Acting up ....

Acting up .... (Full Version)

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mixielicous -> Acting up .... (5/8/2006 7:52:16 AM)
Ok, i hope not to come off sounding vain, or overly prideful or anything in this post, but i think i need some advice on this one - if any Masters have gone thru this with Their sub/slaves i am generally, extremely well behaved. the only time i get punished is for skipping class. i am non agressive, and say "as you wish" lately though, i have been acting up. nothing 'major' - but still disrespectful in His opinion. Maybe a pinch, or blatently tickle Him [this is a huge no-no and i have written an essay on the matter eek] nothing severe, no "no" saying, or being lazy ... but this isnt in my nature and i dont understand what would trigger such a thing. i recieved my first direct punishment over the matter this morning, and still, i was unable to identify the root. [usually after punishment for me there is great clarity]. He hasnt been lax in my spankings [i recieve a weekly punishment to keep me feeling dominated] and there hasnt been less sex or something like that. i understand no one can offer me a direct answer, i am not looking for one, just maybe an idea or someone who has a similar experience to share.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Acting up .... (5/8/2006 7:58:46 AM)
If you cannot know, then we certainly can't. Usually acting up comes from a place of insecurity. It sounds like you both have set up a relationship that constantly guards against "losing the feeling." While this is understandable- it's also exhausting, and it takes focus away from simply "being who you are" and "being secure." Instead of getting into the misbehave-punish-misbehave cycle, next time, just TALK. Don't punish, don't even go there or think about it. Just TALK about why you did what you did. Break out of the cycle, figure it out right then and there. And then see how you respond withOUT punishment. You might find that you've built up a desire for the NEED to feel needed, that you want the attention of the punishment, that you are addicted to the reinforcement. And if not, at least you've tried something and can move onto the next thing. You also might be tired of the constantly "needing to act right" and are ready to move into "just being relaxed together." He might view this as again "losing the feeling" and punishing against it, when you are just trying to relax into a level of deeper intimacy. I always say that teasing is a great form of intimacy. So talk together and maybe you can see eye-to-eye on how "being cute and cuddly" doesn't have to translate into "misbehaving." The problem with making so many rules for behavior is that it often leads to a GREATER tendency to need to push the rules. It should be a natural process together.

CrappyDom -> RE: Acting up .... (5/8/2006 8:13:49 AM)
Once again LA provides excellent advice... Here is my pale attempt, has anything changed in his or your life? Problems in school, a new secretary for him? Something that has you feeling insecure? Acting out is very often a passive aggressive way of asking for attention. I also just read your journals and see that not only is this your first D/s relationship but from your posts I hear your Master is one who is quite strict. Perhaps as LA stated you are starting to relax and want a bit more emotional nourishing and are unconsciously asking for it. I think it is important to look at how you are "acting up", you aren't being disobedient but are doing something that for you feels loving. I think LA got it right by saying you are signalling for a "level of deeper intimacy."

mixielicous -> RE: Acting up .... (5/8/2006 8:22:45 AM)
ah thank you LA and CD- this is an aspect i did not think of. while running through the list of 'typical scenarios' all i could come up with was, maybe, pushing boundaries, but this made no sense to me, because i am fairly sure i know them. on the cycle note, we are fairly good at communication, and we also do have a very loving relationship [hence my dumbfoundness toward the behavior]. we HAD been communicating, trying to ID the problem, but after, i would say five or six 'incidents' He decided talking wasnt yet making an impact and reinforced it.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Acting up .... (5/8/2006 9:15:41 AM)
Very strict masters can feel one dimensional to a slave add a giggle, a cry and some playfulness and now you have a real person. Bdsm is a journey. A very strict master is already at the destination, a new sub still has so much exploring to do, but a very strict master is unwilling to go on the adventure with her. It like you both decided you wanted to take a vacation to the French country side, and he shows up, hands you a ticket and then tells your hell meet you back at the air port. Yes you will have a great time, learn lots and meet great folks, but it will also be very lonely. Of course you are acting up, you want more from this then he is willing or able to give.

Focus50 -> RE: Acting up .... (5/9/2006 3:52:54 AM)
These can be the toughest questions when strangers aren't privy to all that goes on in your relationship. But my gut feeling is that the problem isn't small or isolated but goes to the "bigger picture" of your whole relationship. In trying to identify the root of the problem, I think that (metaphorically) you're trying to see a tree but there's a damned forest blocking your view.... I think the problem stems from here: quote: ORIGINAL: mixielicous [i recieve a weekly punishment to keep me feeling dominated] To me, your behaviour is that of a "normal" sub testing the boundaries of your D/s relationship (as all subs do) and finding that they're a little too flexible than you'd subconsciously like. So you push a little harder and a little more often in seeking reassurance and before you know it, you don't even recognise or approve of the brat you've seemingly become.... Solely my opinion of course, but the problem is not yours - you're doing what subs do.... The problem is that your dom is letting you get away with little things and now they're becoming big things. Personally, I don't have regular punishment rituals to keep my girl "feeling dominated". I take charge whenever I feel like it and especially when she's acting up. It just comes naturally.... All Doms (all people, in fact) have up and down times and when my girl pushes the boundaries too much or too often, I know it's an unintended and non-malicious reminder that I've probably been slacking. Discipline works both ways in D/s and yours are the actions of one crying out for him to take charge at a greater relationship level. Focus.

mixielicous -> RE: Acting up .... (5/9/2006 5:03:58 AM)
yes regular spankings arent something that we had in the beginning. it was implemented to avoid me needlessly doing things to get me spanked. thruth be, i like to always be able to feel His power; and until Aug, when we can live together, i do not feel very dominated in my day to day life, so He has been so kind to give me my 'reminders' Him being too flexable is very feesable.

NJSubGirl -> RE: Acting up .... (5/9/2006 7:22:13 PM)
New to this world, I recieved my first punishment this past weekend from my master for acting up. I knew the reason behind why I was getting punished and I think I deserved every last whip. As much as it hurt, after it was all done and over with, I learned a valuable lesson from it all, Never to disrepect my master again. He didnt like it, and I didnt feel good about doing it. And for that, I was punished. So, next time I even have the slightest thought about talking back, or disobeying, I will think of that belt, cane, crop and know that thats not something I will want on a regular basis. Punishments are meant to serve a purpose... I was taught a valuable lesson this weekend. I will not let my master down again. It makes me sad to see him angry with me... Being his good girl is so much easier on both of us :)

Focus50 -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 3:47:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mixielicous yes regular spankings arent something that we had in the beginning. it was implemented to avoid me needlessly doing things to get me spanked. thruth be, i like to always be able to feel His power; and until Aug, when we can live together, i do not feel very dominated in my day to day life, so He has been so kind to give me my 'reminders' Him being too flexable is very feesable. At the risk of splitting hairs, implementing a regular spanking ritual under the described circumstances was in itself the result (REWARD?) of you doing things to get spanked - and you succeeded! It's a bit like a sibling stealing a dollar a day from you so you "solve" the problem or "correct" the behaviour by giving him/her $7 a week.... Now you both lose! I'll be frank and say that the reason I picked on this "weekly punishment" routine is because I see it as a form of red-flag.... It smacks of an insecure dom who's either out of ideas or simply out of his depth. I see references in previous posts that he's apparently quite strict and, if so, that just reinforces my belief that he's unsure how to go about things, especially as the one expected to lead in your relationship! IMO, the "better" Dom/mes have a sense of justice, principles and fair play so they don't need to hide behind an anal facade of simply being strict. Believe me, any dom who's unsure about how to take control is gonna get his limits and boundaries tested by his sub regardless of how much conscious affection and committment the relationship has.... You can't stop yourself "misbehaving" no matter how much you beat yourself up over it because a D/s relationship is about control and it works best when the Dom is in charge - truly in charge, not just by agreement or some silly slave contract. Fact is, I think your misery stems from you having control and any sub who has it can't just give it up; it has to be taken from you! The reason you can't "identify the root" of your problematic behaviour is because your acting up isn't the problem at all; it's the consequence of your dom's behaviour (or lack of it)! "Feeling dominated" isn't just about ropes and whips; it's being at peace with your sub self because you know relationship choices aren't yours, they're supposed to be his. The vast majority of physical domination I do in my relationships comes via eye contact and body language - that we both know who's boss! Unfortunately, if you really want a Master, I suspect you'll eventually be looking elsewhere. But I do wish you well.... :-) Focus.

RavenMuse -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 4:02:43 AM)
I have to disagree with you there Focus. If the girl has a need for regular spanking and the Dom enjoys doing so then implimenting it as part of normal play is something I would see as quite in order. Though I certainly wouldn't view it as punishment, just something we both got possitive things out of. One problem here would seem to be couched in her own words "i do not feel very dominated in my day to day life" in the context that comes over as flagging the problem that maybe leading her to push at those bounderys. A lack of feeling the control that is needed can push a girl to 'act up', push the bounderys simply because she needs to know and be reasured that they are there and she isn't getting that reasurance in other ways. If I where in his position I would be looking at bringing more control in, more things like the regular spanking, not getting rid of what there already was as IMO that would only make the problem worse rather than better.

merrymasochist -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 4:21:32 AM)
quote: i do not feel very dominated in my day to day life, so He has been so kind to give me my 'reminders' Perhaps this is where the root resides. I push my boundries sometimes just to feel that they are there. Kind of like a cat rubbing up against a post. It's not an intentional bid to be bad but rather my nonverbal way of seeking that reassurance and scratch that little itch that needs feel the control. Sometimes it's my way of expressing my need for physical contact. I'm very tactile oriented and if I've been set up in the ropes and kept at whip's length for too long or too many times in a row I'll act up a little to provoke skin to skin contact. Are there some small daily assignments he could give you to help you feel his control more consistantly? Or mayhaps y'all could set up some playful tussling time with tickling and mock wrestling and the like. I love doing that because when I'm breathless and pinned down in the end it's a wonderful feeling and I'm purring from the inside out. I'm not sure of your whole situation here so I'm just guessing ideas. I hope they help. Sincerely, merry

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 5:55:55 AM)
Taking all of this information together with her needs to get her endorphin highs, and her post on needing sex...I think maybe she's just feeling that normal frenzy buzz- not the same way that a fresh off the turnip truck newbie does, but in a "Yay I've finally gotten a relationship so let's just PLAY all the time!" way. Which, as I said in my first response, just gets exhausting for the top. She's there, eager as a puppy, and he's like "Wait, didn't we just do a spanking?" I think they just need to talk about expectations and where they see things going. Get out of the "misbehave-punish-misbehave" cycle and start relaxing into eachother.

bandit25 -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 6:01:41 AM)
LA really does give good advice. I was in that cycle she's talking about. I misbehaved JUST to get a spanking. He stopped giving them to me...I stopped misbehaving.

mixielicous -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 10:23:20 AM)
i understand, the point you guys are trying to make about the cycle. to be honest though, i do not feel i have fallen prey to it. true- i do get spanked regularly, but not in such a playful manner[anymore]. i have made it apparent i am the type for regular punishment, and so thats what i get - punishment. just like anyother time i misbehave. And i have avoided misbehaving to get spanked, b/c He has picked up on my thing for it, and He "takes me beyond pleasure" so that i dont even enjoy the contact pout which, in theory is correct.

TNstepsout -> RE: Acting up .... (5/10/2006 11:54:48 AM)
hmmmmm sounds to me like you want to be a bit playful and he's kind of stodgy. Is that the case? When you do these things are you just trying to get him to lighten up and play a little bit? If so, you'll have to realize he doesn't lighten up and you'll just have to learn to live without that kind of interaction, or if it's really important to you, find someone you can interact that way with. Personally I would find it very difficult, if not impossible, to be in an all business relationship without the outlet of teasing, playing and being a bit of a smart ass at times. (but that's just me) The weekly punishments seem strange to me too. Are they real punishments or just play? You described them as real, and if so, that seems quite odd. As a parent I can't imagine having spanked my children weekly just in case they might do something wrong. To me it very much negates the purpose of punishment. If a person knows they will be punished no matter what, then there is really no incentive to behave. If you are going to take a spanking weekly, you might as well do something to earn it. Right?

Focus50 -> RE: Acting up .... (5/11/2006 3:47:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse I have to disagree with you there Focus. If the girl has a need for regular spanking and the Dom enjoys doing so then implimenting it as part of normal play is something I would see as quite in order. Though I certainly wouldn't view it as punishment, just something we both got possitive things out of. One problem here would seem to be couched in her own words "i do not feel very dominated in my day to day life" in the context that comes over as flagging the problem that maybe leading her to push at those bounderys. A lack of feeling the control that is needed can push a girl to 'act up', push the bounderys simply because she needs to know and be reasured that they are there and she isn't getting that reasurance in other ways. If I where in his position I would be looking at bringing more control in, more things like the regular spanking, not getting rid of what there already was as IMO that would only make the problem worse rather than better. I'll stick with what I've said as I see the problem as being bigger than the virtues of some regular punishment routine. After all, she IS acting up despite getting the weekly attention that's supposed to prevent it. I'll concede that instituting this "weekly punishment" at least shows they're trying.... Now I'm not saying to get rid of the routine, either! I just have a problem with it being regimented this way; it makes me think he's enduring more than enjoying it while it seems clear she's enjoying it! So who's in control there? I'm all for spanking, too, but as enjoyment for both and never punishment - so the terminology preferred by the OP is not making this any easier for me, either.... lol But only on a weekly basis??? I wonder if he finishes by saying, "There, that should hold you! (till next week)" lol Of course he needs to bring more control to bear, that's the whole problem, IMO. Control comes with the territory in this lifestyle and it's not normally something a Dom has to work at, other than fine tuning the technique. It just doesn't seem to be his need and that's a red flag to me - AND the source of the problem as to why she keeps acting up! The only reason a sub continues pushing the boundaries to a point of making both Dom and sub miserable is because she can; and that's the Dom's fault! Focus.

slavejali -> RE: Acting up .... (5/11/2006 4:09:42 AM)
Maybe you're just in a playful mood when you do stuff like that....everyone gets in silly moods now and then.

RavenMuse -> RE: Acting up .... (5/11/2006 4:12:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 it makes me think he's enduring more than enjoying it while it seems clear she's enjoying it! So who's in control there? As you said, her terminology isn't making it easier to understand, however she hasn't said anything I read as indication that he isn't enjoying it either. I faced a similar situation with a girl some years back, She had needs that my natural inclinations simply wheren't filling and, where it was a problem, she had a great deal of difficulty in communication those needs. Once I finaly got to the bottom of the problem (Pun intended g) I was able to take responsibility for the situation, find ways to give her more of what she needed whilst at the same time getting enjoyment for myself. I'm not a sadist and filling the needs of a masochist definatly took me past my normal 'comfort zone'. Who was in charge? I was, I found out what the problem was and I decided how I dealt with that problem. Result, happier girl and happier me. What I was disapointed with at the time and would be in this case was the 'acting up' rather than being able to simply identify those needs as not being met and ask/discuss them with her master, give him the information needed to act to solve it.

mixielicous -> RE: Acting up .... (5/11/2006 9:27:43 AM)
a few notes: sorry for my apparently crappy terminology. . . Second, this isnt 'play' its not a funtime spanking that makes me smile. it is physically unpleasurable - and i am in the state of mind of punishment, not play. also, its not like we have a set date for this punishment and do it regularly, its just that, it happens to crop up at weekly intervals. He has found that when i am not 'put in my place' to say, i am not as humble as i am when i am .... regularly. He has gone so far as to say, maybe i need it daily, but until august there is no time for that. sometimes when there is an actual infraction, i will recieve the cane more than once a week, but i try to avoid that, for obv reasons. this is mos def not a tedious task to Him [;)] maybe the acting up is just playful nature and He is just a strict master.

fastlane -> RE: Acting up .... (5/11/2006 10:34:37 AM)
Hmmmm, my confusing little Mixie. Me thinks you are completely manipulating the situation as you see fit, which is why you get the punishment. Me thinks you rather enjoy it, but don't want to admit it? Me also thinks your Master is enjoying giving it to you. Oh well...Me, Me, Me, it's all about me today, but I wanted to focus for a minute on You. Lashes and Locks, Kevin

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