do you allow.... (Full Version)

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understud -> do you allow.... (5/6/2006 7:13:38 PM)

i would ask a question please.  Do you every allow Your submissives or slaves the opportunity to vent?  At the proper time and place naturally. Close interactive relationships will grate on people, no matter how caring or how submissive.  Aside from overt mind control or arbitrarily forbidding any expressions of frustration; do you ever permit a valued submissive or loyal slave  the opportunity to take a some time to just go somewhere quiet and get  all the frustrations out of their system.  To rant and rave ;  pitch a blue hissy fit...until exhausted and give them chance to reorder their thinking on their own...A chance to get their mind right...so to speak...i realize  that ideally submissives and slaves should have no such thoughts, but life is seldom ideal and at some point tempers are bound to flare or feeling become bruised to the point of  disrespect.  Something i  firmly believe no one wants to happen; Domme or submissive or slave.  But there it is; when people interact this is bound to occur at some point and to some degree. So i humbly ask, aside from the above listed ...cures for this disaffection and improper mental attitude, do you or would you ever allow a valued possession  the chance to ...just cut loose and purge all the negative emotion that have built up over a span of time...In a appropriate place and time of course...If not; how do you restore the mental balance in your submissive or slave. i am framing this question with the understanding that the submissive  or slave had served faithfully and is in fact dear to You.  Things happen..
and negative emotions are a given...no matter how well masked  if they are if not relieved of defused effectively unfortunate results are almost certain. So if i may ask how do You; my betters deal compassionately with the storm you might see forming on the horizon.....
ever respectful and feeling a lot better:
bright eyed and bushy tailed:
....amazing what a little uninterrupted sleep will do for your outlook...
 
submitted respectfully understud.....



LadyHugs -> RE: do you allow.... (5/6/2006 8:40:37 PM)

Dear undersub, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I personally allow slaves to vent and give me all their frustrations and feelings.  It is no different from a form of Catharis--which comes from the Latin form of the Greek word Katharis--or purification.  By allowing this to happen, the emotions are released and it allows the restoration of peace.  Just like a car's radiator has a cap that keeps the pressure in the radiator, when it breeches the safety margin; or more heat then it can handle, it pops and lets steam/heat escape.  Now days, cars have an overflow bottle, but still works under the same principle.  This inability to vent, will cause a more of an explosion of emotions and or physical manifestations of stress and or anxiety.
 
But, I agree to your point; that it must be at a proper time and place, as not to cause undue attention to your situation.  People express themselves under tense situations in different manners, so if they are a bit different from normal understandings of "submissive" behavior, it would cause undue attention and interferences.  Best to handle in house before letting others handle it from the grandstands.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs



understud -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 3:52:21 AM)

Thank you for the information Ma'am. if i may inquire further on this subject.  Do you feel a mental defusing of these negative emotions as sufficient or  perhaps a more physical approach needed; if not both...ie... i keep an old twin mattress in another room; when  the boiling point it approaching i physically attack the mattress, trying to destroy it with my bare hands...after  say a half hour..i'm completely exhausted, both mentally and physically.  All the anger and resentment spent on an inanimate object.  No one harmed, no one insulted and strangely calm in my spirit ; the negative energies now spent and purged. Later i find i'm often able to laugh about the outburst and  reorder my thinking processes into more constructive patterns...What do you believe .  What do you allow submissive or slaves to take out frustration.  i really believe this a basic question for the  emotional well being and health of anyone or any household; regardless their social condition. 
respectfully submitted with grateful appreciation
 
understud



MstrssPassion -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 7:00:10 AM)

I think it is far better to help the individual find a way to purge the negative emotions as soon as they develop so that a pending explosion or untimely/misdirected outburst is an event that we have to schedule.

Why enable the negative.



Proprietrix -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 7:54:55 AM)

I think the need to vent can be drastically reduced if one consistently engages in forthright communication. If something is bothering my slaves, they need to speak up about it and communicate their frustrations before it reaches a boiling point. Consistent journaling also helps.

But yes, we are all human, and if it reaches a point where they are losing their temper, I'm not going to force them to "hold it in". That would simply lead to a bigger explosion later. I would recommend they "vent" in a nondetrimental manner though. Journal it. Chop wood. Take it out on a punching bag. Paint. Write. Scrub the floors. Practice their kickboxing. Expend the energy in a positive way. Then calm down, recenter, and get back to life.



thetammyjo -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 8:21:24 AM)

If one is to do 24/7 or even extended periods of Ds I think it is almost necessary for both of you to the ability to express how you feel -- negatively as well as positively.

Usually Fox is able to just tell me how he feels.

If he isn't he has a clear signal to tell me he needs to say some things or deal with some things: he calls me "TammyJo" instead of "Mistress" -- my name is a sort of emotional safeword you could say.

We're also agreed that both of us may need "away time" because since we are both childhood abuse survivors our anger and sorrow can be pretty intense at time. At that time either of us can say "I'm going for a walk alone" and then we leave the house. Neither of us do this often because we think its healthier to be able to talk about stuff than to leave but sometimes leaving is better.

This is what we do because of our unique circumstances.



understud -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 12:34:08 PM)

Ma'am if i may inquire further on the subject of journaling. Are your slaves limited as to what they might record in this journal...ie...as constrained by proper etiquette? Or can they simply...cut loose with both barrels...So to speak and let it all hang out.  If this is the case and no punches are pulled is it understood that no recrimination will result from the journal entries?
 
Genuinely curious now and as always
 
respectfully submitted
 
respectfully understud.....



thetammyjo -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 12:38:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: understud

Ma'am if i may inquire further on the subject of journaling. Are your slaves limited as to what they might record in this journal...ie...as constrained by proper etiquette? Or can they simply...cut loose with both barrels...So to speak and let it all hang out. If this is the case and no punches are pulled is it understood that no recrimination will result from the journal entries?

Genuinely curious now and as always

respectfully submitted

respectfully understud.....


Confused.

I didn't say anything about journaling.

We have tried it, I do it during training and find it useful, but I don't personally find it useful once you declare you are in a 24/7 relationship -- when are you really out of the Ds headspace enough to journal? I found that Fox was not able to get out of his head especially when he knew I'd read it from time to time.

We find it better to just talk as we need to.



understud -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 2:03:49 PM)

ooops sorry; i should have posted to Proprietrix Ma'am much apologies...stupid mistake.....



ladylexington -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 5:39:03 PM)

I get the sense that your also wondering if it's common practice for Dommes to allow their submissives the privacy to rant, rave, and generally blow off steam. Privacy, or lack of it, is specific to each relationship - although I think many submissives get at least a measure of it in some form.

I also sense that you may be seeking justification for diffusing your anger without discussing it with your Mistress. If this is the case, be careful. I've found that submissives who don't share distressing feelings often act out. They sometimes manipulate, try to top from the bottom, grow anxious, or become depressed. I personally believe it is one of the surest ways to sabotage a relationship.



thetammyjo -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 6:22:56 PM)

I think most of us need privacy from time to time if not often and I think that's a human need regardless of scene orientation or role.

Fox has his own room (ok, my floggers hang up on the wall but otherwise it is all his own space) and he has at least an hour every night that he can be alone to unwind from his paying job and regroup and refresh. Its worked for us for over 6 years now.

Goodness knows I need my privacy too though since I'm in academia I have a lot of time alone just doing research and prep stuff so I don't really crave any more.




theRose4U -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 9:41:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: understud

Thank you for the information Ma'am. if i may inquire further on this subject.  Do you feel a mental defusing of these negative emotions as sufficient or  perhaps a more physical approach needed; if not both...ie... i keep an old twin mattress in another room; when  the boiling point it approaching i physically attack the mattress, trying to destroy it with my bare hands...after  say a half hour..i'm completely exhausted, both mentally and physically.  All the anger and resentment spent on an inanimate object.  No one harmed, no one insulted and strangely calm in my spirit ; the negative energies now spent and purged. Later i find i'm often able to laugh about the outburst and  reorder my thinking processes into more constructive patterns...What do you believe .  What do you allow submissive or slaves to take out frustration.  i really believe this a basic question for the  emotional well being and health of anyone or any household; regardless their social condition. 
respectfully submitted with grateful appreciation
 
understud


I would say that holding things in this long is very very unhealthy.



Veryfewcan -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 9:49:07 PM)

It is human nature to vent. I vent by giving. It is my nature to give to others. So when I need to vent, I use that venue. It is a great way to vent some anger and still feel the binds that make me what I am.



understud -> RE: do you allow.... (5/7/2006 10:07:03 PM)

in reply to Ladylexington...
 
my respects Ma'am but no, i discuss these issues. i was only curious as to others handled the matter. Given some of the post i have read and my brief experience with the e-m's received...well
as i said, not much r/t as yet, still learning. i have been wanting to understand many things, but am coming to realize their are as many solutions  to problems as people.  Someone here told me there is no magic book of rules or what is or is not...it all depends on the people involved, the communication and trust.  i begin to see that now...still i try to understand more; to see all sides of any question...and now begin to see that's a most formidable task, as what works for one may not work for another...i believe if i can openly communicate with my One all else can be resolved, and in that my understanding of She will have of me...it's infernally hard to be new at anything, a job, a club, a neighborhood...but a whole new life style...wheeuh...so i do the best i can and rely on those who do know better such as you Ma'am thank you for the reply...
 
respectfully submitted
understud...



EbonyFtshGoddess -> RE: do you allow.... (5/8/2006 9:12:01 AM)

i allow my slaves to "vent" in their daily journals which i read monthly. they know they can vent anything in there and it will not be held against them.. but i WILL address it.

if they feel something is needing of immediate attention or address, then they can respectfuly ask to hold court with me and discuss it.

lastly.. they have a clause in my contract (section VII) that allows them the right to respectfully "beg to differ."

anything posed to me respectfully, unless they are restricted from speech at the moment, will be listened to.. anything else.. well.. either it can wait, or i really don't care.

my slaves don't vent per se.. but they know they can always tell me what they want to..

lol and their diaries prove that.. the other day someone wrote:

"I adore Goddess with all of my heart, but sometimes she can be so demanding and unreasonable. She never seems satisfied with anything I do, but I realize that she only wants near perfection from me, and she deserves nothing less. I was ONLY 3 minutes late of my curfew, but like she said, I could have come home 3 minutes early rather than staying out until the near last minute, so there is no excuse. Still, a part of me doesn't feel that I deserve the punishment I am to receive. I will however accept whatever she feels is necessary to mold me into her image."

i didn't get pissed that he wrote this. obviously he was saying in an "allowed to vent" sorta way.. dammit goddess you're a bitch and fuck i was ONLY 3 minutes late. they word things into their journals that they'd LOVE to tell me.. but know i'd slap them backwards if they did.. so they write it to me.. and we respectfully handled it.

that's just my way of doing things.. they are entirely allowed to express their opinions.

i've never had a slave *vent* on me.. nor do i ever expect to, nor would i allow it. they have ample opportunity to express any concerns.. if they vent.. either they're outta here.. or i'm fuckin them up.







Proprietrix -> RE: do you allow.... (5/8/2006 9:54:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: understud
Ma'am if i may inquire further on the subject of journaling. Are your slaves limited as to what they might record in this journal...ie...as constrained by proper etiquette? Or can they simply...cut loose with both barrels...So to speak and let it all hang out.  If this is the case and no punches are pulled is it understood that no recrimination will result from the journal entries?


I don't limit anything that a submissive wants to write in their journal. No sort of etiquette is required. I can't say that "no recrimination" will result. It depends on what they write. If they write "I hate my Mistress. She's a bitch and I wish I wasn't in this relationship." I'll most probably sit them down and talk about why they feel that way and if indeed they want to step back from the collar for a while. It wouldn't be healthy to keep in a relationship with someone who felt that way about me.



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