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seekingadvice -> opinions needed (5/8/2006 9:27:06 PM)

There has been a hurtful occurrence between my Master and i. Please bear with me as i describe the details surrounding this event.

my Master and i have a long distance relationship for over 3 years. We visit as often as possible. On during this last visit, i was feeling slightly off and melancholy. He was aware of this, so at the start of one of our sessions, He had me lay next to him and held me to show me His love for me. I did feel loved and we proceeded to play. However, play became rough and started to hurt me. I didn’t say my safe word (because i hate to deny Him of anything) but i did make sounds to tell him that what he was doing was hurting. But he didn’t hear it and continued. I then started feeling like a piece of meat. The more this continued the worse i felt. And then when He leaned in to kiss me, i turned away from him. Without realizing, as He tried to gently move my face towards Him, i resisted. Needless to say, at that point, everything stopped. I had felt at that point that because I was only a f*** to Him, and that completely hurt me, so i withdrew.

He feels my rejection of Him is unforgivable, at least right now. He also feels that he has failed me because He was unable to create an environment of love and comfort for me to tell Him what was wrong.

I have felt His love and all this efforts to make me feel loved, but recently, i have wanted more of Him than He is able to give. Thus feeling melancholy.

We are trying to work it out but so far, we have not been able to. He is unable to get the image of what happened out of His head. He has even released me and we are relating to each other as simply each other instead of Dom and sub. (i am still capping because in my heart, he will always be my Dominant).

I am posting this because we want to get other’s opinion of what happened. Did one of us overreact to the situation?

Thanks to all for responding



Clothespingirl -> RE: opinions needed (5/8/2006 9:41:04 PM)

I'd say you're both overreacting.  This is a really, really normal problem between couples - you expect him to read your mind, get depressed when he doesn't, and then he feels inadequete.  It's not anything to break up over!

Bear in mind that pleasure sounds and pain sounds can be pretty similar, and he may not have the experience yet to tell the difference.  If you don't want to use a safeword, what's wrong with yelping "Ow!  That's too much!"   I know it interrupts the flow, but it's not as bad as everybody being miserable. [;)]

The only other thing I can offer from my experience is that when I get unreasonably depressed, a spanking cheers me right up.  If you have any sure pick-me-up like that, let him know about it!



Theo23 -> RE: opinions needed (5/8/2006 10:51:33 PM)

I've been in a very similair place emotionaly. I was unhappy with a long distance thing awhile back but understood she couldnt give me more. It made me feel distant, questioning our relationship even though I was in love with her (and her with me). We would get over the issue within a few days, but sooner or later the feelings came back.

I do not think either one of you were over reacting, feelings are intense in relationships like these and being honest about them is important. What I would suggest, is dealing with the reason you were feeling melancholy in the first place. Correct that, however you can, talk with him about it, why you were unhappy, why its fixed, and why you want and need to be his again. Bumps in the road doesnt mean its not worth traveling, good luck.



champagnewishes -> RE: opinions needed (5/8/2006 11:29:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingadvice
i was feeling slightly off and melancholy.
I did feel loved
I didn’t say my safe word
i did make sounds to tell him
I then started feeling like a piece of meat
the worse i felt
I had felt at that point that because I was only a f*** to Him, and that completely hurt me, so i withdrew
i have wanted more of Him


I think your doing a whole lot of feeling and thinking and not enough talking. 

Which, by your own admission, by not talking to Him....

quote:

He also feels that he has failed me because He was unable to create an environment of love and comfort for me to tell Him what was wrong.


Therefore, talk to him, vocalize your thoughts and feelings...kill two birds with one stone...he will know how your feeling and you will reassure him he has created a safe environment in which you can talk to him. 




MissDiandSirHugh -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 12:41:24 AM)

Just our thoughts here seekingadvice you said you did not safe word because you hate to deny your Master anything but through not useing them or it a big hurt has befallen you which we do understand but some times it is far better to deny one pleasure to gain many at a later time.
It would be best now as champagnewishes has said to sit together and talk about the whole experience and the reason why you did not safe word and as you have also stated he is a loveing Dom who has understanding and love for you so will also understand and know your love for him also.
But in your talks cover as much as you can on many other subjects that have crossed your mind and left a small dought on if any.
Good Luck and we hope it all works out well for the two of you from now on and for ever.




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 6:09:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Clothespingirl

I'd say you're both overreacting.  This is a really, really normal problem between couples - you expect him to read your mind, get depressed when he doesn't, and then he feels inadequete.  It's not anything to break up over!

Bear in mind that pleasure sounds and pain sounds can be pretty similar, and he may not have the experience yet to tell the difference.  If you don't want to use a safeword, what's wrong with yelping "Ow!  That's too much!"   I know it interrupts the flow, but it's not as bad as everybody being miserable. [;)]

The only other thing I can offer from my experience is that when I get unreasonably depressed, a spanking cheers me right up.  If you have any sure pick-me-up like that, let him know about it!

Damn that's better than my answer was going to be.

You both had a bad day- you were in the wrong for not clearly communicating (did he give you the safeword and say "but I don't expect you to use it because of your own selfish guilt?") and then getting upset when he kept doing what he wanted.

He perhaps thought that by being ferocious you would feel taken and cherished and not have to THINK about anything- just BE a piece of meat (trust me, in times of personal emotional pain, sometimes that's EXACTLY the kind of scene I need).

But you both had a bad scene, bad timing, bad communication.  So, go over it, what went wrong this time, and don't do it again.



MasterRobert1 -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 6:43:46 AM)

Communication is one of the cornerstones of any type of relationship, especially a D/s BDSM relationship. Neither of you are psychic. That's why communication is so very important. The best thing to do is use this as a learning experience. How could this situation have been prevented or avoided? How could you, and he, have handled this to keep it from reaching this state of emotional trauma?



littleone35 -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 6:55:54 AM)

You said you did not use your safeword because you did not want to deny him. However when he tried to kiss you, you did deny him.  You have a safe word for a reason if you need it you should use it.  You two need to talk this all out.  I hope it all works out for you.

Matt's littleone



valeca -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:17:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

You said you did not use your safeword because you did not want to deny him. However when he tried to kiss you, you did deny him.  You have a safe word for a reason if you need it you should use it.  You two need to talk this all out.  I hope it all works out for you.

Matt's littleone


To add to this, you also denied him the communication he needed to make an informed decision about the situation. 

"i hate to deny Him of anything" extends beyond physical access to your body. 

Food for thought.





fastlane -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:29:26 AM)

Alas, another opportunity in a growing relationship to better understand each other and to learn from the experience that you speak of.
Damn, I should be a bartender with all the advice I hand out here. Anyone need a drink before Dr. Phil comes on the tube?

Good luck to you both, Kevin



mixielicous -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:41:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingadvice
But he didn’t hear it and continued. I then started feeling like a piece of meat. The more this continued the worse i felt.


i have often wondered, pondered, if i would ever experience this also. used, abused, etc... luckily for me, thats a huge turn on and i dont forsee it happening.

on another note, it seems like He majorly overreacted by releasing you - over one scene ... unless, this has happened before?

i must agree with everyone else on the communication note, very important, esp in a situation, where one persons perspective is brushed aside for the pleasure of another. avoiding emotional build up/resentment is key.

i really reccomend this article series, open heart, open mind by Humbled Females http://humbledfemales.com/openheartopenmind.html



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:43:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous
on another note, it seems like He majorly overreacted by releasing you - over one scene ... unless, this has happened before?

I'm guessing there's more going on here than this one incident- 3 years long distance?  Already feeling depressed and needing reassurance to start off with?  Not communicating?  A dom releasing?

All that spells major "stuff going on behind the scenes, likely building over time, this being a last straw."

She says herself she's been in a slump and getting weary of the long distance- perhaps it's for the best if they can't take the relationship to the next level.



LaTigresse -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:53:45 AM)

communication is highly under valued and far too often, sorely under used............the lack of it being used constructively is usually at the root of most problems between all people..........you simply must communicate



SIRDAN66208 -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:55:18 AM)

Of course, speaking as a Dom........I may have a different perspective on the situtation. Although I pretty much agree with the previous answers, it remains that you had the safe word and refused to use it. Doms NEED feedback!!! I make it a point to understand the sounds, noises, and body language from a sub. But even I could make a mistake !!! That's the whole point of the safe word.....!!!!!!! The 'stoplight' system of green, yellow, red.........does work.

His failure to recognize the 'signs' was not good...........and your failure to reduce the pain/whatever was almost as bad.!! What's needed now is COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And lots of it!!!!!!! Analyze what went on........and discuss it without blame. Just discuss your feelings as the scene progressed.
From such discussions come greater understanding............and honesty............and subsequently greater trust. And trust is the thing that you have lost. And one of the most important qualities required in a D/s relationship. BTW, it's a real blow to a Master's psyche when he fails to recognize a subs 'signals' and fails to take her where she needed to be. So try to be gentle with him...............smile

SIR DAN



bandit25 -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 9:03:24 AM)

LDRs are the worst.  I'm in one now and it's so hard.  I know how you feel...it gets depressing.  Kind of the same thing just happened to us...the play got too rough.  I did just what clothespingirl said...Ow!  Too much!  Of course, he told me to "stop whining" but he loosened the ropes and made sure I was comfortable before continuing and averted what could have been a bad scene.



Merritt27 -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 12:46:00 PM)

 i totally understand what you mean by not wanting to safeword because you dont want to deny Him of anything.....but, if you dont safeword and just "endure" whatever it is that happens to be hurting you at that moment...it wont get better.  If His striking you a certain way hurts and you dont tell Him...He is likely to think you enjoy it .....and a guess whats coming next time.....more of the same.  Not because he wants to torture you, but because He thinks you enjoy it.  This goes for physical and non physical "pain"....you should stop play obviously if it is hurting you or when something just doesnt "sit right" with you.....often times when play stops and conversation starts....that same type of play resumes with NO problems.  Just a thought. 



mylittlesub -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 3:00:47 PM)

With the disclaimer that no one outside of you two can truly know what's going on, I would certainly agree with those who have posted that both of you have appeared to over-react to the scenario.

At any given time we all have a "bad" scene - and how we work through it and learn from them is a sign of real maturity and dedication to not only our relationship, but to ourselves.  I've always said the best thing about BDSM is the journey of self-discovery it affords us, and negative experiences are certainly a prime opportunity to learn something about our inner workings.  Allow yourself the freedom to admit you are both human, and sit back and see if you can look at what happened to learn ways to improve - rather than to place blame.

As a sister submissive, my biggest and first concern for your description of events was that you "didn't use my safe word (because i hate to deny Him of anything)".  Whoa!!  It is a true test of your personal integrity and self-worth, as well as your respect and commitment to honesty to Him that demands you use the safeword you were given when you are pushed beyond your limits and feel any continuation of events would be detrimental or harmful to your psyche, your body, your spirit, your feelings, etc.  Your mission is to protect and preserve the property (you) - that is your best way to avoid 'denying Him anything'.

But... what's done is done.  Again, I would gently suggest seeing this as a learning experience, and using it as a stepping stone to further your own self-exploration.  Perhaps in learning more of yourself and your own limits, you can more clearly communicate your needs to Master... or any future Masters.

Be gentle with yourself, and patient with Him.  His trust has been hurt along with yours - and that's not an easy thing to rebuild.

Best of luck to both of you.



LadyHugs -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 4:22:24 PM)

Dear seakingadvice, mylittlesub, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Mylittlesub speaks very wise words on the matter and speaks from the slave/submissive side of things.  Well done.
 
As a dominant, I like to write on that side a bit.  We're human.  We make mistakes.  Sometimes dominants need to be given a big sign when we don't 'get it.  This is where communication comes in and is so, very necessary as to keep the misunderstandings down and also hurt feelings and stings to the emotions.
 
Safe words are an aid to us, to which helps us understand each other.  As an example you speak French and I speak German; both languages are "foreign" to us as a couple.  Until there is a common language that both of you can speak, like English, it can lead to mental translations that mean totally different things.  Being at a long distance; its difficult and mentally/emotionally you're "there" for 3 years however, physical reading is those days that you're in each other's keeping.
 
Loving and affectionate dominants do get wounded, as the last thing they wish is to hurt anybody.  And, dominants also beat themselves up as badly as submissives do also.  But, so many hold the pain inside. 
 
Hopefully, once the door is closed; perhaps through apologies by each of you--then, it is up to you to either close the door tight and walk away or open the door again.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs
 
 



unquenchable -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 6:59:03 PM)

A safeword is just that.  Why did you not use it?  Was it really to not deny him (You later denied his kiss) or are you searching for ways to end something you no longer wish to work on?

Please really think about your actions, it is ok if things are not working out, not everything is forever.

un-----------



Collaredkitten -> RE: opinions needed (5/9/2006 7:14:06 PM)

I feel for you both, my relationship is long distance, with the times appart being horribly sad for me...but that said..

You have a safe word for a reason, your Dom depends on you to use it..for whatever the reason, if your feeling like 'meat' or something is to painfull, he TRUSTS you to use it, he knows it's your way of letting him know to back off, without your use of it, he doesnt know what's going on, I can't imagine it's easy to be the one with all the controll, to alwys have to be looking for signs, of being carefull how hard to apply pain, he NEEDS you to be responsible too.  Two of you make up your sceen, how can only one of you be expected to be held accountable or responisble.  I dont want to make you feel worse, but it's possible you violated a trust with him whe you didn't use your safe word

I hope you two can talk and that you come together agian..good luck



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