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Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 2:52:43 PM

artemiss

Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
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So, haven't really formed my thoughts into a question here, but hoping people who have been in a similar situation mitt be willing to share their experiences. Or even I you haven't been here, but think you have some insite, I would live to hear that also.

So for the last five years I have been involved in strictly vanilla, (and unsatisfying), relationships. While the structure of a D/s dynamic is something I still long for, I fear the supression of these desires over the last years has distanced me from that part of myself. Couple that with the fact that strictly casual interactions no longer hold any interest for me, I feel I am at a loss as how proceed. Afraid I will get involved with someone, and find I have changed to much to make either of us happy.

Most likely this is all just fear. But what thoughts do you all have? Do you think that if it was part of your nature, those desires will always be there? Or do people change?

Post #: 1

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 3:05:50 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

It's possible to take a break from D/s and return to it. I've done it a number of times. When I'm not actively involved in kink, I'm still dominant. That's a personality trait that never goes away. I suspect it's the same for someone who is submissive. If you want a D/s relationship, there's no reason you can't have one. Just take it slow and communicate lots with prospective partners. Kinky relationships are still relationships, so there's no reason to treat them like they're more complex than they are.

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(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 2

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 4:05:09 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
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It means that you used to be in the lifestyle, right? (it is what the word returning suggest to me). If it is so, do as you did the 1st time .

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(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 3

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 4:07:42 PM

DrawingTheLine

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/2/2011
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Over time, any behavior will extinguish if not appropriately fueled. It doesn't matter if that behavior is playing an instrument or feeling a certain emotion/interest towards something. If there is nothing to support a behavior, it will slip further and further away until it is no longer in your repertoire.

So yes, spending years away from D/s has distanced it from you, but apparently not so much that you aren't concerned about it's leaving. To me, that says enough right there. If you didn't care? Then it's too late. It may be hard to get back because you are "rusty" but it is not irretrievable.

It boils down to whether or not you want it. If you do, then it is simply a matter of moving forward and actively trying to encourage that part of yourself.

So, regarding your concerns about meeting someone, I think that as long as you enter into a relationship with the disclosure that it's been a while, there really shouldn't be trouble. You just have to find someone who both enjoys (and is actually capable of) guiding someone's growth as a submissive.

< Message edited by DrawingTheLine -- 3/5/2011 4:10:04 PM >

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 4

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 4:12:35 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

When I met Master I hadn't been in a real relationship of any kind in a very long time, an even longer time since I was with someone that I called "Master". At that point I knew there were things I no longer wanted or desired or even needed and I wasn't sure about a lot of other things and my pain threshold has pretty much disappeared.

This however only strengthened our relationship imo because we got to learn about each other as people, we got to figure out together what we wanted from each other and not just bdsm stuff. Even though it's been frustrating at times for me (not so much for him...he's such a patient and understanding man), it's also been fun discovering things all over again....together....as a couple.

So imo concentrate on finding someone that's compatible with you on not just bdsm levels and get to know each other as people. The rest will fall into place.

(in reply to DrawingTheLine)

Post #: 5

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 5:00:58 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Yes, people can change. Some people get interested in all of this very young; others come into it later. It works the other way around, too. I know people who were kinky for decades and then they just lost interest.

As to the rest, Buzzz did a perfect job. It's that simple. There's no need to complicate it.

Oh, and for the record, that's exactly the way I got back into things several years ago.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 6:46:52 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

There are quite a few homosexuals that wish they were straight. They can tell you for a fact that your sexuality will not go away. They have very long, difficult programs to try and 'de program' homosexuals. But they don't seem to work very well (In my opinion, because homosexuality is natural and built into the core of their being.)

Now, it is possible to add NEW kinks - you can learn to enjoy things that you do not currently enjoy. But if you ever truly enjoyed something, then chances are it will always get you going.

Once a part of your brain decides it likes something, you will probably always like it. You may choose not to actively do it, but it will definitely still make you hot.

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 3/5/2011 6:48:42 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/5/2011 10:53:55 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

welcome back. now start slow and look for local groups go to meet and greets the more you meet the better the odds of finding a partner. comunicate with them and learn more about the lifestyle

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LadyPact

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 8

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/6/2011 12:37:05 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Change is good. Embrace your sweet evolution!

I think of D/s as an orientation, because that's the way it feels to me. I've had yummy vanilla phases that went on for years, and come back to the D/s as a part of my natural evolution. I just do what feels right. Self- actualization is the goal. Being my authentic self.

In short: just be yourself, and enjoy whatever form that takes.

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(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 9

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/6/2011 6:43:05 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss

So for the last five years I have been involved in strictly vanilla, (and unsatisfying), relationships. While the structure of a D/s dynamic is something I still long for, I fear the supression of these desires over the last years has distanced me from that part of myself. Couple that with the fact that strictly casual interactions no longer hold any interest for me, I feel I am at a loss as how proceed. Afraid I will get involved with someone, and find I have changed to much to make either of us happy.

Most likely this is all just fear. But what thoughts do you all have? Do you think that if it was part of your nature, those desires will always be there? Or do people change?

For a start, you're worrying about an *us* that isn't even on the horizon.

Perhaps you're concerned that if you actually pursue it and then find you don't want it as much as you thought you did (let's face it, the reality is never quite the same), you'll have to admit that and deal with it.

The easiest way is to be upfront from the beginning, then there's no hard feelings and everyone's reading from the same score. Nothing in a relationship of ANY sort is set in stone. There's endless possibilities.

If you still *long for* a D/s stucture/dynamic or whatever you want to call it, then give it a go with someone that KNOWS that that's the point that you're at right now. There really isn't a *if I try it I have to buy it*. You can explore what you feel without *committing until your dying breath* and it still not be casual. (how casual is casual?)

As long as the other person KNOWS where you're at, there's no need for them to be *unhappy* if you do a bit of exploring and decide it's not what you want any longer.

It's not part of MY nature to be submissive, but I've lived happily and joyously being owned and having to be submissive (ok, mostly.*I'm avoiding M's guffaws*).

Unless you *try* it, you don't even have the chance to *buy* it. It really does takes all sorts and it's often as complicated as you make it. Again, there are endless possibilities you just have to be open to them, it's really not a Master/Full on D/s.... or vanilla.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 10

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/6/2011 9:35:37 AM

artemiss

Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all for you responses, they have helped to focus my thinking.

On reflection it isn't so much the ability to submit that I am really concerned with. Truly believe that is part of my nature, and has been present in all my relationships. Think the real apprehension is with the kink itself.

Not much to do about that but give it a try and see if it is still enjoyable.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/6/2011 6:17:02 PM

submale67

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline

i had taken a break off for 5 years then went back to a domme i saw in 2002..ive seen her 2 times already in past 3 weeks im glad im back...i had really missed it

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 12

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/26/2011 5:47:06 PM

artemiss

Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

So I am revisiting this thread after facing my fears. Thank you all again for your advice, both to my previous question, and anything you my add here.

A couple weeks ago I met up with a man I had been conversing with for about a month, (and yes, I was up front from the very begging that I was out of practice). There seemed to be strong attraction from both sides, and a good overlap in compatible kinks, so we set up a play date for last night.

Overall, it was a wonderful experience. And it was great to find that most ofthe submissive feelings were still there. However, my pain threshold seems to be rather diminished. And on several occasions my brain was snapped back to reality with "oh fuck that hurt."

Granted he is more severe than previous men I have been with. And while he readily provided care and encouragement as needed, his style is not one that is willing to provide pleasure without simultaneously providing pain.

So my question now, and this is particularly directed at littlewonder as she had mentioned her diminished pain threshold as well, woul
appreciate feedback from all :

Was it simply continued experienced that allowed you to build your pain tolerance? Are there any tricks such as breathing exercises that have helled you? Do you feel it is something that simply increase as your feeling for your partner grow? What are your thoughts and or experiences here?

(in reply to submale67)

Post #: 13

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/26/2011 6:09:19 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

Afraid I will get involved with someone, and find I have changed to much to make either of us happy

You return as who you are, not who you were.

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(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 14

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/26/2011 7:39:45 PM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

Philisophical considerations aside, i would recommend developing a friends-and-maybe-more kind of relationship with someone. Nothing like a capital-R Relationship, but a platonic interaction with a dominant that may or may not develop into something more serious. That way you can move slowly in the lifestyle without having to have casual encounters, and without risking starting and then ruining a relationship.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 15

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/26/2011 8:42:05 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

After all the platitudes and welcome backs (To which I add my own) and well wishes (again I add my own to this)This:::>>>>>>>>>

quote:

You return as who you are, not who you were.

Has to be the most sage advise I could have ever hoped you would get.....

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 16

RE: Returning to the Scene - 3/29/2011 6:40:44 PM

SirRussellP

Posts: 107
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline

Just as a Dom can't make you a submissive, only you can do that. It first must be a part of who you are or you are only a player at this way of life.

Glad to hear that things are going well just remember that the Dom has to match your needs and a smart one will not push you to far and to fast.

Russell

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 17

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