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Limits? - 3/6/2011 12:36:32 AM

Asherscorp1

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Joined: 3/6/2011
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I searched a bit to see if questions like this were pretty common but either they aren't or I just didn't look in the right way. So if you've all heard this a hundred times, sorry. I'm new here, try to humor me. :) I was wondering, how do you find your limits? Is it all a matter of trial and error? Master and I have been together for over a year now and I just don't really have any set limits, soft or hard. It's difficult for me to think of something I wouldn't be willing to do for him and he is so sensitive to me that I know even if I was horrified by something he wanted of me, I wouldn't ever be damaged by it. But sometimes I feel like this is naieve of me and I wanted to know how some of you found your own limits.

Post #: 1

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 1:12:43 AM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
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Some limits are formed due to fears or previous trauma, for health/safety reasons or because they are an intense turn-off. Some may be known when you initially start exploring BDSM, while others are discovered along the way. Perhaps you try a new toy and discover that you hate it so much you would not be willing to use it again. Perhaps you develop some kind of health issue that necessitates a non-negotiable limit. More frequently than discovering limits, however, I think people discover that things they thought were limits might be interesting to try. I think it is likely that you have some limits, but that they fall outside of what your Master desires, so they haven't come up. I believe that most no limits slaves are actually slaves whose limits fit well with their dominant's limits. If they aren't coming up, there isn't an issue. There is no law that says you must have limits. If you have limits, it is important to communicate them, but communication should be on-going rather than a one-time deal.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 2

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 1:22:27 AM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
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I discovered that severe forms of bondage are not possible for me due to my condition fibromyalgia. With fibromyalgia you have areas on your body where gentle touch can already her a lot. I had times at uni where I hoped that please nobody will poke me today whilst walking in a crowed to get their attention from me to sort of say hello to me as depending where they were poking it simply hurt freaking a lot...when I started with bdsm I did not know to have that condition, though I knew some symptoms I couldn't figure out the name for it and therefore ended up tied up like a parcel which felt to me how I imagine it felt like being in fire. It was unbearable and despitet hat he got me out of that fast it left me in agony for several hours afterwards as some muscle areas just did not relaxe for a very long time. Knowing today about my condition I would have gone in a hot bathtub after such an event to losen up my muscles again, but I did not know that at that time and simply figured out since then that as single pressure points can already hurt a lot when touched unneccessary, having too much robe around me gives me a heck of a lot of pressure points and so adds to a heck of a lot of pain...and therefore for me that limit is due to health reasons....I enjoy pictures where women are tied up severely...so its not that I would be against it mentally...but its just not possible.

Other limits are due to personal preferences....such as scat....thats just not on my to-do-list at all with anyone ever and others are ethically wrong such as including animals....just not going to happen ever.

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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(in reply to beltainefaerie)

Post #: 3

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 1:24:03 AM

myotherself

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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What the faerie said

Fortunately the vast majority of my deal-breaker limits are shared by Master. Any others he respects and avoids.

Everything else is up for grabs, although I have communicated some 'soft limits' that frighten/worry/squick me out and he is pushing them slowly so that we can add them to our list of play activities.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

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Post #: 4

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 4:39:30 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
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I started with a million limits, things that made me go yuck, things that I didnt like the look of, slowly they vanished, now I have very few limits I found that my fears were generally unfounded so I stick to practicalities

_____________________________

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

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Post #: 5

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 8:07:15 AM

leadership527

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Carol and I do a TPE relationship. Not surprisingly therefor, pretty much all of her serious "limits" were run into in oddball areas. Sure sure, it's predictable that exposing herself in public would be a problematic command. Obviously commanding her to love another woman would be a bit tricky. But who would've guessed that a command to do a charcoal sketch would cause a blow-up? Or how about the command to buy a band-saw... a tool she really wanted... she almost punched a deer over THAT horrid command. For us, at least, the really personal, really intrusive stuff was "life stuff".

Out of curiosity, why are you so focused on finding your limits? We never have been. We just treat them as obstacles to be dealt with when they show up from time to time.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 6

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 8:23:16 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I found my "limits" by being human. I'm allergic to scallops so no forcing me to eat them...limit.

Ya know..just by living life and having experienced some things and by knowing there are some things that make me shut down.

With Master we discover things together and we've learned over time what areas are touch and go and absolute no no's. We are compatible on many levels and our limits pretty much match so there's rarely ever something that even comes into question. We talked and learned about each other.

If you don't have any "limits" it could be that you both are just simply compatible and it's not really a problem for you both so rejoice in that fact. Not everyone gets so lucky, and don't worry about it so much.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 7

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 8:30:56 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1

I searched a bit to see if questions like this were pretty common but either they aren't or I just didn't look in the right way. So if you've all heard this a hundred times, sorry. I'm new here, try to humor me. :) I was wondering, how do you find your limits? Is it all a matter of trial and error? Master and I have been together for over a year now and I just don't really have any set limits, soft or hard. It's difficult for me to think of something I wouldn't be willing to do for him and he is so sensitive to me that I know even if I was horrified by something he wanted of me, I wouldn't ever be damaged by it. But sometimes I feel like this is naieve of me and I wanted to know how some of you found your own limits.

Here, it's trial and error...... 'though of course by then, we've already done it and it's clearly not a limit as I managed to survive:) I can hardly say I can't take it, if I'm sat up in bed sipping tea and smiling.

It could be naive of you, or it could just be that you don't rule anything out unless it proves to fuck you up hugely. Some of us just don't know, or haven't come across anything that would bugger us up in any bothersome manner :)

People are wildly different in their experiences and approach. Some people really, REALLY have hard limits that are set in granite.( even politics!) Others have never come across anything they can truly say that they'd have to *limit*, even though they actively hated it at the time.

Personally, I've never found a limit as yet (give it time, it's only been years)

I can't be fagged to spend my time thinking of things that I *might not like or wouldn't endure*. I mean, how the hell would I know??

He spends lots of time bothering about me and what I'd like, I'm pretty wildly fired up to do the same thing.

A lot of the time it's about attitude. Seriously, so what if you're naive?, it's working, isn't it? Sometimes you REALLY have to accept that it's good, it feels good, it WORKS and there's NO good reason why it shouldn't.

What limits would help/aid, add to your supposed naive self and your relationship?

Don't waste time fixing what ain't broke because there's no D/s army out there with a manual.

Don't mistake naiveity for genuine trust.

agirl

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 3/6/2011 8:41:26 AM >

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

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Post #: 8

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 9:11:38 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Some of them are physical. If you're a diabetic then starvation play would have to be a hard limit. Others are psychological, if you get panic attacks from hoods, then obviously you would need to hard limit them. And some are moral. I'm straight, not bi. I don't get off on lying to others. Therefore there is no way I would be willing to have sex with a woman without making it absolutely clear that I found her repugnant, beyond that I don't know if I could ever come to trust him again for forcing me into such a situation with me sobbing and since I value this relationship I am not willing to take the chance that we could overcome the damage from it.

I'm monogamous and not poly, trying to make me into something I am not already says to me that I am not enough and the relationship is stifling him, at which point I would wish him luck finding his happiness elsewhere. Because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, I've had that and am not willing to go there again.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 9:31:07 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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in my last relationship, i had one serious limit that he didnt share, which was shaving my head. i imagine in time, he would've overcome it though, if we'd had the time. it was such a drastic anxiety trigger because of something that happened to me as a kid (the water in tulsa is heinous, we'll just leave it at that) and a boatload of insecurities about my appearance. at the time he died, he had basically whittled away that insecurity, and what was left was the anxiety.

do you and your Master share a set of limits? i dont think you should worry about feeling naive -- you're in a relationship where you feel understood and taken care of, and that can do a lot towards making a person feel that limits just aren't necessary. if you do run into something, just talk about it. a lot of it is trial and error. if you have health concerns, as others have mentioned, you may have to steer clear of certain activities to avoid hospitalization. =p some people have fundamental beliefs that they do not wish to change or challenge, like sexual activities/orientation, mono vs. poly, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
... trying to make me into something I am not already says to me that I am not enough and the relationship is stifling him, at which point I would wish him luck finding his happiness elsewhere. Because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me ...

this is a big one for me, too, and if a person requires something that i can't give, then i will wish that person good luck elsewhere.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 10:34:24 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Cynical and proud of it

We don't have any serious anxieties oher than * will she still be here next week?*( which is more logistics/planning than my annoying habit of *Fuck YOU!* now and then.

Let's not be TOO serious about it all. If you don't want to fuck, suck and generally service another female, it's helpful to know. I dont wanna , but I may have to.

Some people would never get over it, some people would. It helps to know your victim.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 11

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 11:45:39 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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For me in the beginning it was stuff I found extremely distasteful or went against some core value that I have. I then learned a lot by reading in the forums and seeing what other people said and then mentally trying it on for size to see if I had any reservations about it. Further things came up as a result of doing them with a partner and finding out places that I will not go that were previously unknown to me.

For example, I swear if my Dom ever brings out the electric bug zapper again and applies it to my nipples he will find it jammed up his ass when he leasts expects it. I had no idea that was a limit until I tried it more than once and found that I honestly cannot tolerate it used on that part of my body-it goes beyond a simple dislike or even a hate. I honestly can't tolerate it and almost decked him when he used it last time, I was not in control of my actions. So for both of our safety and well being it's off the list forever.

An earlier partner kept insisting that we include another woman in our sexual activities. I found out by having him express this wish (over and over) and me thoughtfully considering it that in the end I truly was not interested in that scenario although I honestly wanted to please him. I just couldn't do it. I now include it up front in my lists of hard limits for subsequent relationships. Sometimes I think you dont actually know how something will affect till you run up against it in real life. The opposite is true too...you may think something is a hard limit and after doing it you will find it acceptable. I think limits start out in your mind and with RL application can become something different but you start somewhere with something and can see what it morphs into with the right person.

Limits are for your protection, they're for your partner's protection. Sometimes they're not always set in stone, sometimes they are. You find out with practice what belongs where.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 12

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 1:31:33 PM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
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we pretty much share the same, some i thought i had disapeared very fast, he wanted me to start writing fiction something i have wanted to do for ages and kept on about it, in the end he told me to do it, we then realised i had a huge past issue and ended up with me in a bad way for a couple of days. not the kin dof limit you were asking i know but you dont always know the path in fromt of you

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 13

RE: Limits? - 3/6/2011 1:51:05 PM

vaiyanen

Posts: 10
Joined: 11/28/2008
Status: offline

My limits are mostly defined by my gag reflect. If I throw up a little in my mouth at the mention of a particular kink or fetish, it's a no-go.

And of course, moral standards, sanity, previous experiences, and basic survival instict have played a role in setting the boundaries of what I will and will not do.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)

Post #: 14

RE: Limits? - 3/7/2011 2:19:55 AM

Jennislut

Posts: 234
Joined: 2/24/2011
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i dont have a lot of experience, and not a lot of limits - i stared with one and discovered others as i tried or considered things. in fact i just discovered one today while in a discussion - hypnosis. for me limits are things i come up against as i explore, most things are hot in my head but some i find are a no-go when i try to do them or seriously consider them - and im sure i will find more as i go along

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RE: Limits? - 3/7/2011 12:45:43 PM

littleone35

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Hard limits are thing you just will not do. I have a few of them Master shares the same ones.

Soft limts are thing you want to try. Things you want pushed Master has pushed past most of my soft limits and it is all good.

My limits will not be yours. For example one of my hard limits is serving as a human toilet some people love it. It is really a personal choice.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Jennislut)

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RE: Limits? - 3/7/2011 8:38:25 PM

Asherscorp1

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Thank you all for the feedback. I asked because I read a lot and try to learn what I can on forums, in essays, talking to people in person etc and having limits, be they soft or hard is something that seems to universally apply to subs I speak to. So I sat down and really tried to come up with some. Short of truly absurd situations like Master wanting to cut my arm off I just didn't really get the "I could never do that" feeling from anything. Since I have a tendency to be very trusting I thought, well damn, maybe that is incredibly stupid of me. Maybe I should set some just to cover my ass. Like, Master can't cut my arm off. lol. Usually when I feel stupid about something I ask other people so I thought I'd find out how others explored thier own boundaries. It was very helpful, thanks again to everyone who has commented.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

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RE: Limits? - 3/8/2011 5:07:36 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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So you would be fine with him telling you to prostitute yourself? And yeah, there are guys who do that. We had one on here a while ago soliciting girls to fly to his continent to earn monopoly money from men he would send to her hotel room. No std scans first or anything.

Are you bi? And even if you are, are you willing to have sex with people who don't attract you? Same question with poly, are you willing to be in a relationship with someone you dislike just because he wants her also?

What about tickling? Like being restrained and tickled till you're sobbing?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 18

RE: Limits? - 3/8/2011 10:09:19 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I discovered my one set hard non touchable limit by surprise. Turns out I dislike it when women make extreme sexual advances (I don't mind it when men make those same advances). My reaction was to reel back and come out punching. When I get that mad there is very little that stops me from completing the attack. So, for the sake of others bi-sexual play is not in the cards for my future.

Nearly all other limits are not mine. They are limits I set for what ever man I happen to be with at the time, based on what I know of him.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

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Post #: 19

RE: Limits? - 3/8/2011 7:22:02 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
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i did not have a list of limits i just went along and tried new things i have 2 limits one is for health that is scat the other is long tails (ptsd) multiple deployments. i can handle the pain part the pop i cant i had needles but that went away after time and increasing trust in my Mistress

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LadyPact

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Post #: 20

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