stellauk
Posts: 1360
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Okay.. so where do we start?
Maybe at the start.. the fighting. This has got to stop. Each fight undermines the relationship. Each time you fight there is a conflict, each conflict can only be resolved by one person being right, and the other person being wrong. Someone always gets hurt, someone is always degraded, and the relationship is weakened as a result.
People in relationships think things through, they talk, they discuss, and they talk again, because this is what keeps people together in a relationship. It doesn't matter whether it's a 'nilla marriage, a Master-slave dynamic, people talk, talk and talk. Communication.
That is, of course, dependent on how much you really want to be with someone and how happy and fulfilled the relationship makes you feel. People change over the course of time, especially in a long term relationship, and how they change isn't always known ahead of time. When they change, it changes the way the other person relates to that person and so the relationship changes. The longer the projected or shared objective the relationship, the more likely the change.
In any sort of relationship there's more than enough feelings and love and stuff to go around. That's why a relationship exists isn't it? To bring happiness to two people. If you can think, keep an open mind, and communicate, then why the need to fight? Why the need to harbour fears?
If you love someone, then you need to accept that sometimes for whatever reason - life for example - relationships may not always last and you may need to let go of that person. Are you prepared to lose that person? Not trying to be pessimistic here, just realistic. Relationships don't usually come with warranties, you can't get insurance on them, and there's an element of risk involved.
I'm actually sitting here interested in knowing how you two got together, how long you spent in each other's company before deciding on a relationship, how long it took from first meeting to setting up and agreeing on some sort of dynamic. I think this information would shed quite a bit of light on the situation.
First thing is, it doesn't matter where you stand in a dynamic you need to be able to feel it and feel it with that other person. If it's just a case of dominant meet submissive and getting it together there'd be far far less profiles on the other side and a lot more happy people around. But this isn't how it works out in reality. It's not about dom and sub coming together, it's about the right dom coming together with the right sub.
Switching makes it even more complicated. If you feel dominant towards someone and that's how it's developed it can be difficult to change over and submit to them. It's possible of course, but it might not feel the same or bring the right degree of fulfillment and happiness. And when all is said and done, this is all what all this is about, isn't it? Fulfillment, pleasure, happiness.
The other thing is, you explain that you are jealous and insecure because of things which have happened in your past. And? So? What are you doing to address these issues? Anything? Where does the responsibility start with these insecurity issues, and where does it end?
You see there's two ways of looking at this. On the one hand you can post as you have out of fear, and fight, and run the risk of losing the relationship, letting your insecurity issues influence the way you think and feel, and end up with the issues owning you rather than the other way round.
But then on the other hand, wouldn't this be a wonderful opportunity to confront those issues once and for all, try to get to grips with them, own them, and maybe get in some personal development out of it together with some experience. Sure, you could lose the relationship, but if you do, you will have gained because you could end up in a better emotional state than you were at the start.
Thing is about fear, it's nothing other than a lack of knowledge or understanding of something you have not yet experienced. As for insecurity, this is just a fear of letting go, which maybe points to some self-esteem issues or something which affects your self-confidence. What is it? Do you know? What are you doing about it?
You see you can look at this from another different perspective, taking into account this insecurity, this jealousy, and see it for what it is, emotional neediness. This isn't the free and easy give take sort of love, but a need to be loved, a demanding love, and then when you see it like that it kind of turns the whole dynamic upside down where Daddy dom is being manipulated by his submissive who is needy and insecure. This might not be how it looks in reality, but this is how it can appear to someone looking in from the outside.
Who is really in control here? Is it Daddy? Is it you? Or is it your issues with jealousy and insecurity?
Can you not see how these issues could be affecting, or even threatening the relationship? In fact having read both profiles I would strongly advise you both to sit down and work out a more solid basis for a relationship between the two of you before even considering bringing a third person into the relationship. I get the feeling you're not giving us the complete picture here, you can't get any sense of a complete picture from the profiles and so I assume you both aren't giving each other the complete picture. I suspect the issues are affecting your relationship to the degree of making him feel insecure and unsure. I could be wrong, but I'm not discounting it as a possibility.
Whether the relationship can be saved, restored, repaired depends on how much you two want to be together, how much you are prepared to work at being together, how much you are prepared to talk things through and transform what is discussed into attitudes and actions.
But one thing for sure is you need to work on yourself and your issues, particularly your self-confidence and insecurity and somehow get a better sense of your own self-worth and self-esteem. You need to get away from needing to be loved and work towards the general direction of choosing to be loved. You need to develop the courage to love someone knowing that they could walk away. Otherwise you're just going to end up being caught up in cycles of difficult or less than fulfilling relationships and having the sort of problems as the one which brought you here.
The other thing about insecurity is that the big picture is always scary, you need to break things down into small chunks. You're in your mid-20's, attractive, you have an endearing smile, and you have the rest of your life out there before you ready to be lived. The 'home sweet home', white picket fence and settling down will come in its own time, and you will have plenty of time to practise grunting and preparing for old age in your 40's.
It's not the relationships you decide at the start which are the ones which last, but the ones where you wake up one morning and realize you've been sleeping beside the same person for the past 15 years.
I hope that whatever happens it works out for you, but if it doesn't then maybe it's time to take a bit of time out, have a bit of 'me' time, build yourself up a bit and go towards a better relationship as a stronger and better person for the experience.
Oh and anyone can tell you that they love you. You need someone beside you who loves you the way in which you can feel. But first I strongly suspect you need to find a way of loving yourself and getting over all those insecurity issues.
_____________________________
Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.
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