RE: Question about a rude sub.

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LadyPact -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 10:32:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit So I need to ask the subs out there: Not a sub. Just giving two cents from the female perspective. quote: A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left. The whole issue could have been avoided right here. The email was opened, so she knew you had time to read it. If you didn't have time to reply, you could have said something to that effect. Just a matter of sending "I'll be back to you shortly" would have skipped the whole thing. It wasn't necessarily rude on your part, but you also weren't as courteous as you could have been. (Keep in mind, the two of you had just started exchanging more intimate messages.) quote: B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person? I'll give you that she was rude for calling you an asshole. At the same time, since you had just started discussing things that were a bit more personal, she may have felt more extended than she should have been when the message had obviously been read, but no reply. quote: C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise? Did she block you before or after she received the note about the apology? Had it been Me, if I had sent an email discussing things that I'm "into" which was read but no reply was forthcoming, I'd have figured I wasted My time and would have blocked then. There's no wimpy about it. Somebody telling Me that I need to apologize if I felt slighted wouldn't get far. Chalk it up to a lesson. If you have the time to read an email, but not enough time to dedicate to a full response, just send a note saying that you will write back when you can have the amount of time that you would like to put into an answer.

NihilusZero -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 11:15:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl Why are you, a Dominant, worried about what others think of your response to someone who you believe was rude to you? It occurs to me this subtly implied correlation is why many newbie D-types (like the ones people say flood inboxes with immediate demands) fail to understand the divide between assertive bravado and the pertinent skills involved in being an effective leader.

MistressVon -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 11:18:58 PM)
Yes, it was rude. Plain and simple. Don´t start something you can not finish.

NihilusZero -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 11:22:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If you have the time to read an email, but not enough time to dedicate to a full response, just send a note saying that you will write back when you can have the amount of time that you would like to put into an answer. This is certainly a functional piece of advice, but the underlying message is that someone should add additional precautions when talking online in case the other person is prone to freak-outs and overtly suspicious thinking.

NihilusZero -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 11:28:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressVon Yes, it was rude. Plain and simple. Don´t start something you can not finish. Yes, distractions or other life events are not priorities over casual internet talks if the other person could be ridiculously hypersensitive. Thank goodness the OP wasn't on the phone when his battery died on the road before he could get home in traffic 2 hours later! I'd hate to see the responses he'd be getting then! I'm starting to get the feeling there may be at least a subtle gender bias in some of these responses (it could just be comparison to nebulous recollections of mine from similar instances where the genders were reversed...but I dunno).

BitaTruble -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 11:33:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). quote: She brought up what turned her on, not me. quote: No one, and I mean NO ONE is as good at reading between the lines of emails as you think you are. Sometimes it isn't all that difficult. [8\|] Not only did you bring up the subject, you went on to comment that her responses were just a few phrases etc. and she really offered nothing further on which to comment. After her response to your inquiry as to her turn-ons, you disappeared and didn't get back to her till the next day only to find that she thought you an asshole for what had transpired. You are responsible for your own actions. Own them or don't, but in my opinion, the term she used, asshole, was perhaps a bit off the mark.. but not by much.

NihilusZero -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/18/2011 11:42:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble [ After her response to your inquiry as to her turn-ons, you disappeared and didn't get back to her till the next day only to find that she thought you an asshole for what had transpired. You are responsible for your own actions. Own them or don't, but in my opinion, the term she used, asshole, was perhaps a bit off the mark.. but not by much. I'm not sure I follow you: her not having been responded to until one day later after baring the vulnerability of turn-ons makes the OP a two-stepper from "asshole" instead of making her presumptively manic?

BitaTruble -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 12:00:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero I'm not sure I follow you: her not having been responded to until one day later after baring the vulnerability of turn-ons makes the OP a two-stepper from "asshole" instead of making her presumptively manic? You're right, NZ, you didn't follow me. It wasn't that he didn't respond to her (as far as she knows, he never responded to her as she had blocked him the previous day).. it's that he made a statement about specifically asking her for her turn ons, then when someone called him on asking for that info in his second email to her, he turned it around and said she brought it up. So did he have a brain fart and just forget that he had asked her for her turn-ons in his second email? Why bring it up at all about her offering to share her turn-ons? Only thing I can think of is to back-peddle to try to make it appear as if she were the bad guy. The whole OP smells of seeking validation to me. MMV but that's what I see, so that's the way I call it.

YoungBlondeSlave -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 12:00:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit A sub emailed me yesterday. We sent a couple of emails back and forth (not chat). I will not reveal her identity, it is not relevant. I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation. I recall you stating in a later post that she started the conversation in regards to interests/turn ons. quote: As I was reading her email, I got a phone call and answered it, turning off my computer. You state here that you were reading her e-mail, while it is nice that you are considerate enough to give the caller your full attention a quick note of “I’ve got a phone call I need to take, I will respond when I have the chance” is greatly appreciated. While you don’t owe it to her, per se, a little consideration goes a long way…in both directions. quote: Today I go back to my computer to find 3 things. 1) About 45 minutes after I had turned off the computer she saw that I had read her last email and sent me another email, asking if her answer was "not good enough." 2) About thirty minutes after that she sent me a one word email "asshole" 3) And then blocked me. Speaking from personal experience, if conversation seems to flow and then all of a sudden comes to a screeching halt, I get panicky too. I have sent e-mails asking if I said something inappropriate but never have I sent an e-mail calling someone an asshole and then subsequently blocking them. Maybe she thought you were just yanking her chain, someone who wasn’t “real” it could be anything. I wouldn’t worry about it, it’s done and over with now. quote: Note, she should have been able to see that the email in point 1) had not been read. Apparently she assumed I was ignoring her, but not blocking her. So I need to ask the subs out there: A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left. B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person? C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise? A.No, you weren’t rude, but as I mentioned before, you could have communicated to her what was happening instead of leaving her in the lurch. You could have said that you wanted to take time to give her e-mail a thoughtful response. B.Maybe you did get lucky, who knows. There can be a multitude of reasons for her reacting the way she did. Maybe recently she’s been screwed around with a lot and now she’s just in the habit of reacting first before she gets hurt again. Who knows, I’m not psychic so I couldn’t begin to guess. On the other hand, she might be a high-maintenance, prima-donna princess who is used to every man giving her the attention she feels that she so rightly deserves…you’ll never know. C.I think the sneaky manner of telling her that you like it when subs apologize is a bit much. And how could you have required her to apologize if she blocked you? Also, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want an apology if it’s insincere. If she wanted to apologize, she would have. You shouldn’t have to force an apology out of anyone.

sirssubk2008 -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 12:14:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit A sub emailed me yesterday. We sent a couple of emails back and forth (not chat). I will not reveal her identity, it is not relevant. I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation. As I was reading her email, I got a phone call and answered it, turning off my computer. Today I go back to my computer to find 3 things. 1) About 45 minutes after I had turned off the computer she saw that I had read her last email and sent me another email, asking if her answer was "not good enough." 2) About thirty minutes after that she sent me a one word email "asshole" 3) And then blocked me. Note, she should have been able to see that the email in point 1) had not been read. Apparently she assumed I was ignoring her, but not blocking her. So I need to ask the subs out there: A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left. B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person? C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise? I agree that it was not the most courteous way to handle the situation (considering the content of the read email), but rude is a little out there. I do believe her first email to you was certainly something I would have sent if we had been firing emails back and forth continuous, but I would also have stopped to think that maybe your internet fizzled out, as sometimes happens, and let it go at that, waiting to see if there was a response the next day. Her second email was definitely rude, it would have been in her best interest to just let it go. Blocking you, IMO was not rude, it was her option, though if I ever use this function it would be only after I have requested that someone not contact me and they continue to do so. Since I have yet to use the block feature (as my profile is now hidden), I'm not sure how that works. Did you send your message and something came up that said she blocked you? If that's the case then no need to bock. I agree with another poster that said something along the lines of if after you explained yourself, the two of you continued to talk then an apology would be in order, but I also feel that you owed her one as well, however I know that after being called an asshole that would be difficult. If she had stopped after her first email of questioning why there hadn't been a response, I think something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I had gotten called away and could not immediately respond" and then go on with the response. As to whether or not it was a whimpy thing to do,I dont think whimpy is the right word. It's natural for a person to want an apology when they have been wronged, however, if you have to ask or even hint, for one, then the one you get will probably not be sincere, so why bother? I suggest you just chalk this up to experience and learn from it. Don't let it weigh so heavily on yourself.

myotherself -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 12:16:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit A sub emailed me yesterday. We sent a couple of emails back and forth (not chat). I will not reveal her identity, it is not relevant. so far, so good quote: I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation. so in your second message (as you state you only sent 2 in total) you ask her (your words, not mine) what turns her on. Her response is short and tends towards the non-sexual. She didn't ask any questions, or try to continue that particular thread of conversation. To be honest, from the female POV, it gets tedious being asked about your turn-ons. A lot of the time it's just HNGs looking for wank-fodder, so those of use who have been here for a while, and who are looking for a relationship rather than a quickie, tend to avoid those questions. Your intuition should maybe have told you that she wasn't comfortable with that particular topic and maybe you should have moved back to something more general and less sexual. quote: As I was reading her email, I got a phone call and answered it, turning off my computer. So, again from her POV, you ask her about her turn-ons, she sends a bland reply making it pretty clear she's uncomfortable with that line of questioning, and you don't reply. Being blunt here, OP, that's how the HNGs react. You don't give them what they want, they either disappear or send an offensive message back. Maybe she was mistaken, and you weren't just trying to crawl into her panties, but it's certainly not unreasonable to assume that you didn't get what you wanted and now you've ended the conversation. It happens a LOT, particularly to female subs. I've lost count of the number of times it's happened to me, and to be honest it gets bloody irritating after a while. I'm not saying that was your intent, but now that you know the situation, maybe this is something you'll think about when talking to your next prospective partner. quote: Today I go back to my computer to find 3 things. 1) About 45 minutes after I had turned off the computer she saw that I had read her last email and sent me another email, asking if her answer was "not good enough." 2) About thirty minutes after that she sent me a one word email "asshole" 3) And then blocked me. Again, this is standard HNG behaviour. Personally I would have waited a day or so to see if any reply was forthcoming, and I wouldn't have bothered wasting pixels on the insult, but I don't know how many HNGs she's had in her inbox recently and how pissed off she is at that point. quote: Note, she should have been able to see that the email in point 1) had not been read. Apparently she assumed I was ignoring her, but not blocking her. Again, she might have assumed you'd used the 'hover' facility to check the message and decided you couldn't be bothered to reply. Of course, if you were seriously interested in her you could have sent a message saying 'phone - brb'. Maybe that's what she's expecting...and she's disappointed because she thought she'd found a 'real prospect' who turned into 'every other HNG'. quote: A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left. So she messaged you to say hi. You messaged back to say hi. She responded to that, then you ask her what her turn-ons are. She replied in a way which made it clear she wasn't comfortable, then you signed off. Rude....dunno. Maybe. Presumptuous? Maybe. Thoughtless? Maybe. Would I have continued to converse with you? That would entirely depend on the message I'd have waited for the next day. quote: B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person? Rude...dunno. Maybe. Frustrated and angry? Most probably. Overreacted? maybe. I think the question is - did you both avoid people you wouldn't be compatible with? I would say yes. quote: C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise? I had to laugh at this bit. OP - read through what I said in response to the other bits, and then look at it from her POV. In her position would you have felt that the onus was on you alone to apologise? Did you apologise in your polite explanatory email for any confusion that you caused, and offer the hand of friendship? Or was it simply an explanation followed by a strong suggestion that she should apologise? The former I would have accepted. The latter I'd have just sighed deeply and blocked, before moving on. Try approaching prospective partners as women first, and subs second. Talk to them like you would talk to someone you would meet in a bar and were interested in. Remember that communication by message is not only about the words you write, but when you write them. I wish you luck.

porcelaine -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 12:48:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation. Greetings, If it is true that the dominant sets the tone, perhaps you were a little eager in your line of questions. You note that she didn't include any significant stimuli to continue the conversation. I'm going to assume you're referencing the physical sort. I believe that is corroborated by her retort about not being good enough. As I continue to read your remarks I get the oddest feelings that this wasn't a conversation - at least not along the lines most might consider. In all truth you sound as if you were playing around and you abruptly disappeared. Leaving her high and dry without an explanation. Do I condone her response? Not particularly. However, I'm willing to bet the outcome would have fared quite differently if you'd chosen another topic. Namaste, ~porcelaine

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 12:56:19 AM)
email is jsut that its not chat and i would never expect an instatn reply nice if it happens but 24 or 48 hours is ok. after that then i dont expect to hear but you never know what has happened. so would wait to make a judgment. she is supposed to be a sub she should know to wait.

BitaTruble -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 1:12:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 she is supposed to be a sub she should know to wait. Her orientation does not automatically mean she is supposed to do anything, including wait. She's not collared, owned or anything else to the OP.. just a woman with whom he shared two emails.. so she makes her own determinations. She didn't feel like waiting and that's all there is to it. No obligation that she do so at all.

leadership527 -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 2:16:53 AM)
Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person? Yes. C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) - Was this a wimpy thing to do? Yes - Should I have just blocked her? No - and the fact you are asking that raises several questions in my mind. - Should I have required her to apologise? No - see previous answer Was this sub 14 years old? Honestly, is this how adults in your neck of the wood act? And then you wanted to block her in return???? What is this, some sort of high school Facebook spat? Requiring her to apologize is simply ridiculous seeing as you had no respect in her eyes and therefor no authority. What did you think was going to come of "requiring her to apologize" other than her laughing at you?

gungadin09 -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 2:56:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit So I need to ask the subs out there: A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left. No, it was not rude, especially since You don't even know her, and the delay was short. B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person? You know the answers to these questions, right? Of course she was rude. If this was someone You were considering as a sub, You're lucky she showed her true colors so early. Saves You some time. C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise? If it were me, i would have explained my situation and told her i thought she was out of line for her answer. If i were unwilling to speak to her again unless she apologised, i would have said that. i'm mystified that, on the basis of a few short emails, You thought that the situation was worth salvaging. i'm even more mystified that You seem to think it's necessary to get some kind of affirmation of Your behavior. Do You think You were rude? Do You think she should have apologised? Do You think You should have blocked her? If so, then what does it matter what the rest of us think? Look, i hate to be nosy or speculate about Your motives, but i'm wondering if You've have this kind of problem before? Namely, do people frequently tell You You're an asshole, and You can't understand why? The situation You have described seems so clear cut that i wonder why You have any problem forming Your own opinions about it. Are You that tentative and insecure? Or is this story as some kind of smokescreen to hide the fact You know You really are an asshole? pam

gungadin09 -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 6:10:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gungadin09 i'm even more mystified that You seem to think it's necessary to get some kind of affirmation of Your behavior. Do You think You were rude? Do You think she should have apologised? Do You think You should have blocked her? If so, then what does it matter what the rest of us think? Okay, i take that back. There's nothing wrong with asking a simple question. There's nothing wrong with asking other people for feedback. Of course not. My bad. OP, i guess what i don't understand is why You seem so hung up on this. i can't tell if You're naturally very conscientious or just a bit insecure. pam

tazzygirl -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 6:32:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 email is jsut that its not chat and i would never expect an instatn reply nice if it happens but 24 or 48 hours is ok. after that then i dont expect to hear but you never know what has happened. so would wait to make a judgment. she is supposed to be a sub she should know to wait. She should... He should... Who wrote all these rules?!?!?!?!

LadyPact -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 6:33:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero I'm starting to get the feeling there may be at least a subtle gender bias in some of these responses (it could just be comparison to nebulous recollections of mine from similar instances where the genders were reversed...but I dunno). Speak up there, NZ. [8D] In My case, it has more to do with My own practices. If I can't respond to an email with the kind of dedication that I'd like to put to it, I'd rather send something short at the moment to say that I'll be sending a longer response later. I do the same if it's something that I want to contemplate before writing a reply. It's got more to do with Me wanting to be pleasant than thinking the other person will freak out.

DesFIP -> RE: Question about a rude sub. (2/19/2011 6:40:23 AM)
I don't feel any responsibility to send someone I've just talking to a note saying I will read the email later. It's email, not chat. Beyond that, the op was the one pushing her to talk sexually and when she wasn't explicit enough, he didn't pick up on her being uncomfortable, he just kept pushing. If I wrote one line generally describing my kink that doesn't mean I then have to write long and detailed fantasies. Was she rude to call him an asshole? Yes. Was she rude to decide she didn't want to talk to him anymore and block him? No. It's an email to someone you've exchanged perhaps three sentences with, it's no different then talking about the weather while waiting for the bus and then not sitting with the person you made the comment to. It's not a life commitment. Rudeness on both sides is my judgment.

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