Relationship advice wanted (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

OriginallyFromLA -> Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 2:53:14 PM)

A couple years ao I had a taste of the lifestyle without really knowing it at the time. After the relationship ended badly I came here to find answers. I learned a lot, talked to many of you and all of the submissive wmoen I could find that would open up to me to get a pretty good idea of what made me a dominant and what it was about submissive beahavior that vibrated that tuning fork in my brain.

But I had just been laid of, I was still grieving over losing someone whom I loved dearly due to what amounted to bad timing and my own stupidity so I took the year off and worked on myself, got a new job, been promoted twice in the 4 months I've been there and have been trying to be more agresive and dominant in my everyday life.

So a few weeks ago I decided it was time to start dating again. I met a very nice vanilla woman, good looking great sex, and she just doesn't do it for me.

Then I meet a self proclaimed submissive who like me has had a taste and wants more, she tells me she thinks I'm hot, she rings my bell, and yesterday after she had attended a local meet and greet and a dungeon party she tells me she doesn't think I have the experience to handle her. She wants to know if I have a collection of restraints or toys. The answer to that is no, that stuf was all personal and it went with the ex since I had made it for her.

So all she can tell me is she wants it all, and that she would be too much for me to handle.

Apparently she was right because I can't for the life of me understand what she is talking about. I don't have some BSDM-U diploma or a dungeon set up in my basement. I don't share my dominant traits with just anyone. Vanilla girl would freak (I know, I tried).

So when this girl tells me at least some of what she is looking for and it's all right on par with what I'm looking for but she still is balking, I realized she had already decided so I left. I should say that it was her birthday coming up and I wanted to see her since I'm leaving on business and since we hadn't come to any "aggreement" about our dating status I wanted to see her and give her flowers. I also wanted to measure her for restraints that I was going to make while I was away, but I got the big blow off speech instead.

She's very good looking, stunning (one of you guys is getting lucky), and I just for the life of me don't understand what it was I was supposed to have done to "seal the deal" as it were.

I'm looking for a woman I can have a relationship with who is submissive, but she she is looking for a Dom that she can have a relatiosnship with. It's subtle but different. But I just don't get why we can't meet in the middle. I want to care, but it seems if I do, it's the kiss of death.

What is it I'm missing? I'm pretty sure I know what domination is, and it's not for the corner bar, but maybe I'm wrong.

So can you help a brother out? I'm on the road for the next 4 hours. I plan on going to a meet and greet as soon as I can find one and that dungeon party, but you know, I'm in IT. I've seen it all and done most of it. Humilliation, bondage, breath play, power exchange, letting her just be a woman and that's all, praise...I just don't get it but I'm definately willing to learn and thats why I'm asking.



leadership527 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 2:57:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA
and I just for the life of me don't understand what it was I was supposed to have done to "seal the deal" as it were.

There is nothing you could've done. She doesn't like you... you don't ring her chimes... whatever. But whatever is going on, for her to just brush you off that quickly and casually says it all. You'll never know why, exactly, she rejected you. I sincerely doubt it's for the reason given.

Stop and think for a moment. Do you REALLY want to try to form a relationship with someone who's evaluating you on the strength of your toy collection? Run far, run fast.



tazzygirl -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 3:25:31 PM)

Umm.. I prefer to have my own toy collection. Its a bit intimate, especially with some toys, to use toys that were used on someone else. Im squickish that way.



Palliata -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 3:35:52 PM)

Pretty much what leadership said - my guess is that the toy collection thing, and most of the rest of it, were just a nice way of saying 'your dominant energy doesn't make me want to submit.' It's possible that's a deficiency in your persona, but it's also possible that you two simply weren't compatible.

Overall I wouldn't lose sleep over it. As time goes on your energy will either get stronger or it won't, and there's little that will change that. More likely you simply need to find someone you're compatible with. Think about people you've dated in your vanilla years - there were some that you simply lacked a spark with, people who you weren't compatible for completely intangible reasons. Why should this be any different?

EDIT: Wall of text ftl



windchymes -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 4:25:55 PM)

She's by far not the only "stunning" girl in the world, or even in your town. Nothing resembling a relationship even began, so brush it off and move on. Relationships are hard enough, when you add BDSM-compatibility into the mix, it takes it up one more notch of difficulty. As Jeff said, there wasn't anything else you could have or do to make her come running to you. She paid you a couple of compliments to be nice, but when saw that you were interested in more, she let you know she was not. It's life, let it go, move on. The more girls you meet, the more likely it is you'll find one you are compatible with.

Remember, no matter how drop-dead gorgeous some girl is, there's a guy out there somewhere who's tired of putting up with her shit.



DesFIP -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 4:39:55 PM)

She just isn't into you. No chemistry. And since she's so stunning, she's used to guys chasing her based on her looks. Keep dating and find someone who is into you as much as you are into her.

And btw? Most of us date more than two people before we meet the one so your expectations that just because you identify as a d and she as a s, you will automatically match is as wrong as can be.



kdsusa7894 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 4:41:11 PM)

I'm not sure there was anything you could have done to "seal the deal". And if someone is going to decide not to be with you based on your toys- why would you want to be with them in the first place? You might want to think of it as a lucky break for you. And like most everyone said, there's more women out there, you just need to find the one that likes your type of dominance. And glad to hear your life is going much better.



poise -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 5:43:54 PM)

This reminds me of high school, where all the "hot girls" only wanted
to be seen with the guys with the cool cars. (or so I've heard)

Im hoping during your 4 hour drive, that you are coming to the same
conclusion as all of the responders have. She did you a favor.

Welcome back, and best of luck!



OsideGirl -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 6:21:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA


What is it I'm missing?
That she thinks she's the uber submissive and she's all that and the bag of chips.

Honestly, she's got a large ego tied into the idea of submission. And if she's stunning she's most likely got the guys paying lip service to get into her pants and she's let it go to her head.



SailingBum -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 6:28:26 PM)

uh find some other smoking hot bitch ..they are like buses they come along every few minutes.

BadOne



sirssubk2008 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 6:56:28 PM)

Forget her. If I'm understanding correctly she attended the meet and greet, and you didn't? Sounds to me like she just found someone 'hotter' there.
Whatever you do, don't try to change to fit someone else's perception of what you as a dominant should be. If you feel the part then you exude that. The person that is right for you will see this.



DarkSteven -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 7:02:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA


Then I meet a self proclaimed submissive who like me has had a taste and wants more, she tells me she thinks I'm hot, she rings my bell, and yesterday after she had attended a local meet and greet and a dungeon party she tells me she doesn't think I have the experience to handle her. She wants to know if I have a collection of restraints or toys. The answer to that is no, that stuf was all personal and it went with the ex since I had made it for her.

So all she can tell me is she wants it all, and that she would be too much for me to handle.



Note the bolded bits.  There's a possibility that she heard something bad about you at the munch or party.  More likely, she met fifteen Doms there, had her eyes opened, and decided that she could score a Dom closer to what she wants than you.

Helpful hint - this is where class comes in.  Tell her that you like her, and still want to stay in contact, and maybe swap notes as you both gain experience.  A lot of success is networking, and she may be in a position to put a sub your way sometimes in the future.





LillyBoPeep -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 7:41:07 PM)

if she's new, she probably met some "more experienced" guys claiming D status who told her they would be better to "show her the ropes" because they had toy bags brimming with $600 worth of kinky stuff. a lot of new sub women buy into that. they see the guy with the leather vest and the suitcase full of floggers and rope and whatever else and think "ah ha -- he knows what he's doing!" like poise said, this is like high school sometimes -- the guy with the cool car will often get the girl -- BUT she's the girl who cares about cool cars, and not necessarily people. =p
it's also possible that she thinks her looks will get her whatever she wants, and maybe she thought of herself as being out of your league.
honestly, you're looking for something different than she is, so maybe this really is positive for you.
quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA
I'm looking for a woman I can have a relationship with who is submissive, but she she is looking for a Dom that she can have a relatiosnship with. It's subtle but different.

there are a lot of fsubs looking for Dominant men who they can also build relationships/"futures" with; i don't really think there's a difference, really. the most important difference, though, will be in what those things mean to each individual person you meet. some people out there believe that Masters CAN'T love their s-types, and some believe that they can't do anything BUT love them. lots of people are searching for relationships, but what they're looking for may be different in the nuances.
have fun at the meet-n-greet and dungeon party. get out in your community (if "community" is even important to you) and mingle and meet people. there are lots and lots of s-leaning women out there. don't lose heart over one.



sexyred1 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 7:47:27 PM)

I will never understand why people don't get the truth. When someone is not into YOU, they will use every excuse (such as, you don't seem dominant enough) rather than just say they don't dig you.

I can assure the OP, that it doesn't matter a bit how much or how little experience someone has, if I am into a guy, I go there.

Why you would try to pursue someone who has expressed lackluster interest is a futile pursuit.

I find it interesting that you would describe her a "self proclaimed" submissive. What is there other than self proclaimed anything?

Curious what her being stunning has to do with the story; unless you are justifying your ongoing attempt to snag her.



OriginallyFromLA -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 9:25:20 PM)

well, this isn't so much about her as it is me. I'm not trying to win her back or anything. And I'm pretty much of the opinion that she met some othe guy she liked better or one that layed a line on her. Whatever, her loss. I'm looking forward.

As far as the stunning comment goes, I appreciate beauty, that's all. Just really liked looking at her.

My problem is that I've kept my dominant side on a leash for a long time. It's not so much that she's good looking (that helps) it's the whole submisive attitude thing. Before the dungeon party, she was all over me. That along with the whole talk of wanting to submit and the communication we had had up until that time rattled me.

That's what I'm trying to deal with. How to keep from getting rattled long enough to get into a relationship where we can start to explore. I get it. She's hot, she can have what she wants and I wasn't it. Today I'm cool with it. Last night I wasn't.

You guys seem so stone cold, but I get my biggest thrill by letting my dominant side out of the cage. The only woman I have ever really loved let me explore that. She was far from stunning to anyone but me. I'm hoping to find feeling that again.

And I know I will have to date, and date, and date and I may still never find the "right" one a second time.

But anyway, this goes beyond the lifestyle community. There are a lot of women out there that have the same "it". My dominant side can sense their submissive side. It starts rattling the chain and they hear it and run. It's like I have to play the whole "wait three days" game (I hate that game) or pay the price. And man I pay and pay and pay.

So what do you think? Lobotomy?



gungadin09 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 9:50:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA
...That along with the whole talk of wanting to submit and the communication we had had up until that time rattled me.

That's what I'm trying to deal with. How to keep from getting rattled long enough to get into a relationship where we can start to explore...

I know I will have to date, and date, and date and I may still never find the "right" one a second time.


i think i can relate. i tend to form crushes on the wrong people, and then have a tough time getting over it. When i get emotionally attached to someone, i *really* get attached. If it doesn't work out, it bugs me for a long time. What can i say, i'm a romantic. Or maybe that's just a euphamism for "pathetic, weak little pussy". i don't know.

i don't have any advice. Finding someone is tough, and Your nature will make it tougher, if You're anything like me. It sounds like You dogged a bullet, though, if that's any consolation. Good luck!

pam

P.S.- There's an upside to being this sentimental. Chances are the next one who comes along will seem just as perfect.



LadyPact -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 9:53:59 PM)

I'm actually mixed about some of the comments.  I'm in full agreement that there's a lack of a vibe there.  I'm guessing the so-so vibe with you was enough of a turn on until she went to the play party and then BAM!  Something, or someone rocked her world in a way that you didn't.  I'm not saying this to suggest that she is fickle.  I'm saying it because she may have gotten introduced to "more" than what was going on previously.

The thing about the toy bag, I feel might have been seen as a bit harsh by folks.  I'm looking at it from a different angle.  You mentioned that you don't have a ton of experience and from where she is right now, she wants that.  Maybe she wants somebody who is well versed in a lot of different types of play who can provide that to her without having to acquire things piece by piece.  She doesn't want to have to wait for that at this time in her life.  It doesn't mean that she's not relationship oriented.  It means that as a part of that relationship, she wants to experience a lot of different sensations during play.

Yes, some people have extensive toy bags and don't have a clue how to use any of it.  At the same time, some of us with extensive toy bags have been using the stuff for years and it can be like a kid in a candy shop when we take on a new submissive.  That doesn't necessarily make them shallow.  It means they are wanting someone who is a well versed, experienced Dominant who is also a kick ass top.

The compatibility might not have been there on both of those levels.  Obviously, she wanted those compatibility areas to match.



Arturas -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 10:13:16 PM)

quote:

So can you help a brother out? I'm on the road for the next 4 hours. I plan on going to a meet and greet as soon as I can find one and that dungeon party, but you know, I'm in IT. I've seen it all and done most of it. Humilliation, bondage, breath play, power exchange, letting her just be a woman and that's all, praise...I just don't get it but I'm definately willing to learn and thats why I'm asking.


Sure, my Brother.

I first miss-read your OP thinking all you need is to team up with a willing submissive, join a lifestyle club and learn together. But, you don't get it you say. You have the knowledge but no desire to employ it, no motivation other than to "get the girl". This is an natural male instinct, to do something to "get the girl" but in this case it will not work. The submissive will see through you like she can read your mind; rejection is no fun, right?
The motivation needed to come first. You might try going to a lifestyle club and perhaps that scene will trigger your desire, a motivation other than just to 'get the girl'.



Arpig -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/21/2011 10:16:51 PM)

Figure out what type of Dominant you are, then be that type of Dominant.



OriginallyFromLA -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 4:31:55 AM)

Well I have experience, but I don't have experience with multiple different people. And I don't want to be a Dom to get the girl, I want to get the girl so I can let my Dominant side breathe.

Think bull in a china shop. I know, how can I expect to control anyone else if I can't control myself first. I get that. But like Martial Arts, I need a willing sparing partner to help learn control.

I think I'm going to have to attend some events. Right now I have so much conditioning I'm working against. And there is no black and white and unles a woman is willing to communicate what she wants, that conditioning usually kicks in and keeps me from being strong enough. Weaker sex, protector all that.

Thanks guys/ladies



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
3.222656E-02