RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (Full Version)

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Asfixation -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 2:53:14 AM)

I have predilections for men much younger than myself. That raises more eyebrows then most people have on their collective heads. But then since I am head of my household there's no problem.
My young adult 'kids' are far more open then many of my generation. They are comfortable with my friends who are gay. They are comfortable with my friends who are transitioning. They are comfortable when my leather brother comes to stay. Why would they not be as they have been raised that way. They are both in stable relationships and are allowed to have their partners to stay at my house. That arrangement works both ways.
I am looking now for a TPE 24/7 guy and there will be an age difference. I do not have parents alive to explain this to but I do not feel I have to explain it to anyone else. There are qualities of my character far more important than the age of the man I feel.



DarkSteven -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 5:09:46 AM)

If your family is not dysfunctional, then forcing you to choose between them and your mate is just plain wrong. As a Dom, I would do all in my power to ensure good relations with them.

If you're happy in your relationship, and your family sees that you're happy, that will go a long way.




TotalDiscipline -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 5:11:11 AM)

Agree..normally that should be the case.
But people like to control others people lifes also..and judge.



LaTigresse -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 5:21:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DuskMist

I've had one Master, and it was entirely virtual. He was older than me, but I knew that whatever "relationship" we had was just a way to see if I truly was a submissive. Nothing more. And I think he knew that.

But I've thought time and time again, about what would happen if my family knew I was in a relationship with an older man. One that may be 10-20-25 years older than me. Or older even.

I doubt they would take it well, which makes me wonder if their opinion would matter if He was the love of my life. One that was completely good to me, and considered my feelings in all matters/punishments.

In the case that this does occur, is there a way to make everything right? To keep the relationship, and my family's sanity? If not, would it be completely wrong of me to go wherever my heart tells me to?

Or am I just hopelessly dreaming of peace of mind?

Thanks.



I am going to answer as a mother. I looked to see your age....19. I have know 19 year olds that were very mature, responsible, and self aware. I have known 19 year olds that I wonder if they would ever be able to manage their life ( my daughter ). My daughter matured a bit later emotionally. At age 19 she was still making horrible choices in all aspects of her life.

How I would react as a parent would depend entirely upon the individuals involved. I am very good at determining a person's measure very quickly. If I met the man, determined that he would in fact, be quite good for my daughter. His age would not matter. If I determined that it was a destructive path......I would have a private discussion with him about the error of his ways. Then wait for the fall out.



littlewonder -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 6:59:21 AM)

ooohh....19.....as a mom of a 19 year old....yeah, she's responsible, mature and makes pretty wise decisions these days....she's still only 19 and if she came home one day with a much older man I think I'd have a huge giant fit. I'd do everything in my power to get her to understand why it's such a bad bad idea....he'll die waaay before her and being a widow myself I can tell you that it's  no picnic in the park and never ever goes away, she's got her entire life ahead of her...college, jobs, moving around, etc...the likelihood of such transitions making it through such a relationship are extremely small, and she's gonna want children someday...that could possibly have detriments to them both....he may  have his own kids already, an ex-wife, etc...she'd have zero experience with such things, they will be coming from completely different worlds and believe me,  there's going to be generational differences which will lead to communication problems....and so many other problems I could see arising.

At age 19 I'm of the opinion you should be still enjoying your life, going out and partying, going to college, dating someone or a couple of people your own age and realizing at 19 you still have a lot of life to live.



Arpig -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 9:11:13 AM)

OK, I've been mulling this one over since I first replied...asking myself if I would mind if my daughter were to be in a relationship with somebody my age. I guess it depends on the guy...I'd rather see her with a decent man my age, than an asshole her age.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 9:18:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I guess it depends on the guy...I'd rather see her with a decent man my age, than an asshole her age.


agreed! ^_^

and while i agree with littlewonder that widowhood sucks (some people get snippy when girls with dead boyfriends call themselves widows, but i dunno what else to call it), age is not really a guarantee on that. M died in his 30s. the possibility of accidental death is higher with younger men, vs. old age/ill health death in older men.
(gah, what a morbid turn...)
i don't think about someone's impending demise when developing feelings for them; if something comes of it, then whatever time i have with that person is just what it was supposed to be, and is worthwhile and important.

it's important to think about differences that age can cause, like outlook on life, future goals, etc etc. but it's possible for people of different ages to be mindful of those things, be on the same page, and make things work for them. sometimes younger women are headed in directions that men their age don't want to go in just yet.



Arpig -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 9:40:26 AM)

quote:

sometimes younger women are headed in directions that men their age don't want to go in just yet.
There is that...and also us older guys are soooooooo much more appreciative when you hotties give us a roll in the hay.[;)]



sexyred1 -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 9:53:20 AM)

Whenever my family hated someone I was with, they were always right.

It may have taken me longer to see it, but they saw it before I did.

This has nothing to do with age and everyone to do with clarity.



flcouple2009 -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 9:57:30 AM)

I can speak from experience here.

Currently I am 47 and the Mrs is 32, when we met it would have been 36 and 21.  Neither of her parents ever said anything to me but they were certainly against the relationship.  They were both pretty vocal to her about it.

In time they got over it.  Now 11 years later it's not even a thought.  They focus on the other parts of out lives they don't like.  The Pagan, poly, bi, left leaning bits.  [:D] 



LadyPact -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 10:09:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I am going to answer as a mother. I looked to see your age....19. I have know 19 year olds that were very mature, responsible, and self aware. I have known 19 year olds that I wonder if they would ever be able to manage their life ( my daughter ). My daughter matured a bit later emotionally. At age 19 she was still making horrible choices in all aspects of her life.

How I would react as a parent would depend entirely upon the individuals involved. I am very good at determining a person's measure very quickly. If I met the man, determined that he would in fact, be quite good for my daughter. His age would not matter. If I determined that it was a destructive path......I would have a private discussion with him about the error of his ways. Then wait for the fall out.

This.  At 19, My daughter was still working on making good decisions.  (A few years have passed now and she's much better at it.)  Since I knew her track record then, I'd be sizing him up.  Is he taking good care of her and making her happy?  I'd be looking at what kind of man he is and that would influence My opinion a great deal.




porcelaine -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 10:16:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Whenever my family hated someone I was with, they were always right.
It may have taken me longer to see it, but they saw it before I did.
This has nothing to do with age and everyone to do with clarity.


I agree and I think it can be difficult when you're enthralled with the individual. I don't seek dating advice from my parents because they're completely opposite in what they feel is best where I'm concerned. As a whole both prefer someone responsible with discretionary habits, particularly if our lifestyle will involve the cessation of one income. From my mother's perspective she wants a nice guy, but in truth he'd be the sort that would foster a equilateral relationship, though she is aware of my preferences. Whereas daddy would easily support an individual with a disposition more in line with his. And that would definitely bode well for the dominant parties that I generally attract.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



sexyred1 -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 10:22:52 AM)

There were only two serious men in my life that my parents hated. And as I am close to them, they know what I need in someone.

They gave both men more than ample time before really giving up on them and in one case, college, I was too young to realize and in the second case of my recent ex, I was too old to have made the same mistake.

I blame only myself for staying in the situations simply because I was addicted to them both or the wrong reasons.

Being enthralled with someone is no excuse for not seeing them for who they really are.



peachgirl -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 10:51:46 AM)

In my experience, many women I know have had a relationship with an older man. My first "real" relationship was with a man that was 12 years older than I. My sister is married to a man 25 years older than her. When it comes down to it, it's all about the person. Are you willing to accept that he's done all the things you might want to do in the future (travel, kids, etc) and might not want to do them all over again?

As far as your family, if you are an adult, and behave like one, then there is no reason you should base any of your choices on what will make your family happy. I don't feel it's your role to keep your family's sanity...only your own [:D]

YMMV.


edited: I forgot the happy!



porcelaine -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 12:04:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I blame only myself for staying in the situations simply because I was addicted to them both or the wrong reasons.
Being enthralled with someone is no excuse for not seeing them for who they really are.


I concur. I've been having this discussion with a close friend over the last several days and we've touched on the subject more than once. Now that I'm 'looking' if you will, I pay close attention to what he reveals and the realities that "truth" would have on my person. I haven't forsaken the possibility of being addicted, I just exercise better discernment when doing so.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



Delilya -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 12:05:53 PM)

I am lucky in that my children and I accept each other for who we are and who we love. My parents do not enter into it. If they did, I would be a nun in a convent somewhere. Love is where you find it, be it older or younger, and the only one who should truly matter is yourself. I know that sounds selfish, but no one has the right to dictate a set of rules for you to love by.

Families get over stuff, or at least they should. Their love shouldn't come with conditions.



leadership527 -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 12:41:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DuskMist
I doubt they would take it well, which makes me wonder if their opinion would matter if He was the love of my life. One that was completely good to me, and considered my feelings in all matters/punishments. In the case that this does occur, is there a way to make everything right? To keep the relationship, and my family's sanity? If not, would it be completely wrong of me to go wherever my heart tells me to?

OK granted, I'm a dominant. But honestly, I cannot imagine feeling the need to justify my marriage to anyone. When Carol and I switched from Vanilla to TPE I didn't justify the new shape of our relationship. I told them about it. My expectation was that they would accept it. Failing that, they had no place in my life. My marriage to Carol is way more important to me than anything else including my biological family.

That being said, I can also look at the other side. Were I you're father, I'd want to sit down with you and have a long talk. There are, in fact, good reasons why you shouldn't get involved with someone my age. But I wouldn't be seeking to force your choice or convince you. I'd want to be discussing it with you. If we were to have an open and honest conversation about the pros and cons and I concluded that you really were making an informed choice, then I'd be much relieved -- even if I didn't fully agree with you. I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy as the parent to "not take something well" and have knee-jerk reactions. But when the alternatives are "do better than knee-jerk reactions or lose my daughter permanently" well... a lot of parents would find that good incentive to get on their A game.

Only you can decide if some theoretical person is, in fact, the love of your life. But if you DID come to that conclusion then I'd find tossing him aside to be foolhardy at best. The whole rest of the world can go to hell in their own judgmental handbaskets. Finding truly compatible partners that mesh on all levels is not an easy or guaranteed thing.



Arturas -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 4:59:56 PM)

quote:

what would happen if my family knew I was in a relationship with an older man. One that may be 10-20-25 years older than me. Or older even.

I doubt they would take it well, which makes me wonder if their opinion would matter if He was the love of my life. One that was completely good to me, and considered my feelings in all matters/punishments.

In the case that this does occur, is there a way to make everything right? To keep the relationship, and my family's sanity? If not, would it be completely wrong of me to go wherever my heart tells me to?

Or am I just hopelessly dreaming of peace of mind?


I'm drawn to your OP because I'm 17 years older than star. We are living together and have seen each other for several years. We found each other on CM. I approached her. Lucky me, she has always liked older men.

I don't think we're unique in the kink or vanilla world. I can point to several well known and respected powerful men in America who have wives 20+ years their junior. Hopefully your parents will not think badly of you if he is the love or your life and you his; they will see that if not now then soon down the road. Live your life for you.

Arturas and star



Avalonlove -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 7:26:32 PM)

I was married to a man 31 years older than me and I went through all sorts of justifications in my head when I chose to marry him- he had a strong personality that I thought would be enough to balance out my natural Dominance but in the end I had to leave him after 12 years, taking our 3 kids with me. It had been hard to deal with being ostricized socially as a couple but it had more to do with not being able to tolerate his 50's style desire to be the man of the house and control everything. It was also hard to watch him turn into an old man. That's why even though I play happily with younger men I would prefer a man closer to my age for a committed relationship. It has nothing to do with whether my family approves.



Arpig -> RE: Age Differences, and Explaining It To The Family? (3/20/2011 7:50:56 PM)

quote:

It was also hard to watch him turn into an old man.
Yeah, that aspect of it always has bothered me about my preference as well. It doesn't seem fair to her in some ways.



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