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How do you know when - 2/17/2011 1:20:32 PM

Piccola3x3

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/3/2011
Status: offline

Let me start by saying that I am totally new to all of this. I had suspected that I was submissive for a long time, but recently worked up the nerve to seek out a Master. We have discussed many things and the one thing that really concerns us both is rushing into things. We would both like to have an actual relationship not just M/s. We seem to click on so many levels that it is unreal, I worry about moving too fast, but it just seems to be happening. I don't want my Master to feel as if I am trying to take advantage of him, but I'm concerned that if I try to slow things down he will think I'm not truly interested. I'm in a damned if I do, damned if I don't. Advice would be appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 1:22:12 PM

TotalDiscipline

Posts: 225
Joined: 5/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

an actual relationship not just M/s

get rid of this thought...then continue
M/s is for many actually an "actual"relation

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 1:42:48 PM

IceDemeter

Posts: 84
Status: offline

First of all - relax and try to not over-think things!

You say that you "click on so many levels" - that's great! That's the perfect starting point.

As for not rushing - who says what is rushing and what isn't? Why not just go with the flow and let things happen as they happen? As far as I'm aware, there is no hard-and-fast rule anywhere for precisely when each step of a relationship should occur - it's all up to the people in it, what they feel, and what they want. The easiest thing to do is just let the relationship grow it's own way - organically, if you will...

It sounds like you two are communicating well, so just keep talking. If he feels that you are starting to "take advantage" of him (which phrase I really don't understand --- as a Master, he's running the relationship, so he's doing what he does because he wants to) then make sure he knows that he can comfortably tell you so. If you feel that something is happening more quickly than you are comfortable with, make sure that you tell him so. As long as you're putting everything on the table, you can both deal with it and carry on.

Honestly, the only people who can tell you what is the right speed for a relationship to grow are the people who are in that relationship. Try to keep the pressure off of yourselves about where the relationship will end up in a few weeks/months/years/decades and just enjoy what you have today, for today.

Oh - and please try to avoid the conflicting advice from all of the well-meaning friends and relatives and dating sites and self-help books who try to tell you that there really is some hard-and-fast rule about how things should go. They aren't you, they aren't your Master, and they aren't the ones enjoying your relationship!

Best wishes!

(in reply to TotalDiscipline)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 1:46:33 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piccola3x3

Let me start by saying that I am totally new to all of this. I had suspected that I was submissive for a long time, but recently worked up the nerve to seek out a Master. We have discussed many things and the one thing that really concerns us both is rushing into things. We would both like to have an actual relationship not just M/s. We seem to click on so many levels that it is unreal, I worry about moving too fast, but it just seems to be happening. I don't want my Master to feel as if I am trying to take advantage of him, but I'm concerned that if I try to slow things down he will think I'm not truly interested. I'm in a damned if I do, damned if I don't. Advice would be appreciated.

Hello, Piccola3X3, welcome to the message boards. Okay, you don't just want a Dominant/submissive relationship, you also want a relationship that includes love. I know what you man by not just having M/s...it is good to know what you need from this and maybe you will find someone to have it all with, the relationship you need as well as the Master/slave, or at least Dominant/submissive.

Advice? You are new and are just starting to get to know someone. How is slowing things down so that you are comfortable and don't feel like bolting taking advantage of him? Glad to hear that you are clicking with him on so many levels...but...this happens to me with subs half a dozen times per year... There are many wonderful people out there, but it doesn't mean you will fall in love and feel safe with the first one you feel this way with.

Meet up in a public place and do not go anywhere private. People who meet with you face to face are less likely to just go poof and disappear. Then talk with him about slowing this down and see how he reacts.

****
edited to add

I read your profile and journal entry, and see that you are already owned. I don't want to delete what I already said because it was a response to what you wrote and might be helpful to lurkers. You are owned now and need to talk this over with your Dom...and enjoy the ride. Sorry to hear that he is out of town and you miss him.

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 2/17/2011 1:52:35 PM >

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 1:54:08 PM

ashjor911

Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline

Piccola3x3
you have been blest with this (finding your soul mate)
here is a tip
who cares if you are moving to fast or not
just 2 people enjoying life & its clicks on many levels
forget about every thing else foucus on the (one in a life time) maybe it would be the one & you dont want to miss it
sorry about the words dear i am in much pain right now

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 2:39:55 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piccola3x3
Let me start by saying that I am totally new to all of this.

Welcome to Collarme and this thing which passes for a "lifestyle"

We have discussed many things and the one thing that really concerns us both is rushing into things.
Yeah, that was a major concern of mine too. As the guy in charge, I kind of figured it was my job to set an appropriately sedate pace.

We would both like to have an actual relationship not just M/s.
*blinks* OK, either figure out how M/s IS an actual relationship or else do yourself a favor right now and stop seeking M/s.

We seem to click on so many levels that it is unreal, I worry about moving too fast, but it just seems to be happening.
I wouldn't worry too much. It's not happening as fast as you think (and I mean this in the best of ways). In fact, the mere fact that you are worrying about the pace rather than trusting him to tells me that things are probably about right.

I don't want my Master to feel as if I am trying to take advantage of him
Well, then don't take advantage of him. Assuming, of course, that you think he's a reasonably astute guy, he should figure out reality, right? If he can't figure out reality, then perhaps you need to decide whether it's a good idea to become the property of a delusional person. (PS: as a general rule, it's always all going to come down to trust. I'm just poking a bit of fun at that right here. Do you trust him or not?)

but I'm concerned that if I try to slow things down he will think I'm not truly interested.
Because... despite your having told him what's really going on right from your own mouth he is going to choose to believe something else? In other words, he thinks you are either delusional or a liar? Is that what you really think about the guy you're proposing to give yourself too?

I'm in a damned if I do, damned if I don't.
No, I'd say you're in a "spinning in your chair worrying over nothing" situation. Another interpretation is that you're in a "You need to learn to trust your master" situation.

Advice would be appreciated.
Yup. Go slow.... Really slow. Both of you have to try. Yes, in my opinion, YOU have an obligation not to over-submit and place more responsibility on his shoulders than he has either agreed to or possibly wants. He needs to demonstrate some restraint in how far and how fast he allows this to go also. Conveniently enough, many folks here would agree that restraint is an important part of being a successful dominant so wont' it be neat that you get to see him demonstrate it right up front? That saves on worrying down the road.

Oh, and another thing... You need to talk to him the way you talk to us. That way the guy who really matters to you will actually... you know... be in the loop. :)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 4:03:06 PM

Piccola3x3

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/3/2011
Status: offline

We have talked about these subjects on many occasions and I guess maybe I am stressing too much, but I know that in the past (vanilla relationships) he had women who tried to take advantage of him. We all have the tendency to carry over the things from other relationships that have affected us whether we want to or not. He is more of a Daddy Dom and likes to care for women and do things for his girl. I on the other hand have had men who lied and said things were fine when they weren't. I met a few Doms prior to meeting my Master and they acted like everything was well and they wanted to see me again, only to just start ignoring me. I've always had to be the "strong" one in relationships and I'm not used to letting others see how much I need them. I'm afraid of coming off too needy, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and seeing to everything, but it is nice to have someone who wants to take care of me. Someone I can simply let go with and not have to worry about figuring out how to please. Master says that I am a sub with slave tendencies. All I know is that I want to care for him and give him as much as he gives me and considering what he has given me already, that is a lot and I don't mean monetary things either.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 4:16:00 PM

ashjor911

Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline

Fast replay
forget about the past, just enjoy the moment
(All I know is that I want to care for him and give him as much as he gives me) reading that is nice
best of luck

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 5:19:15 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piccola3x3
All I know is that I want to care for him and give him as much as he gives me and considering what he has given me already

Hold onto that thought. The sign of a really good relationship is when both parties are thinking exactly that. Start there.. hold on to it... not much can go wrong really.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 7:55:43 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

We would both like to have an actual relationship not just M/s.

What makes you think that a M/s relationship is not an actual relationship?

As for the rest; just go with the flow and do what feels right. Relationships are relationships, no matter what 'label' you try to pin to them. Even more important is the fact that you and he are still PEOPLE. You have the same wants, needs, desires, wishes, goals, etc that anyone else has; IN SPITE OF what kind of a relationship the two of you decide to embark on.

Just do what feels right for both of you.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you know when - 2/17/2011 8:26:23 PM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IceDemeter

First of all - relax and try to not over-think things!

You say that you "click on so many levels" - that's great! That's the perfect starting point.

As for not rushing - who says what is rushing and what isn't? Why not just go with the flow and let things happen as they happen? As far as I'm aware, there is no hard-and-fast rule anywhere for precisely when each step of a relationship should occur - it's all up to the people in it, what they feel, and what they want. The easiest thing to do is just let the relationship grow it's own way - organically, if you will...

It sounds like you two are communicating well, so just keep talking. If he feels that you are starting to "take advantage" of him (which phrase I really don't understand --- as a Master, he's running the relationship, so he's doing what he does because he wants to) then make sure he knows that he can comfortably tell you so. If you feel that something is happening more quickly than you are comfortable with, make sure that you tell him so. As long as you're putting everything on the table, you can both deal with it and carry on.

Honestly, the only people who can tell you what is the right speed for a relationship to grow are the people who are in that relationship. Try to keep the pressure off of yourselves about where the relationship will end up in a few weeks/months/years/decades and just enjoy what you have today, for today.

Oh - and please try to avoid the conflicting advice from all of the well-meaning friends and relatives and dating sites and self-help books who try to tell you that there really is some hard-and-fast rule about how things should go. They aren't you, they aren't your Master, and they aren't the ones enjoying your relationship!

Best wishes!

Pretty much this. Do what you feel comfortable with, being sure to let him push your boundaries at least a little, and above all else have an enjoyable relationship that makes you both happy. M/s is, to me, the ultimate in romantic relationships. I suspect that, as you get further into it, you will begin to form the same opinion. If you don't, and it's important to you to have a "real relationship," then maybe the lifestyle isn't for you, or maybe you're with the wrong person. Just follow your instincts as you would in any other relationship and you'll be fine. The only real difference between M/s and vanilla, from an emotional perspective, is how things are expressed. Instead of buying him gifts and listening to his problems as the primary form of demonstrating affection, now you obey him and service his needs as well. Love is still the most important emotion in the relationship, at least to my eye.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to IceDemeter)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you know when - 2/18/2011 5:48:43 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Tell him. Tell him exactly what you've told us, that you're afraid you're both just wearing rose colored glasses and you want to deepen the relationship before moving further on. That you're afraid it's too good to be true.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you know when - 2/21/2011 11:30:44 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

yes what DesFIP said if you are felling something make sure that your Dom knows how you feel and try to find out why you feel this way and what would make you feel better effective communication is esential in a healthy relationship

_____________________________

proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you know when - 2/21/2011 1:42:22 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I think you should slow down, and stop over analyzing... enjoy.. but do go slow.. you'll never get this great "getting to know you" and urgent and wonderfully fun part of the relationship back.. enjoy it.. slowly

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you know when - 2/21/2011 1:49:11 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I don't understand why the OP thinks she is taking advantage of this new guy by showing interest.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you know when - 2/21/2011 1:52:56 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I don't understand why the OP thinks she is taking advantage of this new guy by showing interest.

LOL - thank you for saying that.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you know when - 2/21/2011 1:54:00 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Oh good. I thought my reading comprehension had been compromised.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you know when - 2/22/2011 7:43:59 AM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piccola3x3
We seem to click on so many levels that it is unreal, I worry about moving too fast, but it just seems to be happening.

WHY do you think it's moving too fast?

I don't want my Master to feel as if I am trying to take advantage of him, but I'm concerned that if I try to slow things down he will think I'm not truly interested.

OP, i'm new to this too, and i've had to ask people to slow down because things were moving too fast, and i was uncomfortable. i've also NOT asked, with disaster generally resulting. If it really is moving too fast, keeping quiet about it, even out of gratitude, will only make things worse. Other people have said it- talk to Him. It's a good test of the health of the relationship. If you're not permitted to talk to Him about your concerns (and i'm not saying that that is the case), but IF it were, then it would be a really bad sign. Think about it. If you were Him, would *you* want you keeping secrets?

Think of it this way. (warning: silly example) If your car starts making funny noises, you take it in, right? You don't just ignore it. Because the longer you ignore it, the more serious the problem may become, and pretty soon you're replacing the whole engine instead of just refilling the oil. Right? Even if you don't KNOW if something's wrong. Even if you just thing there MIGHT be something wrong. It would still be wise just to check it out, make sure. Right? The same reasoning applies here.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 2/22/2011 7:51:26 AM >

(in reply to Piccola3x3)

Post #: 18

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