New and need relationship advice. (Full Version)

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bennyprofane -> New and need relationship advice. (4/27/2011 4:32:26 PM)

I met someone a few months ago. I'm a 32 year old man, and this really is the first time that I've ever been in love. It's the kind of feeling you only read about in romance novels: hopeless, can't live without each other love. The only small problem that we have is this: she's a submissive, while I'm a very vanilla guy who isn't very experienced and doesn't know anything about the lifestyle. I want to satisfy her, but for me to do this, I'm going to have to seriously adjust my thinking and treat her differently than I've ever treated anyone. I'm just not sure how to go about doing this. We've done a few things like spanking, but I just get the feeling that she's unsatisfied in bed. Of course, the best way to do this is to communicate with her instead of strangers on the internet, but at the same time, I don't think submissives want the man in their life to ask permission; they want a strong man who takes what he wants.
Also, we were talking last night, and I told her that I think I can grow into being a dom. She laughed and said she could never imagine me doing this. I'm just concerned because I don't know if a submissive can be happy with someone with my personality type.
What I'm asking for: is there anyone out there with a similar experience? What constructive advice can people give me on this issue?



NocturnalStalker -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/27/2011 4:38:17 PM)

Honestly only a complete retard would decide to be with somebody based on what they believe their "label" is.  If you are both heavily into one another mutually, you'll be fine regardless of you being domineering in a BDSM sense or not.  



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/27/2011 4:46:19 PM)

Welcome to CollarMe and congrats on your budding relationship! 
 
First, I want to commend you on being open-minded enough to step outside your comfort zone and explore the things your girl enjoys.  Second, I suggest you pay a visit to Amazon.com and pick up a book called When Someone You Love Is Kinky.  You and your girl should read it together and talk about it.  You're right, communication is very important in any relationship.  Don't make the mistake of thinking you have to be a mind reader or a Neanderthal who grabs her by the hair and drags her off to your cave.  Ask her what she enjoys and experiment with things that sound fun to you. 
 
One of the biggest parts of being a Dominant is possessing good leadership qualities.  Are you a take-charge type who knows what he wants and goes after it?  Or are you the sort of person who sits back, observes, makes a  plan and then delegates responsibilities?  Either personality type makes a good dominant.  It's just a matter of which type is more compatible with her needs and desires. 




ashjor911 -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/27/2011 5:25:20 PM)

Welcome To CM



Kellen -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/28/2011 6:04:33 PM)

Everyone is going to scream "communication" at you, but communication about what a submissive wants can seem kind of counter-intuitive for the sub.

The first dom-ly thing you can try is pushing her to talk openly about what she wants! I know that as a sub it is hard to talk about ones own desires and sometimes feels like "topping from the bottom", but you can make it sexy to get, or to take, info from her. =)

I second Sylvere in that you deserve some kudos for your willingness to try new things, and the effort you are putting into reaching out and trying to learn about this lifestyle.

Good luck to you both!



tiggerspoohbear -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/28/2011 7:54:36 PM)

Welcome to CM and the boards.  Sylvere gave you some great advice.  It's not about labels, it's about personalities and how well you get along.  Here's a list of books you can order online that'll help. 

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Good luck to the both of you. 



NocturnalStalker -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/28/2011 8:11:35 PM)

Well thank God!  You have books that if not written, probably would of spelled the end of your relationship! 



bennyprofane -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 6:12:40 AM)

Here's what I need more specific advice with..my gf has told me a great deal about the last lover she had, the guy who first introduced her to the life (she didn't know she was a submissive until she met him). The way she describes him, and the relationship she had is pretty surreal. He was able to make her feel almost indescribable passion and excitement. Some of the sexual things they did seemed out there to me, at the time, stuff like getting tied up, sex in public, extremely hard spankings, threesomes, etc. Theirs was a purely sexual relationship, in that he was much older and married, with no intention of ever leaving her. I'm honestly jealous of the guy because he made her feel better sexually than I have been able to.
What I would really like to know from people here is, what are specific scenes that people do? I honestly don't know because I had a very sheltered upbringing and have minimal experience in the life.
As for the reading list, I am a bookworm, and I already have ordered many of the titles there.
Thanks everyone



LadyPact -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 6:24:19 AM)

Welcome to CM.

Please take Sylvere's advice.  It really will do you a world of good, as will your reading the other titles that you have purchased.  You'll learn a lot from them.

As for asking what kind of scenes that other people do, that's not going to matter in the grand scheme of things.  In all seriousness, I could tell you how I beat his ass until it bruised, poked needles into him, and touched up the work on the cutting on his chest, but does that have any bearing on what you and your girlfriend might want to do?  I'll bet it doesn't because you're just starting out and she may not want to do any of that.



poise -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 6:39:14 AM)

Before you step onto the stage, don't pressure yourself into trying to be as good or
even better than her previous lover. Bringing him along, even if it's only in the mind,
is going to take focus away from who you are.

If you arent comfortable with tying her up, tie her loosely at first a couple of times,
and have her hold the ends of the ropes with her hands. Having her in control of whether
she stays tied or not will be an intoxicating twist for her, and one she might struggle with
emotionally, but in a delicious mind blowing way. Best of luck to you both!



NocturnalStalker -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 9:50:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bennyprofane

Here's what I need more specific advice with..my gf has told me a great deal about the last lover she had, the guy who first introduced her to the life (she didn't know she was a submissive until she met him). The way she describes him, and the relationship she had is pretty surreal. He was able to make her feel almost indescribable passion and excitement. Some of the sexual things they did seemed out there to me, at the time, stuff like getting tied up, sex in public, extremely hard spankings, threesomes, etc. Theirs was a purely sexual relationship, in that he was much older and married, with no intention of ever leaving her. I'm honestly jealous of the guy because he made her feel better sexually than I have been able to.
What I would really like to know from people here is, what are specific scenes that people do? I honestly don't know because I had a very sheltered upbringing and have minimal experience in the life.
As for the reading list, I am a bookworm, and I already have ordered many of the titles there.
Thanks everyone


Sounds to me that your girlfriend is molding you.



sexyred1 -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 9:58:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bennyprofane

Here's what I need more specific advice with..my gf has told me a great deal about the last lover she had, the guy who first introduced her to the life (she didn't know she was a submissive until she met him). The way she describes him, and the relationship she had is pretty surreal. He was able to make her feel almost indescribable passion and excitement. Some of the sexual things they did seemed out there to me, at the time, stuff like getting tied up, sex in public, extremely hard spankings, threesomes, etc. Theirs was a purely sexual relationship, in that he was much older and married, with no intention of ever leaving her. I'm honestly jealous of the guy because he made her feel better sexually than I have been able to.
What I would really like to know from people here is, what are specific scenes that people do? I honestly don't know because I had a very sheltered upbringing and have minimal experience in the life.
As for the reading list, I am a bookworm, and I already have ordered many of the titles there.
Thanks everyone



If you say you are madly in love, I assume you both are. So that means your gf loves you already the way you are, correct?

If she is telling you about the other guy in such detail, she is, in essence, already telling you what she likes, or liked with HIM. The trick is, for you to see if you are even comfortable in doing any of that and if you are, she has to understand that just because you do something with one guy that was amazing, it may not be and should not be, the same with the next guy.

What I mean is, I do not expect to have the same type of relationship, sexual or otherwise, with everyone I get involved with. I could hope for the same level of intensity, but I am smart enough to know that not everyone is the same and even if you want to be the same for her, you may not have the capabilities to do so.

My ex husband sounds like you. He was totally vanilla when we met and I was very experienced as a sub. I had come off a very sexually intense relationship when I met him.

When we were together he tried like hell to do the things that my other boyfriends did, but it never really was in his DNA to be that kind of a Dom. I respected his efforts, but in the end, for that and varying other reasons, we ended our relationship.

People can give you all sorts of advice, books to read, etc. but really, the only way to figure this out is to try within your relationship and not have such high expectations; and she should not be so negative is she cares about you as you allude that she does.

Not everyone is going to be the same level of Dom or sub to each other. As for "molding" someone, that is actually an ok thing to do, as long as it is done organically and slowly and not rushing or threatening anyone to change.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 10:05:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bennyprofane

He was able to make her feel almost indescribable passion and excitement. Some of the sexual things they did seemed out there to me, at the time, stuff like getting tied up, sex in public, extremely hard spankings, threesomes, etc. Theirs was a purely sexual relationship, in that he was much older and married, with no intention of ever leaving her. I'm honestly jealous of the guy because he made her feel better sexually than I have been able to.


The first thing you must do and impress upon her that she must do is stop comparing you to her past lover.  You are not him and your relationship with her will not be the same.  If you continue trying to live up to the image you've built up in your mind, you will fail and it will be a trainwreck.  Your style of dominance is not going to be the same as mine, LadyPact's, NocturnalStalker's or anyone else's.  It will be all yours and no one else will be able to duplicate it.  So just get the idea of replicating her experience with him out of your head.  Do it now.
 
The second thing to do is communicate with her about what she likes and what she wants to try.  It sounds like she doesn't really have much experience either so you have a lot of open territory to explore together.  If you didn't already buy it, add a copy of Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns to your book order.  It's probably the most comprehensive beginner's book on the market.  It's certainly the best one I've found.  Read it together and talk about it.  There really is no substitute for communication. 



ParappaTheDapper -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 11:39:13 AM)

No advice from me bro but wanted to say cool name. I have mad love for Pynchon and V doesn't get enough respect even from Pynchonites.

Rock on.



sheisreeds -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/29/2011 5:59:29 PM)

"I told her that I think I can grow into being a dom. She laughed and said she could never imagine me doing this. I'm just concerned because I don't know if a submissive can be happy with someone with my personality type."

Does she want you to be a dom? Clearly she likes you.

She needs to answer that question. She also needs to answer what she needs from submission, and what she gets.

Then you decide what you feel you are able to do.

I'm also not gonna sugarcoat it, some of us have needs in regards to BDSM that can transcend how much we care about someone. Gonna throw my hat in the ring of marriages that ended at least in part due to a lack of kinkiness. Not everyone is kinky, nor should they be. Not everyone is the right kind of kinky for one another. Just like any other aspect in a relationship.

That being said, love can transcend a lot of barriers, it can push us to be better people, and to learn about ourselves.

I also recommend both of you seek out the local community for a munch or a happy hour. Talk to some people who have been doing this for awhile, and sustainably. See what these relationships look like in person. That cannot be conveyed through a book, or on the internet.

Your girlfriend per your description has not has sustainable experience in BDSM either. As she was a purely sexual secondary relationship (potentially affair) based on your description. There is a difference between being a married man's sex toy and being in a loving and committed kinky relationship. Try and meet some real people who have ongoing dynamics.

There are so many different ways and degrees to be dominate. Who knows what's going to work for the two of you.



kalikshama -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (4/30/2011 8:06:18 AM)

14 years ago, my (now ex) husband and I wandered into a fetish store, thought the gear looked like fun, started buying toys, researching on the internet, going to munches, and buying books. We read "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" together and came up with lots of good ideas. Also from the booklist, try "The Loving Dominant" and "The Topping Book." IIRC, there are scene suggestions in all of these books.

Our group had demos and play parties monthly and this was a great way for my husband and me to see real live people engaging in BDSM. He grew into being a top very easily.

We did all of the stuff you mentioned in post 8. We kept the kink in the bedroom, enjoying our top/bottom relationship. He was domly in the bedroom and democratic outside of it.

Best of luck to you.

KK

ps - we did watch some porn too but it was not especially helpful.



OohAahMrs -> RE: New and need relationship advice. (5/1/2011 5:13:33 AM)

Hey ben!



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