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subbykat -> RE: self-destructive subs (4/21/2011 2:01:58 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: aromanholiday
quote:
ORIGINAL: subbykat
I was wondering if there is anyone else out there like me, who engages in self-destructive behaviors, such as crying fits, suicidal thoughts or mental flagellation, whenever your Master is angry with you, ignores you or tells you he will break up with you?
I find it very difficult when my Master doesn't approve of me in some way. I get very hateful towards myself and it sometimes takes me days to recover from it.
While I don't engage in self-destructive behaviors (Is a crying fit self-destruction? Then I suppose I am guilty. Although it really helps to relieve tension!), I've often felt very bad in the face of a master's disapproval and get angry at myself for my screw up. I'm sorry it affects you so badly. Take heart in the fact that although he ignores you sometimes or says he is going to break up/release you, he hasn't done it so far or your wouldn't be writing this in present tense. You must be doing something good. :)
I think it's good for a slave to feel remorse, even deep remorse, as this makes it much more likely the disappointing behavior won't occur again. I also think it's fine (even natural in some ways) for a slave to have low self-esteem. Slaves with this trait tend to take their failures harder than others do: we beat ourselves up for it more. I think that means we learn faster than other slaves, due to the ways we suffer inside, so this has a good effect. The self-beatings are pretty worthless, however, if they aren't constructive, helping you to change. If they keep your wallowed in a quagmire of self-hating or suicidal thoughts, they're just being used to overindulge a negative emotion. If you can, try to see this behavior as making a second mistake on top of the first one. I know people who, when they lose at chess, swipe the pieces off the board, or when they fail at something else, they break something around them or yell at those close to them. This behavior is sort of like that, and if you wish to be a better slave, you need to get it under control somehow. I bet you can, people can do amazing things if they are motivated, and what better motivation is there than being more pleasing to your master? :) These feelings, even though they are negative and you clearly don't like them, are still an overindulgence, like eating too many sweets or getting so drunk you throw up. A little of this feeling is just fine and even helps you avoid the mistake in the future, but a great deal of indulgence makes you pretty much useless to your master.
Don't be afraid of making mistakes. Mistakes are your friends, particularly in slavery: they help you, better than anything else out there, to learn how to better please your master. Mistakes are amazing learning tools. While I try to avoid them, I do not mind when I do flub up, because I know I'll learn so much from the experience.
I hope that your master punishes you for your mistakes so that you don't have to beat up on yourself so hard and feel so guilty. Such punishment is a gift in that sense (as well as in others). It's not really a slave's right to punish herself: my first master had to point this out to me constantly and firmly in the beginning. If you belong to your master, then you are his property. Punishing his property is his prerogative, not yours. You do not own yourself, so trying to destroy yourself is essentially vandalizing someone else's property. Since you care about what this someone else thinks, try to think of it that way next time you get this sort of urge. It's similar to keying his car, and I imagine you wouldn't dare to do that, would you?
Aromanholiday, You hit it right on the nail. Thank you. Your words resonate with my heart and soul.
You are absolutely right that slaves with low self-esteem beat themselves up harder when they make a mistake, but that we learn quicker from them. Looking back to where I was before I met my Master, it amazes me how much I've grown with him in a positive way. It may not seem that way based on the limited information I gave about myself.
All I know is that when I wrote this thread, I was really down in the dumps...And that's the time when people are likely to get in the bad habit of assigning blame to someone or something outside of themselves that are causing their pain. I sometimes have to remind myself that it is our perceptions and beliefs that create our reality. We can change that at any time.
Also, I'm not really suicidal, but since you are so intuitive, you already knew that. I occasionally indulge in suicidal thoughts. It's part of the self-pity routine I get into. Another one of my bad habits. But that doesn't mean I'm going to commit suicide. I love life 90% of the time. :)
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