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Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/5/2011 8:43:03 AM

Aneirin

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From: Tamaris
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Learning difficulties are very common, and I would say the vast majority of people have them, but some are more apparent than others and here online, they become for those who can see, plain to see.

So those that can see a difficulty in others as they interact online, how do they interact with those that in their observation and oppinion have a difficulty, do you make allowances for the perceived difficulty, or do you treat what they say as just like everyone else ?

Recently in interaction with another online, I saw markers, traits of a learning difficulty I know very well and so backed down from my usual stance somewhat, a form of dishonesty, but I knew full well to pursue with my usual vigour, it would be fruitless as it is clear the communication would not work. Now although the person irritated me somewhat, I cannot feel anything other than pity for them, for to me it occurs they may be blundering through life wondering why others do not see their point of view. Perhaps they come online to seek communication where it does not matter whether they are understood, but they can get their point across without the face to face worry of non acceptance in the real world, perhaps many with difficulties or not do that, but a question;

If a person one can see has an obvious problem, would information relating to that perception be of help or hindrance to the other, would you try to help the person, or just leave them to their own devices and in some cases self destruct online?

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/5/2011 12:43:02 PM

DesFIP

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I have trouble nowadays telling the difference between a poster with a learning disability and one who is posting on their phone.

I do think it is helpful if someone has a diagnosable condition that affects communication, to put it in a signature line so others will understand.

I have been known to suggest someone get evaluated for a specific condition, especially if they've complained about being diagnosed with a similar one but have not been able to get any relief. I see no reason not to mention it, in exactly the same way we encourage people to go see a doctor.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/5/2011 5:12:44 PM

Aneirin

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I thank you for your reply, it shows the world is not full of 'me first, I don't care about others', as web forums leave us to believe.There are some people who care about others left and I see you as a caring another.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/5/2011 5:21:13 PM

LadyPact

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I'm going to be very blunt about this. Here is how I see it.

I'm honestly not all that concerned about learning disabilities, language barriers, etc that I encounter on line. If it's not somebody that I'm interacting with in the real world (or the potential for that doesn't exist) it's really not going to rock My world to get all involved in whatever their issue is about. A random screen name online just doesn't have enough of My vested interest.

People that I know, whole different ballgame. Most folks who know Me will tell you that I'll do darn near anything for you if I care about you. In fact, I'm more likely to put My time, energy, and patience into people that I care about than somebody who just happens to be inhabiting the same planet as Me. I absolutely do prioritize.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/5/2011 5:47:57 PM

Aneirin

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But as a question, and I have often wondered this, those that one communicates online with, does one care about them ,beyond their screen name or are they just a screen name what happens beneath that screen name is of no interest ?

As I said in my original post, many come online to say what they wish to say without being told they are wrong by some other all the time, so if one is seeing a particular destructive trait, is it not the duty of those the person interacts with to say,''hold on a minute something is wrong here'', and there make a suggestion if it is valid ?

Do we look out for others as we do off line ?

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 3/5/2011 5:48:54 PM >

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/5/2011 6:13:14 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

But as a question, and I have often wondered this, those that one communicates online with, does one care about them ,beyond their screen name or are they just a screen name what happens beneath that screen name is of no interest ?

Folks who I have gotten some semblance of who they are through their forums posts, yes. People who just pop up out of the blue and I have no clue of who they are, no. There is a familiarity factor in one category where there isn't one in the other.

quote:

As I said in my original post, many come online to say what they wish to say without being told they are wrong by some other all the time, so if one is seeing a particular destructive trait, is it not the duty of those the person interacts with to say,''hold on a minute something is wrong here'', and there make a suggestion if it is valid ?

No. I don't not have some great unspoken "duty" to the world or even to people who just happen to be frequenting the same website that I do. If people want to take that responsibility on for themselves, that's just fine. At the same time, it is not a responsibility that I wish to claim.

quote:

Do we look out for others as we do off line ?

I don't. I happen to think that most folks should turn to the people that they know in the real world for most of the things that they bring up here. I'm not on this website to save the world. I'm here for My own purposes, just like everyone else.

In most cases, folks who have been members of the forums have formed some bonds and friendships. I'm going to care more about a problem that someone who I've chatted about various subjects over the last few years decides to ask about. Somebody that I've never heard of, I'm not going to have the same emotional investment there.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/6/2011 5:59:48 AM

stellauk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

Learning difficulties are very common, and I would say the vast majority of people have them, but some are more apparent than others and here online, they become for those who can see, plain to see.

I would disagree with the above statement on principle, basically because I see learning difficulties as something which impair someone's ability to function on a day to day basis and something quite close to mental retardation. I do not see the majority of people as being mentally retarded.

But if you mean emotional and psychological issues, emotional baggage, emotional disturbances, mental illness, and lump it all together under the heading of 'issues' then yes, I would agree that the vast majority of people have them.

They come from living and interacting with other people, and the only way to avoid them I guess is to lock yourself away and live your life in a broom cupboard.

I separate between 'issues' and 'dysfunction' and the criteria for me is one of ownership of said issue. I know from my own experience how dysfunction can become a bottomless pit sucking in time, attention, emotion, feelings, effort, energy and material resources. Ownership comes from responsibility, and better it be 'I have this issue and I own it' rather than 'this is my issue and it owns me'.

I do what I can to treat everyone as the unique, individual example of humanity they really are. I know that people generally see themselves somewhat differently to how other people see them, and this difference in perception is influenced by a lot of different things, such as circumstances, background, culture, environment, identity, and so on.

It's like with this website, the only given is that each posting, just like each profile, is created by a real, live human individual, each living their own reality. You don't share their reality, you don't sit beside them on the sofa, walk the same path in life, you have no way of knowing the thinking behind the profile or what made them post the way they did - you just have the end result - the words that are written.

Personally I believe that people are usually far more complex than a couple of hundred words in a profile or even several thousand postings and that you only really ever get to know someone by going beyond the postings and the profile to interact with them directly through communication, interaction, and sharing experiences to the point where you can be confident of being able to walk a mile in their shoes.

It's similar with issues. You might think someone has an issue, they may or may not, but to me if its apparent enough for you to be able to perceive it here online, then you're probably not going to be the first person who is aware of that issue. Furthermore you don't know any background behind that issue, what triggers it, what lies behind it, or anything about it unless you get to know the person and see the relationship between the two.

Another thing is - and I write here from personal experience - often pointing out to someone that they have an issue achieves little more than informing them of something which in all likelihood they already know. It's a bit like walking up to a disabled person and saying 'Hey, you're using a wheelchair.' Of course it's different when the issue manifests itself in communication, coming between you and the other person, causing the communication to go adrift or to break down, but generally speaking I find the person who is best able to deal with and resolve the issue is the person who has the issue, and it's something they can do only in their own time and in their own way.

This is of course the theory, sometimes in practice its different (yes, I'm human, I have issues, I get things wrong, sue me), usually when I can see some benefit to the person affected. But I'm also aware that we all project (me included) and we are all perceived differently by others to the way we perceive ourselves.

And there but for the grace of God.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/6/2011 5:19:49 PM

Aneirin

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I thank you for your reply Stella, but I used the term learning dfficulty for a reason, in that a difficulty is just that, a disability is something else, notice how the UK professionals use both terms, I adhere to their terms.

But as someone with a learnin difficulty, I know how I can appear to others, and that is why I constantly check myself, for I am aware through professional diagnosis, and following that, personal research on the condition myself.

The other that caused me to ask displays very similar characteristics, that to me scream my condition pre diagnosis and I am very aware of what life was like then, it was either arrogance reigns supreme or plans for suicide for the inability to fit in. My wish would be, if I can save someone from that, if it is their life is similar, for once knowledge is aquired, diagnosi can be sought and with that peace at last when one becomes aware of oneself.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/6/2011 5:28:14 PM

purepleasure

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

But as a question, and I have often wondered this, those that one communicates online with, does one care about them ,beyond their screen name or are they just a screen name what happens beneath that screen name is of no interest ?

As I said in my original post, many come online to say what they wish to say without being told they are wrong by some other all the time, so if one is seeing a particular destructive trait, is it not the duty of those the person interacts with to say,''hold on a minute something is wrong here'', and there make a suggestion if it is valid ?

Do we look out for others as we do off line ?

Unless I have plans to meet in RL, I tend to care less about others online. I've made the mistake once too often of developing feelings for someone online who was MUCH less than honest about their online persona. I'm not willing to let get myself get burnt over some bullshit artist again.

< Message edited by purepleasure -- 3/6/2011 5:29:51 PM >

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/7/2011 7:27:55 AM

stellauk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

I thank you for your reply Stella, but I used the term learning dfficulty for a reason, in that a difficulty is just that, a disability is something else, notice how the UK professionals use both terms, I adhere to their terms.

But as someone with a learnin difficulty, I know how I can appear to others, and that is why I constantly check myself, for I am aware through professional diagnosis, and following that, personal research on the condition myself.

The other that caused me to ask displays very similar characteristics, that to me scream my condition pre diagnosis and I am very aware of what life was like then, it was either arrogance reigns supreme or plans for suicide for the inability to fit in. My wish would be, if I can save someone from that, if it is their life is similar, for once knowledge is aquired, diagnosi can be sought and with that peace at last when one becomes aware of oneself.

I admit I'm still lost by what you mean by learning difficulty, unless you're including maladaptive behaviour in your definition. But splitting hairs over the definition isn't going to add anything to my point.

I wouldn't have known you have a learning difficulty had you not brought it onto the boards. I know we haven't met in real time or anything, and I don't sit around here trying to read between the lines of what is being posted and guessing as to what particular issue a poster has. I just read the words and take things pretty much at face value. I may notice things as the contact or exposure increases, but it generally doesn't change how I perceive the person. We are all human.

The thing is Aneirin you know you have a learning difficulty, and you've probably no doubt experienced times where it's influenced or determined the outcome of communication and interaction between you and other people, insomuch that it has become part of your reality.

But this is really all it is, your reality. Other people don't share that reality. I can see how you think you know how you appear to others, because you are the one with this issue, you're dealing with it every day, you're the one who always has to take it into consideration and to compensate for it, and this is something you are constantly aware of.

But the thing is, is that you don't know for sure how you appear to other people simply because you're not them, you have no idea how their mind works, and unless you know someone really well it's actually quite difficult to see the world and other people through someone else's eyes. All you can go on is how you feel other people have perceived you up to that point in time.

I've gone through something very similar through being transgendered. Yes there is a lack of understanding about gender issues and yes there is a lot of prejudice, but the same can be said about learning difficulties, disabilities, mental illness, sexual orientation and everything else.

But you never get a woman analyzing interpersonal communication and thinking 'is it because I'm a woman?' or a Nigerian man thinking 'is it because I'm black?'. I admit it took me some time to work out but life became simpler when I stopped making my being transgendered an issue. When I stopped making it an issue, so too did other people and apart from relationships it's not really an issue now.

Other people don't share your reality quite simply because they have their own reality to deal with. Everyone to some degree has some sort of issue, phobia, baggage, fear and when they're interacting or communicating with others it's that issue which is uppermost in their mind. You can imagine a couple on their first date where he's thinking 'will I get it up if she takes me home' and she's thinking 'my boobs are too big, he's thinking my boobs are too big but they're sitting there over coffee or a drink just chatting away happily.

People do notice and pick up on issues in others, but generally, unlike the small minority of keyboard warriors on the other side, they have no real interest in pointing out someone's issues or putting someone else down because of them.

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RE: Learning difficulties here and online ? - 3/7/2011 8:52:31 AM

LaTigresse

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My thoughts are very similar to what LadyPact has already written.

Add to that my perception of today's habit of dragging out every possible excuse for what is quite often pure laziness and I am just not going to sort through the chaff.

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