Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/2/2011 11:37:50 PM

mmmistress

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/2/2010
Status: offline

I have met a submissive MARRIED Man, had a great connection/session, first time we met. Altho I've lived a vanilla lifestyle I am serious about learning the ways of being a Mistress. We plan to meet again soon, but I struggle with being dominant via emails to a man who is married, and really I don't feel its possible to dominate him because of that fact. He wants me to act dominant in writing, but I struggle doing that, or don't know how to do it, it's that married issue, and me being single there's no way I can insist anything as its beyond my control. I really want this to happen but don't know how to proceed other than I mentioned we meet again for lunch, which he has agreed too, but has gone quiet on site and not messaged me for a time. I think he wants me to dominate him into meeting and I don't know how to handle this. He is very intelligent, and is in a powerful role within his work environment. HELP ME PLSE. I don't need you to tell me where I'm going wrong with a married man K. Thanks to all who have positive imput, and any suggestions as to how I handle him/this
mmmistress

< Message edited by mmmistress -- 4/2/2011 11:49:43 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/3/2011 12:00:15 AM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

Giant text is giant...

I won't get into the married bit except to say be careful - he's trying to get you to dominate him into meeting so he doesn't feel guilty over this. There's a lot of ways this situation could go south.

As to the ways to be dominant in text, that's may be challenging, especially for someone new. There are doms far more experienced than I who struggle in text for whatever reason. Honestly to me it's always been fairly effortless, but I come from the text generation so I've probably spent more time communicating in writing than I have verbally over the years.

I think the key is to let go of your desire to be dominant in text, and most definitely let go of his desire for it, and just communicate. Proper dominance isn't something that you agonize over, that you carefully craft, it's simply an extension of your being. Be confident in your position in this partnership, which I remind you is and must always remain the superior one, and that dominance will shine through if you have it in you.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 2

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/3/2011 12:01:04 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm guessing his wife doesn't know about his 'bit on the side'? You've already figured out that you can't dominate him outside of the time you're actually physically together. And even then you're constrained by the need to not leave any 'reminders' on him that his wife could find.

Why would you want to put yourself in that position? Your profile says you want to find a single man, and you even put 'single' in caps because it's important to you. Why settle for second best? Because with a married man who is doing this without the knowledge of his poor wife, and if you're looking for a relationship rather than just play/sex, that's all you'll ever be.

As for the 'dominating him into meeting' - why should you need to do that? If he wants to meet you, then when you say 'meet me here at this time', then he'll be there. At the moment he's ignoring you because you're not doing what he wants you to do. And you're stressing a little about how to make him happy. From that angle, HE'S the top and YOU'RE the bottom.

My advice? Dump his manipulating, cheating ass and find yourself someone worth your time, effort and attention.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 3

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/3/2011 8:51:19 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

If you are in fact serious about being a Mistress, then the first thing you should learn is that you are in charge.

If you're in charge, then why the hell are you wasting your time with a cheater who's trying to manipulate you? Dump him and get a real man.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 4

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/3/2011 9:37:32 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

There will be other men that float your boat. He does it for you in some ways but isn't a good match. Let him go. You're not doing yourself any favors by trying to fit the bill for him - you're cheating yourself in the process.

You are in the driver's seat here, there will be a lot of other opportunities. Figure out what you want and take it when it comes your way, dont worry about bending your needs to suit someone else. He can't even reciprocate past a certain point....there's the whole married thing in the way there. You already recognize this. I don't understand why you are even contemplating things with this man when it's clear that it goes against things that you have said you do not want for yourself.

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 5

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/3/2011 8:19:41 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mmmistress

I don't need you to tell me where I'm going wrong with a married man K.

Ummm... apparently you do need someone to tell you where you're going wrong -- with a married/cheating spouse. You want to be "dominant"??? Fine... then begin by being responsible. This dynamic is about "consent". If he his married, and his wife hasn't consented to you being involved with her husband, then you have no consent to dominate -- just the opportunity to assist another to cheat. If you're fine with that, then you're hardly the "Mistress" you fancy yourself to be.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 6

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/4/2011 4:59:45 AM

marti200965

Posts: 24
Joined: 3/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

If you are in fact serious about being a Mistress, then the first thing you should learn is that you are in charge.

If you're in charge, then why the hell are you wasting your time with a cheater who's trying to manipulate you? Dump him and get a real man.

This one.....read it.....rinse....repeat until you understand

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/4/2011 4:58:13 PM

mmmistress

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/2/2010
Status: offline

I understand what you are saying, and as I read your reply, I said to myself "true" so true. Thanks for yr reply - although I struggle moving on from this sub.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 8

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/9/2011 2:59:21 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mmmistress

I have met a submissive MARRIED Man, had a great connection/session, first time we met. Altho I've lived a vanilla lifestyle I am serious about learning the ways of being a Mistress. We plan to meet again soon, but I struggle with being dominant via emails to a man who is married, and really I don't feel its possible to dominate him because of that fact. He wants me to act dominant in writing, but I struggle doing that, or don't know how to do it, it's that married issue, and me being single there's no way I can insist anything as its beyond my control. I really want this to happen but don't know how to proceed other than I mentioned we meet again for lunch, which he has agreed too, but has gone quiet on site and not messaged me for a time. I think he wants me to dominate him into meeting and I don't know how to handle this. He is very intelligent, and is in a powerful role within his work environment. HELP ME PLSE. I don't need you to tell me where I'm going wrong with a married man K. Thanks to all who have positive imput, and any suggestions as to how I handle him/this
mmmistress

You THINK he is quiet because you aren't being dominant in your messages? Have you considered he got what he wanted from you (first meet/session) and he has moved on to tthe next "toy" that will satisfy his extra marital urges?

As others have said (more politely), you are deluding yourself to think you were anything more to this guy but a way to scratch an itch. At best he is lying to his wife and manipulating you. Develope some self respect and move on.

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 9

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/9/2011 10:14:58 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

married and being a sub is possible but all in the dynamic need to be involved. i would suggest ordering him to bring his sig other with to the next meeting. other than that when you do get another meeting establish what is wanted and how it is to be done.

_____________________________

proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 10

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/10/2011 2:12:16 PM

SSBBWPam

Posts: 24
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

If you are in fact serious about being a Mistress, then the first thing you should learn is that you are in charge.

If you're in charge, then why the hell are you wasting your time with a cheater who's trying to manipulate you? Dump him and get a real man.

This.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/12/2011 9:50:03 PM

XXMystiqueXX

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/4/2011
Status: offline

No lectures on the *married man* part of this situation. The only thing I wish to add is look what you are doing to You! Why waste your time with someone who can never truly be yours? While you are spending time and energy on this relationship you are missing out on possibly meeting a terrific HONEST male sub who would adore you and treat you as you deserve to be treated. Keep in mind the old saying "If he cheated on her he will cheat on you". Trust me........I learned this the hard way. My only defense is that the <ahem> dom I was with actually swore on his children he was divorced AND told me where to go find his divorce records online when he couldn't produce them to show me. While the SM play in that relationship was fantastic and addictive I cannot say the relationship was truly good because it was not based on honesty on his side. Don't waste your time like I did. Best of luck to you in this.

(in reply to SSBBWPam)

Post #: 12

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/13/2011 1:37:30 AM

CherryNeko

Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline

How you should handle him. Handle him like you want to, not like he wants you to. Indeed, he may be married, but why do you want him anyway?
I think you should focus on that reason and let the inspiration come from there.
Reading books on any subject is the key to confidence in practice, if you're a beginner.

Just a couple of things more...
1)

quote:

He wants me to act dominant in writing, but I struggle doing that, or don't know how to do it...

He may want a lot of things, but you shouldn't be this affected by it. You don't have to do what he says, because he is the sub and it's not up to him. Having him give the orders may be a pain in the a**, for both of you.

2)

quote:

I think he wants me to dominate him into meeting and I don't know how to handle this

Too much pressure again. You have this great ability to see what he desires, but you rely quite excessively on it. The sub is pleased when pleasing the dom, so you don't have to do anything just because you think that's what he wants. Make sure you have a good reason, and have fun too. (Yes, having fun IS the good reason...) Little by little, and carefully.

(Cause if he continues pushing you that much, then maybe he's the dominant and neither of you has thought about it...)

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 13

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/13/2011 6:48:36 PM

AngelDaRainha

Posts: 21
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

Ok first off, not all married men are "cheating". I had a married man serving me for over 7 years. His wife knew about his need to serve, she tried in every way to be his Dominant, but it just wasn't in her. She agreed to him finding and serving a Domme, as long as there was no sex involved. They both loved each other very much and had no interests in anything more than him being able to submit and fulfill his submissive needs.

I chatted with her, as well as with him. My orders did not just include Me, I would make him do things for her around the house, be attentive to her, etc... I found the experience very fulfilling and enjoyable.

That being said, I would not get involved with a married man if he was not honest with his wife and me, both. Honesty and trust is very important, I can not trust a man if he is already lying to his wife, I don't know how anyone could.

And sometimes, asking/hoping someone will and can dominate is not enough. On the outside, you may be able to give demands, but if its not heartfelt and you aren't comfortable with it all, it may come out very differently (forced). Another problem, much like the married man who had a wife that tried but didn't find it within herself to be comfortable with the situation. D/s is not for everyone, although exciting on the forefront, once they get into the deeper aspects of it, it becomes more robotic in responses, than natural.

I generally tell a married man, talk to your wife, first and foremost... ya never know, she may be wishing you were submissive but afraid to tell you, for the same reasons he's afraid to tell her. Afraid of what the other may think of them.

But I agree with everyone, if he's dictating everything, you've become his toy/puppet, once he's gotten what he wants, he's probably moved onto the next one. Don't waste your time on someone who dictates how you should be dominating them, because in reality, you're submitting to what he wants, he's not really submitting to you.

_____________________________

~To touch the soul of another is to walk on holy ground ~ Of course I use My sadist heels to walk ;)

I'm a wicked sadist, I get my pleasure from your pain, tears and surrender!

(in reply to CherryNeko)

Post #: 14

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/14/2011 12:57:13 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

He wants me to act dominant in writing, but I struggle doing that, or don't know how to do it, it's that married issue, and me being single there's no way I can insist anything as its beyond my control.

Keep in mind that your domination of him will always be mostly fantasy especially if it is primarily email-based. His wife and family responsibilities will always come before you and your desires. To him, you are a masturbation aid, little more.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to mmmistress)

Post #: 15

RE: Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub - 4/15/2011 5:05:36 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

I agree with the posters who have mentioned that you can only dominate him if his wife knows and agrees to it or dumps him

if he cheats behind her back he is using you, you might still have some nice sessions with him, sharpen your claws a bit... you could use him too obviously but you won't have the same sort of power and commitment... some people play blackmail games though... maybe that's an idea?

these boards are extremely harsh on people who cheat... or people who aid cheaters... so many moral people on a sex site...

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 16

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Vanilla to Domme, and how to handle a married male sub

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.750