|
susannah -> RE: Developing Non-Judgemental Attitudes (10/21/2004 3:35:09 PM)
|
**I remember learning a lot from actually watching how one (or both) of my parents actually acted toward other people in situations with other people, where I thought they acted "above and beyond" what some people might consider the "norm", or the "call of duty."
**I love that movie "To Kill A Mockingbird" - it's my favorite, and I think the main character in it, Atticus Finch, is a great example of social courage in a general sense. And I think what it has to say can "carry over" to a lot of other examples, too.
**For instance: One of my parents' friends "came out of the closet" during this meeting of a some social or book club they belonged to in 1983, I remember. Some of the other couples in this group shunned this guy (he had been their friend for years, btw. This kind of thing makes me nuts)! My parents always liked this person, and they stayed good friends with him and they kept going out for dinner all the time with eachother after that. This club was full of pretty conservative, "traditional" folk, and they are notparticularly "rebellious liberals" (they just acted like human beings). I was so proud of my parents for that.
**Then one time, in 1969 I remember, the woman next door neighbor wanted to stop a black couple from buying the house on the block we lived on, and was passing around this petition in the neghborhood, and my father was the only person who simply would Not sign it (my mother wasn't home at the time, but she would not have, either, I just know it). This woman with the petition's husband was a minister (but what's new...). I was so imprssed with my father, it really stuck with me.
**Then I remember my mom was working in a nursing home, around 1980, and there was this 13 year old boy who was living there (in an old folks home). He was paralyzed from the neck down - his name was Christopher. This kid had been in five different foster homes, and in every single one of them, the foster "parents" had physicially abused him (pretty badly) and their excuse was that he was "hard to care for" (well, he was as quiet as a church mouse, and thanks to them, as meek as one, too). Maybe he required some care. These foster parents volunteered for the job and got paid for it, too. They just wanted the monthly check for "caring" for him. They ran out of patience, and I guess when it became too much trouble to change a bed pan - they burned him with cigarettes on his arms, his back and one of his beloved foster "dads" tried to break the bones in his legs. Nebraska child welfare finally decided (they can be a bit "slow on the uptake, don't get me started). Anyway, after two years of being tossed around like a football, I guess they finally decided that the safest place for Chrisopher was the nursing home where my mom happened to be working (and it was safer. And she was working there. She was a very determined woman. Mere coincidence? Hmmm. I like to think not.
The only thing Christopher wanted in the entire world, in his 13-year old life, while surrounded by 80-year olds in the nursing hime (and nobody his own age), was to be a Boy Scout. He was so bored laying there, strapped to his wheel-chair, with nothing (nothing) to do. Not his choice - other people had "things to do" I guess.
My mother made some phone calls to a few, but not many Boy Scout troop leaders wanted to hold scout meetings at the nursing home, or drive there to pick him up and take him to ther meetings (even if they were "polite" about declining). My mother would not stop looking for one. She was a very determined woman. She called over 40 Boy Scout troop leaders - finally, she talked one into having their troop meetings at the nrusing home, so Christopher could be a Boy Scout (I am sure those scouts learned something from that. They were very nice to and enjoyed Christopher, and Christopher finally had not only something to do besides stare at the wall in that decrepit nursing home, but mostly, he found out someone really did give a damn about him.
**Then I remember this one time when I was five, (it was 1963) my mother took me shopping with her, and I sat down at the shop's lunch counter to have ice cream (she was about 5 feet away, looking for fabric, but she could watch me from there). The lunch counter was segregated, but I didn't know it because I couldn't read yet. The waitress kept saying "you can't sit in this section" (it was the section for blacks). I thought she just didn't like children, and she would not wait on me, because I was in the "wrong section" - even though it was the only empty seat. My mother looked up and figured out what was happening, walked over really fast, said really loud "We're leaving, this is just ridiculous!" and on the way to the car I asked her what was wrong. She just said ranted about how some people, even in 1963, were still pretty ignorant, and she was not going to eat in a place that still seperated black people from white people, because it was wrong. I was only 5 but - those are the things I remember about my parents the most, more than ANYthing else, and it's forty years later.
**I was just so impressed with them when I think about it, I could burst. I watched what they did. They knew how to treat other people in sometimes "trying" circumstances. That really stuck with me.***Those are the things I remember the most.
I don't have children of my own, and even though my sisters and I grew up in the same house, with the same parents, we have very different views on what's "tolerable" as far as "lifestyles". I think this because I think some sexually alternative "life-styles" might be genetically determined at birth, and attaching the idea something is "evil" or wrong to it is way off base. I am not referring here of course, to pedophiles, or other criminals. (and I do believe in the concept of "evil," and I believe it exists). My sister (one of them) is an attorney and is (I think) kind of jaded with clients not taking responsibility for their own messes (I'm sure it gets frustrating). She can be a lot of fun, I love her, and she's my sister, but I can't really remember ever being much like that (really pre-judgmental). We've been different since we were small kids that way. And actually, in her profession, it maybe helps her win cases to act absolutely "certain" about some things (but I still don't think the sexuality area is one of those things, because of course she doesn't "know", she's just opinionated, but she really really thinks she "knows"). Okay (but it can be tiring). And, if we "debate" about her views, I find sometimes they are apropos of nothing. We have been around that block (the tolerance vs. pre-judging some people with "alternative life-styles" without knowing them block) so often I now avoid it like the plague (and we also can't have fun together if we're on topics we adamantly disagree about). We've never discussed D/s or bdsm; there's no reason for me to discuss it with her (it's not a topic that would probably come up between us).
I have no idea where this difference in our attitudes came from (although when I think about it, I realized my sister is a LOT like my mother. I'm a lot more like my dad, even though I'm a girl, and he's more tolerant).
I think people make their own life-style choices, but I think maybe they are pre-disposed in a particular direction due to biology. And I think that unless they are a budding serial killer, or a pedophile, or doing otherwise illegal activities like drug-trafficking, that it's unkind to make judgmental comments about people who some might view as "different" (pick any category here). Not only that, I don't think it pays off much of the time if one is trying to change their viewpoint. I'd try to help someone of they had an alcohol abuse problem, too, by introducing them to 12-step meetings, and/or a rehab center (I have).
I think my sister (sort of "unconciously, maybe) attaches moral implications to behavior I think has no moral implications. I always know if I want to get her going in debate mode, I can say something like: "I say we legalize gay marriage this year! I can't believe it's even an issue, it's ridiculous". She knows what I think - and I know what she thinks, and her views are probably not going to change (she's entitled to her opinion. Me trying to change any is clearly a "no go". Sorry - maybe this did turn into a "rant").
But - I am glad that I still manage to pull my nephew (her son) aside if I see these kinds of opinions bandied about a lot at some family dinner, to mention to him that adults sometimes have opinions they haven't thought through, too - and not to believe everything he hears. I maybe shouldn't do that (he's not my son), but I think some of the things he hears from adults are _ullshi_. My sister knows what and when I tell him, and she's usually okay with it (she can be moody, though, if she's in a bad mood, watch out).
I think it's wrong to expose a child to any behavior or print or video material that has a sexual connotation (just like I wouldn't want to have had to watch my parents having "vanilla sex", at, say, age 8 or 10, or heck any age). Especially a child under 12. I know they'll see some on tv, etc. anyway, I mean introducing them to it. I have no formal background in child psych, but that's the "magic number" they gave us where I volunteer w/abused kids for even attempting to answer any question they might have about "the birds and the bees" (which we then refer to a paid staff counselor anyway). I know I started asking questions at about age 8 about sex, so it varies by child (and 12 is probably way too old, but those are the "rules" where I volunteer). I remember my mom giving my sisters and I a book to read explaining some "facts of life" when we were about 8, and later, in Jr. high, she gave us the book, Dr. Theodore Rubin's book "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afriad To Ask", which we all read (she seemed embarrassed to give us the book, but to her credit did it anyway. My dad didn't want to talk about it, it was considered "her area", and since we're females and so is she, that makes sense to me. I have no brothers).
If a child I knew asked a question about D/s or bdsm, I suppose I'd try to make sure I knew why they were asking - I'd want to make sure nobody was sexually harassing them, which I'd do, too, if they brought up a sexual topic in general. Sometimes I guess there's a deeper reason for the questions, and sometimes they're just curious. But if they were under 10, I doubt I'd say anything other than a general statement like: "Some people enjoy that kind of activity", and make sure to mention that responsible people are SSC. If they pressed for more info, or if they were older (like Junior high) and had any kind of sexual topic question, (including bdsm or D/s related), I guess I'd send them to the library or have 'em research it on the internet, and maybe ask them to let you know what they learned, (but if on a computer and they were researching a sex topic in particular, I'd make sure I knew who they were talking to).
I don't have kids living with me, so I don't have much day-to-day experience here, but if a child over about 10 (or maybe a bit younger, I think it depends on the child) asked me, I think I'd just say something general, like: "Some people like these things" (which they are going to find out anyway, probably, somewhere along the line - in movies or books. I could be wrong, but I guess it depends on the child and how inquisitive they are. I guess I'd answer any question, but I'd make the answer as "age approporiate" as I could -I'd probably keep my answer short and sweet.
With little kids, (8 or younger? I think there is is not much wrong with saying "that's private" (between oneself and one's partner). No offense to anyone who believes otherwise is intended (and I hope none is taken).
I guess if bdsm or D/s became a topic of conversation with myself and a kid over 10 or 12, I would really really emphasize that anyone responsible who participates in this kind of activity also believes in and practices SSC and/or RACK. I would answer any question, but no way would I ever introduce any kid under 18 to any alternative (or "regular") sexual or bdsm activity - it would just never happen. I guess I've usually ended up opting for general statements that emphasize tolerance for people some construe as "different", and that's "just me".
I got into a "debate" with my sister a few years ago when one afternoon her son (who was 7 at the time) started coming home from school saying "that's so gay" (slang, but pretty derogatory slang). I mentioned to my nephew that people are born the way they are, and treating people as one wants to be treated includes everyone, including people who are gay.
My sister got irritated because "he's only seven" and she thought we shouldn't be discussing the topic. He brought it up, but he is her child, not mine. On the other hand, he's pretty sharp for a seven year old, and I thought he could handle hearing what I said. I also suspected (I knew) that my sister had a bit of what I considered ignorant predjudice going on. So - we had a (futile) "debate". I said people are born what they are, and (I think) it's mostly genetic, and what difference does it make to her personally anyway, etc.? I said something about intolerant attitudes breeding another generation of ignorance, and then apologized because I just wanted it to stop because she hasn't changed her views in her entire life and it just seemed like such a waste of time, and I didn't want the afternoon to be ruined. You can lead a horse to water...
- susannah
|
|
|
|
