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I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 5:00:46 PM   
NewCuckBoy


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/23/2011
Status: offline 		But she has poor confidence. She's my fiancee, she's quite controlling in our daily life (we have a vanilla relationship), she likes being pampered and waited on. Sexually she's pretty into receiving oral and neglecting to return the favor, she likes teasing my cock a bit, playing with it roughly and squeezing it, but it's never been an official she's in control kind of thing...... Once I hinted at wanting her to have more control with my cock and she mentioned she was "too much of a wuss to be that controlling".

How can I help her have more confidence so she's more adventurous? Aside from what I've mentioned she does infact have low confidence, gets in the way of other things. I just want to help her feel better about herself.... and if consiquently it lets her feel more up to being more dominant in bed, well that's amazing. But yeah, what ways might I help her feel wonderful about herself? Thanks.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 5:21:18 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewCuckBoy

But she has poor confidence. She's my fiancee, she's quite controlling in our daily life (we have a vanilla relationship), she likes being pampered and waited on. Sexually she's pretty into receiving oral and neglecting to return the favor, she likes teasing my cock a bit, playing with it roughly and squeezing it, but it's never been an official she's in control kind of thing...... Once I hinted at wanting her to have more control with my cock and she mentioned she was "too much of a wuss to be that controlling".


What you might not realize is, she is doing exactly what she wants, and not
doing anything she doesnt. Id call that pretty controlling.


quote:

I just want to help her feel better about herself....

I can't figure out how her not wanting to be more controlling with your
cock makes her feel bad about herself? Are you absolutely certain this isnt all
about YOUR needs?
You are about to commit to spending the rest of your life with her, yet can
only hint about what you wish she would do with your cock?
Communication is great foreplay!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 5:26:19 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewCuckBoy

she has poor confidence........................... she does infact have low confidence, gets in the way of other things.


Could you explain what leads you to believe she has confidence issues?

quote:


She's my fiancee, she's quite controlling in our daily life (we have a vanilla relationship), she likes being pampered and waited on. Sexually she's pretty into receiving oral and neglecting to return the favor, she likes teasing my cock a bit, playing with it roughly and squeezing it, but it's never been an official she's in control kind of thing...... Once I hinted at wanting her to have more control with my cock and she mentioned she was "too much of a wuss to be that controlling".


Does she act this way and do these things to please herself or to please you? You say you have a "vanilla relationship"...is she aware of you interest in having it be something more or have you just been trying to make suggestions and attempting to lead her into a more dominant/top role?


quote:


How can I help her have more confidence so she's more adventurous?..................I just want to help her feel better about herself.... and if consiquently it lets her feel more up to being more dominant in bed, well that's amazing. But yeah, what ways might I help her feel wonderful about herself? Thanks.


Sorry, this all seems like a loaded question. Is your goal to help her feel "wonerful about herself" even if it means she won't be as controlling as you would like? What if she's only comfortable with topping once in a while instead of being dominant?

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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 9:14:09 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		She's happy with the way she's Dominating you.  That's one way you can make her more confident.  Keep in mind, the more confident she is, the more satisfied she will be by getting her own needs met.  You're doing your part by making your desires known, and she's doing her part by doing what she wants after thinking about it.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 9:29:12 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Confidence comes from within. You can't help her grow it. I am not sure that I agree that dominance is the same thing as selfishness and what you describe is selfishness in my opinion.

To go into a marriage, planning/hoping for a change in someone just seems to be a bad idea.

When you say you want to help her feel more confident, you mention what effect that could have. You sure about that? I would suggest you really look at this for a couple of reasons. Wanting someone to feel more confident for themselves, so that they feel better about themselves is one thing and a nice thing... but wanting someone to feel better about themselves so that you get something out of it... isn't nice. That too is selfish. Check your motive and check what you assume the result would be. I happen to think you are wrong in your assessment. Confidence never made me want to play with or suck a cock I didn't already want to play with or suck. If she isn't doing it now... she most likely won't do it later when the confidence is better. You either like the cock and wish to tease and please it or you don't... it has nothing really to do with confidence.

I'd be rethinking that marriage thing unless you like pain, suffering and drama... and none of it the good kind.


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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 10:57:23 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Wow! You are all being a lot nicer than I was going to be.

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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 11:36:59 PM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline 		Maybe it's me but I'm somewhat confused here. You say that your fiancee has poor confidence and then you start to describe your intimate relationship and then what she does with your cock, and then about your wish for her to be more controlling of your cock.

Is there some sort of connection between your fiancee's poor confidence and your cock? I somehow don't see or understand the relationship.

What is the real issue here? Your fiancee's poor confidence? Or the fact that she's not fitting in with your expectations of what she should be doing with your cock and behaving in the bedroom?

Maybe there is, but if so it might be because you're showing disappointment, frustration, whatever with how she's playing with your cock and that might be making her feel inadequate, insecure and affecting her confidence.

So instead of sitting down with her, talking to her and trying to find out why she has poor confidence and trying to work out the issue together you have to come onto a message board, post something that's really intimate and private as an example and ask us how we can inspire her to be more confident so she can be more adventurous with your cock. Yes?

Sorry to disappoint you, but I think the issue here isn't your fiancee's poor confidence, but your issues with your own masculinity and inadequacies in being able to fit in with thinking or behaviour appropriate for a heterosexual male which is compatible with developing a long term heterosexual relationship with a woman.

You are putting too much emphasis in the relationship on your cock and seem to have a deluded sense of masculine social privilege. I don't even want to imagine what brought you here and what responses you anticipated getting.

You are a slave to your cock, you listen to it too much, pay too much attention to it. This is what is giving you that deluded sense of male privilege and male machismo. It takes over your mind.

It has given you a distorted perception of BDSM and what all this is really about. You think we are falling for your blathering about your fiancee's poor confidence and her being controlling and your fake earnestness in trying to find out how to get her to be more dominant.

But we can it. You are a slave to your cock and you want us to advise you how you can manipulate your fiancee into also becoming a slave to your cock whilst deluding her into thinking she is in control.

These types of relationship you find here are no different to vanilla ones. It's all in the mind. You have complete control of your mind. Success in any sort of relationship requires you freeing yourself from the bondage of your cock and instead of being its slave, becoming its Master. You need to be able to discriminate when to pay attention to your cock and when to ignore it.

This is a rite of passage for every man and it is part of the process of a man embracing his inner masculinity and becoming comfortable with it.

It may not inspire your fiancee to become more confident, because she has to want to be more confident herself and it comes from within. But you freeing yourself from your cock enslavement and embracing your inner masculinity should change her perception of you and perhaps lead her to feel less inadequate in bedroom matters. When you give more priority to her in the relationship than your cock it might remove any feelings of insecurity or inadequacy she is feeling.

Also, instead of trying to resolve the issue via physical intimacy try instead to work on her confidence issues in the entire relationship through developing a much better and deeper level of emotional intimacy. If you want her to be more controlling then you have to put her feelings and thoughts first in every aspect of the relationship. When she has a much more solid relationship and a better connection to you she might overcome her confidence issues.

She might not. She might do the stuff you want her to do with your cock. She might not.

It doesn't matter. There is more than one way of killing a pig. Your cock is indiscriminate. As long as it gets to be stiff and to jizz every so often you are happy, right?

Liberate yourself from your cock and pay far more attention to your fiancee. If you can't all you are going to end up with is issues, drama and heartache from women and a lot of lonely nights spent thinking about it and slapping the salami.

I wish you well.

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to NewCuckBoy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/12/2011 11:56:47 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Now that's what I'm talking about!!

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/13/2011 12:05:22 AM   
isoLadyOwner


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise


quote:

ORIGINAL: NewCuckBoy

But she has poor confidence. She's my fiancee, she's quite controlling in our daily life (we have a vanilla relationship), she likes being pampered and waited on. Sexually she's pretty into receiving oral and neglecting to return the favor, she likes teasing my cock a bit, playing with it roughly and squeezing it, but it's never been an official she's in control kind of thing...... Once I hinted at wanting her to have more control with my cock and she mentioned she was "too much of a wuss to be that controlling".


What you might not realize is, she is doing exactly what she wants, and not
doing anything she doesnt. Id call that pretty controlling.


quote:

I just want to help her feel better about herself....

I can't figure out how her not wanting to be more controlling with your
cock makes her feel bad about herself? Are you absolutely certain this isnt all
about YOUR needs?
You are about to commit to spending the rest of your life with her, yet can
only hint about what you wish she would do with your cock?
Communication is great foreplay!


Quoted for wisdom.

OP, maybe you've found a relationship with a real Dominant Woman.

You might mess things up by trying to control her needs and make her do what you want her to do (fulfill your fantasies).

At least she doesn't scratch herself viciously until you hold her wrists tightly or something...

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/13/2011 5:55:51 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		NCB,

I'm going to assume here that you feel strongly for her and wouldn't want to lose her . . . .

Clearly, you and she are in a 'might be a domme/sub situation, might not be' situation.

You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, as I think you realise. There are three main things to do here, as far as I can see. The first is not to pressure her and make it clear that what you're after from her is 'icing on the cake' - it's not the be all and end all. Your relationship isn't in jeopardy if you don't get that 'icing'. (Assuming, of course, that that is true.) If you don't do that you will, of course, erode whatever confidence she already has.

That's about you controlling *yourself*. The second thing to do is help clear away any preconceptions she may have about what it means to be a femdom. The chances are high, I think, that she'll have some vague image of a femdom as super-confident, bitchy, eternally leather-wearing . . . etc, etc, etc. I say the chances are high that she has that image because that's the image pumped so much by the porn industry. That could take quite a lot of undoing.

The third thing to do is lay out the options, helping her to see what's in it *for her*, giving her a taste of the various kinds of fun adventures that she could have, were she to feel like embarking on them. For points two and three especially, I recommend the following resource as a starter - http://www.akashaweb.com/women/goodgirlpreview.html

I would bear in mind, though, that even if she does go 'more Domme', she may not be dominant in the way that you've pictured so far. So you have a big job on your hands, too: you've got to make yourself very, very open and flexible to what may happen. And, indeed, what may *not* happen.

.

_____________________________

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(in reply to NewCuckBoy)
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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/13/2011 9:43:07 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I heart Stella.

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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/13/2011 9:50:12 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Wow, I heart Stella too. What a post!

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/13/2011 9:55:11 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		I declare Stella my hero for the day.
 


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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/13/2011 11:09:54 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Stella's post made me think quite a bit just now. You know, in relationships I get pissy sometimes, and during those times I tend to point fingers at the person I'm with. I forget that I'm right there in the equation too. Thank you Stella for helping me realize that I'm more content when I stop zeroing in on what he could do to make me happier, and instead I remember why we're together.

It's the overall focus that is the key. If I'm picking at him (even if it's justifiable) then the focus is on something negative and I'm frustrated because there isn't a thing I can do to change things. If I have a more overall focus it's better, because in general, things are great! It's my choice where I put the focus, on the one thing that's driving me crazy, or the fact that I have someone that makes me warm and fuzzy.
Excellent post, thanks again Stella.

OP, really, read Stella's post again and think hard about where the focus is in how you are thinking about your relationship.

(in reply to stellauk)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/14/2011 2:58:35 PM   
MzReel4Real


Posts: 62
Joined: 3/13/2011
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		Not wanting to hi-jack this thread, but wow! You really nailed it, no pun intended...I need to read and re-read this as this is sage advice and I have gleaned much from this post. Thank you stellauk for saying it so well.

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RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/14/2011 5:04:50 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewCuckBoy
How can I help her have more confidence so she's more adventurous? Aside from what I've mentioned she does infact have low confidence, gets in the way of other things. I just want to help her feel better about herself.... and if consiquently it lets her feel more up to being more dominant in bed, well that's amazing. But yeah, what ways might I help her feel wonderful about herself? Thanks.

Well, unlike everyone else, I don't read anything here which sounds wrong. What I read is two people trying to make a relationship work and one of them thinking about helping his partner in the larger picture. So, let's just discuss "confidence"

Confidence... real confidence... comes from knowing from past experience that you will be successful. Anything else is a sham. So that means she's going to need some "past experience". Let's start with that. I'd avoid anything sexual -- honestly sex is just too loaded to be a good proving ground. I would start with relatively benign things. I'd find SMALL road blocks for her, point them out, help her to overcome them, then point out how successful she was. I'd do that a lot. The key here is that you teach someone to swim by throwing them into the pool six inches over their head. Throwing them in 6 feet over their head is just drowning them. The other key is that it's going to take time. Figure about one year for real personality changes to start to settle in. You're going to need to be the cheer leader and coach that whole time.

Next up we need to talk about positive reinforcement. The problem with "self image" is that it blinds us to the truth. So if your fiancee currently has a self image which tells her she's not strong, capable, and successful, then even when she succeeds admirably at something she probably fails to see it or brushes it off as trivial. So your new job is to make sure she can't do that. When the difficult wins happen, you need to be there pointing them out... stubbornly if need be (and it probably will).

Finally I'd like to discuss how YOU see her. Fundamentally you need to see her as capable, successful, competent, strong, etc. You really need to see her that way.... deep deep in the privacy of your own heart. If you do not, the just throw in the towel right now because nothing you can do will ever help her. Your own image of her will bleed onto her automatically assuming the relationship works out. That can work in your favor or against you depending on whether your goals are aligned with the image you hold of her.

So that's confidence in general. What I'd say is that once you've worked out "life confidence issues" you can start on bedroom ones. At that point she may or may not be interested in topping you in the bedroom and you need to be open to both possibilities. But if you're correct that "confidence" is the only stopper, then things should be good to go.

I hope any of that helps

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 3/14/2011 5:05:37 PM >

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/14/2011 5:29:17 PM   
PrincessDonna1


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/2/2010
Status: offline 		LOL it sounds like your trying to work her into a BDSM fantasy that she wants no part of.You mention past things and I can just see you laying there saying "yeah hurt it baby it can take it"Im sure what shes done in the past was to save the relationship and to experment if she wanted to she would have continued on her own with no prodding from you about her "confidence" I bet thats what youve told her too"Its what I like baby you just dont have the confidence to do it"Yeah that will get a girl real readyevery time.Besides are you trying to teach this girl that bedroom play is what BDSM is all about? If you need to scratch the itch go to a slave academy and let that girl be her self.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/14/2011 9:56:14 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		i would first suggest that you ask her what she wants and what would make her happy. from there is it confidence that she wants or you. why. is she comfortable and wanting to be more adventurous or are you wanting more. the only person that can change her is her so let her be the deciding factor in her life. have a long talk and learn more about each other and yourselvs

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I have a dominant woman, but...... - 3/14/2011 10:12:31 PM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I am not sure that I agree that dominance is the same thing as selfishness and what you describe is selfishness in my opinion.

To go into a marriage, planning/hoping for a change in someone just seems to be a bad idea.

When you say you want to help her feel more confident, you mention what effect that could have. You sure about that? I would suggest you really look at this for a couple of reasons. Wanting someone to feel more confident for themselves, so that they feel better about themselves is one thing and a nice thing... but wanting someone to feel better about themselves so that you get something out of it... isn't nice. That too is selfish. Check your motive and check what you assume the result would be. I happen to think you are wrong in your assessment. Confidence never made me want to play with or suck a cock I didn't already want to play with or suck. If she isn't doing it now... she most likely won't do it later when the confidence is better. You either like the cock and wish to tease and please it or you don't... it has nothing really to do with confidence.

I'd be rethinking that marriage thing unless you like pain, suffering and drama... and none of it the good kind.
I agree with this.

To the OP, I don't think you have a dominant woman, unfortunately for you. If she in fact is insecure, that is a huge reason to want to control EVERYTHING, but not in an enjoyable way for either of you, IMO. M


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(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 19
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