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how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/16/2011 9:53:19 PM

cakinkster

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/16/2011
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what qualities did you look for in your first partner- do you still seek the same type of qualities and people? I'm just starting to explore my kinky side and i'm not entirely sure what to expect or how to move forward from where I'm at in my life now- I guess creating a profile here is a step in the right direction.

< Message edited by cakinkster -- 2/16/2011 9:54:55 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/16/2011 10:21:36 PM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

That was a LONG time ago, so I shall try to remember.

Hmmmm. I think I was most interested in the person's intelligence. I still am.

I can not remember if I wanted submissives or dommes most then. I do know as a dominant one takes the active role more, and an active role as sub or dom finds more possible partners.

I have always loved seeing women with black hair, even though I may have ended up with their red headed or blonde friends.

"Available" is important. "Local" is good too. Yes I have stretched that and had long distance relationships across the continent. But a five minute drive or a 2 hour drive now seem much better than a 20 hour drive!

Having an open mind is good. Finding a partner with an open mind is great! Yes I respect all limits, even if that means not doing things I enjoy a lot. Yes I will do things I do not enjoy if a dear partner needs them!

Obviously appearance makes an impression, but when one is open to the energy of others one may find more beauty than the surface shows. It took while to learn this. If someone's personal energy or charisma feels good to me it does not mean they will become a partner, but it usually does means if something does develop it will be awesome!

Being honest helps a lot. I can not be in a good BDSM relationship without honesty, because that is needed to develop the mutual respect and trust which are the foundations of a relationship that will be good for me. All partners working to keep good communications flowing is important too.

The hottest picture on the net may be good "eye candy", but appearance can be deceptive in picking partners. We tend to overlook things when obsessing on appearance which might be deal breakers in a relationship.

Everyone has personal wants and needs, and we ought to consider if ours will be enhanced by a person becoming a partner. We also ought to think about whether we will meet their needs, or if everyone is open to allowing others to enter the relationship if needs are not fulfilled.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to cakinkster)

Post #: 2

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/16/2011 10:33:36 PM

Docere

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/28/2011
Status: offline

Oh my...you are new.

Before you start looking for people, you should first learn the basics. Knowledge is the first step to a positive experience.

Lets start you off with reading...and then read some more...and then more reading.

Lets start you off on a little mail management.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3152703/tm.htm
first contact emails... what really gets you

Your first goal is to get a clear understanding what it is you are looking for in the life style. Take a hard look at all of the options and ask yourself, am I open to that, would I be willing to learn.

When you have a solid handle on what you are interested in then you want to find a dom (dominate/person who is in control of the session) that has matching interests or is willing to do a scene within your own interests.

Finding a good one is really tough. Here are a few threads that will help guide you.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_825844/tm.htm
Spotting a Fake Dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_81695/tm.htm
What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me?

It is also important to focus on safety. Before you even agree to your first meet you should have a firm understanding of all of the safety measures before, during and after a session such as boundaries, limits, safe words among others. All I have on my at the moment is about the first meeting.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266/tm.htm
First meeting guidelines

I would also advise you to explore any BDSM dungeons scenes in your area. Most states have some type of organization for people who are in the lifestyle where you can meet people in a safe environment.

That should be enough to get you on the right track. This is a wonderful world of emotions to explore and experiment with, however it is a world that belongs to informed adults. If you don't do your due diligence you leave yourself open for a painful experience. I caution you to take you time and move slowly at first until you get your feet wet.

Feel free to PM me if you have more questions.

Have fun and be safe.

Edited for clarification.

< Message edited by Docere -- 2/16/2011 10:41:09 PM >

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Post #: 3

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/16/2011 10:53:04 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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ehhh This is NOT rocket science. Do what feels good and don't do the stuff you dont enjoi. Yes I swear it's really that simple. You cant read/study what makes a good submissive just like you cant read how to be a good master. Follow your instincts as to what you think you may enjoi. Certain things require some common sense and a degree of knowledge. ala that kung fu dude and bondage ie dont place a rope around your neck stand on a chair and wack off. Simple shit

Good luck BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Post #: 4

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:24:34 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cakinkster

what qualities did you look for in your first partner- do you still seek the same type of qualities and people? I'm just starting to explore my kinky side and i'm not entirely sure what to expect or how to move forward from where I'm at in my life now- I guess creating a profile here is a step in the right direction.

That's like asking me about the dawn of history. Intelligence. Still looking.

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Post #: 5

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:28:39 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

dont place a rope around your neck stand on a chair and wack off.

Good luck BadOne

Or wack off with a plastic bag around your head and a satsuma in your mouth. Oh and string around your neck tied to a big toe. I guess you'll never need to meet anyone doing that shit.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Post #: 6

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:30:34 AM

phoenixmoonn13

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Joined: 6/11/2010
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i had no clue either then out of the blue i met someone i wasnt looking and didnt realise at first he was a master he knew i was a sub but didn't take long and 2 and a half years later were happily together.
so sorry no help really i would apporach it as i would seeking anyone but at the end of the day its who feels right to you the qualities you will like may be different from the next person.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 7

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:35:06 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
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welcome to cm the best way to start a bdsm relationship like stated aboe is to learn about it. these message boards are a start as are book lists. going to local group events and attending munches are a great way to meet folks and see how they interact. going to play partys even if you dont play helps as you can see whats being done and if you like it welcome to the lifestyle and to cm enjoy the journey

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Post #: 8

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 3:34:39 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

welcome welcome cakinkster. =)
hang out here on CM and read threads and learn from people. if you see some weird word or abbreviation, you can search the threads and find more information, or you can ask someone.
check out Fetlife -- loads of forums on a variety of topics -- and other great informative sites scattered around the internet -- when i first got involved in a power exchange relationship, the guy i was with gave me sites to read and told me about his own experiences/ideas. he'd send me a topic via email, or wait until we were together in person, and we'd probe each other's brains. =p the chemistry with him brought out my desire to submit, and it didn't take him long to pick up on that. =p

once you've read some and feel comfortable, (or if you already feel comfortable) look for the real-life scene in your area. it's one thing to read something, but another to see people who actually live it and who are willing to help you learn. what interests brought you here to collarme? are you more interested in S&M? your profile talks about your wild fantasies, and S&M is how a lot of us get interested. you may or may not go for the power exchange stuff, but you'll more than likely get an idea of how other people make it work for them.

in the "modern age," you can hop on google and let your fingers do the walking. loads of information to find that way. there are also books like Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, S&M101, and some others that are almost always recommended to newbies.

aaaand most importantly -- have fun =)
p.s. i like your "chapstick lesbian" remark - a local person i know uses that designation also haha ^_^

(in reply to LPslittleclip)

Post #: 9

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 3:55:22 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

My then husband and I wandered into a fetish store and mutually realized this looked like fun. I started reading online and bought a lot of the books mentioned here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

We joined a local group, went to munches and play parties, and when we were home he practiced the techniques we'd learned about.

Alas, finally having a great sex life was not enough to hold the marriage together :(

After being physically hurt and mentally annoyed by several men who pretended to have experience with floggers, now I look for men with years, if not decades, of experience. And LOTS of toys ;)

While I'm not opposed to poly, I want to be alpha, so I am looking for a single man. It's gotten easy to spot the married cheaters.

Because I like bondage and pain, I am looking for a man I can trust. If my gut sends up red flags for any reason, I don't meet him. I learned the hard way to never skip having a vanilla meeting as the first meet. If the red flags come at the vanilla meeting, that's the last one.

Enjoy the ride!

(in reply to cakinkster)

Post #: 10

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 6:56:56 AM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
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It's the same, but only in a sense. I still like intellectual and cultural challenges, I still like people who bring me a bit outside my comfort zone, but I like it in a different way. I used to be very into the rebellious, independent types, but at this point I prefer a more subtle challenge from within rather than the outright rebellion bit. Above all else, I like adventurous women, and that's one thing that intensified in my time with the 'lifestyle,' if only because things go much more smoothly if the slave has an open mind and likes to try new things.

My point with this bit of overshacring is that you're still the same person, and you still need to approach things the way you always have, but things will shift over time. Follow your instincts - BDSM isn't some arcane circle, it's just another way of living.

< Message edited by Palliata -- 2/17/2011 6:59:09 AM >

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RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 7:56:03 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cakinkster

what qualities did you look for in your first partner- do you still seek the same type of qualities and people? I'm just starting to explore my kinky side and i'm not entirely sure what to expect or how to move forward from where I'm at in my life now- I guess creating a profile here is a step in the right direction.

I look for the same things that I would look for in any partner. Someone who shares the same interests, someone I like being around, someone who is easy to talk to, etc, etc.
Physical attraction helps too

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 12

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 8:11:37 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

I look for the same things that I would look for in any partner. Someone who shares the same interests, someone I like being around, someone who is easy to talk to, etc, etc.
Physical attraction helps too

This. And his character. If we're compatible on basic levels, if there is chemistry between us, and if it feels right, then I proceed. Slowly.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 13

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:08:01 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Know thyself.
If you don't know what you're looking for, then you won't recognize it when you find it.
First and foremost, it's a relationship. So you need the same qualities in a kinky partner as you need in a vanilla one, plus compatible kinks.

So how do you size up men you meet as to whether or not they interest you, deserve your attention, earn your respect, etc?

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Post #: 14

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:11:28 PM

TotalDiscipline

Posts: 225
Joined: 5/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cakinkster

what qualities did you look for in your first partner- do you still seek the same type of qualities and people? I'm just starting to explore my kinky side and i'm not entirely sure what to expect or how to move forward from where I'm at in my life now- I guess creating a profile here is a step in the right direction.

Don't plan, don't think to much..let it happen..as life happens.
A profile would be a great start..and posting here.

(in reply to cakinkster)

Post #: 15

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/17/2011 12:33:25 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Well, this is a bad question for me since I can't imagine myself ever starting a "bdsm relationship". I just start relationships. I presume that if I found something likable enough in someone to start a relationship with them, then I can probably just roll with that. Accordingly, the things I look for in a partner are:

- A compatible sense of ethics
- Personal strength
- Reasonably objective introspective capability
- Honesty -- with themselves and others
- A willingness to actually participate on a team (toughest one to find in my experience)
- Some moderate level of physical attractiveness

After that it's all that mystical "chemistry" thing. Those attributes probably aren't too bad fi you're looking for a lifelong partner. If, on the other hand you're looking for a 1 month fuck buddy or anything else substantially different than "life partner" and I'd expect an entirely different set of criteria would be in play. Perhaps what you need to do is write down what sort of relationship you're looking for then try to figure out what kind of person would likely succeed at helping create that.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/19/2011 2:43:46 PM

cakinkster

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

you need the same qualities in a kinky partner as you need in a vanilla one, plus compatible kinks.

how common is it for people to have meaningful monogamous relationships like "all that and a bag of chips" the chips being compatible kinks

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 17

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/19/2011 2:52:38 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
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You identify yourself as a 25 year old lesbian switch. That makes it pretty tough for me to answer, but I'd say you should look for a female switch. That should narrow it down considerably.

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Post #: 18

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/19/2011 5:02:04 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

You identify yourself as a 25 year old lesbian switch. That makes it pretty tough for me to answer, but I'd say you should look for a female switch. That should narrow it down considerably.

I would agree up to a point about labels. I've changed my label and that's because I've changed and hope that the way I id myself as closely resembles who I feel myself to be.
I don't know if it's because there are fakes. wannabes or liars on this site more than any other, but I really wish that some would take a close look at how they label themselves.
For example: why would someone have two user names and label themself a slave on one and a submissive on the other and be quite open about that? (More fun and just about as congruous to have two entiely different lables say as a dom and as a slave and see what turns up in your post bag.). What I am saying is that it's pretty difficult starting out even if you trust from the outset what another is saying about themselves. The way it is now? Makes me glad I am not starting out. The way it is now? I still get caught out.

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Post #: 19

RE: how to start bdsm a relationship? - 2/20/2011 5:29:13 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
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Good point, Prinsexx.

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Post #: 20

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