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Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 2:37:13 PM

mathiasdomm

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Joined: 1/29/2006
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I recently botched this and am wondering if anybody has any hints for the next time it happens.

A girl I'm friends with but doesn't know about my BDSM habits said " I like being used, I like being tied, and I masturbate while thinking about being raped a lot. I just want someone to take control of me." I outed myself to her, told her that these things were perfectly natural and told her about this site and some other resources for people who are discovering their interests. Over a couple of weeks, and several conversations about this, she said " I don't want to be one of those people. It just seeems freaky and I don't want to talk about it. I'm embarrassed that I told you those things."

How do you handle somebody who expresses their interests and doesn't know where to turn or how to act on these impulses? I know that part of the answer here is that she wasn't ready. But what else? How do you make it okay?

And yeah, this is my third question in a row. I've been thinking a lot lately.

-m

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 2:52:01 PM

PlayfulOne

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you can never know how someone is going to react. Sometimes people are just not ready, It can be difficult to look atl that part of themelves. Opening a profile here can scare the hell out of some people who are new. Some of the mail they get from the wanna bes and players is enough to scare me.

Just let her have her time and space, if she is truly interested she;ll come back at some point. Just let her be, and be there should she ever ask again.

K

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 2:52:46 PM

mnottertail

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She is just rattling about, trying things on. You gave her the info, drop it. She will muddle thru and come at it again, or not.

Ron

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 2:53:31 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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You did not mention her age, but I am guessing she is young? It is an awakening that not all people are ready for. Just because she has some submissive sexual fantasies does not mean she is necessarily a submissive either. She probably is...lol... but it might just be a fantasy thing for her.

I think you did the right thing, and the seed was planted. If she was overwhelmed about what she discovered then she just might need time to come to terms with it. It is hard for some people to acknowledge things about themselves. Even at 36 I had trouble associating the word masochist with myself even though I had masochistic fantasies. I was raised that those people were "sick" "perverted" "freaks", and it was hard to admit I was truly a sick perverted freak (smiles). She will either come to the realization that this is her nature and this is natural for her, or she won't. But you were still a good friend to open the door for her, it is up to her when she is comfortable walking through that door.

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 2:53:53 PM

Contesaluv

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You've introduced her. The rest is up to her. You may find that over time, she'll start coming to you to ask you some questions as she begins to loosen up to the idea of her newly found or perhaps more appropriately, newly accepted desires. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". Everyone has fantasies, for some that's all there is too it too. In time, you'll know whether hers were just fantasies that she had to release verbally or fantasies that she truly wants to live out and come to terms with about herself. Give it time and don't bring up the topic anymore. If she brings it up, let her do all the talking. Time uncovers all things whether we like it or not.

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It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 2:57:20 PM

bandit25

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Yup...you've done what you could. Just drop it for now. If she's interested, she'll take it from here.

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 3:20:39 PM

akisha

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Some people are willing to accept themselves right away. Others take time. Personally, even though I knew i was submissive and wanted to be controlled i fought against aspects of it for years. I had to reach a point where being honest with myself was more important then trying to protray the image i felt others expected of me.

I made the realization of my submissiveness at the age of 16 or 17. I didn't fully accept myself until just a couple years ago and I'm 32. It takes time. Upbringing, background and family pressures all add to how willing we are to be open and honest with ourselves. All i ever heard from the people in my life was "anyone into BDSM are freaks" and good god i didn't want anyone to think i was a freak. After a while you come to realize you're not and learn to embrace you're more interesting nature *smiles*

You gave her a place to start, other then that leave the topic alone, because bringing it up will just scare her and make her defensive and more likely to fight against it. We don't believe anyone is going to accept us until such point we are willing to accept ourselves. She needs to find that place and time herself. Though because you didn't react badly and offered her some good information, she will probably be more relaxed in coming to you if and when she does wish to learn or discouver more.

edited due to spelling and gramar gnomes

< Message edited by akisha -- 5/9/2006 3:23:47 PM >

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 3:43:49 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mathiasdomm
How do you handle somebody who expresses their interests and doesn't know where to turn or how to act on these impulses? I know that part of the answer here is that she wasn't ready. But what else? How do you make it okay?

And yeah, this is my third question in a row. I've been thinking a lot lately.

-m

It is ok. SHe's told you how she feels, and now you respect that. You let her know that it's completely cool, that you're always around to talk if she wants and then completely let it go.

Maybe she just needs time to reconcile this huge realization and wealth of information. Maybe she's just completely uncomfortable discussing it with you. Or maybe it really isn't just for her in reality and she only admitted it when it was a "safe fantasy."

WHATEVER it is, she's not ok to talk about it now. So you say fine, walk away and be there if/when she comes back.

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 6:54:49 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: mathiasdomm
How do you handle somebody who expresses their interests and doesn't know where to turn or how to act on these impulses? I know that part of the answer here is that she wasn't ready. But what else? How do you make it okay?

And yeah, this is my third question in a row. I've been thinking a lot lately.

-m

It is ok. SHe's told you how she feels, and now you respect that. You let her know that it's completely cool, that you're always around to talk if she wants and then completely let it go.

Maybe she just needs time to reconcile this huge realization and wealth of information. Maybe she's just completely uncomfortable discussing it with you. Or maybe it really isn't just for her in reality and she only admitted it when it was a "safe fantasy."

WHATEVER it is, she's not ok to talk about it now. So you say fine, walk away and be there if/when she comes back.

Yup what Em said.

I came out to a friend that mentioned wanting to beat guys arses and have them like it. Then kiss her arse for everything she does for them. After I got done laughing and saying humm that's what we call this job (I work with truckers) she says no seriously maybe I should go get a whip and some tall boots and go to town. Laughing again I say you mean like a dominatrix? She goes yeah I was watching CSI (good ole Mistress Heather) and I could do that.
So I gently mention knowing how to go about learning. She falls deathly silent. A few other conversations follow about how I believe she'd be a great domme and why. Frankly she replies that she's shocked at my confession and more shocked that I believe she is "like that" [grrrrr] They just have to come along in their own time.
This same person in submitting to her husband has solved her marriage problems [at least in the short term] and claims to be extactic so hey different strokes...your friend will come around in her own time and will seek you out, until them you have to just can it and let it go.

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 8:20:31 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

How do you handle somebody who expresses their interests and doesn't know where to turn or how to act on these impulses? I know that part of the answer here is that she wasn't ready. But what else? How do you make it okay?

You need to realize that someone telling a friend about a particular fantasy doesn't necessarily mean they want a place to turn or to explore that fantasy. There is such a thing as information overload and in BDSM, that can scare the hell out of someone. I'd suggest that you slow WAY down next time. Talk, talk, talk first.. before being gentle in leading them towards information. Throwing a site like collarme at someone who, upon a simple review, considers it freaky can cause a barrier to go up that they may never wish to step across again for whatever reason.. no true interest, fear, hang ups.. what have you. Better luck next time!

Celeste

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 8:42:11 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

How do you handle somebody who expresses their interests and doesn't know where to turn or how to act on these impulses? I know that part of the answer here is that she wasn't ready. But what else? How do you make it okay?

You need to realize that someone telling a friend about a particular fantasy doesn't necessarily mean they want a place to turn or to explore that fantasy. There is such a thing as information overload and in BDSM, that can scare the hell out of someone. I'd suggest that you slow WAY down next time. Talk, talk, talk first.. before being gentle in leading them towards information. Throwing a site like collarme at someone who, upon a simple review, considers it freaky can cause a barrier to go up that they may never wish to step across again for whatever reason.. no true interest, fear, hang ups.. what have you. Better luck next time!

Celeste

Definitely have to agree with this. If I had been directed here when I was still exploring what I was all about, and came across threads about drinking urine and no limits, I would have turned and ran. I do have a friend or two who are exploring their submissive sides. We talk now and then about it -slowly - gently easing them into information and seeing how they respond; if they are ready to talk further then they ask.

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 11:10:54 PM

subtlesubie

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My gf is a highly open minded and experimental - we have a toy bag stuffed to the gills, and 'no' in not in our vocabulary. Yet, I would NEVER introduce her to this forum and expect positive feedback. What were you thinking man?!?

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RE: Bringing someone in - 5/9/2006 11:17:29 PM

Dustyn

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Dismiss them... you spoke your mind, shared part of yourself, and she freaked when she realized a few things about herself... until she is comfortable in her own skin, you're not going to be of any use to this girl, so don't let it bother you any further...

- Dustyn

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