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Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/26/2011 11:30:07 PM

Curious24

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

I promise to not turn this into another one of those sub males whining about having difficulty finding a Domme posts. But if I may request a moment of the Dommes' time in the collarme community.

Whenever I contact a Domme or Dominant Switch on here I am always polite, kind, and curteous in my E-mails and other exchanges. In my first exchange I always include a picture of myself since I dont't have one in my profile, I thank her for her time reading my E-mail, and let her know that Im glad to make her acquintance. In my initial E-mails I always introduce myself, talk a little bit about myself and interests/limits, and what I can do for her. Not to sound arrogant ... but I am educated and always communicate in complete sentences. My efforts, however, end in failure. I don't know if its a case of being "Mr Nice Guy".

Im not the type to result to insults, one liners and "cock shots" just to gain attention. Im just wondering if such behavior has become the "norm" on here that when someone different shows up they are right away dismissed.

Again any insight that can be provided would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/26/2011 11:37:45 PM

TotalDiscipline

Posts: 225
Joined: 5/5/2010
Status: offline

Time and patience...and please be your self.
Take time to filter the bad people out. IF a person doesn't respond to you messages, you propably don't fit together.
An interested person afther all would take time to read and reply.

_____________________________

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
Love is the law, love under will.

shorten your answers to the essence

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/26/2011 11:38:25 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Has it occurred to you that you haven't necessarily done anything wrong but at the same time, the women you are contacting just aren't interested in you? Without looking at your profile it could be based on your age, your looks, your kinks, or scores of other potential reasons.

What I will tell you is that most women on this site have experienced a lot of rude, nasty messages when telling people they aren't interested. Many don't reply to an email for that very reason. There are a number of past threads that discuss the topic and an over-abundance of women all say the same thing. Some of those threads are definitely worth reading.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 3

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/26/2011 11:42:35 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

When I see this written in an e-mail----> "interests/limits, and what I can do for her"
I dont reply. I'm interested in getting to know about a person,but not what
their limits are,in a first e-mail.
The other part about "what you can do for her" sounds like you know what that particular
Woman wants and thats impossible to know.

I suggest you try leaving out the limits etc and just make it short sweet and to the point.

Best of Luck

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 4

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 1:49:03 AM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Curious24
Whenever I contact a Domme or Dominant Switch on here I am always polite, kind, and curteous in my E-mails and other exchanges. In my first exchange I always include a picture of myself since I dont't have one in my profile, I thank her for her time reading my E-mail, and let her know that Im glad to make her acquintance. In my initial E-mails I always introduce myself, talk a little bit about myself and interests/limits, and what I can do for her. Not to sound arrogant ... but I am educated and always communicate in complete sentences. My efforts, however, end in failure. I don't know if its a case of being "Mr Nice Guy".

Your communicating like an educated person would earn you a little of my time, probably just enough for me to explain that when a stranger mails me out of the blue to talk about his sexual desires, it's an intrinsically creepy situation and if it's not handled just right, it can become very creepy indeed even if you don't mean it to be.

When I'm talking to someone on this site, I really want to either have a clearly defined, fair and honest professional transaction, OR I want to get to know someone as a person and a friend before we even start to talk about the possibility of scening. That basically means if you are not emailing me to discuss professional fitness training, you had better be doing so in a strictly vanilla, non sexual, non creepy, friendly way. Pull your dick out and we're done. Is there a chance we might get to know each other down the road and play as friends, after we've taken the time to actually develop a friendship? Sure, but if you jump the gun and make it clear that play is first on your agenda before getting to know me as a person, I will end the conversation and block you.

I don't have time for people who are neither honest clients nor willing to take the time to develop a real friendship that isn't contingent on their getting sex or play. They don't want a human relationship. What they want is a pro dom for free, an all you can eat drive through McDomme's buffet where you can get what you want and then drive off without giving anything in return. I am not the charity soup kitchen, so I block, delete and ignore those people.

So yeah, start talking to me about your likes and limits before we've made friends (or before we've consensually negotiated a client/trainer relationship) and you will not get a good response. Keep in mind that I'm in the "not seeking personal relationship; poly plate already full" category; this may be different for women who are seeking. But maybe not so much; I'd still recommend focusing on getting to know the human being before talking about your kinky and sexual wish list.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 5:13:20 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi, curious. Welcome to collarme.

One of the many things I like about collarme is the profile. If I want to check out someone, I'll go to his or her profile.

What you're doing, is sending a woman your profile information. I'd recommend just striking up a conversation with her based upon things on her profile or posts that you liked. If she's interested, she's always got the option of reading your profile to get to know you. (I'm assuming that all the info you send is contained in your profile except the pic. If it isn't, if should be.)

Otherwise, if the message is all about you, it will seem like a cut and paste message.

Note that you will still not get a high response rate because that's the nature of the game. I'm a Command seeking a sub woman so my numerical chance of success is better than yours, and I still have a low response rate.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 5:21:32 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You don't state if you're reading their profile before emailing. Be aware that if you write someone who is seeking only someone local and you aren't, or of a different age than you, she may well have her mail filters set to immediately send that message to junk mail.

Don't assume you're so special she won't care that you live 2,000 miles away. Beyond that, drop the sexual talk and do talk about vanilla things or pictures she has. If she has a dog, ask about it, talk about the difficulty you've had training yours. And so on, in exactly the same way you would talk if you met at a party or through friends. Do you really think the woman ahead of you in line at Starbucks who you've been chatting with is interested in seeing your penis or knowing what you like done to it if she isn't already in a relationship with you? Same here, the fact that women eventually may want to do things to it doesn't mean they don't want to know first if they like you as a friend.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 5:52:06 AM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Curious24
Whenever I contact a Domme or Dominant Switch on here I am always polite, kind, and curteous in my E-mails and other exchanges. In my first exchange I always include a picture of myself since I dont't have one in my profile, I thank her for her time reading my E-mail, and let her know that Im glad to make her acquintance. In my initial E-mails I always introduce myself, talk a little bit about myself and interests/limits, and what I can do for her. Not to sound arrogant ... but I am educated and always communicate in complete sentences. My efforts, however, end in failure. I don't know if its a case of being "Mr Nice Guy".

OP, the bolded part above is what would turn me off in an introductory email. This would scream "me-me-me" and make me wonder why you chose to write to me.

Honestly, after reading your profile, I believe your most recent journal entry sums up why you may be having less than stellar success. That entry gives me the impression that you're leading with your kink more than anything else and can't understand why others aren't doing the same.

I would suggest you find something that interests you about a woman's profile (hopefully something non-kinky and possibily mutual) and try discussing that in your initial email. Just because you're on a kink site doesn't mean that needs to be the only topic of conversation.

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 8:04:45 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I'm a Command seeking a sub woman

Should have been "I'm a Dominant man seeking a sub woman." Damn smartphone thinks it can Dom me and "correct" me.

Edited to add: I just looked at your profile. I suggest changing "I am a single professional submissive/bottom male" to "I am a single man". First off, you have no need to state that you're a sub because your profile does that. Second, you want to establish that you're a man before you establish that you're a sub. Third, the juxtaposition of "professional" with "submissive/bottom" creates an unfortunate erroneous impression that you are a sub that performs for money.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 2/27/2011 8:09:00 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 8:12:12 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I did a very quick look at your profile.. and I'll suggest a couple things about your approach that would put me off...

as others have said, your focus is on your sexual/kink etc needs -- many if not most of the folks around here are looking for more well rounded relationships...

you don't have any pictures

you can't play in public -- which means I'd make several assumptions about you -- you're attached or married -- or too shy -- or ot willing to be open and honest (that doesn't mean you wear a flag or banner, but to me that's important; it means you're ok with who you are and your sexuality)

I'm not looking, but if I were, those things would put me off right away... and many women, myself included, if you letter/email doesn't aknowledge that you in fact don't meet any or part of my criteria, I won't bother to respond...

there are lots of resources in the area that you live -- you could do something and meet like minded people every single weekend here and sometimes during the week as well ... if you can't do thinks publically, you're at a disadvantage

There are several threads here on profiles, how to approach a woman, and why email doesn't get answered.. you might search some of them for some more insight

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 10

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 8:15:41 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

I did a very quick look at your profile.. and I'll suggest a couple things about your approach that would put me off...

as others have said, your focus is on your sexual/kink etc needs -- many if not most of the folks around here are looking for more well rounded relationships...

you don't have any pictures

you can't play in public -- which means I'd make several assumptions about you -- you're attached or married -- or too shy -- or ot willing to be open and honest (that doesn't mean you wear a flag or banner, but to me that's important; it means you're ok with who you are and your sexuality)

I'm not looking, but if I were, those things would put me off right away... and many women, myself included, if you letter/email doesn't aknowledge that you in fact don't meet any or part of my criteria, I won't bother to respond...

there are lots of resources in the area that you live -- you could do something and meet like minded people every single weekend here and sometimes during the week as well ... if you can't do thinks publically, you're at a disadvantage

There are several threads here on profiles, how to approach a woman, and why email doesn't get answered.. you might search some of them for some more insight

Great minds think alike! I was just taking a look at the profile and felt the very same way. I don't think I could have said the entire comment better.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 11

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 10:13:51 AM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline

Could you post an actual email you've written that didn't get a response? That way we won't have to guess at what you might have said.

_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 11:05:55 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Have you read the CMail Help thread from the FAQ? There might be some suggestions in it that you've overlooked. I second the request to see a sample of your email. From the sounds of it, you will need to eliminate the interests/limits from the first message (save it for later) and possibly rework the "what I can do for you" section to be more tailored to the individual woman.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to strangedesire)

Post #: 13

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 9:10:49 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

OP, if you're spamming people: that's not polite. That's gonna get you an immediate block/delete/no response- from me and probably most other dommes here.

So, are you spamming???

Or, are you actually reading full profiles and addressing each particular person's profile content? If you send out messages that don't show you've read the profile, your recipient will likely assume you haven't. Then your message gets treated as spam, and deleted with out a response.

In short, whether you are actively spamming, or your messages just have the appearance of spam- you'll likely get the same result: block/delete/no response.

If you're not sure, please show us a typical first message so we can help you. All of us guessing at your problem isn't nearly as efficient as if we could actually see for ourselves, what is going on.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Curious24)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 9:22:46 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

you can't play in public -- which means I'd make several assumptions about you -- you're attached or married -- or too shy -- or ot willing to be open and honest (that doesn't mean you wear a flag or banner, but to me that's important; it means you're ok with who you are and your sexuality)

Not to derail, but why would the non interest to play in public be an indicator that someone is not open and honest or ok with one's sexuality?

I would never play in public and I am neither attached, married, shy, dishonest or not ok with who I am and I am damn sure about my sexuality.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 15

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/27/2011 10:23:34 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

you can't play in public -- which means I'd make several assumptions about you -- you're attached or married -- or too shy -- or ot willing to be open and honest (that doesn't mean you wear a flag or banner, but to me that's important; it means you're ok with who you are and your sexuality)

Not to derail, but why would the non interest to play in public be an indicator that someone is not open and honest or ok with one's sexuality?

I would never play in public and I am neither attached, married, shy, dishonest or not ok with who I am and I am damn sure about my sexuality.

Thank you, sexyred1.

Some people just have jobs that make public play unwise. And some people just like to keep their private lives very private. That doesn't mean they are shy, or any of the other quoted assumptions. Its just a preference.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 16

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/28/2011 2:09:44 AM

SexyBossyBBW

Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a
you can't play in public -- which means I'd make several assumptions about you -- you're attached or married -- or too shy -- or ot willing to be open and honest (that doesn't mean you wear a flag or banner, but to me that's important; it means you're ok with who you are and your sexuality)

Not to derail, but why would the non interest to play in public be an indicator that someone is not open and honest or ok with one's sexuality?

I would never play in public and I am neither attached, married, shy, dishonest or not ok with who I am and I am damn sure about my sexuality.

I agree with sexyred1 entirely, except that I am a bit shy (not in private). I have always considered my sexuality a private thing. At most, my other will address me as Ma'am in public. M

< Message edited by SexyBossyBBW -- 2/28/2011 2:10:22 AM >

_____________________________

"..touching was and still is and always will be the True Revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Only when there are many people who are pools of peace, silence, understanding, will war disappear." -Osho

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 17

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/28/2011 6:11:58 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I said they were assumptions, about him that I would make -- based on his profile.

They are based on my experience with straight submissive men. I won't make those assumptions about anyone else.

For me, being leather (or BDSM as folks say around here) isn't just about sexuality, just as being a lesbian isn't just about sex for me.

Again, for me... based on my experience... relating to the OP... not anyone else... its fairly simple..

Its my personal preference and doesn't need to be for anyone else.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 2/28/2011 6:29:44 AM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 18

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/28/2011 6:48:39 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Not to derail, but why would the non interest to play in public be an indicator that someone is not open and honest or ok with one's sexuality?

I would never play in public and I am neither attached, married, shy, dishonest or not ok with who I am and I am damn sure about my sexuality.

Madame4a already answered for herself, but I wanted to throw something out there as well.

Leather folks, which really is a culture within a culture of BDSM, do overwhelmingly have a characteristic that doesn't necessarily apply to the general BDSM populace. A lot of us have community involvement very high up on the list. In My view, it's not so much the play angle, it's the 'not in public' part that would automatically disqualify someone for Me. If someone is going to be a part of My life, they have to have the ability to be in the same places that I am. Can you just imagine Me being scheduled to present at some group or another and My sub not being able to attend with Me because they didn't want to be seen at a kink venue? For Me, that's a complete issue of incompatibility.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 19

RE: Seeking a little bit of guidance. - 2/28/2011 7:09:40 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Thanks.. you brought up an issue I hadn't thought about as its been awhile since I presented.. but you are so right! That person in my life needs to be a part of that.. not to mention, my demo bottom in many cases.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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