pygmalion (and God ain't half the author George Bernard Shaw was but anyway). So if that's what you're planning on doing, just give it up.

Otherwise if you're both really neophytes then quit frontin' about all this "knowledge" you got and accept you're both pretty much starting from square one except you have some fantasies and you're hoping they're contagious.

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RE: My girlfriend is a new dom.. we need some help - 1/31/2011 2:32:08 PM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
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I've been in this circumstance a few times in my life. My advice to you is to let her come into her own as she becomes comfortable with it. Some of your words send up warning signals for me, and that is any indication you give that you have to lead her through being a dominant in order for her to figure out what to do. Women aren't puppies (well, at least not the kind of women that post on this particular board...the puppies are in another section of the boards of Collarme, and I don't think those are the ones you're interested in with this post), which means you aren't needing to train one to be a dominant; she's going to figure out what she wants to do and how she wants to do it.

In the past, one of the best successes I had was to introduce a young dominant to a known dominant who was also one of my friends. She practically took her under her wing and taught her things I couldn't even imagine trying to teach a potentially dominant woman. The upshot was she became a very good dominant. The downshot: She dumped me and found so much more enjoyment at being a professional dominant than she felt she could have with the guy who introduced her to domination. These things happen. You have to just learn to roll with the flow.

The best thing you can do is introduce her to any sources of information that she might want to explore to learn more. If you are part of a community, introduce her to that community. Be there as a friend and a partner through it all, constantly checking in with her to see how things are going. When she finally gets to the point where she tells you to shut the **** up, learn to shut the **** up, if that's the kind of relationship you're looking for.

Any time you try to manipulate or control it from your end, you're going to push her away, or you'll end up making her submissive to you, and that generally doesn't end well. At least from my experience. I've been around the road a few times to eventually learn that at some point you have to pull over and fill up the gas tank. Yeah, that makes as little sense to me as it probably did to you, but it sounded fun at the time.

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