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RE: escape and continuation - 3/25/2011 10:49:24 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

OP Ive read your profile, and your journals, as well as many of your posts here...

Im sorry that this happened to you, but it happens to millions of people every single day.

BDSM has nothing to do with the intent of sexual assault. They are not in any way combined. Nor does someone saying they belong to the "community" make it so.

I know what it feels like to be raped, I know what it feels like to believe no one will do anything about it. I know its a bitter pill to realize you could have done something about it if only you hadnt been so weak to do so. I know what its like to be hit, to be abused to be harmed.

I pressed charges when necessary, and reflected on what was my part in the situation, how did i end up in an unsafe situation. If this happens in the future what can i do.

Take self defense, do not meet people from the internet with out a safe call, with out something set up to make sure you are in a place where this cant happen

Talk to a counsler, Talk to the DVCC in your area the CVC of your area. They will help you, even if the statue of limitations has passed, even if they cannot help with legal actions... they will help you...

Political clout means nothing to the police, in fact when theres a rape charge it means more then anything, they MAKE SURE the person doing the claiming is checked out because its one huge hell of a mess if they dont...

I dont know what else to tell you to offer you help other then you arent alone in this happening to you, and there is help to be had, you just have to reach out and take it...

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to ModTwentyOne)

Post #: 41

RE: escape and continuation - 3/25/2011 10:59:45 PM

Hippiekinkster

Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softweregurl

My opinion of this community is going down very rapidly at this point based on the replies I have recieved so far. The time frame indicatates that they have not even bothered to review my profile.

There is no "community". There are just a bunch of people who are perverts who do what they do.

I think Siskel and Ebert gave this flick 2 thumbs down.

_____________________________

"We are convinced that freedom w/o Socialism is privilege and injustice, and that Socialism w/o freedom is slavery and brutality." Bakunin

“Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.” Reinhold Ne

(in reply to softweregurl)

Post #: 42

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 12:50:43 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'll echo pretty much what everyone else has said.

We can do NOTHING except offer advice and moral support. You've been given numbers to call and advice on dealing with the legal system in your area.

What else can we do? What else do you EXPECT us to do? Your anger is frankly baffling to me. We haven't hurt you. We haven't betrayed you. We haven't done anything except offer you advice to get YOU out of the mess that YOU got YOURSELF into.

When you stop over-reacting to the kindness of strangers, maybe you can start to do something about your problem. Until then...good luck.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

Post #: 43

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 4:57:34 AM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

Okay I'll help out. A bit of advice, okay?

Like you I'm transgendered and part of the community. I'm a Brit.

Back in December 2007 I flew into the States bound for Mississippi to meet some people and pay a cultural visit. This was set up with the full knowledge of the US Consulate in London.

I never got there. I was stopped in Atlanta at the airport, had my stuff taken apart and despite conforming to all the entry requirements for the Visa Waiver Program and the purpose of my visit being confirmed by my contact I was interrogated, held overnight in the male wing of a jail in downtown Atlanta, denied access to water, bathroom, and everything else, searched by male US border guards during which I had my genitalia squeezed, threatened with fraud charges and immediate deportation, removed from the Visa Waiver Program and today I remain listed officially by the US Department of Homeland Security as an undesirable.

I got a lot of support from this site, from the community on both sides of the Atlantic, I have had politicians intervene but no result, including the state governor for Georgia Sonny Perdue.

I'm grateful for all that emotional support. I truly am.

Thing is, if anything it has strengthened my positive feelings towards Americans rather than turned me against them. The US authorities? They make mistakes too. However I have also taken some of the responsibility and if I ever visit the United States at some point in the future, be sure I'm not going to be flying into any hub anywhere in the south eastern states.

I'm sorry that I cannot help you any more, but I have been out all morning delivering leaflets to help save a local library from spending cuts and I'm about to head out to a demonstration in Central London demonstrating in a show of solidarity with opposition women MPs and women against further spending cuts which are targetting women.

When I get back home I will be working on materials trying to persuade people to campaign for a UN resolution on gender recognition in among all the other stuff I'm currently campaigning on for gender equality.

I promise to remember you while I'm out there marching and demonstrating and highlight the specific issues and dangers that trans women face, not just in the community, but in society in general.

i support you, but I would like to suggest a little bit of introspection and attitude adjustment if you really want support and help from people.

You may however choose to disregard this and continue your battle with the community as a whole and hold them accountable for something which really doesn't have anything to do with them.

I wish you luck. You sure do need it.

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to softweregurl)

Post #: 44

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 6:48:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You picked one abuser and then picked another. You need to learn how to make healthier choices.
In the meantime, consult an attorney and have him help you file protection orders against these people.

But if you are no longer in contact with those people, then why are you at risk still? Your post is unclear as to what you want or need. We've advised you as to what we see as your needs, which obviously has nothing to do with what you want.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to softweregurl)

Post #: 45

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 6:51:08 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

fr

there is only one thing that comes to my mind having read all this, and checked out your profile.....how not to make friends and alienate people. because that is certainly what you are doing here.

you have been asked repeatedly what it is that you actually want from everyone. all you do is insist that something is done and get angry and offencive when people have done just that. i'm new here but i have been, and are a member of other sites and have never seen anything like this.

you can not say you didn't put yourself in these situations, you are an adult and certainly in the first instance put yourself with this person. so you didn't ask for the resulting actions, but even so if it happened you go to the police and kick up a fuss until they do something. even if they have experience of you before that is not good they still have to treat you the same as anyone else. if you prove to be wasting their time then they deal with you as needed.

other than what other members have already suggested i don't see how anyone can help. it is not up to any one person here to help you. no-one knows you or your situation. the best thing to do is go to the police, nothing more. your family and friends are the ones you need support from, not strangers here. we can all offer empathy but you don't want it apparently. we weren't there, we were not part of it, we have no idea what happened and why. only you know all that and the others involved.

there is nothing that any of us can do and you are wrong to expect us to. you are also wrong to then gripe at people because they are not reading your mind to find out what you want. everyone has done what they can for you.

needles

ETA i'm also wondering, if you are in fear of your life by telling us what you really want, posting here so opening with pics of yourself in your profile would already have put you in that danger wouldn't it? just saying.

< Message edited by needlesandpins -- 3/26/2011 6:54:31 AM >

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 46

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 9:00:42 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

OP - your communication style is very difficult to understand. It isn't clear at all. We can't read your subtexts - all we can go on is what you literally have posted - and from what i read, you don't have a clear objective or goal in mind.

I also read your profile, and it isn't clear either. Perhaps if you proof read your posts, you could make them a bit more ..... readable.

and while i live no where near you, the people that tried to hurt you have my scorn. Of course, you also bear some responsibility in the situations. So, one spank for you , two for them.

(in reply to Asfixation)

Post #: 47

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 9:24:08 AM

ModTwentyOne

Posts: 2504
Status: offline

Perhaps my prior warning was unclear. I shall rectify that here: Unless you have something constructive to say to the OP, do NOT post on this thread.

If in any way that is unclear, feel free to drop me a private note.

Mod21

_____________________________

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 48

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 9:43:36 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

No offense, TwentyOne, but some of the last few comments are constructive.

Kinky folks do tend to be helpful people. A lot of groups and organizations do various things that could be called community outreach. Those instances are too numerous to list, so I won't even go there.

At the same time, I think people in general are more likely to offer help when it's asked for, rather than demanded. Compassion flows a lot easier when the person who needs it doesn't put up their own barriers. (Kind of like what's going on here.) From the thread, I still really don't know what this OP wants people to do. In addition, I really think she expects other folks to do more than she was willing to do for herself. Even if we could figure out what she wanted, there's really nothing to go on as far as knowing for sure what she wrote here is true. What's in the original might have really happened. Then again, it might not have. Pretty much the same argument about why there's no blacklisting here because it's really hard to prove what people say when they create a thread.

If this OP really wants some help, I think she's got a much better shot of it in the physical community than on a message board. Changing the approach would probably do her a world of good. If someone came into your local munch group ranting and raving (which is the equivalent of how this went electronically) it isn't going to be as effective as just walking in and politely asking the members if they know about resources. Somebody just yelling "pay attention now" isn't going to work nearly as well.

ETA - I know you said a private note, but I do kind of think the OP needs to hear why her approach isn't going over so well.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 3/26/2011 9:45:36 AM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ModTwentyOne)

Post #: 49

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 9:48:42 AM

ModTwentyOne

Posts: 2504
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

No offense, TwentyOne, but some of the last few comments are constructive.

I was speaking of the half dozen or so posts that I removed, not what is still showing. My apologies for being unclear.

Since no one has noticed, I will point out that the OP took my advice to take a deep breath and slow down and think before hitting the "OK" button to post. I cannot say the same for the posters whose comments were removed.

Mod21

_____________________________

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 50

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 3:27:26 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ModTwentyOne
I was speaking of the half dozen or so posts that I removed, not what is still showing. My apologies for being unclear.

Since no one has noticed, I will point out that the OP took my advice to take a deep breath and slow down and think before hitting the "OK" button to post. I cannot say the same for the posters whose comments were removed.

Mod21

Ahhhhhh. Fair enough. I hadn't seen those.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ModTwentyOne)

Post #: 51

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 6:03:10 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: ModTwentyOne
I was speaking of the half dozen or so posts that I removed, not what is still showing. My apologies for being unclear.

Since no one has noticed, I will point out that the OP took my advice to take a deep breath and slow down and think before hitting the "OK" button to post. I cannot say the same for the posters whose comments were removed.

Mod21

Ahhhhhh. Fair enough. I hadn't seen those.

me neither

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

Given this thread, I am very glad that I have not provided may details that will be used against me.
LOL You really are full of yourself aren't you? Do you really think any of us actually care about you enough to bother? I'd rather watch paint dry.

*passes Arpig a pot of paint and a brush to paint his fence*

*nails together my mail box to protect it*

*to make sure to take care of myself*

*goes off to bed*

Good night folks

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 52

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 10:32:28 PM

TheShrew

Posts: 519
Joined: 2/15/2009
From: The state I live in? Confusion.
Status: offline

I wonder if your struggle to understand the lack of {whatever} help you sought is due to the way you are using, {and possibly viewing}, the word "community." What it means, loosely translated, is a group of people ..

1. Living in a particular area -- {we dont, we just have a common interest}
2. Sharing a common interest -- {we do, but we don't live in a particular area}

~ If you view 'community' as the former that is problematic because CM is akin to an "International Community." Hence, there is little to nothing someone can do for you when they're in a different hemisphere. It can't be done.
~ If you view 'community' as the latter then you're specifically calling upon the users of CM. This is equally as problematic because you'd be asking the users of this site to police the users of this site. It can't be done.

Either way you view it, being that "communities" are formed of individuals you have to anticipate there will be both good and bad in the mix. As such, the responsibility of the safe gaurding of self falls to each individual.

That being said, the portion which sticks out from your posts is this..
..."do you realy want to see me dead?! ""'
.. if your life is truly in peril, log off and call the authorities. You said the locals did nothing, my advice is to try the state. I have never seen state authorities fail to supercede the power of a local jurisdiction when it came to matters of life and death. Best of luck.

{Mod21, love the sig-tag. Free Will, Rush. I used that years ago. Props, to you.}

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 53

RE: escape and continuation - 3/26/2011 10:58:37 PM

hausboy

Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

Dear softweregurl

What happened to you--whatever it was--was obviously traumatic and upsetting. Your original post asked us to defend the BDSM community against abusers--and by "us"--the wide, wide world of CollarMe users, which is about 1000 strangers online at any given time, coming from many countries, backgrounds and levels of experience.

A few years ago, Patrick Califia (then Pat) wrote an article that talked about our community policing itself. I don't know about the other leather/BDSM communities, but the Lesbian Community did a fairly decent job of this. (not perfect, mind you) The ugly side of it, however, was that some people did get accused of things that were not true (Patrick was one of them) and it's one of the main reasons why we don't see "blacklists" on these virtual communities.

Okay. Now--you've asked our opinions on the matter, and what steps we intend to take to resolve it. I believe those were your exact words.
It's hard to give you an opinion on a matter that none of us know the truth about. I'm not asking for intimate or painful details--my point is that no one here could ever possibly give you a fair opinion on something that we truly can say we know nothing about: the specifics of whatever injustice, indignity and crimes you've been the victim of.

You've asked what we will do to help you resolve it--and again-- if the issue is the crimes perpetrated, no one online or otherwise can really step into that. If the local authorities cannot or will not help, find the support where you can to help you cope. If you are looking for blacklisting, vigilantism, or some other "action" --I'm afraid that's not a realistic expectation.

We (collective "we") have an obligation to educate our communities about abuse and rape--because it does happen. We have an obligation to keep unsafe players out when feasible, if they have clearly presented a threat to others. We have an obligation to ourselves, to take care of ourselves and seek help when it is needed.

No stranger on the internet has any obligation to step into the personal affairs of another, especially when it involves such a volatile and intimate matter. Denouncing the "community" here at CM (and I use that term very loosely) is really lashing out unnecessarily.

You didn't get the answers you needed to hear. You likely won't hear them here. Please consider a professional counselor who you trust, who can help you work through the emotions you are experiencing. What happened to you must have been tragic-- but to isolate yourself from a community which could potentially offer you support and solace would be tragic as well.

best of luck to you.

(in reply to softweregurl)

Post #: 54

RE: escape and continuation - 3/27/2011 11:09:33 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Reply to OP:

Where do I live? I live in Daytona Beach where there is plenty of tea and sympathy to spare. You are welcome to a healthy portion of both if you can shut up and quit whining.

You seem to find yourself in the "victim" position and you may (or may not) be using it to get attention. You went to the church and now you come to us. We certainly aren't gonna' change what happened or go beat them up for you liike we're your big brother. So I wonder why you did make this post . . . troll?

I can only speculate that you don't have enough "tea and sympathy" in your personal life and seek that attention here. Maybe the best thing to do is to have a good chat with a close friend and get all this crap off your chest. You say you aren't gonna hold the BDSM community accountable for your mistakes on one hand then I see you proffer that your "opinion of this community is going down very rapidly". Come to your senses and stop being silly. No one here gives a shit about a foolish troll's opinion of us. If came for help, that's another story.

I normally don't answer threads like this because the troll bait in the OP is so self evident. But you wrote me, linked this and asked me to post so I did. Now straighten up, quit crying, show some respect and fix your problems.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to softweregurl)

Post #: 55

RE: escape and continuation - 3/27/2011 11:26:29 AM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
You're pixels on a screen - and not just that, but you're angry pixels. Nobody really deep-down cares what angry pixels think.

Very well said...I don't think you appreciate this board much OP when you aren't able to shrug off the opinions you don't like or the ones who try to insult you...why do you expect people on here to be any different then the ones in real life?

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 56

RE: escape and continuation - 3/27/2011 12:07:21 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

The BDSM "community" is a fringe (away from the mainstream) sub-culture, and as such attracts predators and victims alike. This says nothing specific about the BDSM community, all fringe sub-cultures attract predators and victims.

Most BDSM communities do a fairly good job of policing themselves. They have fairly strict rules of behavior in terms of what is allowed at a play party, and will openly reject anyone who appears too predatory. This has been my rather long term experience with real time communities.

I am quite unsure based on the OP's posts and profile exactly what transpired and what she wants us to do. When you are held captive against your will, a/o raped, the police authorities are who you consult. If they do not respond, the DA, the newspapers, the ACLU would all like to know about it.

The OP has been given some marvelous advice, the best of which is to find a therapist to help you through this trauma. Preferably a kink and transgendered friendly one. And BTW, it's also been my experience that most therapists tend to be quite kink and transgendered friendly, if you give them the chance.

Unfortunately, there is no way this CM forum can police this situation for the OP or even really help her through it, as she is too angry to behave as anything other than a drama llama.

To the OP: Calm yourself down to the point you can speak without screaming, then find someone REAL TIME in authority to help. Best of luck.

_____________________________

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 57

RE: escape and continuation - 3/27/2011 12:15:20 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softweregurl

do you realy want to see me dead?!

Deleted because of expected censorship. I had missed 20's warning as I scrolled own

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 3/27/2011 12:17:06 PM >

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to softweregurl)

Post #: 58

RE: escape and continuation - 3/27/2011 12:59:20 PM

lazarus1983

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/25/2006
Status: offline

So let's assume for a second that there is an all powerful entity from the Great Beyond known only as Community.

Why on earth would Community automatically and without question believe anything you've said? To blindly charge forward based on what some person said on an internet message board is the height of stupidity. Why doing that could lead to something bad happening. An assault. Or a kidnapping.

_____________________________

The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.

- Ayn Rand

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 59

RE: escape and continuation - 3/27/2011 6:31:00 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
To the OP: Calm yourself down to the point you can speak without screaming, then find someone REAL TIME in authority to help. Best of luck.

This. Are You still around, OP?

OP, we're not all hateful people out to get you. i'm sure we can't do much to help, but we pretty much all wish You well. We don't sit around waiting to catch someone new, who's hurting, so we can throw a bunch of sticks at 'em and piss 'em off. If that's what You think, well, You're wrong. Remember the line from that song, "...squint your eyes and look closer..."? Well OP, 'ya ain't seeing right.

Your emotional level is hurting Your judgement, and, frankly, Your credibility. It's difficult to understand anything You say, but You have been given loads of good advice, as well as a fair measure of sympathy. That's all any of us can do.

i know it's a lot to ask at a time like this, but please try to calm down. You seem hysterical, You keep lashing out... and it's NOT helping Your case.

i genuinely wish You well. If You lived anywhere near me i might tell You to come over and chat, have some coffee. i don't understand why You can't see that despite our blunt, in-your-face collarme ways, many of us have really tried to help You, as far as it were possible. i don't know if You've had problems with hazing and bullying in the past, and that's coloring Your perceptions now. For the record, i think most of us are on Your side, if You would let us be.

Good luck to You. i understand myself what it's like to put up a wall of anger and attitute because of something bad that happened in the past. It protects You from getting hurt again, but it also cuts You off from the help You *might* have received from others. i think You'd be wise to remember that the next time You try to talk to somebody about this. Or do what i did for about a year, just rant in Your journal. Let it all out. It feels good, and You don't even have to post it if You don't want to.

Again, best of luck to You.

pam

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 60

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