RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom

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CrappyDom -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:35:06 PM)
quote: There's this feeling of having to be superman to be wanted by a sub, but I'm not sure why that belief is there. Real dominants fuck things up all the time, the trick is to know how to fix things. dominates are only perfect online and long distance, real life gets a bit more complicated. As for mistakes, 99.9999% of the injuries inflicted on submissives have to do with having their hearts broken. Most reports of injuries are 335th hand and miscellanious urban legend. Even the dreaded wrapped flogger has yet to cripple anyone, same goes for beating on the kidney, piss blood and 90% you will live. Besides at your age you are going to make all sorts of mistakes and people will forgive you cause you are young and thin. Boy am I in a snarky mood today!

thetammyjo -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 1:00:51 PM)
I think we still live with the myth that the top/dom/owner/sadist is the person 100% in charge, in control and perfect, in other words, not a real human being but some deitylike figure that can be worshipped or who will guide. It is a terrible myth because anyone starting out (whether its in BDSM at all or just per relationship) will make mistakes and will have conflicting feelings about it from time to time. You are a human being first and foremost. The key for you, in my opinion, is to starting learning and to start practicing. Find a local community and start attending events. Get books and start reading. Start thinking about how you feel and keep a journal. A secondary step will be to try to be more objective about those you agree to dominant/top. For those of us who have bought into the superman/woman dom myth, we can easily find ourselves attracted to what I call wounded puppies -- people who need guidance and need to be submissive and who are looking for a superperson to submit to. At this point in your exploration these are not the submissives who can help you learn and help you gain confidence. I recommend pairing with more experience submissives if you can some who will accept you -- sadly your age may be a factor for many people. Guess what? We learn from our partners whether they are slaves or submissive or bottoms or masochists. When we pair with someone who has experience they have a bit more to teach us. This might just be casual scene by the way. Alternatively you can try and find a mentor, I'd prefer another top or dom but that isn't necessary, that you can talk to and learn from. Regardless of how long you have felt dominant, you still need to learn and practice. I know cause I've been this way since I was a young kid myself. If someone accuses you of not being real cause you have to learn, ignore them. The first step to any growth is to realize you need it. Later on you'll be so glad you took time and energy to go through all this learning and practice and you'll remember those who taught you with pride.

Dustyn -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 1:09:03 PM)
Seeing a LOT of really good advice here, folks... but I'm afraid the best advice goes to the young lady that said laughing at yourself is the key thing to keep in mind, or something along those lines... best advice to keep in mind, regardless of what yer doing... - Dustyn

theRose4U -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 9:10:09 PM)
quote: I am quite worried about not being able to develop my own identity as a dom due to being mentored and even subconsciously picking up their habits instead of forming my own. Sometimes taking on the good habits of others isn't such a bad thing. Have you tried journaling through your experiences? I know that journals are usually pushed for subs but personally when i'm confused about my feelings I find that patterns are more clear when they're on paper.

crouchingtigress -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 10:57:35 PM)
Well I can tell you one thing, You are already a very evolved, intelligent, empathic, introspective, cautious, caring Dominant....You have many traits I dont often see in Dom men 2x your age. All the makings for a great dominant are in there, your humility and willingness to ask for knowledge coupled with your compassion and self awareness shows me that you got what it takes.... You just need to find your little nymph, and trust each other, hold each others hand and laugh alot....and until you find her, do what you are doing, get involved locally, read lots, practice technique and all the rest will come naturally[:D]

masterdeltafire -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 1:53:53 AM)
It is human nature to make mistakes. Even 15 years Lifestyle, I still make them. It is a constant learning experience. There is so much coming into the Lifestyle as it evolves. There is always going to be someone, especially on Mentoring wanting to give you a challenge learning something you have never done. To admit you are human is a good sign. I entered Lifestyle at 18, moved to Dom from slave after 18 months. My first girl back then was a veteran slave who had been Lifestyle for a long time. It helped a lot, both on confidence and learning everything. There was a lot of trial and error. A lot of planning taking steps forward and steps back, and a ton of research, time and commitment. It also took a lot of soulsearching. Could I do this with another? To spank and actually hurt one in pleasure, paddling spanking and what not? As the trust and confidence came, so did the deep confidence in knowing I wasnot a monster for wanting this, and knowing ones wanted to be spanked and everything. I grew up with the old beliefs you were not supposed to hit a girl. That took a lot to overcome. But with it all, also came the passion, the love of teaching, The smell of submission, the deep arousal that comes from all of this. Sometimes the best teacher for a young Dom is a veteran slave, one with many years experience. It would be a good stepping stone as you learn and grow. But do not be afraid to make mistakes. Theyw ill come. I hate making mistakes because of the perfectionist in me. They happen, learn grow from them, find the problems and work on making sure they do not happen again. Don't be afraiad to ask for advice on things, getting with a local BDSM group, it would be a good learning experience. Good luck on things. Hope it all goes well for you.

RavenMuse -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 2:02:48 AM)
OK going to 'split hairs' here..... the best teacher for any new Dom... is THEMSELF! But other folks can help and advise[;)]

slavejali -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 2:17:05 AM)
Hi Pheonix, I really liked the honesty of your self-appraisal. Here are the thoughts that came up for me: 1. Being a dominant in relationship is like being a manager. Take some kind of management course. It will help you deal confidently with issues that come up in a D/s relationship. 2. Take a communications course, this will help you with issues that come up and also help develop your confidence. 3. Start martial arts classes - they will help you develop lots of attributes you already have as well. 4. Read up on the nature of femininity and masculinity and the interplay between the two. 5. Read books on self-awareness and how the mind and emotions work. Being a dominant may come naturally.....but the ability to apply it and work it within relationship takes some skills that can be learned quite easily in non-bdsm type courses....I deliberately didnt mention anything about kink or play cuz that is the easy stuff to learn...and even with that there are seminars and things available.

MistressSassy66 -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 10:16:12 AM)
Its normal to be nervous,I can say that I tended to second guess Myself at first...but soon learned that the submissives that worked out for Me understood that I wasnt perfect. I guess the key for Me was or is to make light of it...for instance having trouble getting a knot undone...I joke around saying Now you can never get away....followed by evil laughter. Seriously dont be too hard on yourself...A friend of Mine always says "overcome and adapt"...overcome the flaw and adapt it to make it work. Be Well and Play Safe[:D]

mylittlesub -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 10:45:26 AM)
All good advice, Phoenix, and I applaud you for taking that very important first step in recognizing your need to learn and grow, and your maturity in being able to do so without shame. You will find that you will gain a great deal of respect among your peers, other Doms and other submissives by admitting you do not know everything. [:D] Its funny how many times I've seen submissive defenses go up when a Dominant introduces himself to a crowd in a way that reminds me of a strutting rooster... far too cocky for his own good! As I grow older, the Dom who intrigues me most is the one who is the gentleman standing back for the ladies to pass, the one who listens with sincerity, and who above all is courteous and considerate to those around him. That, to me, illustrates not only his manners and good social skills, but also a quiet confidence in himself. Your best teacher is your own inner Dom. Listen to that voice - learn to communicate with it, understand its whispers and murmurs in your ear, and trust your instincts. Then, get involved in the community and/or befriend others of "like mind". Find fellowship with those who believe in the things you do - so that they can not only reinforce your feelings and support your insecurities, but to share with you to help you along that wonderful journey of self-discovery that you have begun. As for the fear of "losing" a submissive or pushing her away - as with any relationship, communication is key! Talk to her about her wants/needs/interests, and give her the tools to be able to freely communicate with you without fear of reprisal (how you wish to be spoken to, what safe words to use, etc). Finally... TRUST. Trust in yourself, trust in your submissive to be what she claims to be, and trust that there is a reason for everything, including the belief that everything happens for a reason, and there is a lesson to be learned in every experience. Best wishes to you!

Soquili -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 11:54:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phoenix92x That pattern (ok, pattern probably isn't the right word, once again, tired, lol). The pattern is that I am so incredibly terrified of screwing up as a Dom and to how the sub will react. That she will lose faith in me, not want me anymore. So I seem to not be able to feel allright making a mistake or failing at something with anything regarding a sub. This of course means that I just internalize the fear. There's this feeling of having to be superman to be wanted by a sub, but I'm not sure why that belief is there. I can see that relationships require partners being able to forgive each other for mistakes and failures, and I can forgive a partner for almost anything, but I see myself as utterly unforgivable for anything I do, and I know that if I continue like this is will doom my relationships. The main thing I've found in relationships ds/sm/vanilla is that you have to have trust of each other, and honest communication. This sounds so simple but may very well be the hardest thing to accomplish. You have to trust your sub to be completely honest with appraisals of your performance, and they have to trust you to be doing the best you can to be sure you both enjoy the experience. If you can't both discuss what you want/need in a completely honest manner you will have fears that may be completely groundless. You might worry you're doing something "wrong" when it's not a question of right or wrong, it's a question of is it what you both want/need to be happy. Truly honest communication between you and your sub/SO will make a world of difference, even if you end up deciding that you shouldn't be together as you are at the moment.

ClassAct2006 -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 12:09:11 PM)
Just relax. No one is perfect. I expect dominant men to make mistakes. The older men I've known get so good at just bluffing through things. It's great to watch, that natural confidence but I think it just comes with age. At 44 one of the nicest things I think I have is that I realise things don't matter so much and I have experience and confidence which women and men get around my age. It's much more relaxing than being younger. I knew I was submissive at your age or younger. Sometimes it's just clear how some of us are made and it's great you're sure of it. I don't think you need to feel you have anything to prove. Submissive women are fairly easy to please. I don't know what kind of dominance you go in for. I just like someone in charge in aspects outside of bed as inside. You can practise that. Perhaps go out with someone your age who isn't experienced but is submissive. Just be slow and work at things. Do what you enjoy. Only do what feels natural and what you like. If she's into something else, tough. If it's an effort then you're doing more than you need. It should be enjoyable and completely natural. Adopt standard practices - if you're not sure what you're going to do next blindfold her so she can't see your uncertainty and thinks it's all part of some grand plan etc.

MistressSassy66 -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/11/2006 12:20:21 PM)
I wanted to add about the fear of losing a submissive...at some point you will come across ones that dont fit your style...its not that you lose them,its just you dont fit together and there is going to be more than one...not trying to be discouraging,but its reality.Dont let it get you down. I LOVE the blindfold....its a great tool for those beginning sessions. I still love it,the not knowing for the submissive is intense.

Dustyn -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/12/2006 7:45:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse OK going to 'split hairs' here..... the best teacher for any new Dom... is THEMSELF! But other folks can help and advise[;)] Now I'll give this post a yes and no. Yes, only you know yourself, once ya get down to the nitty gritty of it, but no, simply because it's too easy to hurt someone, or bore them to death, if you don't have at least a grasp on the fundimentals of the whole concept. But that is just my take on it, which is prolly colored by the fact that I was given a lot of instruction on how to do things when I first got started, then started finding my own flair and techniques. Some people, though, can jump right into something and figure it out fairly quick. So I guess to each their own methods. As a switch, and to pop in a metaphor, I wouldn't trust a doctor who had never been in school. But that's just me. - Dustyn

xxmstrchasxx -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/12/2006 9:43:39 PM)
I just want to say this, if a Dom has told you they have never made a mistake, they either haven't been a Dom very long or they are a liar. I think mentors can help you with your confidence, get a varied view from different people. You will also build your confidence with more experience. The best part is you realize where you're at mentally and can work on it. Some people never see themselves or know where they're at because seeing yourself as you truly are is the hardest person to see.

slavejali -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/12/2006 9:47:18 PM)
quote: Some people never see themselves or know where they're at because seeing yourself as you truly are is the hardest person to see. So true.

cillydom -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/12/2006 9:59:44 PM)
On this theme think ahead have alternate plans made, have alternate paths you can take to recover from mistakes. Think ahead and you may be able to make it look like you had whatever in mind all the time. You have to be at least one step ahead of her and events at most all times. Try to think of all possibilities that may be possible. Looking like you have things under control may be a comfort to her, subbies seem for some reason to like that. Damn I love subbies.

RavenMuse -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/13/2006 2:02:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dustyn quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse OK going to 'split hairs' here..... the best teacher for any new Dom... is THEMSELF! But other folks can help and advise[;)] Now I'll give this post a yes and no. Yes, only you know yourself, once ya get down to the nitty gritty of it, but no, simply because it's too easy to hurt someone, or bore them to death, if you don't have at least a grasp on the fundimentals of the whole concept. But that is just my take on it, which is prolly colored by the fact that I was given a lot of instruction on how to do things when I first got started, then started finding my own flair and techniques. Some people, though, can jump right into something and figure it out fairly quick. So I guess to each their own methods. As a switch, and to pop in a metaphor, I wouldn't trust a doctor who had never been in school. But that's just me. - Dustyn Depends what you see as 'the nitty gritty doesn't it..... To me the bedrock of being a Dom is self knowledge,that is something you simply can't be taught, it is a very personal journey and whilst people can help and support, it is a journey you can only take for yourself. No one can make you into a Dom, it is something you have to find within yourself. Then and only then are you ready to learn skills from those around you.

Dustyn -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/13/2006 7:43:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: Dustyn quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse OK going to 'split hairs' here..... the best teacher for any new Dom... is THEMSELF! But other folks can help and advise[;)] Now I'll give this post a yes and no. Yes, only you know yourself, once ya get down to the nitty gritty of it, but no, simply because it's too easy to hurt someone, or bore them to death, if you don't have at least a grasp on the fundimentals of the whole concept. But that is just my take on it, which is prolly colored by the fact that I was given a lot of instruction on how to do things when I first got started, then started finding my own flair and techniques. Some people, though, can jump right into something and figure it out fairly quick. So I guess to each their own methods. As a switch, and to pop in a metaphor, I wouldn't trust a doctor who had never been in school. But that's just me. - Dustyn Depends what you see as 'the nitty gritty doesn't it..... To me the bedrock of being a Dom is self knowledge,that is something you simply can't be taught, it is a very personal journey and whilst people can help and support, it is a journey you can only take for yourself. No one can make you into a Dom, it is something you have to find within yourself. Then and only then are you ready to learn skills from those around you. This is how I look at it, good, bad or indifferent... Mistress put me on the path to start figuring things out, at least in terms of bdsm. She was more fo my sounding board and mentor than she was a direct teacher. The inspiration and desire were all mine. There was just a lot fo support and guidance from her, in terms of safety and overall technique. Things along those lines. More than likely, though, I'm a bit on the jaded side, so, as always, take what I say with a grain or two of salt. =) - Dustyn

jammiegirl -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/13/2006 9:22:29 AM)
peeks in and reads all the advice...then quietly offers.... the fear of being rejected as not good enough is something that can inhibit all aspects of one's life. it seems to me that this is what you are worried about....and it is worth exploring within yourself what is the cause of this. each of us has a starting point for these feelings. frankly, i believe that unless you do explore it and accept whatever you find about yourself, you will always be overcompensating for it. you don't need therapy to do this and you don't need money either - just time to reflect on the issue. i have found for myself that when i address my weaknesses in this way, i can usually find a way to get past them - in my own way. it is important that you know yourself first and foremost - as this is the basis of being able to truly guide another. one cannot be godlike one can only be self like and offer what one truly is to another. a mutual understanding of eachother's personalities is vital to the success of any bdsm relationship - even if it is total power exchange - one cannot submit without knowing to whom they submit - one cannot dominate if they do not know themselves or unless they feel confident that the one they dominate knows them. to build this trust one must be open and honest before beginning. and be open to change and stumbling along the way based on that mutual understanding. geesh...all that rambling and i'm not even tired giggles and curtsies and wanders off into the night...err..day...shrugs...somewhere

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