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Wondering if we should do this. - 4/24/2011 5:38:46 PM   
couple4life


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/24/2011
Status: offline 		Hi All!

I am needing some advice here, I am a female submissive to started the lifestyle at the age of 18. I was heavily into the gorean community and after about a year found that to not be a good fit for me. After that I went into the D/s lifestyles living mostly 24/7 with partners and each of those relationships ended terribly. Now I am 23 and have a great relationship with my new husband who has fetishes and kinks but has never done this 24/7. We have talked about it, but I am terrified of taking the risk and ruining this relationship too. Should we stay in the bedroom kink area or take this thing on full force and work for the best? We keep talking about it over and over, with both of us ending with "if you want to do this we can but it is your choice."

Anyone else have this delima? I guess my thing is I saw so many Velcro collars pop in and out of relationships and with my own previous ones gone bad, I would hate to kill this one.

I think I just need some guidance.

Thanks!

anne
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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/24/2011 5:51:11 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		You're married to each other right?

Does he take the lead in your marriage?

If so I'd say you're already doing it.

If not then you both have to decide together if it's what you both want and desire...not just doing it for the other.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/24/2011 9:07:28 PM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline 		We can do things to minimise risk.  In this situation I think being honest with yourself and each other will help to reduce risk, as will taking things slowly and realistically.

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 4:46:38 AM   
skylong


Posts: 14
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline 		I'd say always stick with love first. I suppose that is because I do like vanilla life outside the bedroom. Unless it's a complete turn off for you to not be able to go 24/7, stick with the fella.

Have you tried doing a limited time of D/s outside the bedroom? Like, for one weekend, tell him he can do that in public and see how he likes it. He might start to like it and start liking the idea of going 24/7 or he may like it every now and then but not full time.

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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 4:58:29 AM   
MissCherrie78


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/20/2011
Status: offline 		I am not sure if I can help you because I am pretty new to the D/s thing myself. What I can do is share with you what I am going through.

I am married to my Dom as well.  I don't feel like I submit 24/7 but I know that I do little things that let him know I am still submitting to him. For an example yesterday we had brunch with family without him asking me I cleared his plate from the table. When he caught my attention he mouthed "good girl" , which was a huge turn on for me. It works really well for us. It also gives you something to build on.

Good luck to you.

< Message edited by MissCherrie78 -- 4/25/2011 4:59:10 AM >

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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 7:04:37 AM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		I think a lot would depend on why your previous relationships did not work out. Did you resent someone having all of the power? Was it two people who just did not mesh in the long term? I like the idea of short stints of power exchange. It would be a nice way to try on a new hat

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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 7:06:27 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: couple4life

Should we stay in the bedroom kink area or take this thing on full force and work for the best? We keep talking about it over and over, with both of us ending with "if you want to do this we can but it is your choice."

Anyone else have this delima? I guess my thing is I saw so many Velcro collars pop in and out of relationships and with my own previous ones gone bad, I would hate to kill this one.

I think I just need some guidance.

Thanks!

anne


Hi Anne. Welcome to Collarme.
By wanting to add this dynamic to the relationship you have already formed with your
husband seems to be saying that one or both of you are not feeling completely fulfilled.
If that is the case, than it makes sense to try and enhance your marriage with whatever
you two feel would work best.

Be prepared though, that if it is just an acting out by one partner to please the other,
there will still be a void. Changes in any relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, always
come with risks. But so does staying silent. It's good that the two of you have open
communication, and I have a feeling you will both find a way to work this out.
Best of luck!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to couple4life)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 9:31:45 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: coookie
I think a lot would depend on why your previous relationships did not work out.

I totally agree. It also depends on what the OP may or may not have learned from the experience. I can't say that a long string of tragic results fills me with confidence though. If that's true then the common denominator in that string is her.

My advice is to proceed very, very, very, very slowly.... no, more slowly than that. If the couple doesn't have the self-discipline to go that slowly then I'd advise staying vanilla at least for now and check-in on the topic every year or two and see what has changed. If they are really a "couple for life" then there's lots and lots of years and no rush.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to coookie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 12:27:48 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		True leadership. I am hoping that she can notice the pattern of these relationships and learn from them.

I agree with going slowly though i do think more people should go slowly. I have met girls who are brand new and i tell them to go slow and learn and two days later they have a collar on.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 5:17:24 PM   
couple4life


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/24/2011
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the advice! We had a long talk about it and decided to keep on with our bedroom play as we are right now and continue reading and talking about it, but are going to wait a while before we proceed to anything further right now. He is a fantastic man, and it terrifies me to change something so good right now and take that risk. Why fix whats not broken right? He wants to go to munches and read some of the books I initially read when I was first coming out per say in the lifestyle. But we are playing, slow and steady wins the race.

Thank you all for the fantastic advise. It just really helped remind me that no matter what we have to communicate with each other and not assume this is what the other partner wants.

Thanks again everyone! Nice to see there are still friendly face on here a few years later. :)

anne

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RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/25/2011 6:12:56 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		Happy to hear it couple4life. I hope it works out wonderfully for both of you.

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Wondering if we should do this. - 4/26/2011 9:39:29 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: couple4life
But we are playing, slow and steady wins the race.

When you're looking at a life long committed relationship, that's definitely my opinion. I collared Carol after 12 years of marriage and I absolutely went very, very slowly. My thought was, "There is no prize for getting anywhere first, but there's a huge price tag for screwing it up." Such thinking shouldn't induce paralysis, but it should reinforce a cautious approach. I was (and am) perfectly willing to rip out rows and rows of bricks in the foundation if I see a bad one in there. I need the foundation to be rock solid and will do what it takes to make that happen. Besides, the journey is so much fun and I'm not entirely clear that there IS a destination.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to couple4life)
Profile   Post #: 12
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