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MizSuz -> RE: Punishment to suit the crime - new Dom (3/28/2004 5:52:30 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaddyTomCat
I think it is her problem not mine? Can you explain exactly what you meant please
thanks again
I'd be happy to. <smile>
How do you feel when she discusses "more"? The answer may very well be right there (assuming it's your problem...and I'm not sure it is).
It's easy to feel a plethora of things if you are with someone who is communicating to you that what you are giving isn't enough. It doesn't matter if you're dominant or submissive. I got the impression that perhaps you are having some sort of inner struggle over it (and am quite willing to acknowledge that I could be wrong). The 'release her or punish her' alternatives seemed to indicate to me that you are a bit at your wits end or something similar. Are you?
If you have any sort of inner conflict about the situation then I suggest that there may be something for you to learn about yourself in this situation. Examples could be feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, frustration, being cornered, etc.
I'll give you an example. I have been friends for about three years with someone who wants nothing in the world more than me to marry him and move across country to be with him. He's reached a point where he understands that I will never marry him, so now he just shoots for getting me to move to be closer. I always decline and in the last year or so have stopped even responding in most instances. In the beginning he spent a lot of time trying to make me feel responsible for his unhappiness because I am not giving him what he wants. Were I someone with even a bit of codependency it would have been very easy for me to feel like a horrible person because I am not giving someone I genuinely care about what they profess they need to be happy. I've had too much therapy to be codependent in this regard. I'm quite clear that his unhappiness is founded in his refusal to accept my position as final. I'm of the opinion that he enjoys (or at least is addicted to the drama of) pining after someone he can't have. I do not feel the need to punish him for his desires, nor do I feel the need to do 'something' to deal with his painful feelings or to 'adjust' his feelings. They are his and he is welcome to them (even though they make him miserable). When interacting with him is not pleasant to me then I withdraw and refuse to participate, otherwise we enjoy each other's company and spend a good bit of time together (r/t and online).
If I was not able to clearly see that his misery is his own making, and realize that the best I can do is be forthright about my feelings and position, I might be motivated to try to 'fix it' for him...perhaps by either 'releasing him' (although I do not formally own him I could simply refuse to interact with him - thereby 'releasing' him from our current relationship) or by 'punishing him' when he communicates his desires, or by trying to 'train' him to think and feel another way. Since his feelings are of his own making and I have been very clear about my position, I feel no need to change the situation for him. He must find his own balance in it. It's not for me to find for him. He would tell you that since he's been held accountable for his own feelings in this way he has learned a great deal about himself that he may not have learned otherwise.
How do you feel about your submissive's want for more of you? Do you find yourself wanting to 'fix' her feelings or change them? If so, why? Do you feel responsible for her 'misery' because you can't give her what she wants? Do you feel pushed or manipulated? The notion that you need to take corrective action regarding the way she is feeling suggests you may have some of these feelings or something similar. If so, then I think the best course of action for you is to deal with YOUR feelings first so that YOUR feelings are not part of the dynamic you employ with her over this issue.
Have you discussed with her why she returns to a place where you have agreed not to go? Do you know whether or not she holds you responsible for these feelings she's experiencing or whether she is content to just feel the way she does while accepting that you do not feel this way or want these things? Why do you think that 'punishment' is an appropriate response to this situation? Do you realize that relationships are a living thing and therefore will change; and that periodic revisiting of rules, dynamics and goals is appropriate (as opposed to punishing for what seems obvious to me is the need to revisit the boundaries and definitions)?
When I suggested that it may be your problem I was suggesting that perhaps you have some feelings that you could learn from in this situation. It's quite possible, or even probable, that there is something to be learned for both of you in this situation. Do you realize that the only REAL power you have is over yourself? The power you have over her is the power she GIVES you and the bottom line is that it's not really YOUR power...it's hers. She has the power to make herself feel better in this instance, you do not. In this situation you have the power to change your own feelings, the power to change your own behavior, and the power to create a safe place for the both of you to explore this situation. You do not have the power to change her feelings...she must do that for herself.
You'll note that I have never addressed the drinking. I make no assumptions about her use of alcohol nor about her 'sneaking' to drink because I don't have enough information about it. Whether or not that is at issue (and is a contributing factor to the problem) is between the two of you to decide. It doesn't change anything regarding the above.
So, in the tiresome and repetitive way that therapists have I say to you "and just how do you feel about this?"
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