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RE: Help me please :) - 3/8/2011 1:35:53 PM

DarkSteven

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Hi there, Colin!

The ideal situation is one in which your wife can meet your needs. So you need to go to her and tell her truthfully that you find the idea of being Dominated hot, and would like her to give it a try with you. If she does it, keep in mind that her first time will not match up to an experienced professional - encourage her and help her grow into it.

Good luck. And welcome to collarme.

Any of that popcorn left?

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/8/2011 5:38:32 PM

enchantedalice

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Sorry I don't think I can help you; however, best of luck!

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/8/2011 7:32:35 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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Welcome to CM and the boards. First things first, the advice Otter gave you is some of the best, as is that your received from Hlen. We truly aren't big on cheating spouses here. I speak from experience in saying that I'd rather have been left with a reason than just left with no explanation or even cheated on repeatedly.

Both you and your wife deserve better. Her, to be able to find someone she'll be able to trust and you to find where you think your joy lies in life. Good luck.

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/9/2011 4:40:57 AM

January

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quote:

Also happy to call and email, so everything is open to help me getting the relationship I want.

Everything except maturity and responsibility, evidently. Entitlement with a side of cheating? Just plain pisses me off. I've seen this sort of request for "advice" (as we are being ordered to keep negative comments to ourselves) too often on CM.

And mods, given the nature of the OP's post, it really isn't an introduction. It's a plea for help. I think it belongs in some discussion section. That's why I'm not welcoming him a second time.

January

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/9/2011 11:07:21 AM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Any of that popcorn left?

you are way too late mister

in fact so late that I can't even pretend now anymore that you said what I was about to say

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/10/2011 5:43:58 AM

OohAahMrs

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Welcome Col, hope you can get something out of this.

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/11/2011 5:31:53 PM

ColinIndo

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Thanks so much for the positive replies.
I don't want to be a bad guy, and I can understand most of the negative comments.
My problem comes from spending my life as a very shy guy, and finding it difficult to communicate with anyone, hence my use of forums.
I get upset when people who have obviously spent a lot of time in this life feel the need to hammer my attitude here without really understanding my background or my needs.
The last thing I ever wanted to do on this earth was upset my wife, but sometimes the needs outweigh common sense (or to put it more crudely, a hard-on will always control the brain), and that is my limited experience. I don't like doing what I do, but it is uncontrollable as far as I am concerned. That is why I spoke to this forum, so that I can hopefully learn how to deal with this, or to forget it completely (not much chance of that) and go back to a 'vanilla' life.
If i find what I want, the first thing I will do is ensure my wife is protected, and explain my lifestyle to her.
Its a biological event, not a simple crazy decision I have made on a whim, so please ease up with the negativity!
Thanks again for the support.
Colin.

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/11/2011 7:37:26 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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Unfortunately, you're right, a lot of men let their hard on control the brain. It's up to a grown man to make sure the brain that's led is the one in the big head not the little head. We, as women, expect that behavior from hormonal teenage boys, not a adult. Maybe we expect too much? Which is why you're being given what you consider a hard time here. It's entirely up to you to control your "urges" and be faithful or at least tell your wife you can't be. She deserves the truth at the very least. And I'm not trying to be mean, this is the opinion of one woman in this great big world.

I've been cheated on enough times to know how badly it hurts, cuz I always, every single time, found out. I put myself in as the "other woman" a few times but that stopped when I realized that even if the wife or g/f or SO didn't know she deserved better from another woman. And I couldn't live with myself either, there was a lot of guilt that I wasn't willing to live with. And no, this isn't coming from a woman with a low sex-drive, quite to the contrary.

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/11/2011 8:42:59 PM

chiaThePet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ColinIndo

a hard-on will always control the brain

I love it when they blow my mind!

chia* (the pet)

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You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/11/2011 9:29:27 PM

OttersSwim

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ColinIndo

Thanks so much for the positive replies.
I don't want to be a bad guy, and I can understand most of the negative comments.
My problem comes from spending my life as a very shy guy, and finding it difficult to communicate with anyone, hence my use of forums.
I get upset when people who have obviously spent a lot of time in this life feel the need to hammer my attitude here without really understanding my background or my needs.
The last thing I ever wanted to do on this earth was upset my wife, but sometimes the needs outweigh common sense (or to put it more crudely, a hard-on will always control the brain), and that is my limited experience. I don't like doing what I do, but it is uncontrollable as far as I am concerned. That is why I spoke to this forum, so that I can hopefully learn how to deal with this, or to forget it completely (not much chance of that) and go back to a 'vanilla' life.
If i find what I want, the first thing I will do is ensure my wife is protected, and explain my lifestyle to her.
Its a biological event, not a simple crazy decision I have made on a whim, so please ease up with the negativity!
Thanks again for the support.
Colin.

Colin...no, it is not just a biological event and I don't think you should be giving yourself the pass on it.

Take 2 social taboos:

Crossdressing/Transgenderism

BDSM

Add one Marriage

Mix in a partner who does not know about either
Fold in one or two incidents of Cheating (betrayal of trust, broken vows, etc.) with intent or exploration or whatever you want to call it

Click
Your foot is now depressed on a landmine..

You are in a trap that you have almost no chance of getting out of without a nuclear explosion in your relationship, your life, your world.

I have seen this multiple times with people in marriages where they feel their feminine side/encounter transgenderism and want to explore kink.
They come into these internet forums and they always ask for "discretion". Because there is often someone out there that they are betraying or about to betray...someone who knows nothing about this side of them.

Telling a spouse about feminine leanings is hard enough.
Adding kink into that is a one-two punch.
Add further that you cheated to get what you wanted and it is almost certain to end in tears and lawyers.

And I can see how it is possible to justify yourself right into that Click and find yourself in that trap of now not being able to tell your spouse without everything going boom.

We are not always in a place where we can act with integrity in our lives. As I said before, I understand that...but I will encourage you to not take the pass. Even with variances in culture - I still think this is very serious.

Act with integrity from this point forward. Things may still end in tears, but at least you will be in charge of your own destiny and not be in a terrible trap that you can never get out of without loosing a lot.

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 3/11/2011 9:30:34 PM >

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/11/2011 10:41:45 PM

MaamJay

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Hello colin

Welcome to the boards. No one's actually explained that the first 3 posts (re popcorn etc) are a part of the mix here, if you read more threads you'll find quite a few where these sorts of asides occur. It's not necessarily negatively meant to the OP.

However, otter and others have quite rightly pointed out that many take a dim view of cheating and you've said you can understand that. And most people tend to assess things from their own viewpoint, that's just part of seeking opinions. Try not to take it so personally ... but do listen to wise counsel (and otter is definitely one of the wise ones here!).

I have been in a similar position to you ... My hubby was overseas frequently following his own interests and I was flirting around online (never expecting to take anything further) when I discovered bdsm and thought WOW so this is who I am! I did try to tell him about it via online chat but he paid so little attention (as usual I might add) that it simply didn't sink in that this was something real and serious. I even scened online with a sub with hub as part of the conversation ... he didn't say much and I found out later he was watching motorbike racing on TV at the time! He chose to extend his stay overseas to suit himself, leaving Me in a bit of a hole, so when the opportunity arose to play a bit in real (no sex though) ... I took it. Though I didn't feel very good about it after. When he returned I did sit him down and told him about it all, he brushed it off. It wasn't easy to do, that I know. I wrote out what I wanted to say a few times so I had formed some words in My head, though I didn't read it out at the time, those phrases were there. Another option is to write it out and ask your wife to read it ... and say you'll be in the next room to talk about it after. For various reasons (this was only a small part!) hubby and I broke up (for the 2nd time) and I was preparing to move on when one day he asked Me to go with him to a park to take the dogs for a walk together and he asked Me to explain again about bdsm. This time he actually listened and asked questions and we walked so far we had to buy the dogs an icecream to give them strength to make it back to the cars LOL! A couple of weeks later I came home to find him naked and kneeling in the hallway! Bit of a shock ... and he begged Me to take him back and take him on as My sub. It took him all evening to convince Me he was for real and for Me to lay out the new way things would be - it would be poly and if my sub side found the right Master He would come to live with us (with sex, we'd all have tests), I would be able to play with other subs (but no sex) etc etc to which he agreed. I had some misgivings in My heart but I hoped this totally new way of living would be the key for him to become the person he had said right from the start he wanted to be (he had more self-help books and tapes than your average guru and went to lots of programs but didn't actuate much real change). A new phase of life began!

Wish I could say it had a fairytale ending but it didn't. I did find a Master (and I am still with Him 7 years on) but hub was just too selfish and wanting his own way to ever be a sub. This last self-help program failed too! So we split (for the 3rd and final time!) after about 3 years of trying. At least we are still friendly enough to chat online ... and he has just told Me about his new partner, a pre-op TG! Kinda different for a straight crossdresser but if he's happy ... that's all good with Me!

So colin, that's one person's journey through a world similar to the one in which you now find yourself. Maybe that will help you feel less alone. I do urge you to be honest with yourself and others. You will never know what your wife's reaction will be until you tell her ... if you seriously think she might become violent, hide the knives! Have the tissues on hand ... tears are more likely! If she thinks she might want to try Dominating you have a useful book (such as When someone you love is kinky ... I think that's the title! or The Loving Dominant is another good one) on hand. Good luck.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]
PS Edited to add: I have met several people who have tried to give this up and return to vanilla ... with total lack of success! Seems once this door is opened it's pretty impossible to shut and keep it shut without a huge sense of loss.

< Message edited by MaamJay -- 3/11/2011 10:43:08 PM >

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/12/2011 12:41:20 PM

SthrnCom4t

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Believe it or not, you are not unique :)
There are many of us, who have been in long term vanilla relationships, who have 'woken up' when we stumbled into the awareness of power exchange. Welcome to the dark side:)

You think you are getting some negativity because we don't understand your needs.....ummmm, sorry, you're a little off base here. More like, it's because many have been where you are, went through HELL and BACK, hurt people we loved, blew up our neat little vanilla lives, and lived to tell about it.

Now, the tolerance for lack of integrity, being ruled by 'hormonal urges', etc, is just viewed as a poor excuse.

Otter is one of the few people who lived in a sexless marriage for almost a decade, kept his honor and integrity, and 'went to sleep' for quite a while because he stuffed his own needs rather than cheat. They communicated, they came to an impasse, and they made the best of a marriage. It was a joint decision, even as it was an impasse. Guess what? Eventually, the soul doesn't let you sleep anymore. The soul (not your hard-on) will require you to seek your truth.

I was one of those that didn't go to sleep. I cheated on my spouse. I walked myself right out onto a peninsula surrounded by very steep cliffs on all sides. You can't turn back time, and I couldn't walk backward. Closing the door and forgetting kink wasn't an option. Having that talk with my spouse/jumping off the cliff was the hardest thing I've done in my life. It was like taking a hammer to the head of an trusting, innocent, furry bunny. But, before that, I tried to find a way off the cliff........for about 7 months, and put myself in enough emotional pain I could have been diagnosed with severe depression. You can't leave your conscious behind. It will have an effect on every aspect of your life.

Eventually, you will figure this out for yourself. You have come to a place in your soul path where you are forced to make some serious choices that will be major life lessons. Late 40s/early 50s......welcome :)

You have the power to make choices and changes which will eventually bring you happiness. It is a tricky path, with a lot of temptation. Right now you're in the metaphorical tar pit and you feel trapped; like there is no good option. Take all the time you need to look around, with the understanding that life is not really standing still.

Handle the fire with care.

People here are not 'holier than thou' or 'better', even if it comes across that way. What they are is experienced; having lived through some perspective of what you are currently dealing with.

Good luck!

quote:

ORIGINAL: ColinIndo

Thanks so much for the positive replies.
I don't want to be a bad guy, and I can understand most of the negative comments.
My problem comes from spending my life as a very shy guy, and finding it difficult to communicate with anyone, hence my use of forums.
I get upset when people who have obviously spent a lot of time in this life feel the need to hammer my attitude here without really understanding my background or my needs.
The last thing I ever wanted to do on this earth was upset my wife, but sometimes the needs outweigh common sense (or to put it more crudely, a hard-on will always control the brain), and that is my limited experience. I don't like doing what I do, but it is uncontrollable as far as I am concerned. That is why I spoke to this forum, so that I can hopefully learn how to deal with this, or to forget it completely (not much chance of that) and go back to a 'vanilla' life.
If i find what I want, the first thing I will do is ensure my wife is protected, and explain my lifestyle to her.
Its a biological event, not a simple crazy decision I have made on a whim, so please ease up with the negativity!
Thanks again for the support.
Colin.

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Sthrn
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'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

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RE: Help me please :) - 3/17/2011 10:35:07 PM

ColinIndo

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Wow ...I am delighted to see so many positive replies coming through now, so thanks for that. Initially I was very worried that I was such a bad guy. Now I can accept that maybe I haven't done the right thing, but maybe I couldn't help it. I still have time to make amends and I will try hard to do that. Even if I have already spoiled my relationship with my wife, I can at least move on in the hope that I can still enjoy what remains of my life without being ashamed of myself.

Thanks again all, for all the comments, good and bad :)

I hope to keep in touch here so maybe catch you all sometime soon :)

Colin.

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