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anthrosub -> The Challenge of Being a Submissive Male (10/9/2004 3:46:05 PM)
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i've had many thoughts about my experience as a submissive male over the years. Something nags me just below the surface every time i come on the boards and start reading threads where the subject is about the submissive male, how he should behave, what he needs to understand, where he should place his efforts in meeting a Domme, and so forth. This post is an attempt to express some of my thoughts.
i've been involved in BDSM at various levels on and off for roughly 10 years and rather intensely focused on finding a partner for going on 3 years now. In addition to those periods i've been privileged to serve, i've tried with all my heart to learn what it means to be submissive through reading the boards, researching articles, and participating in online discussion. i state this as a way of establishing some credibility with what i'm about to write.
The BDSM community can be viewed as a subset of the general population at large...most often referred to as "vanilla." Since almost all have grown up from childhood learning the norms and mores established by the vanilla world, it's no surprise that when one begins the journey into BDSM, the initial steps will be a rocky road at best. There will be assumptions and misconceptions that need to be stripped away, an immediate need to understand the protocols and dialect, and periods of introspection that will of necessity need to be revisited again and again.
Some already know this, but it's important for the uninitiated to learn very quickly that if they are going to declare themselves to be a submissive (male), they have some serious connotations they need to distance themselves from as soon as possible. Males are viewed as irresponsible, insincere, self-serving, sex addicts for the most part. This is probably more the case when trying to communicate online rather than in person. The anonymity the Internet provides, emboldens males to let their hormones guide their behavior more often than not and this is unfortunate for those of sincere intent.
Another major pitfall a submissive male must contend with is "who's the authority?" The short answer is nobody. Every Domme has a unique perspective on how a submissive male should behave in spite of commonly held protocols and established beliefs. But what's more important is the fact that, online, there's no way to tell if the Domme one is speaking to has any real experience of her own. Unfortunately, the majority of Dommes online are no more experienced than the submissive is and most are simply regurgitating what they themselves have read or heard is the way a Domme should behave.
This is further complicated by the unique wants and needs of both parties when contact is initiated. What is it that each person is really looking for? How capable are they in communicating who they are? What assumptions do they have and how willing are they to work towards finding the common ground wherein both will be able to interact? If these questions cannot be answered at the outset, then the whole meeting process will quickly become a muddle.
What this means for the submissive male is there's a HUGE learning curve to deal with. i feel the following suggestions will go far in helping a sincere submissive male to establish his credibility.
1. You are first a human being, trying to get your needs met while at the same time trying to learn how to go about it properly. Until you "submit" without question to a Domme you have met who wishes to assume control over you, you are not beholding to anyone. Speaking respectfully to a Domme is not submission and although you may feel a strong compulsion to do so, do not give in to the temptation to be Dominated right away. You disrespect yourself and the Domme in the process.
2. If you haven't already begun to do so, start thinking about what it means to submit. Ask yourself simple, small questions about what the life of a submissive is like. If done with care, you will realize there are things you are responsible for learning on your own. The more you develop a sense of who you are, the more that will be evident when interacting with the Dommes you will make contact with.
3. Develop the ability to spot Dommes who have no sense of themselves. These people are the flip side of a clueless submissive male. Depending on their sincerity (which you have no way of knowing initially), they can be dangerous at worst or give you inaccurate direction at best. This is not to say they are bad people...just like you, they could be just starting out. What's important is whether they are capable of being honest and up front about it.
4. Understand and accept that a genuine submissive male has begun a journey that requires education. Educate yourself by doing research. In addition to learning what it means to submit, do not make the mistake of overlooking what it is you will be doing for your Domme once you have surrendered. What can you do? What skills do you have? Where can you learn more?
5. Be true to yourself and honest with the Domme who would take you. Although you are assuming a submissive "role" this does not mean it has no substance or you can take it for granted. The life of a submissive male is not automatic. Get in touch with the core of your being and let that show in how you conduct yourself. A submissive male is NOT a doormat but rather a resource. You should value yourself and the gift of submission you offer. Conversely, it should be quite evident the Domme recognizes this as well. If not, you are wasting your own gift.
i hope these words will be helpful to anyone who reads them. They are my views and opinions and not to be taken as an attempt on my part to dictate to others.
Sincerely,
anthrosub
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