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Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 8:48:40 AM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

Ok, so after talking with another member about this she helped me realize maybe there's nothing "taboo" about what I want. I just don't really know how to explain this without losing the aspect of being controlled and surprised. A little background to start: My fiance and I have been together for years and I have opened him up to a few things (on occasion he asphyxiates me or uses a ballgag) but other than things being very intense, that's kind of the limit.

I'm not the type to just bow down because I want to give him control, he has to challenge me there (psychologically, emotionally, and physically) To make matters more difficult, what I want is WAY more extreme than a little hair pulling or spanking and I don't know how to get him to learn about it or want to do it. I think he could enjoy it if given the opportunity to expose himself to it and if he didn't freak out.

So...enough bad grammar and run-on sentences I'll jump to the point:

I want to be forced to crawl over broken glass
a rope braided into my hair for him to pull
spit on, cigarettes flicked at me, called names
hog tied and shoved under water with his foot on my head
I want to be teased with knives
gagged in an ice bath
restrained uncomfortably in absolute darkness while I hear him in the background
I want to be pinned against a wall, strapped to it and brought to the edge but denied
most of all, I want him to want all of it and I don't want to be embarrassed about it

then I want to be kissed and brought breakfast in bed...

So, are there any ideas on bringing him in my little world or is that a bit much to introduce him to? If anyone can suggest any books or anything that could maybe get him to take the initiative and open up pandora's box please let me know.

Thanks for your time!

Post #: 1

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 9:00:58 AM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

On a personal note, please tell me if that was TMI. I didn't really know how else to explain without being specific but I can edit if needed.

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 2

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 9:02:53 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

have you ever just talked to him about doing more than using a ballgag or choking you?
you want him to want it, but what do you do if he just doesn't want it? some people like a little bit of kink, but find more extreme things offputting. he may just not be a guy who WANTS to do any of that.

on the other hand, he might want to secretly but he doesn't know how to approach it without thinking he'll scare you.
you kinda have to get over wanting to be "surprised" and him taking the lead if you're the one doing the intro'ing because he isn't going to know how far he can go with you, or how far he even WANTS to go. you might get him into one thing, but there's no guarantee he'll want to do anything else.

i would suggest talking to him; ask if he ever thinks about taking any of what you already do further. some people suggest finding videos or erotica with similar things and watching/reading it and seeing how he responds; you could also try that.
when i first thought i might like for M to punch me, we were just sort of laying there, and i took his hand, balled it up and lightly tapped myself in the face. then i said "i think if you punched me in the face, you'd break my jaw." =p he gave me a funny smile, and said "yeah, but maybe the butt or thighs would be okay." so he found out he liked punching that way, and would do it every now and again.

you have to get over wanting him to magically be the guy who will want and do everything you want him to want to do. and you have to be willing to make the first move.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 3

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 9:29:14 AM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

Thanks for the insight =)

I guess if he didn't want to go any further I wouldn't want him to, but I think he's into more than he knows. I guess what I'm having a hard time with is knowing how much/what to tell him for now. We talk about everything (maybe not to those extremes) but some info is a little harder to convey. He knows I want things to go a little further I just haven't found the right way of discussing all the "dirtier" stuff with him. I think I know what you mean about him not knowing how far he wants to go because I passed out when he choked me once and he kinda freaked (I started shaking) so it's a little more difficult to approach. I really wonder how many people here have met their boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses under normal pretenses and it progressed to extreme bdsm? We're a perfect match I'm just a little more interested in taking certain aspects of our relationship to a new extreme.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 4

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 9:40:21 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

The best period of My marriage to MP was the open, honest, no holds barred communication that we had when we were entering poly. We discussed everything. Our hopes, our wants, our desires, our fears. To this day, I still believe that is the most honest, raw, intimate communication that I have ever had with another human being. It's part of what binds Me to him, even now.

This isn't to say that I believe you should attempt to change someone. If he can't go where you want him to, don't try to force him to conform to your desires. You fell in love with the man, right? Let him be that man.

Talk. Talk to him. Not here to us. You might find that you are so pleasantly surprised that your head will spin.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 5

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 10:02:18 AM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

Your right I did fall in love with him and I wouldn't want to change him. However, we've both grown a lot together (we've known each other since highschool and we've been together for several years since) basically we've both discovered a lot about ourselves and each other by exploring things together. I do talk to him and your right, so far pleasantly surprised. I think I just get nervous or self conscious about the stuff I know he's never done or even thought about (to my knowledge). I think if I get more comfortable with it maybe I'll be more comfortable talking to him. Anyhow, thanks for the replies. Either way it seems like ultimately I'm just going to have to make a stiff drink and hand him a taser lol!

Hey, that's not a bad idea-we can play cops and robbers and I can be an armed & dangerous criminal he has to give some police brutality =)

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 10:33:32 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

i understand the feeling of self-consciousness; it's uncomfortable. but if you start small and work up, rather than feel like you have to throw the whole shebang out right at the start, it might help you both feel more comfortable, and find places where you're both mutually interested in exploring.
i met M on a vanilla networking site, with no intention of getting into BDSM with him because i never expected i'd run into anyone who was into it without going to obviously kinky places. i had no experience, just fantasy/interest, but it turned out he had a fair amount and nothing i could say would weird him out. if you have a well-built trust base, or the ability to be totally open with someone, you can get beyond the feelings of self-consciousness.
LadyPact is right; it's nice to have that totally open, honest communication with someone. It's nice to be able to really be honest with someone who is also being honest with you.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 7

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 10:47:07 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingDisaster

Your right I did fall in love with him and I wouldn't want to change him. However, we've both grown a lot together (we've known each other since highschool and we've been together for several years since) basically we've both discovered a lot about ourselves and each other by exploring things together. I do talk to him and your right, so far pleasantly surprised. I think I just get nervous or self conscious about the stuff I know he's never done or even thought about (to my knowledge). I think if I get more comfortable with it maybe I'll be more comfortable talking to him. Anyhow, thanks for the replies. Either way it seems like ultimately I'm just going to have to make a stiff drink and hand him a taser lol!

Hey, that's not a bad idea-we can play cops and robbers and I can be an armed & dangerous criminal he has to give some police brutality =)

Exactly. One thing I love about kinky D/s sex is that it so easily lends itself to role play and game playing in general.

Cop/prisoner, Interrogator/spy, Sadistic Overlord/captive all provide endless "fun" opportunities. I've found this kind of role play is fantastic for freeing up inhibitions, since you can tell yourself it's not "YOU," it's just you playing a role.

I enjoy rape role play, which is the kind of tricky role play where the dom needs to be very clear on what the s-types boundaries are, since it can trigger some very nasty emotional reactions. You have to be willing to share your fantasies, and I get where you think once shared, it won't be a surprise anymore. What we do: I pick out the general framework of the RP, knowing he will start with that, but then may discard parts and of course the play will evolve during the moment. I don't know when it's coming, other than a vague reference to some time this week, this weekend, something like that. The anticipation alone is a tremendous turn on.

_____________________________

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Post #: 8

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 10:51:05 AM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

I really think this was all I needed. Just a litte friendly advise and words of encouragement I suppose. It helps just to talk about it with people who don't think I'm a wierdo lol! You guys are great and thanks for all the positive feedback!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 9

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 10:58:54 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

(Where else can you mention: OMG, I am so psyched, I'm going to get raped this week!!)

Best of luck!!

_____________________________

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Post #: 10

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 11:00:32 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Oh, now you're just trying to turn Me on.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 11

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 11:02:05 AM

LanceHughes

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingDisaster

Thanks for the insight =)

I guess if he didn't want to go any further I wouldn't want him to, but I think he's into more than he knows. I guess what I'm having a hard time with is knowing how much/what to tell him for now. We talk about everything (maybe not to those extremes) but some info is a little harder to convey. He knows I want things to go a little further I just haven't found the right way of discussing all the "dirtier" stuff with him. I think I know what you mean about him not knowing how far he wants to go because I passed out when he choked me once and he kinda freaked (I started shaking) so it's a little more difficult to approach. I really wonder how many people here have met their boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses under normal pretenses and it progressed to extreme bdsm? We're a perfect match I'm just a little more interested in taking certain aspects of our relationship to a new extreme.

All that others have said: 100%

I quoted part of your post in red - you (as a couple) do NOT have to get to "a new extreme" all at once. Sneak up on it as you both find your respective limits.

A caution - breathe play is considered "extreme / edge" play. Get some instruction. Find your local munch and they can ALWAYS help you with SAFETY concerns.

If you're going to play with fire, have some ideas about putting it out. Just sayin'

Regards, Lance
P.S. HAVE FUN!

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 12

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 12:49:28 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingDisaster
On a personal note, please tell me if that was TMI. I didn't really know how else to explain without being specific but I can edit if needed.

I didn't find it TMI. I thought your detail was extremely helpful.

For starters I'd be focusing on "top" not "dom". This has nothing to do with dominance and submission. Or, if anything, it's him submitting to you. I wouldn't worry about "losing the aspect of being controlled" since that never happened to start with. What I read here is two people in love. One of them has some kinky fantasies and wants to know how to get the other to help out with them. There are no ESP pills so either you speak up or forget your desires. At that point you two negotiate these fantasies of yours. Perhaps he's willing to do them. Perhaps he's not. For whatever makes it into the final "todo" list, you do those things.

Honestly, even though Carol is controlled in a much broader sense, I'd still want her to just show me the damned post. Most doms I know HATE 20 questions.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 13

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 1:18:12 PM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Of course there are books you can read, you can tell him of your desires too... the difficult part is to get him to want to do all that to you himself and get hot about it... it takes crafty planning

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingDisaster
I want to be forced to crawl over broken glass
a rope braided into my hair for him to pull
spit on, cigarettes flicked at me, called names
hog tied and shoved under water with his foot on my head
I want to be teased with knives
gagged in an ice bath
restrained uncomfortably in absolute darkness while I hear him in the background
I want to be pinned against a wall, strapped to it and brought to the edge but denied
most of all, I want him to want all of it and I don't want to be embarrassed about it

then I want to be kissed and brought breakfast in bed...

the first point i would think is too severe... start with crawling at his feet... maybe later over rice rather than broken glass
you can braid your own hair and present it to him
being spit on should not be an issue, but cigs might be a tad too much

make up a scenario with him to act out
maybe agree for him to overpower you while you fight back

look upon the whole sex thing as a game you play together and make up the rules together, you can not expect him to arrange everything to your liking because he likes this exact thing himself, it is more like a balancing act

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 14

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 2:17:20 PM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

You think it's too severe lol I'll just have "Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids" playing in the background ;)

That should set the mood!

I do want to thank you all for the new replies as well, you have all given me some food for thought. I know I have some "out there" ideas on foreplay I guess but I know if I can just find a way to comfortably start that whole conversation it will be fine. The weekend is almost here, maybe we can try to find something interesting to read...

As for the safety concerns, I think that Adam is much more responsible (than I would be) so I trust him.
*famous last words "look what I can do"*

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 15

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 5:16:26 PM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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In general I think women have an edge when bringing up new horizons in their sex life. When men are presented with "Would you do this to me in the bedroom?" they tend to react positively. Anything that involves nakedness usually gets a man's eager attention. Still, this is important to you so I'd go a bit slowly and work on a like a sliding scale from slightly kinkier than what you were doing, on up till you reach where you want to go. Anytime he gets in the ball range of what turns you on make sure you are being very noticeable in how it makes you feel. If a man loves you he definitely wants you happy in the bedroom and out, he'll notice what gets your motor running and it'll turn him on as well.

Be sure to welcome his ideas along the way so the journey is for both of you and not something where it resides under your control. Leadership had a good idea too with saying to restrict it to him being a top instead of a full-fledged power exchange. It might be very daunting to your bf to have the whole ball of wax dumped into his lap at once.

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 16

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 6:23:41 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

As mentioned, breath play is something that you must be careful with. Learning about it and especially learning safety about it is vital (to your vitals, lol).

As for the stuff you are fantasizing about...I think that telling him that, essentially out of left field, would scare the shit out of the poor guy. Also keep in mind that often the reality turns out to be not as exciting as the fantasy. I'm not saying as you and he learn and grow in kink you wouldn't do those things and enjoy them. What I am saying is that it is much better to build up to such things and learn what works for both of you.

My suggestion would be to simply tell him you want to explore your kinky side more. Give him a chance to tell you what HE might want to try. After all, this is about BOTH of you enjoying the experience, not him simply being a tool for your enjoyment. Over time you both will feel more comfortable discussing your fantasies.

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 17

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 6:32:20 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The problem with having no experience is that you imagine you would love all these extreme activities. But until you try it, you won't know if crawling across broken glass is hot or just horrible.

Same with everything else. It's all fantasy at this point. And fantasy, by definition is always hot. In reality broken glass hurts, getting backhanded can cause bad reactions and degradation could easily make you run out of the room screaming. In fantasy of course, it's always good stuff.

Beyond that, you learn to walk before you learn to run. So ask him to spank you, see if you like it or not. If you do, then tell him how much you appreciate it, how hot it makes you to think about it, and ask him to do it again real soon only longer and harder.

Once both of you are fine with that, then add a hairbrush or a wooden spoon. Simple things that you find around the house that don't scare anyone. If you're both comfortable with that, add something else. And so on.

Also you might want to search for a term called sub frenzy which seems to describe your feelings. It's the equivalent in kink terms of having eyes bigger than your stomach. But please remember that he isn't just a robot to fulfill your masturbatory fantasies, he's a real person. Which means he has as much right to his limits as you do, and to having his fantasies fulfilled as you do. Do you even know what his fantasies are?

_____________________________

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Post #: 18

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 7:33:21 PM

DarlingDisaster

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/13/2011
Status: offline

Well, basically I'm getting the idea that sub/dom really doesn't even apply to us as far as this lifestyle goes and top/bottom describes us much more. I should clarify that most of what I fantisize about comes from some type of experience just perhaps in a different context. For example, several years ago there was a piece of mirror by our bed that dug into my knee (accidentally) but I loved it and pushed harder-still have a scar. I love the pain, the first boyfriend I ever had (we were together for about 4 years) I used to get him to cut me & burn me (Adam knows how the scars got there but I never stressed how much I like it). As for breathe play I understand the risks involved (my dad's a doctor-I'm going to nursing school) and I think that's part of the allure. I also know that generally it shouldn't be done til I pass out (brain cell damage) but if there wasn't at least something to be afraid of where's the thrill? Hell, I used to jump off bridges in Fl just for the hell of it and I've pierced (or had pierced) most of my body atleast once even though I rarely keep them. I think he understands that I'm a bit of a masochist but talking to him about the humiliating/degrading things are just harder to bring up.

I know everybody is just trying to look out for me and you guys don't know what I've done or we've done together but basically although we haven't gotten where I want us to, I'm not "new" to this. I loved pain before I realized it was sexual for me. Like I mentioned on my profile, I really was put on the rack (strapped and whipped-hard) at a fetish club before I was even sexually active! I used to sneak in when I was only 14 and I loved it. Eventually when I had a boyfriend we tried some pretty stupid simple stuff (i.e. cutting & burning) but I know I liked it. Now that I'm older and Adam and I have explored ourselves together intimately I feel a lot of those urges going to deeper and darker places. It's not that I "think" I'll like it, I know I like it. I just haven't gotten the chance to put some of them into action (the way I want).

I want to thank Lizi for the comment about men enjoying anything involving us naked, it made me smile and I'll keep that in mind if I feel like I'm about to stutter or blush when trying to bring this to the table.

Also, I do want to mention that I do very much care about his wants and his fantasies (why do you think I'm trying to find a better way to talk about this =)

In fact, other than the little bit of s&m I've brought into our bed it's what he wants (high heels, showers, squirting etc) so I try to keep it about both of us I just can't get past some of the thoughts that I have. I feel like we are too close not to go there I just need to get better at explaining my thoughts. Talking about it on here has really taken some of the "shock value" out of it in my mind so I'm sure it's not going to be that big of a deal (I hope).

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Discussing interests with sig. other - 4/14/2011 10:49:42 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingDisaster

I want to be forced to crawl over broken glass
a rope braided into my hair for him to pull
spit on, cigarettes flicked at me, called names
hog tied and shoved under water with his foot on my head
I want to be teased with knives
gagged in an ice bath
restrained uncomfortably in absolute darkness while I hear him in the background
I want to be pinned against a wall, strapped to it and brought to the edge but denied
most of all, I want him to want all of it and I don't want to be embarrassed about it

then I want to be kissed and brought breakfast in bed...

So, are there any ideas on bringing him in my little world or is that a bit much to introduce him to? If anyone can suggest any books or anything that could maybe get him to take the initiative and open up pandora's box please let me know.

Thanks for your time!

oh boy here we go again. It's not about what you want! While nothing your put out there was "out there" cept the breakfast in bed. Your after care would be "if you think Im to ruff on you there is the door."

Nuff said BadOne

_____________________________

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DarlingDisaster)

Post #: 20

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