aim to please (Full Version)

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LO00604 -> aim to please (3/7/2011 8:37:18 AM)

For 5 years I was owned. I was ordered to work 2 jobs and keep house. No big deal there, however if something
wasn't done right then I suffered a concussion. I had to have staples put in my head, had my face burned with hot
grease, busted lip, cut face, and told if I left then my family would suffer including my twin sons.

He passed away of a heart attack but I'm damaged goods.

I'm in a new relationship. We are in love, but some of the things he wants causes me to have flashbacks. He
is very understanding about my past. I know its not fair to him though. I want to please him so much. I want to
allow him to be my dom, I'm just so scared.

I've been to shrinks, they give pills that turn me into a zombie. I would rather feel everything than not feel
at all.

Is there anyone else out there that has been through this? If so advice is welcome.

Thanks




maybemaybenot -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 9:16:28 AM)

Sorry that happened to you.

You were not " owned " for 5 years. You were a victim of abuse, domestic violence and battering, which has no place in BDSM or elsewhere.
Meds are not for you, I get that. However, 5 years of battering leaves a huge psychological and emotional scar that really does need professional assistance or at least a support group.
You found an underrstanding man, that's wonderful, but you need to look inward to fix your own fears and feelings before you can please anyone. It can be done concurrently within a relationship, but you need to fix "you" first. You're broken. < I say that in a compassionate way >

mbmbn



angelikaJ -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 9:22:14 AM)

There are medications that might not turn you into a zombie, but you have to find a shrink you trust and can dialogue with.
I have found Beta-blockers to be very helpful in reducing panic but they aren't for everybody.
There are different ways to approach medication.
Also, if the medication turned you into a zombie in the beginning, perhaps a lower dose...and sometimes as your body adjusts it can be raised...and sometimes less is enough.


There are also different modalities of therapy that can help with PTSD.
I have heard good things about EMDR and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in regards to that.

Find a therapist and be patient and gentle with yourself.

Learn what your triggers are and communicate that clearly to your new partner.
You can not will them away. Sometimes in time they can be worked through but neither you nor he can force the issue.
Triggers can be unpredictable.
Again, be gentle with yourself.

Sometimes journaling is a good tool for gaining perspective... and to see the progress you are making.
This is important because it will not always seem that way, but progress is still being gained.

I am sorry for the terrible things that happened to/were done to you.
Please do not see yourself as "damaged goods".
You are re-victimising yourself when you do that.
You survived something terrible and have emerged a stronger, wiser self.

Get the help you need and be open with your partner.

Best wishes and hopes-

edit: creative spelling



MistressEllen444 -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 9:23:48 AM)

to OP,
I have done a lot of volunteering with causes around women's abuse. I abhor any man who uses such destructive behaviors be it under the guise of BDSM or not. Abuse is not love in any form.
I would suggest that you consider seeking help from a support group that focuses on abused women and then consider volunteering yourself when you are stronger as a support resource. You will see that what has happened is not a lifestyle and not something everyone will inflict on you.
Your strength will return or you will find it where there was none before.
Time is your friend, don't rush.
It will not be easy but it is a path forward. You can't fix this overnight but you can focus on progressing forward.
and for the record, I do know that men suffer physical and emotional abuse. I try to provide as much as possible in a healthier setting!!




DarkSteven -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 2:50:56 PM)

OP, I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered before.

The situation you are now in sounds ideal. You have a Dom and he sounds like he is being patient with you. You simply need to be patient with yourself.

Give both of you the gift of letting him be in charge. Don't worry if you will be able to do X for him today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. Simply communicate to him when you're comfortable and when you're not, and let him set the lace. Don't worry about the pace of your submission.

Best of luck on a healthy relationship.



gungadin09 -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 3:30:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LO00604
I've been to shrinks, they give pills that turn me into a zombie. I would rather feel everything than not feel
at all.

Is there anyone else out there that has been through this? If so advice is welcome.


i sometimes feel like "damaged goods" myself, but i would never presume to compare my experiences to yours. i'm very sorry for what you went through. It sounds like you're in a much better place now. Thank goodness.

i can only say this: there are many different medications out there. Don't dismiss them all out of hand because the first ones didn't work, (or had bad side effects). Finding the right medication is a process of trial and error. i know this for a fact, having been on some form of antidepressant for most of the last 15 years. Good luck!

pam



FukinTroll -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 4:00:18 PM)

Get the soft silicon ear plugs and sunglasses. When you feel the "aura of panic" use them both.



vegetablelamb -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 4:09:29 PM)

I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you're in a better place; you deserve to be in a better position than the one you were in.

I agree about medications; I've been given a lot of things over the last couple of therapists, and I've taken to up front requesting medication as a very last result. The process is hard, but I personally want to exercise as much of my own self-help before I take anything; I didn't like how medications made me feel. Support and baby steps; I could see where I want to be but still have to reign things in to where I'm at at that moment, you know? Do what feels comfortable, be open and honest in communication, and test where you feel comfortable, but don't overwhelm yourself.

I hope things keep improving for you.



leadership527 -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 4:41:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LO00604
Is there anyone else out there that has been through this? If so advice is welcome.

My advice? My advice is that this is the life of a slave. You are either good enough and lucky enough to pick a good master or you are not. In either case the quality of life is going to be dramatically determined by that choice.

So... the advice... did you in fact learn something or not? If so, then you ought to focus on what you learned and how this new guy passed that test. That and give it time. Trust... real trust... takes time to develop. If you're both in it for the long-haul then there's no rush.



DesFIP -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 5:33:51 PM)

It can take up to six months to find the right meds and the right dosage that will help. Go see a psychiatrist or a psychopharmacologist for this, one with experience in treating PTSD. If they work but leave you feeling like a zombie, you may be on the right one but need to start at a much lower dosage and slowly work your way up to optimal level while getting therapy at the same time.



NuevaVida -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 5:38:06 PM)

I agree with the "Time is your friend" sentiment.  Lots of time, and move forward at a snail's pace.  Some things may just need to be put off the table for now.

I suffered post traumatic stress from past relationships.  This type of stress does not evaporate on its own.  Find a therapist who can help you process the trauma without drugs - they do exist.  I am two years into my relationship and still, on occasion, feel like a walking land mine.  I had a serious melt down over simply being kidded with about the way I loaded his dishwasher (loading it "incorrectly" in the past did not bode well for me).  So he instructed me to NOT load the dishwasher, until it no longer felt like a danger zone.  Now I can load it no problem and take the ribbing that sometimes comes with it, too.  It was a matter of time, feeling emotionally safe, and processing my feelings.

The key is, you need to feel emotionally safe.  That can take a long time for a person with such traumas.  Learn from the past and listen to those lessons.  Forgive yourself.  Don't beat yourself up for having been treated like that.  As I once told my owner, "I'm not going to apologize for being abused, but I *am* sorry it's affecting you, too."  Pay attention to the surges of panic that will come up, and recognize what they are.  It's ok to be scared - that's you, protecting yourself from putting yourself into that situation again.  Just keep your eyes and ears open, and be aware of what you're seeing, thinking and feeling.

Best wishes to you.



January -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 6:10:34 PM)

Hi,

How long has it been since your abuser passed away?

I think you need to simply enjoy being yourself, and regain your strength, before you worry about making your new Dom happy. Have him as a friend, a supporter, but not a Dom.

Perhaps he is patient, or perhaps he just says he is patient, or you hope he'll be patient. If the things he wants you to do are inducing flashbacks, this is your mind telling you to be careful. Maybe your reactions are out of line. I don't know. But don't ignore these warnings just because you want security and happiness.

You need to slow down, heal yourself, and stop seeking safety in a man, until you are whole. As long as you think your abuser was a Dom, you are in no shape to embrace D/s.

January



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: aim to please (3/7/2011 6:52:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LO00604

... advice is welcome.



1)  When paniced/scared, try as best you can to remind yourself that this man is not the one who abused you, while also reminding yourself that BDSM is not an excuse for abuse -- to help ensure you break any cycle of abuse.

2)  Talk... Talk... TALK to your Dom should anything panic/scare you -- the worst thing many on the s-side of the slash do is to say nothing!!!  Remember, he can't read your mind, and should appreciate your sharing your feelings/worries with him, so that he can help you address them.

3)  Have faith that, with time and stability, anxiety and fear will subside -- and also remind your Dom of this... that if he truly loves and cares for you, that you need his help in providing a stable/loving foundation for which you can heal in order to become the best sub/slave for him.

I hope this helps... and I'm very sorry for all you've endured.  =(




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