curious??? needing answers

curious??? needing answers (Full Version)

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wylddtime -> curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 4:33:28 PM)
New to BDSM always had no problem playing and always desired this lifestyle. several months ago I found what I was looking for Master/slave. been trying to keep feelings out of it but.... The deeper I get into Master/Slave the more I want 24/7 eventually. I know now that is what I need... My question is If you are giving your life up to someone for this lifestyle to be solely his to use however fit. How do you not develope feelings for that person. Or better yet how can you just be owner to someone's life without having feelings??? WOULD LIKE AND ANSWER ON MASTER POINT OF VIEW VERSUS A SUB/SLAVE POINT OF VIEW just curious to know answers, even stories or good advice would be welcome. I have been feeling insecure learning his ways. worry if I am pleasing enough. Is it normal to worry that you are doing things his way?? QUESTION: Do Masters always seek out fresh new and exciting adventures because maybe tired of his slave??? or do they stick to one or many or get rid of??? My thoughts Feel the grass grows really green here on this side of the fence lol why would anyone seek out something you have in front of you. QUESTION: does it ever get more than just sex or can it grow into a relationship in the BDSM community...

leadership527 -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 4:44:02 PM)
Warning! Danger Wil Robinson! Or better yet how can you just be owner to someone's life without having feelings??? I can't. I tend to develop strong feelings towards anyone under my authority including employees at work. I'm just an emotional sap that way. or good advice would be welcome. Take about 4 dozen deep breaths and slow way the heck down. That's my best advice. I have been feeling insecure learning his ways. worry if I am pleasing enough. Is it normal to worry that you are doing things his way?? I see this a lot. It's a mystery to me how and why this happens. One of the things Carol liked best in becoming my property was that the guessing games were over with. She knew whether she was pleasing me or not because it was my job to tell her. Do Masters always seek out fresh new and exciting adventures because maybe tired of his slave??? or do they stick to one or many or get rid of??? OK, here's my second important piece of advice. There are no "masters". There are no "slaves". There is no spoon. There's just you, me, and that guy over there. And, just like humans everywhere we stubbornly refuse to all be the same. I can absolutely guarantee you that what you mean by "slave" and "owning" are not even remotely what I mean. Literally owning another human being is not something that I take lightly. They are not a set of shoes I slip on and off. IT isn't fun play. It's owning a human being with all that that implies. My thoughts Feel the grass grows really green here on this side of the fence lol why would anyone seek out something you have in front of you. Because unlike you, they don't think the grass where they're standing is all that green. Or perhaps it is really green but they just like the other shade of green over there. does it ever get more than just sex or can it grow into a relationship in the BDSM community See my comment about "slave" and "owning" above. For me it's about owning a human being that I happen to love. My marriage to Carol is not about sex. Neither is my ownership of her. As a general statement I would say that if it is "just sex" then it's not M/s or even D/s. At that point I think of it as top/bottom that has crept out of the bedroom.

littlewonder -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 4:49:39 PM)
for me it's not possible and thus why I searched for a long term committed loving relationship with a dominant personality man so that I could be his slave. I'm glad I waited for Him. :)

MissImmortalPain -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 4:53:46 PM)
Peoples opinions and attitudes vary when it comes to things like actually caring for the person they Dom or sub for. I had someone tell me he didn't want to be loved. He wanted to be treated as property. That he wanted to be a prized possestion and nothing more. I do not understand how someone can believe a person can be prized and not at some point cared for but it was his way of thinking. As a Domme myself I can tell you that if I do not care for, or feel affection toward, the person I am playing with I will get bored and no longer want them around. As to your issues of self doubt. I think that happens for everyone that really wants to serve another. I think it is the mindset that keeps you wondering what you Dom wants. It is also what most likely makes you a good sub.

angelikaJ -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 5:01:58 PM)
I must be a terrible slave because I am not following your rules.[:D] The man who became my Master found me here in Jan '09. We are still happily involved. Is it perfect? No. It is better than perfect; it is real. Real is messy and hard work. He does not find me sex with me to be boring. I am someone who likes being engaged in the moment as fully as possible. I am not thinking of what's next, I am thinking of now. He enjoys my reactions to whatever delights and torments he chooses for me. But our relationship is about more than sex. Life is more than what happens with our plethora of moving parts. While important, that is the not the most important part for me. I serve him and please him not just through that venue, but in many small meaningful ways.

wylddtime -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 5:02:04 PM)
Thank you very much for that piece of advice.. I feel that you are wise at things you said and opened my eyes differently thank you for your imput.

SailingBum -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 5:41:38 PM)
A relationship is a relationship is a relationship.....The dynamic is the same regardless of who is doing what to whomever. It does not matter if your gay, straight. into a little kink or prefer monkey sex on odd Sundays right after church. The basics are the same. Why some ppl think that cuz they are in a BDSM relationship, that magically the concept is' fundamentally different is beyond me. BadOne

Aileen1968 -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 6:33:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wylddtime New to BDSM always had no problem playing and always desired this lifestyle. several months ago I found what I was looking for Master/slave. been trying to keep feelings out of it but.... The deeper I get into Master/Slave the more I want 24/7 eventually. I know now that is what I need... My question is If you are giving your life up to someone for this lifestyle to be solely his to use however fit. How do you not develope feelings for that person. Or better yet how can you just be owner to someone's life without having feelings??? I had no intention of falling in love with him, but I did. He's now my best friend, owner, lover, soul mate. He kinda likes me too. quote: WOULD LIKE AND ANSWER ON MASTER POINT OF VIEW VERSUS A SUB/SLAVE POINT OF VIEW just curious to know answers, even stories or good advice would be welcome. I have been feeling insecure learning his ways. worry if I am pleasing enough. Is it normal to worry that you are doing things his way?? He tells me when I'm doing something right and he corrects me if he wants me to do something differently. Learn to trust...if he's proven that he's trustworthy. Although, by your next question I wonder if he is. quote: QUESTION: Do Masters always seek out fresh new and exciting adventures because maybe tired of his slave??? or do they stick to one or many or get rid of??? We're monogamous. Seeking out fresh, new and exciting would consist of me in a wig. quote: My thoughts Feel the grass grows really green here on this side of the fence lol why would anyone seek out something you have in front of you. QUESTION: does it ever get more than just sex or can it grow into a relationship in the BDSM community... It can grow into a great relationship that is warm and loving and fulfilling with fantastic sex. If it's the right partner. None of this is any different than finding a compatible vanilla partner. Some partners are cold, uncaring. Some are warm and loving. You need to decide what it is that you need in order to be happy.

domiguy -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 7:14:07 PM)
yadda yadda yadda yadda. What does it take to shut a slave the fuck up?

Aileen1968 -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 7:14:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy yadda yadda yadda yadda. What does it take to shut a slave the fuck up? A big dick.

liveinposs4bislv -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/6/2011 8:10:39 PM)
It is a relationship no matter how confusing you feel it is or about what rules you sense others may have. you are taking a big step by 'giving up' things, too right that is scary... - Maybe that is part of the fun? you are living, you are alive and you feel the rawness of the danger - hey a lot of folk lead boring lives... It sounds to me that it has already gone past sex for you? Will he jettison you - maybe Enjoy the piquancy of not knowing and striving to ensure he doesn't.

angelikaJ -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 7:28:01 AM)
One of the things that is a part of my perspective is that nothing lasts forever. All we ever really have is now. I am the type of person that if i were to focus on the possibility of inevitable future endings I would miss out on what is because I would be grieving for something that hasn't ended yet. I focus on now and my "happy middle".

ResidentSadist -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 7:42:20 AM)
Giving your self to someone usually comes with a great degree of trust. In my opinion, when you trust someone enough to surrender, it leads to love. My relationships all developed a great deal of love and I have never worried about someone loving me before we started a relationship. I am sure there are many variations to this as there are people having relationships but that's how it has worked for me.

CreativeDominant -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 8:02:03 AM)
There are allllllllllllll kinds of variations. I can...and I have...played casually with no sense of the person other than knowing what they liked or did not like. Fun and exciting at first but ultimately frustrating because, if I enjoyed the play, I wanted to get to know them better. For some of My play partners, that was cool but the majority just wanted Me to do what they;d seen Me do to others and then, go away. That isn't Me so I so My "casual" is more heavy than many others' "casual". I want to know the person on a plane other than "I want this...this...and that...and then check me to see if i am wet". When that deeper knowledge is there, it does not feel so much like top/bottom. (and I am NOT decrying Top/bottom). There is at least a frisson of Dominance and submission. The deeper I get to know the person and they get to know Me...the closer we become tied...the more the D/s comes into play and not just the BDSM/sexual aspect. For Me to "own" someone...and want to carry that title...means a hell of a lot...more than what some people might think (as someone very dear to Me can attest to). I can't wear that title without first looking at the person owned and knowing that I want to be there a lonnnnnnnnnnnng time and with that time comes love and obligation both.

windchymes -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 8:46:16 AM)
Before you "give" yourself that completely to someone, make sure they want to be the recipient of the responsibility of such magnitude.

DesFIP -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 9:20:59 AM)
Why would you want to keep feelings out of it? Why not find someone who isn't looking for a part time booty call, but is looking for a full relationship including deep and loving emotions on both sides? Remember, when you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settle for.

Muttling -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 2:28:58 PM)
Lots of people with more wisdom than I on this forum, lots of people I respect and love though I've never met. Here's my answers, but I wouldn't call them any better than the others you have received.... quote: My question is If you are giving your life up to someone for this lifestyle to be solely his to use however fit. How do you not develope feelings for that person. Or better yet how can you just be owner to someone's life without having feelings??? It could never work that way for me. It is a relationship with feelings and emotions, the care must be there and go both ways. Some of these may be poly relationships, but all of the vanilla issues with respect and love still apply or the relationship will die. quote: Is it normal to worry that you are doing things his way?? Of course it is. If you identify yourself as one who enjoys serving, wanting to do your best is key to doing your best to serve. At the same time, keep sight of yourself in your servitude. This is hard to explain, but don't set yourself up to be disrespected and abused by a relationship where the feelings don't mutually exist. quote: QUESTION: Do Masters always seek out fresh new and exciting adventures because maybe tired of his slave??? or do they stick to one or many or get rid of??? My thoughts Feel the grass grows really green here on this side of the fence lol why would anyone seek out something you have in front of you. I have known several long term Master/slave relationships, a couple of them with over 30 years together. quote: QUESTION: does it ever get more than just sex or can it grow into a relationship in the BDSM community... If the relationship starts out based on sex, it is built on a week foundation. Start in the community and build from there instead.

BurntKitty -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 6:37:18 PM)
If the relationship is an intimate (sexual) one, I'm in it for love. I won't do casual sex. Regardless what label is on it.

MissImmortalPain -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/7/2011 8:10:27 PM)
Put your hands around their neck and watch their eyes roll back in their head <has always worked for me.

Starlynn -> RE: curious??? needing answers (4/10/2011 6:52:19 PM)
quote: My question is If you are giving your life up to someone for this lifestyle to be solely his to use however fit. How do you not develope feelings for that person. Or better yet how can you just be owner to someone's life without having feelings??? Coming from Someone that has sat on both sides of the fence (as sub/slave and as Domme), I can tell you that personally it is not possible. One cannot develop the level of trust that needs to be had in this lifestyle without there being some feelings involved there. If One is telling you that They aren't developing feelings then I have to say that I agree with the "Warning! Danger Will Robinson!" comment mentioned by leadership527. quote: just curious to know answers, even stories or good advice would be welcome. To this I would have to say that if One is telling you that They have no feelings for you then you need to run. Run fast! Run far! Run for your life! Because that is bordering on psychotic in My humble opinion. quote: I have been feeling insecure learning his ways. worry if I am pleasing enough. Is it normal to worry that you are doing things his way?? If He is not telling you what you are or are not doing right then there are some underlying issues that need to be dealt with. It is His job to let you know what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. For if you are doing it wrong and He is not telling you, then you will continue to do it wrong unknowingly. On the other hand, if you are doing it right but unsure you may not continue to do it right because you don't know that it was right. quote: Do Masters always seek out fresh new and exciting adventures because maybe tired of his slave??? or do they stick to one or many or get rid of??? Master/Mistresses that seek out "fresh meat" so to speak, in My opinion, do so because They are trying to prove something to Themselves. Perhaps They are trying to prove that They can get love from anyone They desire. Perhaps They feel that They have "too much love to give just one person" and need to spread it around (crock of bull if you ask Me). I think that when the gift of submission is given, it should be handled with kid gloves and be allowed to flourish instead of being hampered by thoughts of wondering if you will be replaced (that also comes from being on both the sub/slave and Domme sides of the fence). quote: does it ever get more than just sex or can it grow into a relationship in the BDSM community... I don't believe that the only thing the lifestyle is good for is the sexual side of things. I believe there should be so much more than that. When it comes down to it and all that it is about is a sex thing for the Dominant and there are no relationship type of feelings involved then there are some deep-seated control issues for Them and They need to have someone under Their thumb for some reason or another (no matter what that reason may be).

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