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Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 11:41:15 AM

mayibeyours2

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How do i approah a Domme on what i am seeking without sounding like i am topping from the bottom? i seem to be over bearing at times.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 11:48:44 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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There are tons of threads on how to approach a Woman.. or a Domme... I'd suggest a search on the word approach. In addition, I think there was a thread recently entitled "how to approach a domme" ...

beyond that, if you are over bearing.. cut it out... it doesn't work in any situation, not just this one..

quote:

ORIGINAL: mayibeyours2

How do i approah a Domme on what i am seeking without sounding like i am topping from the bottom? i seem to be over bearing at times.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 12:07:06 PM

SthrnCom4t

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Be nice, be personable and don't make assumptions. IMO, power exchange is not automatic. Some women might be deserving of your submission, many others not. Some will inspire your submission, others won't. Some won't be interested in your submission, others might.

A major mistake submissives can make is to 'assume' a woman wants your submission. Many submissives think that by going over the top, that will guarantee them a chance. Not so.

Let it evolve naturally. Be kind and courteous. If it pleases you to provide service, the gentleman route will get you bonus points. Kneeling in the parking lot if you walk her to her car, without her indicating that as a preference, has a good chance of making her uncomfortable. Let her lead.

Remember, this is subjective, and what you are seeking is a good match and to be of interest to Her. As such it has to be on Her terms. You being overbearing and pushy of your own agenda, will have you going home empty handed more often than not.

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'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 12:25:56 PM

Arpig

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Get to know her. Talk to her about your lives and non-bdsm interests...if she decides she's interested enough in you, she'll ask you what exactly you are seeking.

A lot of you new guys make the mistake of starting with the kink...that's a one-way ticket to ignoresville. Newbie profiles are all too often like a shopping list of their desires (though yours isn't...so kudos there)...and the first email is usually just more of the same ("Hello Mistress, are you into CBT?"). Unless your particular kink is her overwhelming fetish, she's unlikely to be even remotely interested in conversing with you.

As exciting as the kink is...it will make up a very small part of your day-to-day lives, and its far more important that you get along on a vanilla level. You have to have something to talk about over breakfast or in the bath. Its a nice fantasy to imagine having no desires but to serve...but it gets to be real boring watching Antique Roadshow for the umpteenth time when the Sens are playing the Leafs on the other channel. You need to connect on a person-to-person level.

Yes, I'm sure there are those super-strict Masters and Mistresses out there who treat their playthings as nothing but objects 24/7...but they are few and far between, and I suspect they have no shortage of offers, so your competition will be fierce. For the other dommes...the ones who want an actual life with you, well just approach them like you would any woman...polite, with your best foot forward. Impress her with who you are, not what you want.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 1:42:29 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mayibeyours2
How do i approah a Domme on what i am seeking without sounding like i am topping from the bottom? i seem to be over bearing at times.

how about you approach them with what they are seeking and let them decide if they want to know what you are seeking? In general, my impression is that relationships work better when both parties are thinking about what they can give, not what they can take.

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~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 2:51:13 PM

MzReel4Real

Posts: 62
Joined: 3/13/2011
From: Michigan
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I am a woman, who just happens to be dominant...get to know me for myself not what buttons I push for you...and as others have stated don't start at me with your shopping list of kink. If you can't invest your time getting to know me, for who I am, I damn sure won't invest any of my time in you. If you make it all about how I will control you, or what kink your into, or how you have always desired XYZ, that doesn't have a dang thing to do with ME, you could hand any woman the script you have already planned out .... I want to be known....and your script is screwed

My advice back off, slow down, and let things unfold.

Just my opinion and for me it is the right opinion.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 8:35:33 PM

stellauk

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Okay. Let's turn your question right round, okay? Please try to stop and think a bit here okay?

How you do like people to approach you?

Better still, how did the people in your life approach you?

What made you respond?

Okay. So let's assume (hypothetically) that you and me decide that we want to be friends.

How long do you think it's going to take me to get to know you as a person? What are the things that you would want me to know about you as a person?

You would expect me to want to know about what interests you, right? You'd expect me to be interested in knowing what you think? How you feel about things?

You'd want to know probably why I would choose you as a friend over someone else. You would want to know that you can call on me for help, to say stuff to, to share things with, and you'd also want to know the same about me, right?

It's the same for any human being you come across. Any woman.

Forget about the Domme part. It's just a label, just a part of who she is. You are a stranger to her, and trust me, there's no short cuts here between being a stranger and being her sub - you've got to do the distance and make the effort.

You need to change your mindset here. It's not how to approach a domme in reality, is it? If it was you could just say 'hi' - there, you've approached her. But she's unlikely to ever want to approach you back.

See the title? Explaining what you are seeking - yes? What is she? A shop assistant? A store clerk? A civil servant?

What about what she is seeking? Isn't that just as important?

I mean, let's take a look at that screen name - mayibeyours2. You might think it indicates your submission. Thing is, she doesn't know you from Adam, you're a complete stranger.

Why are you wanting to be submissive to a complete stranger?

Yeah I know, it's not like that. But thing is, she doesn't know that. There's no way of knowing what is going through your mind, is there? And be sure there's no way of knowing what is going through her mind, either.

So we come back to the beginning. How do I approach a domme?

I'll tell you how. By being open minded, considerate (e.g. of the fact that she is just like you, a human being with feelings, thoughts, needs and wants) and by seeking to explore, learn, and discover who she is...

..not as a domme.. not as a woman.. but as an individual human being.

She's just like you. She's come on this site looking for someone, she has needs, she has wants, she has her own preferences, feelings, thoughts, tastes, opinions, and so on.

And until you get to know all these things and she wants to get to know the same about you to the point where she wants you to know what she's like as a domme thinking about how she is as a domme is a waste of time.

Does this make it any clearer for you?

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Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/14/2011 9:08:47 PM

DarkSteven

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If she wants to know about you as a submissive, your profile tells that thoroughly.

But as stella said, the Dommes here aren't looking for submissives. They're looking for men (in some cases women) who are submissives. People who are defined by other means than their kinks.

So who are you?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/15/2011 11:46:18 AM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mayibeyours2

How do i approah a Domme on what i am seeking without sounding like i am topping from the bottom? i seem to be over bearing at times.

You are 56 years old and you haven't figured it out yet? What would you do if we asked you to actually have a mind of your own and figure things out so that you would actually be an asset to us rather than a drain on our resources?

Playing emotional possum only collects flies.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/15/2011 11:54:42 AM

sexyred1

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You know, I find it amazing that grown adults still do not understand how to approach other grown adults.

And this is directed to anyone, not just sub men.

I don't see what the big mystery is; when I wrote my own profile I simply say I am seeking someone smart who is seeking a smart woman for a connection on all levels. I provide my intellectual views of what I find intriguing about this. I don't ask for anything specific because then someone who may be fantastic for me might not reply because they did not fit that ONE thing.

Now, does that sound so specific or self serving or topping from the bottom? Do I provide a laundry list of what I want done to me or what I want to do to someone? No.

It lists qualities in someone that I value, not what they can do for me or vice versa. I don't care if you are sub, Dom, whatever, this is the only way a rational, thinking adult goes about hoping to connect with a partner.

People forget that PEOPLE are on the other end here; how about some patience? Everyone has their triggers and desires, but it is far more important to know if you might even like the other person before worrying about specifics.

If the only type of relationship you seek is predicated upon specific acts, kinks or a life support system for your fetishes, that is discerned in a millesecond by smart Dommes and subs alike.

Some people may disagree with me saying that oh no, you need to know if someone is going to be into bondage, or anal or hanging from chandeliers with midgets before I bother with them.

And my reply to that is fine, you may be missing out on someone who becomes so enamored of you for who you are, that you might get all that anyway, but to truncate the getting to know you process can be a waste.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 3/15/2011 11:56:27 AM >

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/15/2011 11:45:39 PM

LPslittleclip

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i would like to welcome you to the boards and hope you have a enjoyable time. listen to the advice from here and go forth and try.

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/15/2011 11:49:08 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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*hugs clip* hope you're well :)

to the OP.. what the others have said..

dominants (of whichever gender)arePEOPLE first... get to know the PERSON, see where it goes from there.

edited cause I got sloppy while typing...

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 3/15/2011 11:50:11 PM >

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RE: Explaining what you are seeking - 3/16/2011 11:07:58 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mayibeyours2

How do i approah a Domme on what i am seeking without sounding like i am topping from the bottom? i seem to be over bearing at times.

In my opinion it's simple...
It's not about what you are seeking.
As soon as you make it about that (and there are very many subdefuges) then in my eyes you would become a 'do-me- rather than a person willing and able to serve.
communications that work for me:
Questions about me in order to find common ground.interests/words of the same number of syllables
Experiences in and outside of bdsm
Humility
Non-narcisism
Openess
Non-defensiveness
Playfulness

Any sign of a power over (make-wrong, pit down) absoluetly shocks me and I worked my way to this side of the / through experience and stealth. power-over (sly dennegration) sickens me.

A genuine wish to learn.

Even someone with limited English, (indeed absolutely someone who wants to learn English) and an innate understanding of submission, is better than the most covert top.

Submission should neither be forced, aped, overtly present or indeed obviously absent during initial communications for me. But I will, by my nature, test. and there is a sea of blue mail everyday of those who fail in the very first few words. And sadly those hwo have no insight whatsoever as to why they repeatedly fail and faial again to form a relationship with me.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/16/2011 11:09:01 AM >

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