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How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 12:20:04 PM

Mistress1295

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/16/2011
Status: offline

Hi, I am kind of new to the D/s world...While this is not my life I do enjoy Dominating men.I have to admit I have not had much luck with it...First a little about myself.I am married to a very conservative male who thinks it is still the 1950's so needless to say he has the say so around the house.So I went outside my marraige to find the things I am missing at home.I found a man who adore me and I adore and we love to have a sub male as a playmate.With me being the Dominate one in control my lover is not sub but always defers to me and I tell the sub what to do ect...But for some reason my subs do not last very long.Today I had a very bad meet I have met this sub serveral times alone and with my lover. In the past he has asked me to slap him in the face which I have never done I wanted to do it on my terms not his.(I should say he wanted to take a break to settle some personal issues in his life so this was the first time in 2 months that I had seen him).When he walked in I asked how he has been,if thngs were settled in his life and if he was sure he wanted to do this(play sub) he said yes.When I place the collar on him I then turn into Mistress Michelle I slapped him in the face told him that was for being late and that was for standing me up(the time he wanted to get his life settled I had a scene with other people involved and he cancelled) He got mad and walked out...I emailed him right way to say I was sorry I did not mean to hurt him that he had asked me numerous times to do it..It was on his to do list he called me a few choice words that really hurt...I hurt in unintentionally he intentionaly hurt me.I am hurt that he does not understand that I was trying to be the Mistress I thought he wanted me to be..Another sub I had left in a huff when after I had him do some basic chores I told him it was time to prove to me he was at least 7 inches..I told him to drop his pants he did it was not 7 inches I told him to pull up his pants and get the f*** out.Again I was in Mistress mode I knew he was nervous and that penis' grow and just assumed next time it would be 7 inches..Well before I could tell him that he emailed saying I was to mean..
Truthfully in either instance I do not think I was being mean.But for some reason I can not hang on to a sub.Todays meet made me realize I need to rethink this part of my life things can go bad really fast.
My question is this How do I start a relationship with a sub male to turn into a long time relationship? Was I out of line in either situation? I always meet first as just Michelle so they see I am "normal" so they know this is not the real me.That is why I like to Dom, it pushing me past my comfort zone...Thoughts on how to start a healthy D/s relationship?

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RE: How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 12:58:17 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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You first start a healthy relationship with your husband and with him knowing about going outside your relationship. You can't base anything good on lies with your husband or any male you are involving in a situation with secrecy. You get that far and you have the first foundation for good things all the way around.

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RE: How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 12:58:24 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistress1295

Hi, I am kind of new to the D/s world...While this is not my life I do enjoy Dominating men.

I have to admit I have not had much luck with it...First a little about myself. I am married to a very conservative male who thinks it is still the 1950's so needless to say he has the say so around the house.

So I went outside my marraige to find the things I am missing at home. I found a man who adore me and I adore and we love to have a sub male as a playmate. With me being the Dominate one in control my lover is not sub but always defers to me and I tell the sub what to do ect...But for some reason my subs do not last very long.
Today I had a very bad meet I have met this sub serveral times alone and with my lover. In the past he has asked me to slap him in the face which I have never done I wanted to do it on my terms not his.(I should say he wanted to take a break to settle some personal issues in his life so this was the first time in 2 months that I had seen him).
When he walked in I asked how he has been, if thngs were settled in his life and if he was sure he wanted to do this(play sub) he said yes. When I place the collar on him I then turn into Mistress Michelle I slapped him in the face told him that was for being late and that was for standing me up (the time he wanted to get his life settled I had a scene with other people involved and he cancelled) He got mad and walked out...I emailed him right way to say I was sorry I did not mean to hurt him that he had asked me numerous times to do it.. It was on his to do list he called me a few choice words that really hurt... I hurt in unintentionally he intentionaly hurt me.
I am hurt that he does not understand that I was trying to be the Mistress I thought he wanted me to be..

Another sub I had left in a huff when after I had him do some basic chores I told him it was time to prove to me he was at least 7 inches..
I told him to drop his pants he did it was not 7 inches I told him to pull up his pants and get the f*** out.
Again I was in Mistress mode I knew he was nervous and that penis' grow and just assumed next time it would be 7 inches..Well before I could tell him that he emailed saying I was to mean..

Truthfully in either instance I do not think I was being mean. But for some reason I can not hang on to a sub. Todays meet made me realize I need to rethink this part of my life things can go bad really fast.

My question is this How do I start a relationship with a sub male to turn into a long time relationship? Was I out of line in either situation? I always meet first as just Michelle so they see I am "normal" so they know this is not the real me.

That is why I like to Dom, it pushing me past my comfort zone...Thoughts on how to start a healthy D/s relationship?

Well, first spaces and paragraphs help in reading and comprehending what you are trying to say, so I did add those.

I could offer guesses as to why the first guy got upset when you seemingly gave him what he wanted, but the best way to determine that would be to ask him.
My first thought is that punishing him for getting his life together may have not been working within the right headspace for him.
My second thought is that face-slapping can be highly emotionally triggering and even if we think we want something the results are not always predictable.

As for the other:
Not every guy is into small penis humiliation and there can be a wide variety between erect and flaccid.
Telling him to get the fuck out if he was not erect, I can see how he might not have taken that well.

If he had promised you he was 7" and was hard and was obviously well... short- then you could have called him on his dishonesty if that was an issue that matters to you.

I think maybe you might need to take a bit more time and get to know the people better so you understand their headspaces.

Different people are going to react differently and not everything is going to work the same way, every time.

If the peple oyu are playing with are likewise new then slowing things down is important for multiple reasons.
You each need to get to know how the other operates.

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RE: How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 1:04:43 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

You first start a healthy relationship with your husband and with him knowing about going outside your relationship. You can't base anything good on lies with your husband or any male you are involving in a situation with secrecy. You get that far and you have the first foundation for good things all the way around.

That right there.

Are you really surprised that you aren't attracting high quality people when your character in doing this behind your husband's back is such a reflection of your own? If you want people of value, you need to be one, yourself.

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RE: How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 1:06:45 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

What the two ladies above wrote.

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RE: How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 1:11:24 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Although I applaud you for coming to this forum with the desire to learn, I have to get a few things out of the way first. One, paragraphs and proper punctuation are your friend. I found your post very hard to read and I am sure I am not the only one.

Two, married cheaters tend to get lambasted here, especially when they are stepping out for some quick kinky fun while their spouse is at work. Perhaps you think that is your business and not mine, but you came here for advice, so you made it mine.

Liars and cheaters do not make good relationship material, nor do they ATTRACT good relationship material. I have said that before, it is my opinion, and I will stand by it. However I do want to move on to some other points in your post, mainly why you can't hold onto a sub or form a LTR with one.

Everything about your profile (its all kink and sex), your approach, and your posting screams fake, player, wannabe domme. Even you consider the "other Michelle" to not be the "real" you, the "normal" you.

Everything you do appears to be fake and pretend and meant for the fleeting pleasure of the moment. You set up "sessions" with those you hardly know and then you're not sure why it doesn't last?

If you are serious about have a LT D/s relationship, you have your work cut out for you, b/c you have a lot to learn about yourself and the lifestyle. This is a good place to start.

Having casual sessions to discover what you like and don't like isn't a bad idea, as long as you are clear that is what you are doing. I would strongly recommend you stay away from verbal humiliation and face slapping, two things that can trigger strong reactions in another and you are just not experienced enough to pull off.

Finding a mentor would be a great idea, FetLife has a mentor's group. Be prepared for some very negative reactions from those who think married cheaters are little better than pond scum.

Good luck.

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RE: How to start a healthy D/s relationship? - 4/8/2011 2:22:44 PM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
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I can only echo what has been posted above and further suggest that starting a healthy D/s relationship is no different to starting any other healthy relationship or even a friendship for that matter, it requires patience, time, personal integrity and clear communication.

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