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RE: breaking up - 5/5/2006 11:57:26 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn
I can tell you what I would do though ... I would tell him to get lost and go fuck himself ...in no particular order.
I would agree this is the least dramatic, and most dignified approach...    M

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(in reply to caitlyn)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 1:43:39 AM   
tendergirl


Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline 		OMG...mirror image of what happened to me 10 days ago.


(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 2:01:56 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
sweet escravo.... I personally dont think that scenario is a good one. If he is no longer wanting to be your Dom, its kinda mean of him to say he still wants to look out for you etc...it keeps a tie there and doesnt let you fully let go of the relationship to move on....


Got to agree with jali on this, looks like he wants everything except the responcibility. Have you act the same toward him without having to put any work in himself and in a manner that will stop you moving on. That isn't for YOUR benifit, it is because HE is insecure.

Either he steps up to the line and picks up the bat and gives it his best else leave his ass on the bench and look for a better batsman!


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(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 3:45:37 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL

quote:

The reality, and the reason the post is misguided, is that true love never dies.  People change, but love will always remain, broken up or not.


I do agree with SirKenin also...even if the situation has not worked, people leave for their own paths for whatever reason...the love doesn't necessarily die right then...changes, evolves...but it still exists.

C


I don't buy this. If true love 'changes', 'evolves', it has become something else, hence it has died because it has CHANGED and EVOLVED. One might look back on the past with nostalgia at how strong ones love was for someone but it is very much looking back at something that no longer exists.

If true love never dies, I would still be with my first love because I wouldn't be able to bear being without her, which is what I felt at the time. That love no longer exists so I don't look back in anguish but with nostalgia to a wonderful experience. It helped that we parted without bitterness which is why I say how one breaks up is important as to how one looks back on a relationship.

Having said that, I don't really believe there is a single feeling called 'love'. Love is made up of a host of feelings, motivations and socialised behaviour.

(in reply to CERCKL)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 7:35:00 AM   
DelightMachine


Posts: 652
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn
I can tell you what I would do though ... I would tell him to get lost and go fuck himself ...in no particular order.
 


I think a "good" breakup is one where the person or persons who want to break off the relationship are VERY honest and VERY frank, direct and open about WHY they want to break it off. Feelings are going to be hurt and the breaker of the relationship needs to be brave enough to give a good, solid, reason why it's happening. If the reason sounds stupid, it's probably because the reason being given is a lie.

If the reason is a surprise, it's because the person breaking up the relationship hasn't been open enough about the problems in the relationship in the past. When I break up with someone, it is only after trying to work out problems openly and sincerely for a while.

I think if you were given no warning, then a good "Fall off a cliff and fuck yourself on the way down," is fine. If problems were brought up, couldn't be resolved and you knew there might be a breakup because of it, you may have the foundation for a future friendship -- based on honesty.



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(in reply to caitlyn)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 7:45:30 AM   
DelightMachine


Posts: 652
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline 		SirKenin:
quote:

The reality, and the reason the post is misguided, is that true love never dies.  People change, but love will always remain, broken up or not.


meatcleaver:
quote:

I don't buy this. If true love 'changes', 'evolves', it has become something else, hence it has died because it has CHANGED and EVOLVED. One might look back on the past with nostalgia at how strong ones love was for someone but it is very much looking back at something that no longer exists.


I was trying to figure out why I found so much truth in both what SirKenin and meatcleaver were saying. I think the difference here is just over semantics -- the phrase "true love" means something different for the two of you, but beyond that I get the idea that you're both describing -- quite well, I think -- different aspects of what we feel in breakups.

Often we do feel strongly for the people we've broken up with, but I agree with meatcleaver that it isn't -- can't be -- the same feeling.

< Message edited by DelightMachine -- 5/6/2006 7:46:10 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 7:57:46 AM   
DelightMachine


Posts: 652
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
I would really like some insight or advice on how to deal with this, how to talk to him about things, what might be going on, anything.


If you want him to be honest with you, you should remove, as far as you can, any reasons for him to avoid telling you the truth. Therefore, I'd approach him with very subdued emotions on your part -- that is, try very hard not to sound as emotional as you feel -- because it may be that he doesn't want to hurt you more by being as frank as possible. In a conversation about why he's breaking up, I wouldn't argue, I wouldn't plead, I wouldn't sound nearly as hurt as I feel and I wouldn't sound angry. I'd be subdued, slightly pleasant and unemotional and I'd concentrate on drawing out his reasons.

He may also avoid telling you the truth if he doesn't want to face it himself -- in other words, if he's acting like an ass he probably won't want to admit that. So if he starts sounding that way, I'd draw him out more so that you can make sure of it, and I'd avoid telling him to fuck himself until you're absolutely sure he's an ass. I'd probably, if I were in my right mind (obviously not easy in this situation), try to end the conversation without expressing anger and then think about it. If you still think he's an ass, call him back and tell him, but think about it first.

You can always call him an ass later. You can't always draw him out to make sure you have the truth.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 3:49:40 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

-Neil Gaimen


I hope that you can let this go as quickly as possible.


I have never heard of Neil Gaimen...but his words above are just about perfect.  Thanks for bringing them to my attention.


Best,

LaMalinche



(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 5:31:49 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
sweet escravo.... I personally dont think that scenario is a good one. If he is no longer wanting to be your Dom, its kinda mean of him to say he still wants to look out for you etc...it keeps a tie there and doesnt let you fully let go of the relationship to move on....


Got to agree with jali on this, looks like he wants everything except the responcibility. Have you act the same toward him without having to put any work in himself and in a manner that will stop you moving on. That isn't for YOUR benifit, it is because HE is insecure.

Either he steps up to the line and picks up the bat and gives it his best else leave his ass on the bench and look for a better batsman!

Ditto to Jali and Ravenmuse.....You will become his fallback girl...be well Tempting

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 6:49:04 PM   
unquenchable


Posts: 155
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with many of the above posts.

He is having his cake and eating it too!

Now it is up to you to decide what to do with that.  College is hard enough to deal with without the stress of dealing with a broken relationship.

Maybe time to hold onto this as a lesson well learned and move on, but only your heart can tell you to do that.

Good luck,
un--------

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: breaking up - 5/6/2006 6:49:05 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes people don't really need a reason to break up.  They often say things about remaining friends because they KNOW they are hurting you and that feels like a way to cause less pain than simply saying.."Look, I just don't want to be together, and I really don't know why" Or maybe they do know and want to spare you the pain of explaining. Does anyone really want to hear bad things about why someone doesn't want you? Can you imagine how painful that might be to hear, or much less to say to anyone..." You bore me," or  "You irritate me with your whiny voice," or whatever  the reason. Maybe he does care about her, but if he did, letting her cling to the idea that the breakup is reversable is more cruel than just breaking it off completely.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: breaking up - 5/7/2006 4:12:09 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with CE.

I hate gutless people when it comes to break ups. They lack honesty, integrity and moral backbone and cause more hurt than people that have the stomach to look someone in the eye, tell them how it is and be willing to discuss the reasons. I think many people won't discuss the reasons why they want to break up, not to save the other person hurt but because they don't want to put themselves at a disadvantage, they don't want themselves to look mean and spiteful. They aren't but they do certainly manage to look that way and become what they don't want to be seen as.

(in reply to ChainedExistence)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: breaking up - 5/7/2006 4:56:03 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I agree with CE.

I hate gutless people when it comes to break ups. They lack honesty, integrity and moral backbone and cause more hurt than people that have the stomach to look someone in the eye, tell them how it is and be willing to discuss the reasons. I think many people won't discuss the reasons why they want to break up, not to save the other person hurt but because they don't want to put themselves at a disadvantage, they don't want themselves to look mean and spiteful. They aren't but they do certainly manage to look that way and become what they don't want to be seen as.


I agree....but also, sometimes people just don't know themselves very well either.  It can take a lot of time, thought and experience to know yourself well......and it's an ongoing process.

I have done exactly the same thing as this chap....In HINDSIGHT, with maturity and a few years under my belt I KNOW that I didn't make things easier, better or more comfortable for the other person. I was saving MYSELF from having to witness THEIR hurt , from having to see myself as *not very nice*. I couldn't be honest with THEM, as I wasn't able to be honest with myself , at the time.
 Being a thinking human ....I have revisited how I behaved many times and I would certainly behave differently these days. 

The OP  SOUNDS like one of those *gradual let downs*....but it is very hard to tell without really knowing the folk involved.

Regards, agirl


(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: breaking up - 5/7/2006 5:09:27 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

My (ex-)dom told me yesterday that after a lot of thought he wants to just be friends with me.  However, he also told me that he still loves me just as much and in the same way as before.  He also told me that he will still be looking out for me, making sure I am sticking to my diet and such just like he did when he was my dom.  Maybe I am still in the denial stage, but I feel like maybe all this means that he and I will get back together. 

I am really not sure why this happened, although there were a few things I thought it possibly could be..

1.  He and I are going to different colleges, and will have some distence between us
2.  He told me I have been very picky and negitive about a lot of things recently
3.  He also said that he is no longer 100% sure about being in a 24/7 d/s relationship with anyone.  He is, however, like I said, still kind of acting as a dom towards me.

Maybe it is all these things, I really have no idea. 

I would really like some insight or advice on how to deal with this, how to talk to him about things, what might be going on, anything.

Thanks.


First thing I have to wonder is, how old the two of you are and how long you've been involved.  I can't tell from your statement whether you're both just starting college and will be attending different ones or if one of you is changing colleges or has changed.

That being said, it sounds like there is either already another girl or he's opening the door for other relationships.  Personally, I'd have to end it completely.  Either he is or he isn't with you, either he is or he isn't your dominant. 

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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: breaking up - 5/7/2006 5:36:54 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		SweetEscravo's profile states she's all of 18 years old.  Her boyfriend is likely about the same age.  That they are going off to college with some distance between them is reason enough for a young person to consider a 24/7 relationship might not be what they want.  The boy is likely new at this; what and how he's doing it isn't all bad, he could have left things as they are, gone away and started a new life...(not unlike the married man I WAS dating did to his wife (oh wait...he never left her!))

Life is hard, but the pendulum must swing its full arc to really live.  Learn to fully embrace the joy as well as the pain; cry and hurt and rail against it and then look back at the good parts and learn from the rest.

uhhhhhhhh... no, I didn't know he was married... (sigh)  

I, too, would suggest you let go and get on with your life.  You are very young and have so much to explore, consider, enjoy.

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 5/7/2006 5:43:34 AM >

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 35
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