Helping partner top me

Helping partner top me (Full Version)

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BadassDorothy -> Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 11:58:23 AM)
Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom? Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him.

DarkSteven -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:02:45 PM)
My first thought is that you might want to attend local groups with him. Let him see others' techniques, and maybe attend some training sessions.

poise -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:03:35 PM)
Loving someone means you will accept them for who they are and what they are capable of. Perhaps be more submissive to him instead of finding fault in what he can't offer you?

sofldan -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:05:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom? Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him. You cant force someone to want to be dominate or to accept it. Its either something someone has inside them or they dont. If this is something new for you or him there are many great ways to educate himself about it. It may be fear that keeps him from doing it, it can be a myriad of reasons. But if he is truly interested start by education. Theres a book I was given when I started to educate myself called screw the roses send me the thorns. It may be a place to start. It in my opinion is he is either interested in being part of the lifestyle or he does it to please you when you ask. Good luck.

BadassDorothy -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:12:03 PM)
I in no way want to push him, on the contrary I want to not need to. He does seem genuinely interested at this point or I would have never asked. When I buy a toy he asks about it, and once in awhile he will get it out of my toy drawer. I think he likes doing it, he just doesn't seem to have the knowledge so I suppose book or page suggestions are what I'm looking for. I think he would be hesitant to go to a gathering of any sort at this time.

sofldan -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:13:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy I in no way want to push him, on the contrary I want to not need to. He does seem genuinely interested at this point or I would have never asked. When I buy a toy he asks about it, and once in awhile he will get it out of my toy drawer. I think he likes doing it, he just doesn't seem to have the knowledge so I suppose book or page suggestions are what I'm looking for. I think he would be hesitant to go to a gathering of any sort at this time. Try the book I suggested and it would be a start. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_34?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=screw+the+roses+send+me+the+thorns&sprefix=screw+the+roses+send+me+the+thorns Also a lot of great educational book on that page. *edit

LadyPact -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:17:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven My first thought is that you might want to attend local groups with him. Let him see others' techniques, and maybe attend some training sessions. If we're talking about topping here, I agree completely with the above. The 'lack of creativity' bit usually dissolves when people see other people using techniques. There are a lot of opportunities to learn that are just for the asking. (Most folks will feel it is a compliment.) At the same time, that doesn't necessarily mean that your boyfriend is ready to step into that role. Some folks go through a period of 'it sounds good' before they are ready to move onto 'this is fun to do'. Some tops/Doms have a process where they have to accept that they can enjoy these things. They may have to change their line of thinking a bit before they are actually ready to be sadistic with someone that the care about. As for topping him, I'm not especially surprised that he's not willing to take the bottom/sub role. Not everybody has an interest in switching. Stick with what he is wanting to do with you and don't push him into the things he doesn't.

sexyred1 -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:23:00 PM)
OP, I know that my respected posters above me have suggested going to public events for demonstrations and that is cool if you like the public scene. Since you mentioned he is hesitant to go to these events, that is not an option for you and him. Also, books. They are conceptually a good thing, if someone wants to read them. I disagree with your statement that you don't feel like he is control if you are directing him. Everyone has to learn with someone. I have never been with a Dom who learned from watching others in public or reading a book. In fact, the most satisfying topping situation was with someone who I taught from scratch. I can assure you I did not feel I was in control after he got the hang of it, despite me offering suggestions. Don't take the roles so seriously that you miss the exploration together that you could be doing together.

LadyPact -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:30:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Since you mentioned he is hesitant to go to these events, that is not an option for you and him. I missed that being mentioned. Is there more information on another thread somewhere?

NihilusZero -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:31:57 PM)
It seems (as others have suggested), what you're actually talking about is topping; in which case, he just needs to make an effort to learn certain skill sets to do specific things. Since you seem to functioning on an otherwise equal ("vanilla") authority relationship, take the traditional reciprocal approach: he'll need to give this a whirl, with genuine motivation, because it's something that would make you happy. In return, ask him about something that he would like that you would initially be disinterested in, and put forth the same energy towards it you expect to get in return. Ideally, the desire you each have to try and make the other happy should help fuel these endeavors.

FukinTroll -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:33:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. Overall, your post really strikes me as a guy using a sock puppet, but I am going to overlook that and move on. quote: I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. Good at topping or just doesn't have the whole D thang? Seems like he has the whole sadist thang down... a bit beyond your masochist thang. quote: He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom? What a head scratcher... I think both of you really need to step back and reevaluate your whole dynamic... more importantly you need to understand yourselves before you even try to figure out each other. Reading this is like watching fleas on crack trying to figure out what dog they are going to bite. quote: Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him. Okay, go get some vocabulary and both of you discuss the new vocabulary. lemme give you some key words to use on the search filter, then you can book mark them and both of you can sit down and read them together and try to understand the little monsters inside you. Attaching the label Domme to yourself or Dom to him seems sooooooo far from the mark. Do some reading and see what resonates with you... there is no wrong way for you to get your freak on, it just may be different for someone else. Top Bottom Dom Domme Sadist Masochist 24/7 TPE Dom/Domme relationships By all means fellow CM'ers add to the vocabulary list. Today's episode of Spank-a-me Street was brought to you by the letter F.

sexyred1 -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:37:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Since you mentioned he is hesitant to go to these events, that is not an option for you and him. I missed that being mentioned. Is there more information on another thread somewhere? Hi LadyPact, yes her post #5 states that he is hestitant to go to events at this time.

LadyPact -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:46:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Hi LadyPact, yes her post #5 states that he is hestitant to go to events at this time. See, I missed that. I was typing a response at that time. LOL. ETA..... In that case, you can try books, videos, communication sites, etc. Topping is generally something that is easiest to teach hands on, but there can be some education on the matter.

BadassDorothy -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 12:56:14 PM)
Yes perhaps your right I am more interested in a top than a Dom. Thanks for all constructive responses.

Madame4a -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 1:23:08 PM)
You might want to try Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt's book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" ... he might get something from it. And while you've said he doesn't want to go to public things, its really a good place to learn from others.

stellauk -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 2:13:46 PM)
You can also make friends with people who are into these things, and you needn't attend events to find them. If anything I'd say it's your friends and the people you know who are the best resource and source of inspiration you can find. You could do exactly what you've just done, and come to a message board. You could both be here often. As long as you or both of you keep coming I'm sure you will find inspiration here.

ImaginativeWhims -> RE: Helping partner top me (2/28/2011 3:54:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll Today's episode of Spank-a-me Street was brought to you by the letter F. ... and the number 4. But to address the initial concern here: HEY!!!! I WAS THAT GUY ONCE!!! Felt a little embarrassed about talking to others about it, but this wonderful wonderful book I found at a local bookstore called, "The New Topping Book" got the gears whirring. Now, if he's not wanting to look into it seriously then there's nothing you can do, just hump his brains out with the occasional slap and tickle and enjoy what you do have... just make sure your girlfriend is a rowdy bitch that keeps your ass bruised and brain satisfied. Should be good. Yes.

kalikshama -> RE: Helping partner top me (3/1/2011 7:31:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven My first thought is that you might want to attend local groups with him. Let him see others' techniques, and maybe attend some training sessions. This is how my (now ex) husband and I learned. He was more of a Top than a Dom. Sure, I was uncomfortable the first time we went to a much, but we had each other and the people were very nice and welcoming. I also bought several of the books mentioned above.

SailingBum -> RE: Helping partner top me (3/1/2011 11:01:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom? Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him. Walks away scratching my balls....muttering to myself "perhaps English is not her first language" and she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone she hardly knows. ROCK ON BadOne

sweetsub1957 -> RE: Helping partner top me (3/1/2011 5:55:40 PM)
There are also the two books "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book."

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