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My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 6:17:25 AM

CypherEnigma

Posts: 62
Joined: 7/24/2005
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I served a Master for several years. He is disabled. I stood by Him faithful for years. I even endured unwanted pysical violence at his hand. To the point I have lived in my own place for a year now, but still try to serve him. I have completely lost trust in Male Dominants. I feel broken inside. Through his sickness and what little healthy times he had. I never complained about my lack of training or giving up everything to serve him. I gratefully took what little he would give me. After 2 years he is finally getting healthy. And now he professes he is submissive. What was supposed to be a 24/7 has now become I dont know what. He still tries to Dom me, but it is hard to allow that when i know he is kissing the feet of a Domme and jumping to her every whim. He has the health and energy to do anything she asks but never did when I needed or wanted to do something. I feel betryed and mislead. He expects me to bow to him as I always have but I know his focus is completely that of being a submissive right now. I am completely lost and alone and dont know what to do. I am trying to break the ties, but find it hard. How do I get my selfworth back? How do I start over? How do I trust again?

Post #: 1

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 6:27:23 AM

Level

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If there are others in the lifestyle that live near you, perhaps spend time with them, in an effort to "refocus" your mind on how things can be positive.... and if the one you served was/is abusive and/or a liar, ditch him. Just do it.

There isn't anything inherently wrong with a person switching, but it can be difficult to pull off, especially if they are confused or deceitful.

Level

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 2

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 6:28:46 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear CypherEnigma, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I know there are lots of sides to every story but--I think if you were abused as you said, you should have gotten out of the relationship period. Perhaps this "master" was switch after all and or wants his cake and eat it to. He gets it both ways and by you enabling him to manipulate service from you in an unhealthy state; suddenly healthy to serve another-- I would think that a bit like someone is playing you like a harp. Players and gamers the term is.

You were betrayed -- don't think it. Abuse, lousy treatment, unequal treatment, failure to disclose his "kink" preferences and or changes --

Perhaps you are not listening to this guy (master) to getting you out of his life--so, abuse didn't do it, now he might use the repulse ploy, by doing something that repells you.

But, don't clump all Male Masters into the same category as this person you have had a rocky relationship. Take all cases of potential D/s and or M/s as a case by case basis. You'll not fall for the same fluff though, I'm sure.

Good luck.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 3

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 6:46:28 AM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
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Well I know that it's not the answer that you are probably looking for but....I will tell you that the answers to all of your questions lie within yourself. Instead of focusing on what he did or didn't do, you need to focus on the reasons you tolerated it and allowed it. Why is it that you thought so little of yourself to think that you didn't deserve better? Finding the answer to those questions is the only way that you will ever be able to move forward in your life and not carry the same feelings with you into your next relationship, thus setting yourself up for a repeat. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way excusing his behavior for that clearly sucks, but I am saying that the ultimate responsibility for our own happiness and healthy relationships lies within ourselves.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 5/6/2006 6:47:31 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 4

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 6:52:33 AM

CypherEnigma

Posts: 62
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

I have been going to therapy. And trying to overcome this. But it is hard for Me to do. I thank you for your words, you are absolutely correct. It is time for me to finally find what it is I need and want. And I know I have always looked outside of myself for happiness. But it is hard to relearn how you think and live.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 7:15:13 AM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CypherEnigma
I have been going to therapy. And trying to overcome this. But it is hard for Me to do. I thank you for your words, you are absolutely correct. It is time for me to finally find what it is I need and want. And I know I have always looked outside of myself for happiness. But it is hard to relearn how you think and live.

Yes, it is extremely hard...but I can attest to you, having been there myself, that it is soooo worth the effort it takes to get there. I wish you all the best.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 6

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 8:48:57 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CypherEnigma

I have been going to therapy. And trying to overcome this. But it is hard for Me to do. I thank you for your words, you are absolutely correct. It is time for me to finally find what it is I need and want. And I know I have always looked outside of myself for happiness. But it is hard to relearn how you think and live.

Therapy isn't magic; it will take a long time to work out what you feel, come up with a plan to change anything you want, and then follow through on that work.

If you haven't all ready done so, tell him goodbye now and move on. Continuing in an abusive relationship will be harmful to your therapy and to you working on issues.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 7

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 9:21:52 AM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
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I don't really know what to say in regards to this thread. The first thought to come into my mind is: Would you rather force him to be your dominant? Would you rather have never known that he was a switch?

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 8

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 2:32:38 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CypherEnigma

I am completely lost and alone and dont know what to do. I am trying to break the ties, but find it hard. How do I get my selfworth back? How do I start over? How do I trust again?

You clearly recognize that this situation is not productive. Your responsibility in this appears to be in staying when you had questions that weren't being answered, and continuing to allow yourself to be used. I suspect that it was because you wanted to be in the -type- of relationship so much that you were willing to put up with being in the wrong specific relationship to stay in any D/s relationship.

This is quite direct, but what you need to do at this point is acknowledge with -action- what you've already acknowledged in your mind. You have a place of your own and are clearly self-supporting. Sit him down, tell him you are leaving and why, pack up EVERYTHING that is still in his house, and get on with your life.

Once you are -out- of the bad situation, -then- you can take some time to look at what you -really- want in a relationship, and what will support your needs and wants for a long-term relationship, then, you can SLOWLY start looking for someone who meets the criteria. Figure out what you -have- to have, what you would rather have than not, what you are willing to give a bit on, and what you -really- don't want anything to do with -before- you start meeting people, and give yourself the respect of listening to that "design", created when you weren't under any emotional enticements or stress, to help you figure out if the people that you are talking to are right to start exploring with.

While you're creating your list, you'll probably spend some time getting to know yourself again. Knowing and trusting ourselves comes from inside. It comes from knowing that we are being genuine with ourselves, and with trusting that we are -exactly- what we are supposed to be. While working with others, either in group or individual settings, can help us to explore our own self-worth, obtaining and maintaining self-worth can only come from inside yourself, so that is where you need to start. Everyone makes the occasional unworkable decision. Once you recognize that a path isn't working, you have the opportunity to make a different choice that will get you back on track. We're not failures for our unworkable decisions, unless we give up and don't get ourselves back to where we know we belong.

To me, it sounds like you know what you need to do. Now, you just need to let yourself go ahead and -do- it, then take a year and find out everything you need to know about yourself, before you start trying to decide who you're going to connect your life to, so that when you -do- hook up with someone, it will be a relationship that will help -both- individuals reach their full potential.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 9

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 2:56:34 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Hi CypherEnigma, I feel for you, that would be my worse nightmare come true. I don't raelly know how I would handle it so not sure what to say to you.

I can respond to the how to get your self-worth back though.

Sit down with yourself and really have a think about a few things. Realise that other peoples choices in life, are just that, their choices, even if they are actually blaming you, its got nothing to do with you at all. No one makes a person feel a certain way, everyone has to take self -responsibility for their own feelings and thoughts. So in this situation, stop blaming yourself for the choices this person has made. You are on the rough end of the stick, thats for sure, realise that and then realise that you as a person deserve more, like really. Realise that hurtful things happen in life..but also realise if we immerse ourselves in the hurt we are not going to allow ourselves happiness and use that realisation to be strong about moving forward, knowing its going to be hard, knowing its going to be difficult but knowing that in moving forward you will be re-creating your life and establishing happiness once more.

Re-establishing trust:

That takes time and its probably not something to be thinking about right now, there are other priorities, things like getting your new life in order etc. ...once you get all that done.....some time and space will have availed itself and then you can start working on the trust..pushing yourself a little here, pushing yourself a little there..just seeing it as the next phase of the plan to total self-healing.

Best of luck to you.
slavejali

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 10

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 3:19:09 PM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

Ugh. i could have written your post.
i had a master once who was abusive, etc etc.
turned out he was not only submissive, but he was also bi toward the gay side.
so he was being sumbissive to other men.

in the end, it all made sense. the reason why he had so much anger and hurt.
the reason why my needs never seemed to be met.

our lives are all journeys. sometimes it's difficult to be honest with ourselves.
maybe your master WISHES he could be dominant and not submissive.
maybe he really tried with you (you were that awesome that he wanted to try).

in the end, if he can't give you what you need, you need to walk.
forget the fact that you submitted to him. you submitted under pretenses that are NOT reality.

for the most part, i have gotten over that relationship. you need time.

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 11

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/6/2006 4:59:37 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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As all have said time and rediscovery of self is what you need.As in any relationship breakup it takes a lot of fortitude to end it once and for all and that is difficult.But at the very least a positive is that you are already living in your own place and are able to self support..So now you must focus on yourself, your needs, wants, goals,to essentially begin to know YOU once again...I guess you can become your own Dominant and nurture,care and serve yourself for the while...be well...Tempting

(in reply to pissdoll)

Post #: 12

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/7/2006 7:41:59 AM

CypherEnigma

Posts: 62
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I know you all are right. I just need time and strength to get through this. It is hard to start over.. but I plan on doing it right this time. Thank you.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 13

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/7/2006 8:21:34 AM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

There isn't anything inherently wrong with a person switching, but it can be difficult to pull off, especially if they are confused or deceitful.

I think that the inherent issue and confusion with this whole arrangement is that consent seems to be lacking. She consented to a Master even if he does seem to have some questionable ideas on what that entails. Switching is something that can be interesting but when you begin involving others it complicates things. I'm guessing that this mistress doesn't even know about you.
Separating yourself from this situation may be painful but it sounds like what may be best for you in the long run. Abuse in my mind is grounds for leaving...and you didn't. Switching without discussing it with you is grounds for leaving...and you didn't. Loss of respect for your master/dom is grounds for leaving...and you didn't. Three strikes, he should already be dust in the rear view.

I think the idea of getting out to a munch and meeting others is a strong step to reclaiming yourself. I would take the suggested 6 months before bonding yourself to anyone. Attending sub discussion groups may also be a way to meet those that you can model yourself after. Sometimes meeting someone where you can think "I wanna be like her when I grow up" can help you to evolve from you current state to someone more confident, decisive, and self assured.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 14

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/7/2006 9:39:44 AM

Dustyn

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Joined: 4/5/2006
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Haven't seen anyone here even bring up the fact that perhaps this person's illness invoked a change of life inside of him... it's entirely feasable... I know that when I was going through my chemotherapy, I was hoenstly wishing that there was someone I could just give myself over to and escape inside of them... granted, my chemo wasn't for one of the truly big C's, since it was caught early enough, but it was more than possible for it matasticize and spread just about anywhere when I was finally diagnosed... it was enough to scare me to the very core of who I am...

took me a while to stop fighting with myself and realize that yes, I'm a switch, there's nothing wrong with being one, and a lot of other things like that...

Just my opinion

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 15

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/7/2006 5:15:33 PM

ArchangelMichael

Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline

Is this perhaps why so many submissives don't want a Dom who is a switch? Are they afraid that they will go off with a Dom/me and leave their previous relationship behind? I see too many profiles that say "no switches." Sometimes I think being a switch is a curse.

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 16

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/7/2006 5:29:52 PM

Contesaluv

Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
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I feel for you. However, I find it quite hard to understand how we as individuals can possibly allow ourselves to go against our own core.

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
William Shakespeare

If you always keep in mind what you truly want out of life, out of people, out of anything then things will never get to an extreme that is beyond your core. It's easier said than done but let this moment in time, in your life go.

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 17

RE: My Master went Submissive - 5/7/2006 5:46:23 PM

Contesaluv

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Joined: 3/11/2006
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Very well said mistoferin!

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 18

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