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RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/5/2011 7:10:09 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

1. I have found that the problems people have with other dating sights are magnified on collarme. There are more serious men looking than serious women looking (unless you count the pro's who are always serious), the men go after the hotties and the women go after the tall men, many men lie and the women discount the honest men (thinking that they are poor liars), men send out blind emails to all the women while women ignore many emails simply because they get too many.

2. I generally find that the books tend to be written by people that are successful because of who they are, not what they did. I would not buy a book about picking up women from say Tiger Woods. Now, if Danny Devito had written such a book BEFORE he became rich and famous, that I would buy. Because while Tiger Woods may get a lot of tail, he has zero skills when it comes to picking up women - his height, fame and money do all the work for him, he just shows up and they hit on him. MADTV had a nice little skit once titled "How to get Free Sex" and they show a pretty woman picking a phone number at random.

So, instead of us telling you what we had to overcome, why don't you tell us what YOU had to overcome. Frankly, you are young, tall, and assuming you have some muscle, at 180 lbs, in good shape. You sound a bit too much like Tiger Woods to me.

P.S. Collarme IS a dating site. Fetlife is an example of a kinky site that is not a dating site. You can tell because: a. Collarme does not have forums (look at the url, we are talking on collarCHAT.com, a related site not built into collarme and b. collarme has extensive and well thought out search capability, including geography, age, picture, weight, height, and interest filters.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 21

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/7/2011 6:51:19 AM

Durentu

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/18/2004
Status: offline

One of the many problems I find, is that people are trying to fulfill a fantasy from reality. And to my knowledge, rarely works out. The root of the problem is that people come in with a pre-made fantasy. They have a lot of the details in mind and the only missing component is the partner. There are also mixed expectations and lots of misguided people looking for things, perhaps in a wrong way. How does one fill a cup that is already full? If the girl wants to be O, then I'm not interested. If the girl wants to experience M/s as rendered by me, then I'm interested.

The trouble with this is that I'm always fighting a ghost, a fantasy that I can never fulfill. And if I try to make her understand what is real and what is not, they start to doubt things, which can be advantageous, but spread the doubt to 'everything' and thus retreat.

Also, profiles are a marketing tool. It just doesn't describe someone in the way that we'd to know. Why? because profiles are static, and we are interested in the way people react. The dynamics (or chemistry) of a person cannot be contained in a static medium. Also, many people have trouble describing themselves because the description of ourselves never comes from the self, they are labels and descriptions that can only come from others. How does one know if they are a nymphomaniac until someone calls them by that label? (btw, funny definition by Dr Kinsey - A nymphomaniac is someone who has sex more than you do)

In summary, there are 2 problems with online bdsm from my view. First is that we fool ourselves thinking that we can predict the dynamics of a person through static means, such as profiles. Second, people don't come into this openly because, they all come into it with a preconceived notion of what things are and what they are not.

Again, these are my personal perspectives and observations. Hope it helps.

(in reply to FindKink)

Post #: 22

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/7/2011 7:03:18 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

In most cases my location and that I'm a Dominant (male version) married to a Dominant (female version) in an open marriage and in a Poly Home. Seeing as how it appears that the majority of girls/ladies want a potential partner for a Dominant it sort of puts the kibosh on my looking.. Have to invest in a cloning program..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Durentu)

Post #: 23

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/8/2011 2:09:09 AM

FindKink

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/24/2011
Status: offline

Thanks, everyone! Lots of helpful responses and suggestions there.

Much appreciated!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 24

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/10/2011 11:33:29 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm going to pull My quote (and the quote I was referring to) from this thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3582077/tm.htm

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

~FR~

Even it were "just" a dating site, I really don't understand what's so hard about finding a partner. In the time I've been on CM, I've found at least three, including my girl, and I've made several friends on top of that.  Am I a drop-dead goreous model? No.

Do I live in a major city like Los Angeles or NYC with hundreds of potential partners?  No.

Am I a Pro with paying clients?  Hell no.

I'm a middle-aged, married mom. I'm not single, unencumbered by major responsibilities, or in the oh-so-desirable 18-35 age bracket. So how is it that I've managed to find at least three people to play with on this site alone? I think the answer comes down to what I call the Three P's: Presentation, Politeness, and Patience. Apparently, the Grims don't understand let alone have mastery of the basics.

I can't help but to quote this as it is so much how I feel on the matter. OK. Maybe in My case I don't see Myself so much in alliance with the three P's in regard to My posting style, but the rest of it is so on target that it's impossible to ignore.

I've never looked at CM as a dating site. I don't really use it that way. Yet, I've managed to meet people through it. Like the above, I don't feel as though I'm prime target at all. I should be so far down on the list that it's scary.

This is why I can't really identify with folks who come over to the forums side to rant about how hard it is to find people to connect with. I literally just don't get it. I think it's possible that it might be exactly as Steven points out. They are so focused on that particular aspect that the pressure that they create for themselves just makes matters worse. Of course, when that happens, it's always everyone else's fault (pros, etc) and can't possibly be the way they are going about it.

(It's a bit early yet, so I'm not sure if that last line is written in a way that the sarcasm comes through appropriately.)

In short, I've never understood the supposed 'obstacles' that folks feel they encounter on sites like this. I've had people fly across the country to meet Me, go to their first munch to meet Me, and other types of examples. I am no where near alone in these things. This is the only area of BDSM where I will say this. If you can't meet people, you are doing it wrong.

Gender gap. Women don't have a problem finding dates. Men do. (Well, women don't have a problem other than sifting through the deluge of mail, or for some, dealing with their ever-restricting set of permissible advances.)

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/10/2011 11:39:29 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

For me, I have no intent to travel more than an easy drive; long distance relationships are for the birds. They cannot weigh more than me, and I'm not interested in older women. Thus, the list of women who show up on my search results is tiny. Used to be less than a single page, mostly including those who hadn't checked their profile in over a year, and those who were clearly foreign spam artists.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 26

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 12:24:32 AM

BlackTigerDragon

Posts: 180
Joined: 4/1/2010
Status: offline

FR

The one thing that stops me from looking for a slave online is the fact that I am not looking for a slave online.

< Message edited by BlackTigerDragon -- 3/11/2011 12:25:04 AM >

(in reply to FindKink)

Post #: 27

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 4:09:23 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I always look on line in a local search area using things like CM, Alt and Adult friend Finder. (Why can they not understand i seek within a 100 km area from me so I get matched with girls from Sydney, Nth Qld like Cairns etc, members in the US or UK or even Europe. The search specifically states AUSTRALIA, QUEENSLAND and my town.. how can UK, USA and Europe be classed as Australia???? Mind you I have oft spoken ti folks in the US on line who thought Australia was either Austria or a town in Texas.. Bloody hell.. I can fit Texas into Queensland or Western Australia and still in both cases have plenty left over to take in NY and surrounds.. the rare people I get locally to talk to on line freak out because of my use of the English language and not the common slang using many F words .. Or I pointedly refuse to use txt talk.. have been told they want to talk to real Aussies and not some arse with a dictionary rammed up his Khyber.. Suits me, there is obviously no manner of compatibility...

I'm at a point where I am wondering if the searching is worth the effort and disappointment...

< Message edited by IronBear -- 3/11/2011 4:12:44 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to BlackTigerDragon)

Post #: 28

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 5:03:18 AM

salemartist

Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline

A book about finding a slave online? what will be the title of said book?
how about:

Slaveless in Seattle

Nice to meet you, may I flog you?

lifestyles of an online slut

the young and the slaveless

click, click, click, I own you bitch

can you type while on your knees?

single online slaves - the internet unicorn

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 29

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 5:20:56 AM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm lost. The focus is way too narrow. Why exclude femdom relationships, why exclude gay and bi folks, why exclude poly, why focus on slaves only and not submissives (I'm taking you at your word that you've got experience and thus knee the difference between them), and why restrict the scope to online only? You're deliberately reducing your target audience.

What do you mean by 'problems'? The biggest problems I find is that a prospective isn't suited for me, or me for her. Or that she lives far away.

indeed...

*takes the world map...the ones you get in planes when you fly over that pond"
*cuts out all that water and country parts between the UK and colorado*
*chews on a haribo colorado bear*
*puts the map back together with some tape*

now, fixed, colorado is the village right next to mine over here

welcome neighbour Steven

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 30

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 5:59:38 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Problems?
What problems? This site has been the best thing for my sex life since raw oysters and Spanish Fly. Hell, it's even better than roofies!

Sorry, others may have had issues here, but Kana's experience with CM has been hugely positive. I should write ads for the joint. I've met amazing women, made some great friends, learned a lot, had some chucks, and of course, this is where I hooked up with the lilone so I gots nothing bad at all to say.
Course, I'm handsome, charming, confident, literate, educated, alpha and real...so that might skew the curve a bit...and did I mention how humble I am....
:-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 31

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 12:30:37 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Sorry, others may have had issues here, but Kana's experience with CM has been hugely positive.

That has a lot to do with your attitude and unwillingness to emulate the crying game. Whining is probably my number one turn off. And so many do it in their profiles or introductory messages it's pretty sad. Or there's the common barb suggesting an absence of intelligence. I'm not surprised at the lack of success.

And yes you're arrogant.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 32

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/11/2011 1:16:11 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: FindKink

I've had quite a bit of success with them, but I know a lot of people get very frustrated.

Greetings,

They're frustrated because they readily assume that membership equals relationship/plaything/fill-in-the-blank. Although I don't utilize the sites for that purpose, I've encountered more women that possessed potential than the gender I'm interested in. If I were a lesbian I'd have it made.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

LOL I agree, I always wish I was gay, so many great women here, but alas, I am straight.

It boils down to chemistry and compatibility but more so, actually wanting to form relationships and work at them. There is no secret list of ingredients or ways of approaching finding a partner that replace good old fashioned, meeting, being open to possibilities and actions in place of just words.

I also want to reply to some of the comments here about more serious men seeking than serious women. Where do you get these statistics? I know alot of serious women seeking.

Also, I am sick of men whining about how women only want tall men. First of all, not everyone does, I happen to like shorter guys, second, preferences are allowable, hello?

And I do think CM is a dating site, what is the issue with that?

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 3/11/2011 1:24:21 PM >

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 33

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/12/2011 7:15:46 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
And I do think CM is a dating site, what is the issue with that?

Seconded. I originally got on CM to meet slutty chicks who like to get hard fucked.(and maybe beaten a bit, or more, before, during and after)
:-)
Cripes. What's so wrong with that?
CollarMe let me cut through all the song and dance involved in feeling out (hehehehe-Freudian slip, I'm sure) potential dates/women to see if they were kinky. This way, both parties knew we were freaky out of the gate, then we could get down to the serious serious bidness of seeing if we could interact together in the other ways that make a relationship work, you know, vanilla shit, shopping, cleaning, personalities, etc...

< Message edited by Kana -- 3/12/2011 7:17:00 AM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 34

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/12/2011 8:29:41 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

There is no secret list of ingredients or ways of approaching finding a partner that replace good old fashioned, meeting, being open to possibilities and actions in place of just words.

I dwell in possibilities. There are certain people that will always find the wrinkle in anything you set before them. Their mindset isn't realistic, but merely steeped in negative thought. Situations are personalized and internalized to the degree where they become quasi victims.

quote:

Also, I am sick of men whining about how women only want tall men. First of all, not everyone does, I happen to like shorter guys, second, preferences are allowable, hello?

I love tall men. Why should I apologize for that? We're not a new colony of species. So it's probable that person encountered other women that liked tall men as well. Was that supposed to magically disappear with kink? Of course, that's part of the problem. Kink doesn't eliminate preferences. People maintain them in the midst of kink. That's just another layer added to the pile that they can use to scrutinize a prospect.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 35

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/12/2011 8:59:38 AM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

No issue really. Just takes patients and a staunch refusal to settle. I have seen many women who fit in with what I need, but they are at a point in their lives that I am not good for them... i.e. getting their lives together and on track. As much as I would like to find the perfect partners for me, I have to be mindful that all of us are in the right moments in our lives where those lives can grow together and not have one life overshadow or suppress the other.

YMMV

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to FindKink)

Post #: 36

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/12/2011 10:38:02 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
Gender gap. Women don't have a problem finding dates. Men do. (Well, women don't have a problem other than sifting through the deluge of mail, or for some, dealing with their ever-restricting set of permissible advances.)

I'm not above copping to this. I'm the first to tell you that women on either side of the kneel have more opportunities than men, especially from the online perspective. I can promise you that it works the same way in the BDSM community as well. I'm married to another top and don't think that I don't know how it can be different between the genders.

Still, there is more to it than *just* being female. You'd have to completely discount every other thing aside from gender to say that is the only reason. While there are a lot of things that would discount Me from being good relationship material for some folks (age, marital status, location, etc) some things are just plain in My corner that are what people are looking for.

Plus, I don't see online as the end all, be all. I see it as a tool. It's a way to make connections, not be the connection. That part about going out the front door still comes into play.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 37

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/12/2011 11:35:21 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
Gender gap. Women don't have a problem finding dates. Men do. (Well, women don't have a problem other than sifting through the deluge of mail, or for some, dealing with their ever-restricting set of permissible advances.)

I'm not above copping to this. I'm the first to tell you that women on either side of the kneel have more opportunities than men, especially from the online perspective. I can promise you that it works the same way in the BDSM community as well. I'm married to another top and don't think that I don't know how it can be different between the genders.

Still, there is more to it than *just* being female. You'd have to completely discount every other thing aside from gender to say that is the only reason. While there are a lot of things that would discount Me from being good relationship material for some folks (age, marital status, location, etc) some things are just plain in My corner that are what people are looking for.

Plus, I don't see online as the end all, be all. I see it as a tool. It's a way to make connections, not be the connection. That part about going out the front door still comes into play.

True, true, and true. I'd only add that if you don't ignore the vast amount of women who aren't 'in the scene', but turn out to be plenty kinky when they find out you've got rope, floggers and magic wands in your closet, then there is no gap at all. Online, though, is a beast that is still even now trying to figure out what that thing is that's in the mirror looking back at it.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 38

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/13/2011 5:31:32 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

True, true, and true. I'd only add that if you don't ignore the vast amount of women who aren't 'in the scene', but turn out to be plenty kinky when they find out you've got rope, floggers and magic wands in your closet, then there is no gap at all. Online, though, is a beast that is still even now trying to figure out what that thing is that's in the mirror looking back at it.

have to agree wholeheartedly here. Based on personal experiences, I'm finding there are "nicer" women out of the hard core local
"public scene" which seems filled with hard faced, strident haggs with poison tongues and tendencies to back stab on rumor alone..

Even some of the "newbys' are more open to careful training and safety first play.. There are a few, a very few who seem to be born pain sluts which is good and there are a similar number who are natural sluts/whores waiting to be bonded via a collar..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 39

RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 4/2/2011 4:36:18 PM

RASIS

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/14/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I had the same problems here as any other online dating site and in real life....chemistry and compatibility.

A bdsm online website didn't make that change at all.

That's my problem exactly, or as we call it at work: too damn picky syndrome.

I realize I'm new here, but I find the whole concept about a book on online bdsm dating a little infeasible, both because of scope and of actual material to write about. I can't help but wonder what the actual end product the OP is shooting for.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 40

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