Building Confidence (Full Version)

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chubbysubbyguy -> Building Confidence (2/2/2011 4:33:27 PM)

Good Evening to all. I am not sure if this is the right place for this topic, but since it really didn't seem to fit anywhere else here it goes.

I have said elsewhere that I am new to all of this, and it has been recommended that I start going to local events. That is great advice, but see I have this problem. I am a wall flower, I don't know if I could work up the courage to walk in the door let alone meet new people. I have never actually met anyone from my past relationships in person. Every relationship I have had got its start online before the real meeting. I have been shy my whole life, and even more so now that I think I am a disgusting fat ass even though I am losing the weight. I am sure there are others here or feel or felt the same way.

So I have been going the long way around the question but What I would love to know is how you overcame the shyness and built enough confidence to truly enjoy what this life has to offer?



TotallyDude -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 4:43:52 PM)

quote:

So I have been going the long way around the question but What I would love to know is how you overcame the shyness and built enough confidence to truly enjoy what this life has to offer?


Man, first of all if you are losing weight this is literally the best chance you will ever have to overcome your shyness. The weight comes off kinda fast at first, and you see marked improvements in how you look. You naturally start to pay more attention to how you dress and present yourself. Your confidence takes a natural surge and people notice. Now is the best time for you to get out there.

A few things to keep in mind when you're meeting people:

If you approach people first and are friendly, amiable, and positive they're going to want to talk to you. Don't romanticize every encounter. Don't sweat over every little word. Don't push anything. Just make some small talk and move on.

Look for friends first. Friends are the most important thing in any social situation. Don't worry about attraction or romance or any of that, just try to get to know people. The more friends you have the more comfortable you will be. The more positive conversations you have had with people in a given place the more comfortable you will be. You're putting those friendships and that positive energy in the bank because you're going to see these people at other events and if you have started building up the positive energy you won't be starting from scratch. It is so much easier to meet people this way.

Talk to dudes. So many guys are only interested in talking to women, and that is transparent and self-defeating. Plus talking to dudes is fun. We talk about dude stuff.

Other than that just make sure you look neat, you smell clean, you make eye contact, you speak clearly and loudly enough to be understood, laugh at jokes, tell jokes of your own, ask questions and listen to the answers and then make it clear later (hours or weeks) that you remember things people have said to you.

It's a process and it's an uncomfortable one at times but all you can do is get out there and do the right things often enough and believe that, in the end, it is going to come together.



chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 4:48:34 PM)

Thanks dude. Yeah I wish the weight were the only issue... I even had the self confidence problem when I was a 140 pound Marine with 6 pack abs (bad knee, too much relaxin, and finally a good meal after 4 years killed my weight) Its funny I put that uniform on and I had all the confidence in the world on duty, took it off and here I was the shy little kid again. Anyway I just realized that I sounded really ungrateful for the advice. I don't really have issues meeting new guys, its definitely easier to get drunk with a guy you met five minutes ago than a woman...



NocturnalStalker -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 4:52:40 PM)

There is no real instant "fix it" but the best advice I can give you is that you should go to places that are social (and possibly unknown being around) and become a totally different person. Adopt a mask of being confident around strangers, talk to females/males/whatever you're into while maintaining this as best you can and if you mess up then don't worry about it since you'll never see them again anyways. It probably won't come to first time, but the more you practice the better you'll get and it will make you feel a lot less timid around people in general.

Working out is also good, especially if you make the actual attempt by pushing yourself hard. This may not apply to everyone though, but it works for me.



chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:06:32 PM)

Thank you



Aylee -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:07:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chubbysubbyguy

So I have been going the long way around the question but What I would love to know is how you overcame the shyness and built enough confidence to truly enjoy what this life has to offer?

Stuart Smalley. "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone-it, people like me."

On a more serious note, I decided that who I wanted to be and what I thought of myself was much more important that what complete strangers thought of me or what type of person they wanted to impose on me.

I had to chose to be self-determining, to be the author of my own life. To decide what I wanted to do, what my goals were, and how I was going to accomplish them.

To sum it up easily, you must stop being a bystander in your own life.

None of that is easy but it is so much more rewarding than just letting life wash over you.



DarkSteven -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:12:13 PM)

You know you have a problem in that you are shy, and you're an adult. So it's in your court.  The testosterone has to get enough oomph to push you eventually.

Your weight is a bit of an issue, but your self-image due to it is a far greater issue.

Personally, I'm kinda leaning toward throwing you into the pool and making you swim...



chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:12:16 PM)

Thanks for the great advice. Guess what I really need to do is kick myself in the ass and get moving on it.



Aylee -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:30:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chubbysubbyguy

Thanks for the great advice. Guess what I really need to do is kick myself in the ass and get moving on it.


Think about it this way, what have you got to lose?

You are in Chicago. If you make a total goof of yourself I am sure that there is a different munch with different people that you can go to and try again.

A wise woman once said:

If you make mistakes. . . there is always another chance for you. . . You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down but the staying down.



chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:37:18 PM)

Very good point never going to get into the life if i don't get off the couch.



angelikaJ -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:39:12 PM)

I am a recovering shy person.
At some point I realised that if I didn't tell people I was shy then they really didn't have to know.

If I made contact with just one person, it was not too uncomfortable and before I knew it, the hard part was over.

Somewhere it is said that a stranger is a friend you haven't met yet.

Be discerning of course, but it can be easier than you think it is to meet people.

If you find however that there is an underlying pervasive anxiety issue, then working on it with a therapist might be useful.



chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 5:52:21 PM)

Maybe a shrink could help too. Definitely picked up a lot of useful info since coming to the boards.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 6:24:14 PM)

Don't worry about your weight, bro. You've never been to a munch before, have you? Believe me, you will not be the fattest person there. You'll probably look like Kate Moss compared to half the people there. And you definitely won't be the only shy person there, either - or even the shyest. There'll be plenty of others who will be practically crawling under the table to avoid having to talk to strangers. So don't let that bother you, either.

As for the self-confidence issue in general... look, I'm terminally shy myself, and the way i get over it is that I just don't go with any expectations. I figure, instead of being at home for a couple of hours, I'll be at the munch for a couple of hours. Only thing different is that I'll be there instead of here; other than that, I'll be exactly the same person, doing exactly the same thing - sitting in a chair. I don't even think about the other people who'll be there until i get there and see them.

I dunno. Works OK for me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, man! I've read enough of your posts to know that you're a really good guy. People are going to love you. Just go and let it happen.



MaamJay -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 6:24:43 PM)

ah crap I wrote a lovely long reply then lost connection! GRRRR! Here's the 8 key tips in brief:

1. Dress well ... good colours, nothing too tight, long enough to hide bulgy tummies!
2. Be clean!
3. Do your homework ... eg for a munch find out well ahead where it is, how long it will take to get there, what to wear, how much $$ to bring for food and drinks, who the hosts are. They should look out for you and intro you to a few people but it's not their job to babysit you all night.
4. Once outside ... remind yourself others there will be even more terrified than you! You have as much to offer as the next guy. Promise yourself you will meet at least 3 people. Then take a deep breath and go in!
5. Make sure you are on time (and that you actually arrive of course!). Nothing pisses munch leaders off more than spending their whole evening looking out for a newbie that never shows.
6. Chat to anyone you are introduced to for a minimum of 5 mins. Don't hone in on the fem Dommes ... you can learn a lot from anyone there. If you find males easier, chat to some other male subs. If you get in that awful situation of being deserted ... look for another wallflower and go over and chat to them! They'll be so glad you did, and maybe together you will be brave enough to break into a larger group.
7. If you are totally overwhelmed, go to the loo. Not sure guys chat in there like girls do, but good to take a break and a few deep breaths ... make a new start when you go back out.
8. Offer to help in any way you can. Not so likely at a munch which is usually on commercial premises ... but if the chairs need stacking at the end of the night, do that! More likely at a play party where there's always lots to be done. A helpful sub leaves a good impression. Do the job with a smile ... even if you were angling to help pack the gear but get asked to do the dishes ... do the best damn dishwash job you can with a smile on your dial!

Good luck from one who used to be a huge shy introvert ... not that anyone believes that nowadays. I am living proof that if you DECIDE to be different ... you CAN be!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



kalikshama -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 6:33:54 PM)

The munches I've been to had people alert for newbies and these greeters were very nice and welcoming.

There are multiple benefits to joining a gym - losing weight, feel-good hormones from exercising, and if you go to yoga classes you'll get to practice socializing with lots of women. (Start with gentle, restorative or beginners yoga.)

Like I said on your other thread, I have a lot more self confidence since I lost 40#.



lizi -> RE: Building Confidence (2/2/2011 7:03:19 PM)

I used to be shy myself too. There's nothing to do except just do it. The first time for anything is always the worst, after that you know more of what to expect and you will have a person or two to chat with. So I'd get ready by telling myself this was going to be worst it would ever be, and it was ok, that I could handle it because it would get easier after this. Then, I'd just MAKE myself go. I think you should:

-Pick out an event thats a comfortable distance away so that  you don't panic today thinking about it but not too far so that you can avoid it. Mark it down on your calendar as a firm date.

-If it's possible contact the organizers so they know you are coming and they know you are new. Starting a little email dialogue prior to the date will help. Ask your friends or even on here if anyone else is going and you'll have that contact to help you when you get there as well.

-In the time before your event go through your closet and following the advice you already got, select what you'll wear. This way you have plenty of time to try it on, sew on a loose button, get some matching socks, whatever. Set that outfit out on a hanger in your room so you can see it and know that you are darned well going to this thing. One thing I'd add to the advice on clothing is something that always worked for me when I was nervous about a first date. Wear something you love and that you feel confindent in. Most of us have one or two things in our closet that work for most occasions and are our go-to clothes. Now is not the time to experiment, you want to put on whatever you pick and know you look good.

-Think through what you may need to do prior, like get a hair cut, cut your nails, make a CD for the car ride there full of songs that make you feel awesome, etc.

-Anytime you think of your impending night out tell  youself that you're going, end of story, and it's going to be ok. You aren't going to change the world but you probably will have more fun than you think and if you don't go you'd be sitting at home, again, and no matter how hard this is you'll be damned if you are constantly taking a back seat in your own life.

You have to start somewhere. If you never start you'll never get anywhere. All my suggestions were to basically get yourself ready by building up your confidence and not take no for an answer. I myself work better when I have tasks to accomplish so breaking down something that is emotional in nature into a list I can check off always works for me.

I've also been in your shoes as far as having extra weight. Things will become easier for you when you start losing some of it - so you have that to look forward to. I made myself start going out again after my marriage ended even though I was fat and guess what, there were men who liked the way I looked. There might be an awesome woman out there for you and you won't find her sitting at home. You can do this  [:)]




chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/3/2011 12:56:35 PM)

Thank You to everyone who offered advice after I logged out for the night. I am mulling over what everyone says, and maybe just maybe, I might dive into the pool.



LadyPact -> RE: Building Confidence (2/3/2011 1:21:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda
As for the self-confidence issue in general... look, I'm terminally shy myself, and the way i get over it is that I just don't go with any expectations. I figure, instead of being at home for a couple of hours, I'll be at the munch for a couple of hours. Only thing different is that I'll be there instead of here; other than that, I'll be exactly the same person, doing exactly the same thing - sitting in a chair. I don't even think about the other people who'll be there until i get there and see them.

I dunno. Works OK for me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, man! I've read enough of your posts to know that you're a really good guy. People are going to love you. Just go and let it happen.


I'm going to pick on you because I can.  [8D]

If you wouldn't have mentioned that you were shy, I would have never known.  It really wasn't the impression that I got and I don't think any shyness was visible on your part.

Which, OP, has something to do with My suggestion for you.  Personally, I'm not shy but one thing that folks who are shy tell Me that helps them is getting to know people before meeting them face to face.  Make some contacts and say hello before going to the munch or event and you might feel a bit more comfortable when it's time to say hi face to face. 

A lot of munch groups have their own group on Fet or still have yahoo groups to communicate with each other.  You're in Chicago and there are some major events there.  You could always post in the upcoming events here to ask if anyone else is going to whatever you are planning to attend.  Lots of us on CM have met each other because we talked on the boards about going to the same event.



chubbysubbyguy -> RE: Building Confidence (2/3/2011 2:05:14 PM)

Thank you LadyPact. Yes I come across different on the web, probably because while I am still communicating with people since it is not face to face I don't have to look them in the eye or worry about "what do they think of me, how I look, how I'm dressed, do I smell ok, is my cologne too strong etc etc" Being "outgoing" was easier on duty in uniform because there it felt like the people I was in charge of were not seeing me, they were seeing the stripes on my collar or the medals on my dress uniform and were not judging me on my appearance but my competency. Maybe I should dust off the old camo jacket and start wearing that again lol.



Termyn8or -> RE: Building Confidence (2/3/2011 10:47:25 PM)

TO OP

Fuck all these people. I really couldn't care less if they like me or not. If they don't fukum. If they do, well then I dunno. Do I like them ?

Get that in your head. Who cares if she looks like a Goddess, she might be a flake, a fag or a whore. She could be a killer or a nurse. Fuck it until you know, and if she doesn't want you to know, maybe you don't want to know. NEXT.

Same with everybody. If they don't like you fukum. You stand tall with your self, your real self and if they don't like it either you move on or they do.

Can they hurt you ? Do they have sticks and stones, or only words ? Words like "Get the fuck away" shit like that. Did they use them ? Well if not wanted, move on. There are other places on the planet. Fukum.

And if they don't like me they are probably a bunch of maladjusted brats who just want to feel superior when they don't even have half my intelligence, wit and guile. Fukum.

Take that attitude in the door with you, but be nice, always be nice. And don't lose it.

Problem solved.

T^T



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