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RE: when does online become RL - 2/4/2011 7:57:43 PM

SexyBossyBBW

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I actually hadn't gotten to the scening online, when I responded to "when does it become real for me" thingie... I don't do it, and I don't accept it from anyone with me, because I too, would feel hurt if my man were doing it.

Scening online feels to me as is described here:

quote:

NocturnalStalker
I think online relationships are a waste of time. To be with someone emotionally but be unable to express seems like some sort of cruel tragedy than an actual relationship.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/4/2011 8:00:16 PM

DesFIP

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Right, so what good does it do for the op to poll us on this? Nothing, because she still feels hurt and the value of their relationship is diminished in her eyes. And that's what's at stake, her relationship not anyone else's.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/4/2011 8:18:07 PM

SexyBossyBBW

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I have been known to change my view/perspective, if serious discussion ensues, from people I care for and respect, that shows me I may be excessively sensitive to something that most people would find inoffensive. (looks run on sentence, oops) I used to be very much about my emotions, and reactions. Now, if I get upset, I ask myself, why do I care about this, before reacting, if at all.

I agree, what matters is that she feels hurt. I wonder if she asked here for validation, or just to vent. M

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/4/2011 8:48:30 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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To me an online, or long distance mostly only oneline because distance relationship, is real the moment I make the descion to commit to him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13

i have been trying to understand this and was after others input. to me its when you go past typing to the person , ie you talk on the phone or send texts. Masters says it is when you actually meet and touch.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/5/2011 3:24:00 AM

IronBear

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For me, it is when the girl kneels before me and I physically lock a collar about her throat.Then I will look into her eyhes and lay a hand on her and say: "MINE!"

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/5/2011 9:17:05 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The person who feels that they have been cheated on gets to define it. It doesn't matter if it isn't real to him. If it is real to you, then it is real.

Myself I feel cybersex with someone else is real and takes away from the intimacy of our relationship. But we discussed this upfront and he knew, and agreed.

I wouldn't like to be the woman he's cybering with, and discovering that he didn't believe anything he wrote to me. And if he feels leading her on, or lying to her is acceptable, then why wouldn't he feel that was acceptable to me? Morality isn't sometimes on and sometimes off. You either are an ethical person or you aren't. His comment about you being too honest makes me believe he feels it's fine if he isn't. That would bother me a lot. Other people may not be always honest, we know this from reading the newspaper. That doesn't mean it's fine if I decide to rob a bank. Or if someone I loved did.

The thing is, from what I'm gathering, he's not cheating. The man is poly and has said so from the beginning. Including that time when she was first getting to know him on line and he made her aware that he had another sub then. Makes about as much sense as clip coming to Me at this point and saying that I'm cheating on him because there are other people in My life.

This isn't to say that her feelings aren't legitimate. It's saying that when a person becomes involved with someone who is up front about being poly, they should expect them to be poly. There's no hiding going on between the two of them. (It's possible he may not be as forthright on how serious he takes the situation with the online gal, but that's another issue.) It's not cheating if she's right there, was informed that he had other women online from the beginning, and is continuing to do so.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/5/2011 9:48:04 AM

DesFIP

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I was unclear. I was using it as a metaphor. That just like the person being cheated on gets to define it, so does the person who feels it is real.

My point wasn't that it was cheating, but that real depends on how the people involved feel about it. He says it isn't real and therefore her feelings are invalid. Which isn't going to do anything to make her feel differently.

To the op, cyber and phone sex is real. To him, it isn't. But her feelings are just as real as if he was having sex with someone in front of her. The fact that he's said he's going to confine it to online and phone isn't changing how she feels. To her, he's still calling other women the same pet names he uses for her, he's telling them how special they are, and she still feels hurt. And it doesn't matter if 99% of people here say it isn't real, her feelings still are what they are.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/5/2011 11:36:35 AM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

This isn't to say that her feelings aren't legitimate. It's saying that when a person becomes involved with someone who is up front about being poly, they should expect them to be poly. There's no hiding going on between the two of them. (It's possible he may not be as forthright on how serious he takes the situation with the online gal, but that's another issue.) It's not cheating if she's right there, was informed that he had other women online from the beginning, and is continuing to do so.

Greetings,

In my opinion LadyPact touched on an important aspect that the op hasn't addressed. While she knowingly entered a relationship with someone that is poly, perhaps she unwittingly formulated ideas in her mind on how that might unfold. The mere fact that her feelings have been bruised suggests she made an errant assumption on some level. The dominant illustrated the same behavior during the acquaintance phase and has continued to do so at present. In short, nothing has changed save her presence. Perhaps she clung to the notion that being there would change his behavior in some way.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/5/2011 11:37:39 AM

LadyPact

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I may be looking at this from another angle, Des.

If the OP met a man who told her that he was Christian, even though she was Jewish, should she really feel bad if she moved in with him and he celebrated Christmas, Easter, and went to church on Sunday? It's not like she didn't know what the situation was before she moved in with him. She knew exactly what she was volunteering for.

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RE: when does online become RL - 2/5/2011 1:02:55 PM

DesFIP

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Knowing it intellectually and actually experiencing it are different. Sometimes you don't know how you're going to feel until the situation occurs. However, when people are poly, it is still necessary to address each individual's feelings if the relationship(s) will continue.

Telling someone to suck it up doesn't magically make them happy. Perhaps just as he needs all these online slaves, she needs not to be forced to watch him interact with them while ignoring her. Perhaps it would work better if she wasn't obligated to watch and listen to him. If she could go out with a friend and do something enjoyable during that time. I don't know what the solution is, they have to work it out for themselves, but the situation must be addressed if it will change. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. And that's what they have now. What they don't have is some clear communication or brainstorming solutions.

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