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abusemegood -> about who I am (5/7/2006 9:03:35 AM)
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I'm inexperienced so far. Being online reading about BDSM has made me intensely interested in pursuing aspects of my personality and sexuality that seem to have been waiting silently someplace all these years. I guess I'm having a great awakening of sorts. By day I am a modestly successful self-employed professional. I enjoy free time more than making money, but I do like my work as well. My past relationships have been vanilla with the occasional hint of power play, such as light bondage and playful spankings, and some aggressive role playing. Then came the Internet.
At first I looked at BDSM as costumes, props, and people who probably grew up religious and have guilt trips and secretive thoughts about sex. I still suppose that's part of the fascination with medieval settings like dungeons. Then looking closer I noticed the basic power component of the relationships, about control, freedom, self-expression, and exhilaration. I am unclear yet how exactly this all relates to my personal trip. At the outset here I only know I am strongly attracted to submission. Certain ideas or situations have an incredible effect on me to imagine.
I am typically casual, good-natured, congenial, a regular nice guy but no doormat, certainly not effeminate or submissive socially. Yet when I imagine BDSM scenes I place myself on the receiving end of control power, admonition, verbal abuse, direction and so on. Normally I like warm, fun and even sweet women. I still do for BDSM, but then I also want stern, and aloof, and even cruel affect and treatment from women. For BDSM purposes regarding men, it's even less clear to me what I'm after, only important that I am not in control. I don’t know if this is a desire to be relived of responsibility for bisexual feelings, or if being dominated by a man represents the ultimate form of submission. I'm hoping to sort it all out as I go, which is the whole idea.
As you might guess, I think about this at length. It puzzles me, because so much is not possible to anticipate and must be discovered through direct experience. It excites me greatly. I wonder what might be in it for someone Dominant who would spend their time acting upon me, guiding me, inflicting the pain and humiliation I crave, but then again that's the other side of the coin and I imagine that just like this seems to be a deep need in me, it would be a deep need in them. Maybe one day I would go that way myself, and switch. I am curious about that. I have some of those impulses as well.
In everyday practical terms, my situation is pretty good for BDSM play. I work from home, am self-employed, and so my schedule is flexible. I can host here as long as things don’t get too loud, since it is an apartment.
I don’t know what else to say about myself. I hope this didn’t sound like a personals ad. I have one of those here, too.
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