Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (Full Version)

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hejira92 -> Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/16/2011 7:41:03 PM)

...and Alliteration! (Couldn't resist)

Actually, this is a very serious topic.

Those of you who know me, know how solid my relationship is with Sir. We fit. But lately, I've hit menopause with a vengeance. Between the bloaty feelings, the irregular periods, the inability to stay asleep, the forgetfulness and other assorted nastiness (like two teens at home), I am a mess.

But the worst is the mood swings. Sometimes I just don't feel like taking orders from anyone. I bristle at the thought of someone- anyone- trying to control me. Holding my tongue is very, very difficult. I often feel like I'm serving from habit, rather than desire to please- like I'm going through the motions. And this is disturbing to me. I'm just waiting and dreading the day I break and say "no. I don't feel like doing that now", or "I just forgot, OK???" or some such disrespectful thing.

So, has anyone (there must be some of you out there) gone through a nasty "change" while being owned in a r/t, long-term relationship? How did you handle it? Did you ever feel like you just needed a "time-out" from ownership? Any thoughts on how to deal with my negative feelings?

**DISCLAIMER**
1) Yes, I have discussed this all with HIM. He suggested I get input from this community
2) Yes, I take black cohesh, flaxseed oil and wild yam extract. You notice I didn't list night sweats? The herbs have taken care of that much.
3) Hormone therapy is not an option as I am a breast cancer survivor.

Thank you for the chance to vent.



littlewonder -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/16/2011 7:54:38 PM)

take up yoga and meditation?

We talk constantly about everything. If I'm in a bad mood, don't feel like doing something, we talk like rational calm adults and we talk about what the problem is. It always helps.

I meditate and go for walks to help me get my head on straight again and I remind myself why I chose to be with him and that what I'm feeling has abasolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and thus he does not deserve to be treated harshly.

If you feel you need some space then ask him for it. Everyone needs some from time to time.




DesFIP -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/16/2011 8:13:10 PM)

You didn't list total disinterest in sex. That lasted about two years before the libido sort of recovered although I mourn my previous ability to have orgasms in the dozens, now sadly reduced to a handful.

Otherwise, just a lot more need for cuddling helps. It reduces irritation and helps calm you. But having teens doesn't help at all.



angelikaJ -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/16/2011 8:20:22 PM)

There may be another medication route to try that isn't hormones:
some type of anti-depressant therapy just to get you trough this rough patch, because your moods are clearly currently 'disordered'.
Some type of medication used to treat mood disorders might be useful, as well as perhaps a targeted type of therapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

edit: typo



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/16/2011 8:34:52 PM)

during my last relationship, i had a really bad car accident. car rolled over three times into a ditch, mom seriously injured, one pet died, two pets lost forever, one pet found but after two days of searching. cuts and scrapes and blah blah blah -- total near-death experience (if i hadn't had my seatbelt on, i'd have landed on my neck and probably broken it). i had some pretty bad mood issues after that.
not totally the same as menopause, but it was a very extreme event for me. M was pretty patient with my snappiness and crying jags but keeping a journal and being even more introspective than usual really helped. "is it a good idea to say this? why am i really saying it? what feeling is causing this?" yoga was also super helpful and i focused a lot on it and dancing. sometimes being physical will help you get enough of the good endorphins that you can stay "up" and a bit more normal for longer periods. yoga became a way for me to center and be peaceful and stabilize.
plus, there's something to be said about the security of the routine. right after the accident, M would take care of my cuts and stuff, and was super gentle with me, but once i was healed up, things got back to normal and i reeeeally needed that. sometimes when life seems to be spinning out of control, having something stable and familiar to lean on and take comfort in is really helpful.

maybe try focusing on what submission is for you. it isn't something you're actively thinking about bailing on, you're just having mood thingies that are cropping up and changing your frame of mind. go back to the basics that newbies talk about, and reeeeally contemplate some of that stuff. think about little bits of interactions and find what's special about them.
if you feel a swing coming on, be mindful of it and pay attention to it. pay attention to what might be setting it off if there are triggers, and pay attention to how it progresses. when you have a working knowledge of how your moods are cycling, you can say "oh okay -- i'm feeling X again, so i'd better double-check what i say."

try getting your thoughts out -- talk about what you're feeling, or write a journal. post here and chat with us. sometimes the snappiness comes from having things on your mind that you feel you can't voice, even if they're subconscious -- talk about the feeling that causes you to want to say something disrespectful. get it out in the open.



hejira92 -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 6:55:59 AM)

Littlewonder-

Thank you. Yes, exercise does help. My schedule is crazy, but I do manage to get on my bicycle at least once a week for a nice 15-20 mile ride. I wish I could find a close, affordable yoga class. The Wii yoga only goes so far. [:)]

I do try to remind myself it's not about Him, and warn Him when I'm feeling this way. I'm just having a hard time with these unfamiliar feelings of total, complete anger. At everyone and everything. Ugh.



hejira92 -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 7:04:17 AM)

Celeste and angelika-

My libido has changed- it used to be constant, now it sometimes comes and goes. My healthcare provider did suggest the anti-depressant route, but I rejected that just because of the libido question. One time in my life I had to take zoloft and it completely squelched all sexuality (at the time, a good thing). So, I know I react very strongly to anti-depressants.

I won't take that chance now. No libido would further stress my relationship with Sir. (and, as you note- the teens in the house- and having to deal with their various issues- is already a libido killer. [:'(] My Sir is very patient and loving, especially since the teens aren't biologically His.)




hejira92 -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 7:15:10 AM)

Lilly-

So sorry to hear about that horror. I hope you are doing well now.

Sir has dealt with me through other trauma (my ex-husband's death and breast cancer, to name two), so He has experience with me being at not my most rational. He is patient- to a point. I'm afraid I may push that point too far one day.

But, then again, maybe that's what I need- a good scare to get things back into perspective. I'm basically a good girl, so Sir doesn't have to "flex His muscles" so-to-speak. Maybe I'm too complacent and comfortable.

I don't know. But I am grateful for all your thoughts and perspectives on this. I didn't expect to feel so ... lost, I guess, through this process. It's almost like I'm pregnant again- you know, when your body is taken over by aliens and everything you've ever known about yourself- food preferences, sleep habits, comforts- is turned upside down.



GreedyTop -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 7:36:02 AM)

*hugs da gorgeous Hejira*

no advice, but just a thought based on what I know of the two of you:  you're fine. he's a wicked smart man. you're a wicked smart woman.  YOU HAVE HAD CONVERSATIONS about this.  He's still going to love you madly, and you're still going to love him madly.  It's going to be fine...

miss you both BUNCHES!!

(btw.. stay away from public places with easy to reach fire alarms...LOL)



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 7:42:38 AM)

*hugs hejira*
LuckyAlbatross occasionally uses a phrase - "leash yank" -- sometimes those are helpful to help you re-center and focus on something. maybe the complacency and comfort is translating into something negative in your brain.
what matters is that you CARE that you might push the line with him too far one day -- you have an idea that a line exists, and you don't want to move over it, so try things that will help you re-evaluate your thought processes so that you can understand what the real motivation is behind it.
if you know if it's a "real" feeling or something "fleeting," that can help when you decide whether or not to act on it/say it/do it, whatever.

(edited for green =p)



OsideGirl -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 7:50:56 AM)

I'm at the beginning of menopause and I'm having the same issues. I've also had cancer and can't take the hormones. I've just started exploring the herbs to calm some of the symptoms. I'm not going to take an anti-depressant.

I'm not really having issues with anger. I've had a few bouts of random weepiness, but most of my issue is being easily frazzled and stressed. It used to be that multi-tasking at work was easy for me, now it makes me feel overwhelmed. I get home feeling like a wet rag.

Master has been very understanding as long as I tell him what I'm feeling. I've found that cuddling does actually work for me. And it sounds trite, but when I get frustrated, I've been picking a memory to remind me of how good he and I are together.



DesFIP -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 9:03:05 AM)

Not everyone responds the same way to SSRIs. Zoloft made it harder for me to orgasm but didn't totally kill my libido. And I think Effexor doesn't squelch the sex drive at all. But you can't miss a dose, or there are nasty withdrawals.

The teens here are one of mine and one of his. But that's okay, we pull our hair out no matter which one is doing something stupid.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 9:51:31 AM)

Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
hejira92
[sm=cute.gif]

Menopause, Mood Swings, and Masters
...and Alliteration!




hejira92 -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 11:25:47 AM)

And shouldn't you be sleeping?^ It's like, what? 2:30 am there?

But thank you, Sunny, for the skype therapy session earlier. I love you.

I just got back from a 16 mile bike ride and I feel better, calmer. I need to remember to get physical when the emotional gets overwhelming.

And Sunshine also said I should get a massage. Always full of good advice, that one is. Yes, yes.

Thank you everyone. I haven't posted on the boards in a while, but it's nice to know that there is still a core community of caring, real people here.



kalikshama -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 2:34:11 PM)

quote:

2) Yes, I take black cohesh, flaxseed oil and wild yam extract. You notice I didn't list night sweats? The herbs have taken care of that much.
3) Hormone therapy is not an option as I am a breast cancer survivor.


I think it's just estrogen you're supposed to avoid, yes? I take Prometrium, a natural progesterone, for GYN issues other than menopause. When I've been in between doctors and prescriptions, I've used wild yam cream, and did not find it as effective.

My moods tend to be stable when i get regular exercise. So thumbs up to the bicycling - do it regularly.

How experienced are you with yoga? I'll recommend some DVDs. Rodney Yee's AM Stretch is suitable for noobs or people who need gentle but it may be too short for real psychological soothing: http://www.amazon.com/M-P-M-Yoga-Rodney-Yee/dp/B00007JME6/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1300397431&sr=8-5

Of course, since it's short, there's no excuses for not doing it regularly :)

Welbutrin has no sexual side effects for me - Zoloft killed my ability to orgasm - but I find exercise more effective for anger and stress than SSRIs.

Good luck!

KK



Dewolfsslave -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 7:43:22 PM)

Watching this thread with interest as i am also in the same position as the OP. i will be showing Master, as there are some helpful suggestions - i think He will be particularly keen on me taking more exercise!

Meantime, i have asked Master for tighter control. Whereas before i was allowed to potter about my daily tasks at my own speed - as long as everything got done, all was well, over the past few months my mood swings and general absent mindedness have meant that i can no longer be trusted to remember everything without being reminded. And being aware of my shortcomings, i did the usual subbie thing of worrying and feeling guilty, which in turn only made things worse. And of course, although He has been very patient and supportive about it all, there have been times when i have got on His nerves (more guilt, more worry, lol), and i have to confess i have not taken the resulting tellings off with good grace.
Its early days yet, but i'm already feeling less stressed knowing that if i slip, He will catch me. Which is what this lifestyle is all about, really.



xXsoumisXx -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/17/2011 9:38:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

Celeste and angelika-

My libido has changed- it used to be constant, now it sometimes comes and goes. My healthcare provider did suggest the anti-depressant route, but I rejected that just because of the libido question. One time in my life I had to take zoloft and it completely squelched all sexuality (at the time, a good thing). So, I know I react very strongly to anti-depressants.

I won't take that chance now. No libido would further stress my relationship with Sir. (and, as you note- the teens in the house- and having to deal with their various issues- is already a libido killer. [:'(] My Sir is very patient and loving, especially since the teens aren't biologically His.)




I am so pleased to see this post!
I did try the anit-depressant route, and found that one works, with little to no side effects, but one other has many.. including the "sexual" ones.
I found one, that works beautifully... for a while. My biggest problems are the hot flashes...!! i do already take the supplements mentioned.
the hot flashes keep me up at night, and am miserable all night, like 3-4 per hour! and, i live in Louisiana.. lol no need for hot flashes!

does black cohash work? what about these "natural" hormones i hear about??



DesFIP -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/18/2011 4:17:49 AM)

SSRIs will control the hot flashes. I was happy to have that particular side effect. But libido or not, I was suicidal and needed the meds more than I needed a sex drive at the time.

DWs, try a white board and list the day's chores, then you get to erase them as you do them. It's very satisfying to wipe them off the board and that small satisfaction helps to motivate you. At the same time, you may need to not have as much to do. The disruption to the sleep cycle that occurs during this really prevents us from focusing or being as effective, and he needs to understand that this isn't something you're choosing but something you can't help.Telling you off for something you can't help and you don't want to happen is not going to lessen your stress or make you love him more - the opposite rather.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/18/2011 5:31:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

And shouldn't you be sleeping?^ It's like, what? 2:30 am there?

Harumph. Yeah, yeah. I was working on a thingamabob.

But thank you, Sunny, for the skype therapy session earlier. I love you.

I love you too. You always brighten my day, even when the rain is falling... but that's when the rainbows be gotten!

I just got back from a 16 mile bike ride and I feel better, calmer. I need to remember to get physical when the emotional gets overwhelming.

*I can smell you all the way over here! PEE YOO! [:D]

And Sunshine also said I should get a massage. Always full of good advice, that one is. Yes, yes.

[:)]
Thank you everyone. I haven't posted on the boards in a while, but it's nice to know that there is still a core community of caring, real people here.


Well, don't tell people... Come on now... we are s'posed to be hard ass bitches.



hejira92 -> RE: Menopause, Mood Swings and Masters (3/18/2011 5:50:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: xXsoumisXx

does black cohash work? what about these "natural" hormones i hear about??




I found relief from the worst of the night sweats as soon as I started the black cohosh (finally looked up the spelling). I had already been taking flaxseed, so I don't know if it was the combo or not.

Different things work differently- obviously we all have our own biochemistry- so trying the herbs are a good idea. I worry less about that type of experimentation than with the drugs- fewer side effects to worry about.

I don't know that much about the "natural" hormones, but based on the advice I've gotten via this thread and messages (thanks!), I'm gonna do some research.



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