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New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/17/2011 11:06:26 PM

DevilishEnvy

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I would like some Ideas for establishing ownership of a mischievous little brat that sometimes enjoys her punishments over dominance and compliance. I checked some of the archives for appropriate punishments gone through them to discuss limits. Now i need some ideas on overall dominance. There's not much she's not into, but we want to learn how to effectively mix life and play. Any help would be appreciated.

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 12:47:12 AM

62704

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Try telling her enough is enough, shape up or ship out?

Eh, perhaps if she's enjoying the attention and/or pain, do the corner time thing. Add sensory deprivation to induce boredom. Make her miss your affection, and want to avoid banishment.

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 3:13:33 AM

dreamerdreaming

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Do you want a punishment dynamic, and does she? Or do you want "funishment?? There's a huge difference.

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 6:21:24 AM

LadyPact

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You might be very interested in some of the non fiction books that are out there on BDSM.

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 11:23:51 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DevilishEnvy
Any help would be appreciated.

Real dominance (as opposed to funishment, kink, etc) is contained in the phrase, "Do this." and way more importantly, the emotional mindset behind it. Note that I didn't say "Do this or else." I said, "do this period".

At the point you say that, it no longer matters what your sub is into. It no longer matters whether he or she is a brat. What matters is that they do whatever you said. If they don't do it, release them.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 11:45:35 AM

Nanako

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You need to stop giving punishments the sub enjoys, and start giving a real punishment.

Usually, depriving them of attention will work. This is most likely what she seeks. Lock her in a room and leave her for an hour or two, see how rebellious she is after that

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 1:52:22 PM

DesFIP

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You aren't making yourself clear as to when it is playtime and when it's serious. Beyond that, you need to be consistent. If 9 times out of 10 her sassing you gets a fun session of spanking and laughter, then it's your fault on the rare occasions when you don't want her to do that. You've taught her it's a good thing and not a bad.

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/18/2011 8:53:09 PM

MaamJay

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OK. I have to say at the outset that I don't have time for brats ... if they can't obey willingly from a desire to please Me, I'm not much interested. I'm not into playing silly games just to get something done, and I don't subscribe to this "needs to be broken/tamed" philosophy. That just tells Me they have no responsibility or self-discipline and will be all way too much hard work to be bothered!

However, if you have taken on someone like this ... and wish to persevere ... well here's a few pointers.
1. If the sub enjoys the punishments then clearly ... they're not punishments! They are presumably things that you might otherwise do as play. For some that could be spanking etc, there are others who love corner time! (Chance to goof off and do nothing and let the mind freewheel can't be all bad!). So your first task is to find out what would REALLY be a punishment as in something they dislike so much they never want it to happen again! Places to start are withdrawal of things ... privileges ... hobbies such as TV, computer time, clothes or shoes they particularly love ... or your attention. Another possibility is extra chores ... the really boring drudge type things ... enough to occupy lots of the time they could have been spending with you doing nicer stuff. If they have genuinely submissive feelings they should be mortified at having displeased you and even worse when it is obvious that their punishment is also punishing you. For example "I was looking forward to the play party on Saturday, but now you have done x, neither of us will be going". Then make sure you both have a very dull and boring Saturday evening ... maybe the sub can spend it clearing out a cupboard or something!

2. DesFIP commented it's possible there's confusion about play and punish ... or when it's ok to be cheeky and when it's not etc. Consistency is EVERYTHING in initial training. Only once you have intimate knowledge of each other will the sub be able to read when it's ok to push a little without getting the D's back up ... and when that wouldn't be a smart move!

3. Clearly think through for yourself what is important to you in terms of rules, behaviour, protocols ... and what's not! Take time over this, scribble it down, cross stuff out, add more ideas ... until you have a really clear schema. Then communicate that clearly to your sub. Make that a 2-way discussion ... questions, clarifications ... until it's definitely blindingly clear to both and agreed upon. Work out whether each item is something you can realistically expect to change overnight, or what might be a suitable time frame for change ... and what interim progress you expect to see. Also work out what genuine punishments infractions will merit. Then ... enforce it ... 100% consistently, no if's, buts, maybes! It may be a drag to you to do so, you may not feel like doing so ... but it is essential to do so until it becomes second nature to do the right thing. If you find you have a LOT of rules ... introduce the overview as explained (so they know what will ultimately be expected of them) BUT say that you will implement them in stages. For example, stage 1 will be rules 1-5 ... these are the ones you will be enforcing. After maybe a month or so, when these are nicely in place, move on to stage 2 etc.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/19/2011 2:38:42 AM

BitaTruble

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quote:

... we want to learn how to effectively mix life and play. Any help would be appreciated.

Be consistent with your reactions to her behavior. If you didn't get mad at her yesterday for behavior X, don't get mad at her today for that behavior because it was up to you to *clearly* specify the behavior was unacceptable to you.

Speaking about being clear.. it's usually pretty important that you make sure that your partner understands your instructions. Saying the same thing a few different ways, having her repeat it back to you in her own words will go far to helping her feel secure in your ability to lead as well as helping her to recognize her sound choice of you as her authority figure.

Tweaking her is a fine thing and will get you the submissive you need, want and deserve.. trying to change her, not so much. You took her for a reason, so try to keep that reason in mind and if you appreciate who and how she is, nurture her growth for enhancement without dulling those things which attracted you in the first place. It's a fine balance, but ya knew the job was tough when you took it, right? :)

Set her reachable, reasonable goals both short term and long term with plenty you know will be easy for her to obtain so as to keep her feeling productive and pleasing, but a few, also that will challenge her to prevent things from getting stale or getting into a rut. I highly suggest you engage her brain with determing these goals as two heads are better than one and she might come up with things that appeal to your particular desires, style etc. Ask her for help in setting your short and long term goals as well. Working as a unit can really get you places and being a *we* with each other can help you stay on the path together, growing at comparable rates (if you are in it for the long term).

Recognize that she's flawed, she'll fall, she will make mistakes and do all the stupid human tricks the rest of us do.. and try not to beat her up to much for those things. Most likely, she'll have to learn not to beat herself up to much for them as well. Make sure that she also knows you are also human (sometimes submissives tend to forget their dominants are not actual Gods and, damn, that's a pretty tough image to live up to!), will fall down, make mistakes and do stupid human tricks, too.. and ask for a hand when you stumble. With affection, loyalty, love, devotion or just plain old compassion, she'll offer the hand up rather than try to step on you when you fall. Set the example as best as you can but allow each of you to be the humans you are.. easier said then done, especially at first.

By all means.. play! Have fun.. laugh, giggle, be a clown, dress up, buy toys.. whatever it is that you enjoy doing.. do it.. and keep doing it, or versions of it or something completely new and different. Just don't stop having fun. Write it down if you have to.. seriously, on the calendar, set an alarm in your cell phone.. whatever it takes so that you don't forget that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I know way too many people who let the lighter side of life slide because they forget that even in the midst of crisis, laughter is a great reliever of tension and even pain. It's too easy to let one day lead into the next and before you realize it, you haven't laughed in months. I don't know of a single relationship that ever lasted any significant length of time where there wasn't laughter involved.

The rest.. it'll come to you. Be yourself so she is following *you* and not any idealized image she may have of you in her head. That means you need to show her who you *really* are.. and if she's cool with that and you're cool with her ya got a chance to make some of that thar magic.

Good luck to you.

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/24/2011 7:18:58 PM

LadySunn

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"Funishment" sounds so dirty...giggles

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 2/25/2011 5:08:25 PM

MissEmery

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MaamJay and Bita Truble

I'd like to thank both of you for your thoughtful posts. Most Dominas encourage communication, but not all have the patience to communicate kindly and informatively to a novice D. Leadership, at its core, is an act of service. Both of you have emerged as leaders in this discussion.

I would also like to thank DevilishEnvy for being either stupid enough or brave enough (I'll credit you with the bravery) for posting an honest question to other Dominas. The fact that you are new, doesn't mean you aren't dominant. You do need more education (punishment is not funishment) but we can all learn here.

I like to learn what my subs like because if they are too specific about their own desires, they aren't good subs, and I get rid of them. If they truly wish to serve, it benefits us both if I know how to punish versus funish them. This is a learning curve that creates a unique situation with each new sub I've let serve me. And I'm the one who must learn.

Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci spent years mastering their craft. They didn't know everything when they started, but they recognized the inner desire that led them to the pursuit of excellence. I believe this is true of all disciplines.

As a novice Domina, I see BDSM (HIJKLMNOP etc) as a blank canvas on which I will learn to paint my desires. The subs are the pigment of choice in my avocation.

I have 3 potential subs who will serve me this coming week and I am looking forward to my time with each and every one of them. My greatest wish is that I could use them even more fully than I know how to now.. A congresswoman who spoke to me many years ago shared her philosophy on service: she said, "Use me, but use me well."

Each of us pro/nov/dom/sub/vanilla/idiot benefits from being used well and from the usefulness of others in our lives.

I would love to share ideas and information with other novice Dominas, pro Dominas, Bi Dominas, you name it. I sure as hell don't want to hear a bunch of smack from anyone about how non-dominant they think I am because I don't know how to expediently find/identify/train a new sub yet.

Thank you again for creating an honest conversation that helps a novice learn to explore her desires. Your leadership is greatly appreciated.

Miss Emery

< Message edited by MissEmery -- 2/25/2011 5:31:00 PM >

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RE: New to ownership and intense domination. - 3/2/2011 10:58:32 PM

DevilishEnvy

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I wrote my post as neither an act of bravery nor stupidity, just a sincere desires to learn other points of view. I have since found that using a cane works well, as does neglect. I just want to learn more tricks because i don't want it to become a chore. I would Ike to keep it as exciting as it is now. She has broke down a few times when i question her seriousness and devotion and we've talked a lot to determine her level of committedness. Now, i have an incredible if somewhat outspoken docile slave. Every day, she makes me a little more proud and i develop more pride in my ability to control her. Leaving her isn't an option. So i appreciate everyone's replies. I just needed to learn to be a little harder and she a little more pliant. Thanks all!

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