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Proprietrix -> RE: chastity (5/6/2006 1:46:19 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TeeGO
I have a question. Actually something I struggle with. I've been masterbating several times a day for most of my life. A very ingrained habit. Many months ago my Domme was starting to work with me on orgasm control. It was very hard. I almost always failed to hold myself. Usually after 5-10 days I would be in a half slumber state or my mind was wandering and would get myself aroused and would reach a point of where I could turn back, but wouldn't. Then I'd fail and feel guilty. She wanted me to arouse myself several times a day but I needed to stop before orgasm. I often though a Chastity device would help in my moments of weakness as I would not be trying to escape, just looking for help in contorlling this. I know the day will come when I will be dennied again. I fear I'll not be able to control this even though I truly want to obey, it's so frustrating.
What am I missing if a chastity device is not the answer?
Teego,
I wanted to reply to this post. Of course, everyone maintains their own relationships differently, and I'm not here to judge your Domme, by any means, but this sentence, piqued my interest.
quote:
She wanted me to arouse myself several times a day but I needed to stop before orgasm.
It would seem to me in training someone to become more chaste, removing stimulation, rather than encouraging it, would be more productive.
When people are dieting and learning healthy eating habits, we do not entice them and encourage them to spend time in front of the doughnut counter, or have them linger over a steaming pizza.
or as another example...
If I am trying to quit smoking, I'm not going to buy a pack of cigarettes, take one out and smell it, light it, and watch the smoke rise from the ashtray. That would likely frustrate me to the point of either just pissing me off, or more likely, I'd pick up the damn thing and smoke it. If I'm going to try to quit smoking, in the beginning especially, I need to be as far, far away from cigarettes as possible.
To tell someone "I don't want you to do this activity, but I want you to put yourself on the brink of this activity." can very well be defeating.
Now, it may be that your Lady wasn't trying to achieve the goal of chastity, but rather sexual frustration. If so, she had a good method. But even then, I feel that goal should be honestly stated, so all parties are aware of what is going on, and what the possible consequences could be.
As you stated, the end result was feelings of guilt, weakness, and inability to obey. None of those are feelings I would want to instill in my boy, and I would guess those aren't the feelings she wanted to instill in you.
You asked if not a device, than what answer. For me, it would be a total reconstruction of the method of training. If I wanted a chaste boy, I would not have him engaged in sexually arousing himself several times a day. Although some might consider this a technique for building inner strength, restistance, will, or self-control; I see it (especially with a beginner!) as nothing more than setting someone up for failure. I would, in fact, have him removing as much stimulation as possible until he and I had a grip on his desires.
I would choose a technique of gradually tapering down his orgasms. If you were accustomed to 3 per day, I'd first take it down to one per day, and maybe add the condition that it were done in a certain manner, or at a certain time or place, or only in my presence. Once that goal was achieved, I'd take it down to every other day, then twice a week, then once a week, and so on, until the ultimate goal was reached.
And that ultimate goal would be different for each boy, depending on his chemistry. For a submissive with a low sex drive in the first place, the goal might be once every six months in a romantic setting with me. For someone like yourself, the goal might simply be "You can do it once a week, in my presence, with permission."
I firmly believe in starting slow and taking baby steps when it comes to lifestyle changes. And learning chastity is a lifestyle change. With smaller steps, smaller goals, and benchmarks, the person going through that change will have more smaller successes. Each success builds a little bit more self-esteem and discipline to meet the next goal. Giving someone a goal they cannot be expected to meet without guidance and instruction, leads to more failures, and lower self-esteem. Saying to someone "Not only do I want you to make the change of not masturbating as you've been used to for 30 years, but I also want you to arouse yourself more." seems to me, only setting you up for those failures instead of successes.
Regardless of the training method used, communication is vital. If I were training a boy to be chaste who was used to getting laid every night, it would raise flags for me if after 3 days he still hadn't called me and said "This is driving me crazy!" I would wonder if he was sneaking to tide him over. Many Dominant women are well prepared to hear the "I can't take it! WHEN????" Some women even immensly enjoy that part of chastity training. But we too must also be prepared to hear things like "I did it. I'm sorry. I feel guilty." and if we realize we are hearing that kind of statement way too often, it is not our submissive we should be punishing, but rather re-thinking our strategy and techniques of teaching.
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