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CreativeDominant -> RE: Peers...Rant. (My first) (5/9/2006 5:04:44 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
Creative,
When I give advice, I try (and often fail) to do some from a "here is what works for me" stance and I work hard not to couch it in terms of "one true way." I will also state what I have seen work in my sphere of experience with a fairly large BDSM scene, as in "the best relationships I have seen do X and Y but not Z"
As for communication, simply talking isn't communication. One must be speaking from a place of genuine self knowledge which few, including me are great at. Then one must have the ability to clearly communicate that, which few do. So, combine that recipe for confusion with the requirement that the recipient of this "communication" must not only clearly hear and comprehend the information you are conveying but must then internalize it without having their own filters distort it.
I agree with you that there is no one true way (only the way that works for me and mine...and even then, that does not always work...hence the problem noted) and that communication is not simply talking. ~s~ Some people, submissives included, think that I go over things from too many angles. (maybe the doctor in me?) I see that as my being thorough and trying to make sure that I am communicating not only how I think about something, but how important I feel something is. Then I ask them for their input and, if the subject being discussed is healthcare or my relationship with that person, we try to come to a consensus understood by both of us. Relationshipwise, that is what bothered me when the submissive involved did not stand by her word/changed her word/forgot how important this was to me and did not communicate her feelings/needs/desires/quandary until the end.
However, that being said, the point about her own filters is still a good one.
quote:
As an example:
A Dominant ambivalent about playing with someone but unwilling to hurt someones feelings tells a play partner that "of course he wants to play with them again" is heard by the submissive that he REALLY wants to play again, and is internalized as "he likes me and wants to play again. The Dominant should have realized that this person likes him, and that the only fair thing to say is "while I enjoyed playing with you, I don't intend to do so again".
As for your submissive, she looks to you to lead on some level and if these sort of issues fall within that, then that's the deal. She has in effect chosen you as her sole peer group.
By not saying my advice is the holy grail nor the "one true way" what I am implying is that, take it or leave it, the advice isn't worth what you paid for it.
Good example of the idea of perception on an aural level.
No, you did not come off that way (the "One Way Purveyor/Interpreter"). You came off as answering from your point of view. All I ever ask from someone. This is why I try (also, as with you, not always successfully) to note that when I am referring to these things, I am referring "this is how I feel" or "this is what works for me" so that someone does not get the impression that what I think is what I also think others should follow. But I also want to let people know what makes up the "me" that you all are coming to know and love.
quote:
Those who instead talk in universalitys, "one true way" or who don the mantle of authority figure passing on knowledge to lesser mortals, I tend to think are more full of shit than I am, which is a feat in and of itself.
~g~...Don't know what to say to this except maybe that you might find that I can sometimes be more full of shit than you.
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