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Hi - 3/8/2011 6:17:08 AM

terrierbecca

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/22/2010
Status: offline

I know this may sound bad and wrong and everything but do any of you guys have trouble trusting your Master for no reason? If so how do you get passed it?

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 6:27:21 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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There IS a reason. It may not have to do with him or what he's doing, but it's there.

The best way to get past it is to understand where it's coming from. Do you know that? Were you previously dumped and are having flashbacks to then?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 6:38:46 AM

terrierbecca

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/22/2010
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I have been just left before by others and it was heart breaking.
The problem is though He is nothing like that He is not like that I love Him deeply but when I wake up in the morning I am terrierfied that He will leave He hates the fact I fill like this He wants me to trust Him and I want to trust Him I know I am His but still...

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 7:16:41 AM

vegetablelamb

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/29/2010
From: The Cabbage Patch
Status: offline

Trust is a funny thing; I hope you and your Dom have the patience and understanding to accept that it's not exactly a switch to be flipped on or off. Reassurance of yourselves, each other, and the relationship as a whole can help, even if it's just saying it out loud. Power of positive thinking or something.

I wish you luck. :)

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 10:29:10 AM

terrierbecca

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Joined: 6/22/2010
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Thank you

(in reply to vegetablelamb)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 12:30:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He could try reminding you, when you get like this, that he isn't your ex. And it helps if you get held a lot. But beyond that, you don't know that he might not walk out on you. People abandon partners every day. The only real way to build trust is to see him there every day and build a history of knowing he was there yesterday and the day before. But the kind of history needed takes more than a few weeks or months, closer to a few years.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 12:42:56 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I find it useful to view trust as a transactionally based emotion. In other words, when someone gives you something that is valuable to you, it builds up your trust in them. Every time that they show that they care and they do something that you experience in a positive way, it leaves behind a small deposit of trust. Trust takes time. Each small deposit keeps adding up until at some point you realize that you believe in that person because of their history with you and the (emotional) things they've given you. That's when you trust them.

I wouldn't worry about this and try to rush it, you really need to have some time for it to build.

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 7:20:38 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
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How long since you were last dumped?

How long have you been with your current?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 8:49:11 PM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

I have issues with trusting people period, for similar reasons. I'm transgendered and very wary of approaching people, especially unfamiliar people, who are cisgendered, for obvious reasons.

I have got round this by something lizi mentioned - I see trust as transactional and what I call my 'keys and doors' way of thinking. Doors open, doors close, some doors are locked, and access through those doors require keys.

But then again I also work on myself, because when all is said and done, these trust issues are my issues. I work on developing emotional detachment, non-attachment and try to discipline myself from not overreacting or overresponding. It also helps to learn to let go and to somehow become more self-reliant for my own emotional needs and stability.

Trust isn't just about trusting other people, it's also pretty much about learning to trust yourself and inspiring confidence in yourself through finding ways of being able to interact with other people so it isn't an issue. Sometimes I forget and sometimes I can be my own worst enemy, and if I become too attached or dwell on things too much I can torture myself probably far better than most emotional sadists. Problem is of course, I'm not that much into emotional masochism.

I also try to break things down, live in the present, try not to become too attached to the past or the future. I try and develop compensation strategies. Usually when something starts I sometimes either need a lot of convincing that it's going to develop, or worse still, I panic and start becoming needy. This is when I start to seek to detach. I'm now getting better at this, having been helped by someone here on the boards in PM who will remain always dear and close to me. I'm also pretty much now easy come easy go. It's not the separations that are important, but the interest they showed and the attempts they made.

I've given up on the assumption that I will ever find myself in some sort of relationship ever again. I've put more importance into my friendships, and I require friendship and day to day contact for anything to go further. It is as lizi says something which takes time to develop, to build, and it is transactional. I'm okay, I'm not alone, I have friends, and my friends have a special significance for me. It might happen, it might not.

I will cross that bridge when I see it at my feet.

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/8/2011 10:18:34 PM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
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Time, time, time and more time. Every day he is still around is another day you are reassured that he will not leave. It may take years for you to be fully accepting of that but in the mean time I hope both of you will be very kind about it. You need to be constantly told that you are valued and that he is not going anywhere. Don't feel badly for having that need and don't feel like it's reasonable to try and force yourself to trust your Dom because he wants you to. That will take work on his part and yours.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

(in reply to stellauk)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 1:08:50 AM

phoenixmoonn13

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i had a few issues left over from my marrage and although i had no issues with trust but other things and master was very understtanding about my reactions to certain things and it took a over a year but they have now gone.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 7:55:07 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
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I've had similar problems when entering relationships as the submissive partner. I don't know if I ever overcame the 'fear' of being dumped, I think instead I learned to accept, and even enjoy the fact that life is ever changing, and while people will come and go, it doesn't mean I can't put my whole heart and energy into enjoying the good times we have with them, be it for a few months, a few years, or a few decades.
If you're too busy worrying what lies ahead, you aren't spending enough time enjoying the present.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 8:55:40 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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It takes time to build trust. I have been with Mastetr 5 years . Now i trust him with my life anf heart. No it did not happen overnight. It is good you have an understanding Master. Talk to him. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? I know it is baggage from a past relationship. He is not the guy that hurt you just keep reminding youself of that. Total and compleate trust will come in time if he proves to be the man that you say he is.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 9:04:12 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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Stella had some great points.

The best way to deal with trust issues is to have no expectations of people and don't reveal too much to anyone.

When people show up for you, you can start to perhaps gain trust, but really, anyone can turn on you, any time, even after many years.

The trick is to not let it hurt you after the first time.

(in reply to littleone35)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 4:12:23 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Master earned it with me. He showed me he was the most trustworthy man on the planet that I have ever met. I trust him completely with my absolute life because I've yet to find a reason to NOT trust him.

You have to ask yourself why you don't trust your Dom.

(in reply to sexyred1)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 4:22:17 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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As others have said, my own impression is that trust is earned through a long series of trustworthy actions. For the most part I believe that we get the trust we deserve. So the answer to "how did we get past it" is "By me being demonstrating sufficient worthiness over sufficient time." Only Carol can determine what is "sufficient" although on really rare occasions I have been offended when I felt that I'd earned more trust than what she was demonstrating.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/9/2011 9:00:22 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

Master earned it with me. He showed me he was the most trustworthy man on the planet that I have ever met. I trust him completely with my absolute life because I've yet to find a reason to NOT trust him.

Cripes. No pressure there. That poor sucker. :-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: Hi - 3/11/2011 2:36:37 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: terrierbecca

...trouble trusting your Master for no reason... how do you get passed it?

By talking to him about it.

Good Luck.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to terrierbecca)

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RE: Hi - 3/11/2011 3:22:47 PM

sirssubk2008

Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: terrierbecca

...trouble trusting your Master for no reason... how do you get passed it?

By talking to him about it.

Good Luck.

^^^^ always a good idea... It is possible that he can help you to determine where the problem lies and can help you through it. It's also important to talk to him because if you don't then you are not being honest with him and that can be very detrimental to the relationsip. (IMO)

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

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RE: Hi - 3/11/2011 4:15:39 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

Master earned it with me. He showed me he was the most trustworthy man on the planet that I have ever met. I trust him completely with my absolute life because I've yet to find a reason to NOT trust him.

Cripes. No pressure there. That poor sucker. :-)

Technically speaking, she'd be the "sucker", where he'd be the "suckee".