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messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 3:13:55 AM

SubmitIt

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/18/2010
Status: offline

Hey there,

I'm pretty new to this life, mostly just aspects of D/s were part of 'vanilla' relationships, you know, ropes and chains in the bedroom, spanking for fun and effect... and I've moved back to my hometown, and relocated my CM profile.

I've gotten a message from someone I used to know in RL, he doesn't know it's me (my profile is specifically non-identifying) but his contains his nickname and his picture, so I'm in no doubt that he's someone I know.

I'm vaguely curious, but a little worried about my kink life starting to link up with my vanilla life (and I'm not ready for that right now, it's mostly curiousity for me, sorry if that offends). So I think I should avoid him...

Any advice? Ignore it? Pretend to be not interested? Tell him that I know who he is?

Oh, and he's mentioned that he's fairly active in the local scene, which I was considering getting to know, but am now worried!

Thanks!

Post #: 1

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 3:34:17 AM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

No offense to be taken.We all portray a specific image, and if yours doesn't involve your being a pervert then so be it. As to the question, if you don't want any overlap between the two I would recommend simply sending him a polite "thanks but no thanks" message and moving on. Telling him you know who he is is 1) kind of creepy and 2) liable to make him go searching through his recollections to figure out who it could be. In my experience it's fairly easy to pick out a fellow practitioner if you're looking for it, and you risk being outed, which I imagine is 100x worse than telling people straight out, though I've never had it happen myself.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 2

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 3:56:10 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

If he is active in the local scene then most likely he is experienced with discretion also. He probably doesn't wish to be outted to his vanilla friends any more than you want to be outted. We sometimes run into people we have met previously at events. The normal reaction we have, especially if this person is with someone, is to pass by without making a sign or saying a word.

If he is involved in the local scene and you would like to part of that scene, you have a choice to make. Personally I wouldn't find him being there a big problem. As I have said previously, he probably wishes for discretion as much as you do. I have always found meeting at a munch one of the safest ways of meeting people. It is safer than meeting some stranger in a restaurant alone, or so I believe.

If I were you I'd probably tell him that I'd meet him at munch. Let him be the shocked one when he sees it's you. That could be fun. If he's lied about his involvment with the local scene you'll figure it out quickly. Just because he says he is part of it does not mean he is.

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 3

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 6:43:03 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Since you know him in real life, think about him for a moment. Is he a quiet guy or a boastful one? The women you've known who have dated him, did they describe him as a good guy or not? If he's a good person, then he likely wouldn't out you. If he isn't, then he might.

And it isn't uncommon for people in small towns to travel a bit to find a munch to get their toes wet instead of risking getting hit on by their fifth grade math teacher.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 4

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 7:35:22 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

As others have said, he's into it to, so he isn't likey to go running like Paul Revere screaming your name.

He messaged interested in you anonymous profile. You are here looking to meet someone, yes? Well you have a nice upper hand here since you know him. Was he your 5th grade math teacher? I doubt it since i think you would have mentioned it. SO, what you remember, coupled with his profile and note, would you be interested if not for this fear? Would you like him as a friend? If he is active in the community and you want to be, it is foolish to give it up because of him. Unless you remember him as a total douchebag, you could make at the least a valuable friend.

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 5

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 7:43:20 AM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmitIt

Any advice? Ignore it? Pretend to be not interested? Tell him that I know who he is?

Thanks!

Ignore it. Do not even send a "thanks but no thanks" email.

There's no need to to make anything out of a random encounter, and a lot of potential harm might come if you revealed yourself to him or even played around with your knowledge of him. Unless you feel profound desire for this indivdiual, your safest bet, if you do not want to be known (and your reasons for not wanting to be known make very good sense) is to not respond to him at all. Provide him with no information about yourself.

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 6

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 8:57:21 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Laughs
You should be OK. After all, he's got a reputation too.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 7

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 9:00:45 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I agree with "ignore it". If you're not ready for your kinkiness to become public then it's probably not all that wise to get publicly involved. I don't share the conviction that kinksters can be relied upon for discretion... especially after the break-up happens. I'd say to trust your gut and proceed or not as your own safety feelers indicate.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 8

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 11:09:57 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

It would depend on many factors...

Are you interested in him? This would be the biggest factor for me. If someone I knew from vanilla world emailed me here, and I found him attractive, well I would explore it. If I didn't find him at all appealing I wouldn't respond at all.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 9

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 11:50:23 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

If you're not interested in meeting anyone in real life, and you have your real location in your profile, then you might want to think about hiding your profile, so these coincidences don't reoccur.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 2:49:27 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

As others have said, he's into it to, so he isn't likey to go running like Paul Revere screaming your name.

He messaged interested in you anonymous profile. You are here looking to meet someone, yes? Well you have a nice upper hand here since you know him. Was he your 5th grade math teacher? I doubt it since i think you would have mentioned it. SO, what you remember, coupled with his profile and note, would you be interested if not for this fear? Would you like him as a friend? If he is active in the community and you want to be, it is foolish to give it up because of him. Unless you remember him as a total douchebag, you could make at the least a valuable friend.

This; all of this!

I find it bemusing that so many are recommending you just drop it. That is, if you ARE ultimately seeking a r/l relationship, as opposed to just flirting with your fantasies online....

In my hometown, there simply aren't a lot of options and to "throw" a potential away because you already know him is plain silly IF you're eventually looking to get to know someone r/l. Me, I'd only be shocked if this "stranger" was a relative or close friend and I didn't pick up on obvious clues and cues - shocked at *me*.

But hey, if there's half a dozen other potentials available, then yeah, just throw this one away without ever knowing at all. There is half a dozen here, too, but interest in a common lifestyle doesn't mean we click as a couple. Or, in a vanilla sense, do you see every single member of the opposite sex as a potential partner for you, so you can afford to be so picky and maybe premature?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 11

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 3:09:36 PM

subbykat

Posts: 115
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmitIt

Hey there,

I'm pretty new to this life, mostly just aspects of D/s were part of 'vanilla' relationships, you know, ropes and chains in the bedroom, spanking for fun and effect... and I've moved back to my hometown, and relocated my CM profile.

I've gotten a message from someone I used to know in RL, he doesn't know it's me (my profile is specifically non-identifying) but his contains his nickname and his picture, so I'm in no doubt that he's someone I know.

I'm vaguely curious, but a little worried about my kink life starting to link up with my vanilla life (and I'm not ready for that right now, it's mostly curiousity for me, sorry if that offends). So I think I should avoid him...

Any advice? Ignore it? Pretend to be not interested? Tell him that I know who he is?

Oh, and he's mentioned that he's fairly active in the local scene, which I was considering getting to know, but am now worried!

Thanks!

Maybe you aren't worried at all, but are excited (and a little nervous) about the idea of getting to know someone you knew, in a new way...

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 12

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 4/30/2011 3:15:00 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I admit to be very bemused by this. Let's see: a male you know, in the area you live, is interested in you and knows you are kinky. (Good so far.)

You know this person from the past; essential is the info: in a bad connotation or good?

If bad, you ignore him. If good, or even possibly good, you realize you have lucked on the perfect person to intro you to the local munch.

No strings attached, you are kinky friends in the same town, nothing more. What's wrong with that?

_____________________________

(in reply to subbykat)

Post #: 13

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 5/8/2011 7:04:00 AM

SubmitIt

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/18/2010
Status: offline

Thanks for all the replies, I think it just surprised me, it's someone who was a friend of a friend, I guess I considered them a little wussy at the time (10 years ago) so it's weird seeing them as 'Dom' -- plus my relationship with our mutual friend isn't great, so that wouldn't be a good thing if she knew, from my perspective.

Not sure if I have any interest in him, would need to get to know him, but I think leaving it until a munch, as suggested by a couple of folks, is best.

My hometown is a city, which has 1m plus people, so a pictureless profile doesn't worry me hugely!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 14

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 5/8/2011 7:56:50 AM

Ariane23

Posts: 88
Joined: 12/2/2007
Status: offline

You're in a position of advantage here. You know about him, but he doesn't know about you.

So, you have 2 things to consider:

1. Do you need to worry about running into him at events?

2. Are you interested in a bdsm connection with him?

If the answer to 2 is no, probably best not tell him. At least if you do run into him, you can be the one who is cool and unsurprised. ;)

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 15

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 6/24/2011 9:50:17 PM

BiSalemOR

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/28/2007
Status: offline

I have fear of the same thing. I have seen 3 people I work with on various sites like this one. One of those is somewhat open about it at work but doesn't know I am on there and know that his kinks go beyond what he has even mentioned at work. Because of that I probably never do an event or at least one I think he will be at. I will screen people and try to determine if they might know me or be in a position that I might in the future. I think I would be ok with being active a guy for a while to the point I know I never want to go back to being straight only and then finding myself working with him or knowing some of the same people. I know that I don't want to ever come out to everyone but only to the person I am with and would want them to be able to keep my secret. I realized recently there is a woman I work with that I had met under my "bi curious" persona about 7 years before we started working together and I am worried about that but feel pretty confident that she would keep it secret even if she does finally remember.

If you are worried about him knowing I would keep your group of play friends small and not attend events or small get-togethers that you don't know 100% of who will be there.

(in reply to Ariane23)

Post #: 16

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 6/29/2011 8:15:56 PM

lovetoslave

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/27/2010
Status: offline

I've had this happen to me, except that he was an ex of mine and he recognised me. I have also seen a different ex on bdsm sites.

It is quite likely to happen. Just go with it.

(in reply to BiSalemOR)

Post #: 17

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 6/29/2011 8:49:20 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

I had something similar happen to me, and it was hilarious. I rented the cottage on my property to a nice couple for a year and a half. Right after they moved to LA for jobs and married, CM randomly served me up the guy's profile and I couldn't believe it was my tenant. She had a profile too. They'd met on CM and moved into the apartment when he collared her. I sent them CMail from my profile here and we all laughed so hard about it I could almost hear them 200 miles away! We all wish we'd known when they were living here on the property; they'd agonzied for 18 months over trying to keep the noise down back there and maintaining their 'vanilla' exteriors so I wouldn't be uncomfortable with them being kinksters!!! I live in a small town of 10,000. The odds of this happening are about the same as winning lotto.

I agree with the folks above who said if you're interested in pursuing something with him to go for it. Half the battle here is having met in person which you already have; if you find him attractive, why not? If the thought of being seen with him at events makes you uncomfortable, see him privately if that works better for you. You are in a great, unique position...take FULL advantage of it!

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 6/29/2011 9:48:02 PM >

(in reply to SubmitIt)

Post #: 18

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 6/29/2011 9:09:36 PM

errantgeek

Posts: 156
Joined: 6/20/2011
Status: offline

Are you interested? Go for it. If you're worried about being outed...he's into it too. What's he going to do, tell everyone "Hey guys! (SubmitIt) is is kinkier than hell! She's into BDSM and stuff"? As a guy, let me fill you in on something. The natural response to that is "How the hell did you find out?".

To which any guy can do one of two things. Lie his ass off, or admit he found you on a BDSM personal website. Any guy can do the former and has nothing to do with a BDSM personals website, and in the latter he's successfully outed himself and admitted he uses BDSM personals.

I know a bunch of people who I found out were into BDSM well after I got to know them in person. Some know, others don't; it depends on how well I know and trust them, and whether bringing that up casually is a Good Idea in the sense it won't inflict awkwardness. I'm out to my friends and it's no big deal if someone figures out I'm kinky (hell I'll tell someone to their face given appropriate circumstances), but I'm extremely good at keeping secrets and not blabbing about others' business. Either way, one of the core aspects of BDSM is trust, and if you don't trust this guy enough to know you're kinky IRL then you have no business engaging him on that level.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 19

RE: messaged by someone I know in RL - 6/30/2011 12:31:11 PM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

Half the battle here is having met in person which you already have; if you find him attractive, why not? If the thought of being seen with him at events makes you uncomfortable, see him privately if that works better for you. You are in a great, unique position...take FULL advantage of it!

^^^^This^^^^^

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to errantgeek)

Post #: 20

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