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Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 10:29:17 AM

uncertainlyizzy

Posts: 42
Joined: 4/11/2011
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I'm sure this is something that people ask about often and I'm sorry for repeating the topic but I'm struggling with this at the moment. How do you combat external pressures and standards? I'm carrying around tapes in my head from other people about strength and weakness and shoulds and mustn'ts. I listen to the stuff in my head and it tangles me up inside and I can't seem to get untangled sometimes. Today is one of those times. I know if my friends said even 1/10th of the stuff inside my head I'd smack them. What's beautiful in others is disgusting and shameful in me and I don't know how to combat that. Do anyone of you lovely people out there have any tips or tricks or techniques you use to help handle these issues?

I'm trying to reply to every thought with what I'd tell a friend at the moment. What I'd tell a friend is very different that what I'd tell myself. Trying to cling to the fact that my boyfriend loves me just as I am. That his pleasure in my actions and way of being is great and that's more important than the crap people preach at you. But it's still hard today.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Especially from people who've been around the block a time or twelve. I'm completely honest about the fact that I'm still quite young and dumb lol There's a reason we're taught to respect our elders. Thankies muchly and I hope this finds you all well! :)

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 10:45:22 AM

YSG

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My advice, first, maybe see a therapist. It's obvious that you've been mistreated by these other people. Second, do something for yourself. When you realize how good it makes you feel, you'll realize that you are worth taking care of yourself.

You need to be happy with yourself before you can make others happy.

_____________________________

Our duty is to hold ourselves responsible to the people. Every word, every act and every policy must conform to the people's interests, and if mistakes occur, they must be corrected - that is what being responsible to the people means- Mao Zedong

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 10:49:02 AM

GhitaAmati

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My advice is follow YSG's advice. He's spot on.

Id also like to say I do the same thing. even after therapy. I still see myself as fat and ugly and not much fun to be around. Thankfully I have a lot of great people around me who disagree and tell me so quite often.

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I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 10:50:51 AM

uncertainlyizzy

Posts: 42
Joined: 4/11/2011
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I'm between therapists at the moment. Last one is one of the voices in my head I'm battling lol I'm hoping to get set up with a new one here soon. Hopefully one who gets it. I've yet to find one who understood unfortunately. We're taught to believe them implicitly but they can be the ones who destroy us the most.

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 11:04:20 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Self help groups abound. I suggest ACOA. In addition, write affirmations on post it notes and put them everywhere needed. If you cringe at the sight of yourself in the bathroom mirror, then put one there affirming that you are pretty.

In addition, you believe in and trust your boyfriend, so when he tells you how good you look did you realize that every time you tell him you don't, that actually you're calling him stupid and a liar? Is that what you want to do? Is that how you really think of him? Don't tell people they're wrong when they compliment you, just say thank you, that you appreciate hearing it.

You don't realize it, but every time you tell someone you aren't smart/pretty/desirable, you're teaching them not to compliment you any more and you are making sure those old tapes don't lose their power. Do you want the people who did this to you to still be in charge of you? Stop telling people they were right, instead thank people who say good things. If you hear bad things, even from your own voice, that's what you'll believe. If instead you hear good things and don't cancel it out, then you'll come to believe the good things instead.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 12:24:03 PM

leadership527

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What I do is I examine my fears and worries in the cold light of day.

strength and weakness
I personally love this one because it shows up all the time here on the interweb in various forms. Interestlingly nobody ever seems very inclined to define what, exactly, they mean by strength or weakness. This is how you get to statements like, "Subs are weak". In the absence of a definition then you can define weakness as anything you'd like including "not-dominant". But if you said it flat out, "Subs are not dominant" then everyone would laugh and say "who'd have thunk it?" So, to your case, I would make sure you had a crisp definition of what "strength" is and then simply compare yourself against that definition. Where you find yourself lacking, fix it. Where you measure up, forget it.

If it helps you any, my personal definition of strength is, "The ability to engage in legitimate suffering". In other words, someone who can be counted on to do the right thing, not the easy thing.

shoulds and mustn'ts
Similar strategy here. WHY exactly should or should you not do something? Is it simply because someone said so (in other words they want you to submit to them) or is there some real, credible, tangible consequence that you can put your finger on. For instance, I had a lot of "should nots" around enslaving Carol... my vanilla wife and the woman I love. But I forced myself to look at each of them and evaluate whether there was a real reason why not. "Real" in this case, refers to something which is actually likely to happen and is substantially "bad" in whatever way you define that.

A simpler way to answer both questions is to say, "Yeah, look at it in the real world, not the made-up world of shoulds and should nots"

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/11/2011 12:32:58 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Being okay with yourself is a matter of accepting what you can't change and at least trying to change what you can. Very easy to say, not so easy to do.

I don't think anyone is 100% okay with themselves, we are all of us a work in progress. It helped me to realize a simple truth: you are who you think you are. Learn to control negative thoughts about yourself and find ways to encourage positive thinking.

This may help: At least once a day, do something really nice for yourself, and at least once a day, do something really nice for someone else.

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/13/2011 8:19:13 AM

ranja

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work your body, exercise and get tired
take a long walk, go swimming, take up dancing
clean your entire house and then again

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/15/2011 10:21:52 PM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
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Izzy, my heart hurts for you!

You have a struggle ahead of you. I traveled a lot of miles and did alot of things in my own struggle. I can offer you no easy solutions or quick answers. I do hope, however that I can offer you some insights and encouragement.

I must start with a caveat about change. Unless the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of being the same, you will not change. UNDERSTAND HERE, that I am not saying that you have to change yourself. You will have to change the way you deal with the external influences in your live.

LEARN TO SAY "BUNK!" (I used 'bullshit,' but what the hell). When those negative thoughts enter your mind REPLACE THEM with a positive one! "Bunk! I'm a terrific *what ever*!" What ever thought that you use to replace the negative one must be true and you must KNOW that it is true. Sooner or later it will become second nature.

LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH SOLITUDE (I was a little dense here. I went through two "Thoreau Periods" of extreme isolation). The goal is to be okay with yourself. Learn to be okay BY yourself. You don't have to go off and be a fire tower lookout for a Summer; In fact don't! It may be just a matter of finding a safe, quiet place to sit and reflect for a little while. Another caveat: don't isolate yourself; just, learn to be okay with being by yourself.

DISCARD TOXIC PEOPLE (I had absolutely no problem with this one). You don't need people like that in your life. How many people around you maintain "friendships" that they shouldn't just to have a "friend?" YOU don't need to do that (see above).

I am taking you at your word that your boyfriend loves you just as you are; and, that he is not in the toxic category. Because this is so, you have an ace up your sleeve! Don't blow it! Don't "cling" to his love. Don't measure or test it. DO let him love you, honestly and in his own way.

Whether or not you find anything I posted here to be of any value; please take one thing to heart. You have with in you the necessary where-with-all to get past any crisis or difficulty that you may face. All you have to do is get up one more time than you've bee knocked down.

Best Wishes,
Mike
SnowRanger

_____________________________

You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
Anton Myrer Once an Eagle

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/16/2011 8:59:26 AM

ForeverFire

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<entering two cents>

*hugs*

You are not alone! But others have said that already. As well as given amazing advice that I'm actually going to follow, as well.

And, finally....

*bigger hug**

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/16/2011 9:19:13 AM

hausboy

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Joined: 9/5/2010
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Izzy
lots of good advice posted above. Keep working with a good therapist and if you aren't happy with the progress--find one that you can click with better.

I've battled those "negative" voices and still do time to time. I had a friend that used to tell me to go tell the "voice" to "go play in the sandbox." Instead of "fuck off" which was negative and confrontational, "go play..." was basically acknowledging that his voice was coming from a place, a long, long time ago (bad messages implanted during childhood) and sending them to engage them while the grown-up brain did grown-up things.

I thought this was the biggest pile of crap I had ever heard.....said "thanks for sharing" and forgot about it. Then one day, I was playing with my Mistress when those thoughts appeared--no need to give details---you can fill in your own blanks. It was becoming distracting enough that I couldn't focus on the scene or really enjoy it. I swear...I mentally told the voice" hey...go play in the sandbox for an hour....me n' Mistress J here have private things to do..."
I felt stupid (inside) until it actually worked.

I had a therapist who later suggested that when my brain started to spiral on negative thoughts (thinking about something bad that could happen), to just "walk out of that bad movie." She said, you know it's a bad movie. you know you aren't going to enjoy it. You don't have to watch it to the end. Just walk out of the movie and put a different movie in the player. (change the tape! another used to say) Sounds silly when you type it, but I kid you not, it works for me.

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/17/2011 12:48:16 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

I'm carrying around tapes in my head from other people about strength and weakness and shoulds and mustn'ts. I listen to the stuff in my head and it tangles me up inside and I can't seem to get untangled sometimes.

Here's a way to break the tapes: http://eft.mercola.com/

quote:

EFT is a form of psychological acupressure that, while it may appear amazingly simple, can have positive effects in its ability to help reduce negative emotions while instilling positive ones.

The theory behind EFT is that lightly tapping with your fingertips along a special sequence of energy points can activate your body’s bioenergy within a few short minutes.

Even if "psychological acupressure" is complete hooey, the very bizarreness of the procedure is sure to break the tape by distracting you.

My emotional well being suffers if I don't exercise on a regular basis, so that's something to try as well.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2008/09/30/best-kept-secret-for-treating-depression.aspx

Exercise is One of the BEST Treatments for Depression

Sometimes the solution to what ails you is so obvious that you can’t see it until it hits you right on the head. Well, consider yourself hit. If you have depression, or even if you just feel down from time to time, exercise is a MUST (it’s a must for everyone, really).

“What we’re finding in the research on physical exercise is, the physical exercise is at least as good as antidepressants for helping people who are depressed. And that’s even better for older people, very interesting, even more important for older people,” Dr. Gordon says.

“And physical exercise changes the level of serotonin in your brain. It changes, increases their levels of “feel good” hormones, the endorphins. And also -- and these are amazing studies -- it can increase the number of cells in your brain, in the region of the brain, called the hippocampus,” he continues.

“These studies have been first done on animals, and it’s very important because sometimes in depression, there are fewer of those cells in the hippocampus, but you can actually change your brain with exercise. So it’s got to be part of everybody’s treatment, everybody’s plan.”

If you’re not sure how to use exercise like a drug, including the correct variety, intensity, and frequency, this past article will help you get started.

And please don’t delay. Many Americans have an exercise deficiency, but this problem is easily remedied if you look at exercise as a crucial part of getting healthier and happier.

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RE: Being ok with yourself... - 4/17/2011 1:02:00 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Self help groups abound. I suggest ACOA. In addition, write affirmations on post it notes and put them everywhere needed. If you cringe at the sight of yourself in the bathroom mirror, then put one there affirming that you are pretty.

In addition, you believe in and trust your boyfriend, so when he tells you how good you look did you realize that every time you tell him you don't, that actually you're calling him stupid and a liar? Is that what you want to do? Is that how you really think of him? Don't tell people they're wrong when they compliment you, just say thank you, that you appreciate hearing it.

You don't realize it, but every time you tell someone you aren't smart/pretty/desirable, you're teaching them not to compliment you any more and you are making sure those old tapes don't lose their power. Do you want the people who did this to you to still be in charge of you? Stop telling people they were right, instead thank people who say good things. If you hear bad things, even from your own voice, that's what you'll believe. If instead you hear good things and don't cancel it out, then you'll come to believe the good things instead.

Very well said

What helped me is rarely helpful as in my case it helped when moved abroad, away from the folks who were too negative in my life. Now...they werent the only reason I moved but a big reason and right now are a reason why I am reluctant to move back and still continue my aim to move further away...as I simply am happier to live with distance to home.

Over here my ex helped me a lot to break the barrier. Since the age of 12 I stopped being a girlygirl despite that I was good looking and very slim at that time for different reasons (reasons within my family as well as reasons outside of my family) and my ex pushed me onto the path again, whilst I dated him, to wear skirts and all sort of stuff which I did not dare to wear at those times...now...I did never wear them at work or for any other reason outside of dating him, but it was nice to wear them when I was on outings with him and he did improve my confidence at that respect at that time...even when it was a challenge for me.

Due to him I learned a lot to love myself how I am, and his help was what I needed on top of my own strong will which i always had, that I am not born to please my parents, I am born to live my life. If they don't like my look or what I am doing or did, then thats their problem, not mine.

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

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