Dating in a Kinky World

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Halcyone -> Dating in a Kinky World (5/3/2006 11:15:49 AM)
This question is aimed more at those searching for a long-term relationship in the lifestyle. This is a site (one of several, I'm given to understand) that's at least partially dedicated to assisting you in finding The One (or Ones) interested in your flavor of BDSM. As a result, so many profiles seem to focus on laundry lists of kinky requirements instead of more "day to day" aspects such as non-kinky hobbies, interests, career, personality quirks, etc. It's rare that several days will go by without someone posting to the forums asking what questions should be asked during negotiations on a first meeting, when should safewords be set aside (or used at all), when should they first play... All of that leaves me wondering, how much actual dating goes on in the scene? Do those of you searching for a partner ever just do the dinner and movie thing, and leave thoughts of interviews and negotiations and swapping hard limits aside until it seems to be the natural time to discuss them in the getting to know you process? Is there an inclination to see conventional dating as...well...too vanilla? Sir and I have had an unconventional relationship (and I was never much good at dating anyway, in the kinky or the non-kinky world [:D]), and we're both curious about this aspect of the scene. He probably sums it up best: quote: ORIGINAL: Ceyx For those who are looking for long-term, D/s relationships-- and so many of the profiles claim that that's what they're looking for-- it must be like trying to find a husband or wife with a dating service that has a terribly restricted pool of participants. First you cut out everyone who /isn't/ kinky (Me: And then anyone who isn't kinky in your flavor!), and then you have to go through all of the usual business about chemistry, interests, goals... So when does the "usual business" of dating begin for you and how quickly do you introduce kink (negotiations, asking for references, discussing the scene, etc.) into your dates?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/3/2006 11:19:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Halcyone All of that leaves me wondering, how much actual dating goes on in the scene? Not enough. quote: Do those of you searching for a partner ever just do the dinner and movie thing, and leave thoughts of interviews and negotiations and swapping hard limits aside until it seems to be the natural time to discuss them in the getting to know you process? Is there an inclination to see conventional dating as...well...too vanilla? There is unfortunately the tendency to get swept up into the intensity of it all and leave behind the really important "convention" things that relationships need. Thus requiring lots of backtracking later on. For me, if I'm interested in actually forming a relationship with someone, that dating time is absolutely necessary. quote: So when does the "usual business" of dating begin for you and how quickly do you introduce kink (negotiations, asking for references, discussing the scene, etc.) into your dates? If I'm going on a date with someone, they already know I'm poly and kinky. If they are going on a date with me, they don't need references and I don't ask for them from others.

Nuke718 -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/3/2006 12:59:07 PM)
At this point in my life I only date people I would play with and vice versa. And as I meet most of them thru sites like this or the local munch/party community we usually talk at least a BIT about the lifestyle before "dating". But I like to mix the two styles. Whats wrong with good food, a show, and then a hot evening at home? And hot doesn't even have to include Clintonian sex LoL. I like to know that both halves of the woman I am seeing are a good fit, before going too much one way or another. And, I have to admit to coming to that conclusion the hard way. Cuz sex and a paddled ass ore no fun if you have no interest in talking to the person afterwards. Nuke }:-

TheShadows -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/3/2006 1:11:44 PM)
I can only answer this from my own personal experience with my husband, whom I met on Alt. From what I've heard from others, I do think the "dating" aspect has gone by the wayside in favor of right-off-the-bat, in-depth interviews. I was very upfront that I was looking for equals parts of vanilla and kink. We did the dinner and movie thing on our very first real life meeting, and didn't even discuss anything lifestyle-related. The next few dates, we did the dinner, drinks, dancing, movies, etc thing, and we gradually talked more and more about what we both wanted out of the relationship, limits, negotiations, etc. This eventually led to our first play session, which was about two months after our first meeting. If I'm in it for love, romance, long term, or marriage, which we both were at the time, I'd rather find out sooner, rather than later, if we don't click on a basic, vanilla level. For me, if vanilla type stuff doesn't click, there's a slim to none chance of the relationship lasting any significant amount of time. As always, YMMV.

kyraofMists -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/3/2006 6:12:57 PM)
The first thing my Lord and I did together was have coffee... or rather he had coffee and I had water since I was on caffeine restrictions from the Dr. That same day we went to dinner; though instead of dinner and a movie, it was dinner and a fire play demo. Even now we do the typical dating type things, dinner, movies, even spent an evening watching a sea turtle lay eggs with a local museum. These things build the foundation of our relationship and keep it strong and healthy. Plus we have some really great memories. One of his favorites is sitting on a beach at one in the morning waiting for a one flippered sea turtle to build it's nest and lay eggs. That is a really great memory s Knight's kyra

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/3/2006 10:54:47 PM)
I certianly wish there was more focus on dating, but it does seem that the urge to test the D/s waters makes it hard for people to keep a focus on other compatibility issues. I get very frustrated with doms who contact me then accuse me of wasting their time because I won't immediatly agree to meet and scene with them...Dang, what's wrong with wanting to know your actual name and married status before I decide?? [8\|] Cin <~ doesn't bend on her 'coffee first' rule.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/4/2006 3:22:53 AM)
I date. Go to movies, dinner, hang around the house, just the everyday normal stuff....with D/s thrown in. I have to have a balance of the two.

unquenchable -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/4/2006 3:34:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Halcyone All of that leaves me wondering, how much actual dating goes on in the scene? Do those of you searching for a partner ever just do the dinner and movie thing, and leave thoughts of interviews and negotiations and swapping hard limits aside until it seems to be the natural time to discuss them in the getting to know you process? Is there an inclination to see conventional dating as...well...too vanilla? I date, for me friendship needs to be based first. I think people are in it for different reasons, hence playing is not that uncommon, but neither is dating. For me personally, I need to develop trust prior to any sort of BDSM play at all. We go to dinner, talk about very vanilla interests, hit a ball game or a movie, and sometimes, with just the right person...... we play. un----------

foxnotinsox -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/4/2006 4:51:58 AM)
quote: All of that leaves me wondering, how much actual dating goes on in the scene? Do those of you searching for a partner ever just do the dinner and movie thing, and leave thoughts of interviews and negotiations and swapping hard limits aside until it seems to be the natural time to discuss them in the getting to know you process? Is there an inclination to see conventional dating as...well...too vanilla? So when does the "usual business" of dating begin for you and how quickly do you introduce kink (negotiations, asking for references, discussing the scene, etc.) into your dates? On my profile, with the exception of stating a couple of hard limits (Gor and cybering), there is little specific indication of what I like with respect to BDSM. All my interests listed are my interests, outside of the scope of BDSM. Personally, I don't like talking initially about sex or BDSM .. cause, in my opinion, it's just crass. Just because I like canes, doesn't mean I will play with everybody who likes canes ..... there's more to it than that. While I may speak of things BDSM with those I am comfortable with, negotiations do not begin until at least the second date. I have to have a feel for the other person, and one date just don't do it. A couple of vanilla dates, without the overhang of BDSM, is necessary for me as I cannot engage in anything unless I have thought it through, felt it out, muddled it over. Too vanilla? No ... rather I think it is not vanilla enough. Rather, just people's hormones getting ahead of their brains. Strong things, these lil chemicals =) and they can make one do crazy things. Then, on the other side, I've found in past that I made a mistake or acted rashly ... so would rather deny the initial flush of hormones and, if no red flags are raised over a period of time, then =) I am primed for play. I guess one could term it play denial [heheh on terms with orgasm denial] ... where one's patience is tested ... and this is a good thing. As for introducing kink, it is always there, as I am looking for a BDSM relationship, yet it doesn't have to be first and forefront. A strong initial focus on sex and/or bdsm is a huge red flag ... For instance, there was one guy I was speaking with through email and then on the phone. The first call, despite my asking him not too, he actually masturbated to ejaculation. So what does this tell me? heheh besides I have one hellova sexy voice ... well, it is that he was not able to listen to me nor to respond to my comfort levels ... which would make him, for me, a poor partner. I like to take things slow ... those that do not respect this limit would not be a good choice for me. Too many nowadays take things too fast, what with the internet, throw-away packaging, and instant gratification. Any dominant worth his salt =) would be able to discern my openness to discuss bdsm ... indeed, I am usually the one that brings it up..... Enjoy the day!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dating in a Kinky World (5/4/2006 6:19:15 AM)
I just want to add that, for me, it's not an "either/or" situation. I don't "date vanilla OR date kinky." I just date. If there happens to be a movie marathon I want to go to and that's where we go, then we do that. If there happens to be a play party that night and that's where we go, then we do that. We could go to the movies THEN go to a party. We could go to a leather shop and THEN go out to ice cream. It doesn't matter what "type" of date it is, because it's all suited to ME and US. The point isn't "what type of dating are you having." The point is that you are DATING- taking time to get to know eachother in happy places together, just being who you are and feeling eachother out in those contexts.

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